經典美劇Friends六人行英文字幕

經典美劇Friends六人行英文字幕

美劇 Friends 六人行 (老友記) 英文字幕

S01E01

1 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
2 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
3 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
4 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
5 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY, YOUR WEEK ♪
6 ♪ YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
7 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
8 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO POUR ♪
9 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
10 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
11 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
12 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME, TOO ♪
13 THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.
14 IT'S JUST SOME GUY I WORK WITH.
15 COME ON. YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH THE GUY.
16 THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.
17 SO, DOES HE HAVE A HUMP?
18 A HUMP AND A HAIRPIECE?
19 WAIT, DOES HE EAT CHALK?
20 JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT HER TO GO THROUGH
21 WHAT I WENT THROUGH WITH CARL.
22 OKAY, EVERYBODY RELAX. THIS IS NOT A DATE.
23 IT'S TWO PEOPLE GOING OUT TO DINNER
24 AND NOT HAVING SEX.
25 SOUNDS LIKE A DATE TO ME.
26 SO I'M BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.
27 I'M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAFETERIA
28 AND I REALIZE I AM TOTALLY... NAKED.
29 I'VE HAD THAT DREAM.
30 THEN, I LOOK DOWN
31 AND I REALIZE THERE IS A PHONE...
32 THERE.
33 INSTEAD OF..?
34 THAT'S RIGHT.
35 NEVER HAD THAT DREAM.
36 ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE PHONE
37 STARTS TO RING
38 AND IT TURNS OUT IT'S MY MOTHER
39 WHICH IS VERY, VERY WEIRD BECAUSE...
40 SHE NEVER CALLS ME.
41 HI.
42 THIS GUY SAYS "HELLO.
43 I WANT TO KILL MYSELF."
44 ARE YOU OKAY, SWEETIE?
45 I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE REACHED DOWN MY THROAT
46 GRABBED MY SMALL INTESTINE, PULLED IT OUT MY MOUTH
47 AND TIED IT AROUND MY NECK.
48 COOKIE?
49 CAROL MOVED HER STUFF OUT TODAY.
50 All: OH...
51 LET ME GET YOU SOME COFFEE.
52 THANKS.
53 OOH. UGH...
54 NO. OH, NO. NO, DON'T.
55 STOP CLEANSING MY AURA.
56 NO, JUST
57 LEAVE MY AURA ALONE, OKAY?
58 I'LL BE FINE, ALL RIGHT? REALLY, EVERYONE.
59 I HOPE SHE'LL BE VERY HAPPY.
60 Monica: NO, YOU DON'T.
61 NO I DON'T. TO HELL WITH HER.
62 SHE LEFT ME.
63 AND YOU NEVER KNEW SHE WAS A LESBIAN?
64 NO. OKAY?
65 WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP FIXATING ON THAT?
66 SHE DIDN'T KNOW. HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
67 SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS A LESBIAN.
68 DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?
69 ALL RIGHT, ROSS, LOOK
70 YOU'RE FEELING A LOT OF PAIN RIGHT NOW.
71 YOU'RE ANGRY. YOU'RE HURTING.
72 CAN I TELL YOU WHAT THE ANSWER IS?
73 STRIP JOINTS!
74 OH, COME ON. YOU'RE SINGLE.
75 SEE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE SINGLE, OKAY?
76 I JUST, I JUST, I JUST WANT TO BE MARRIED AGAIN.
77 AND I JUST WANT A MILLION DOLLARS.
78 RACHEL?
79 OH, GOD, MONICA, HI. THANK GOD.
80 I JUST WENT TO YOUR BUILDING AND YOU WEREN'T THERE
81 AND THEN THIS GUY WITH A BIG HAMMER
82 SAID THAT YOU MIGHT BE HERE, AND YOU ARE.
83 CAN I GET YOU SOME COFFEE?
84 DECAF.
85 OKAY, EVERYBODY, THIS IS RACHEL
86 ANOTHER LINCOLN HIGH SURVIVOR.
87 THIS IS EVERYBODY. THIS IS CHANDLER
88 AND PHOEBE, AND JOEY
89 AND YOU REMEMBER MY BROTHER ROSS?
90 SURE.
91 HI. OH!
92 SO, YOU WANT TO TELL US NOW
93 OR ARE WE WAITING FOR FOUR WET BRIDESMAIDS?
94 OH, GOD. WELL, IT STARTED
95 ABOUT A HALF HOUR BEFORE THE WEDDING.
96 I WAS IN THIS ROOM
97 WHERE WE WERE KEEPING ALL THE PRESENTS
98 AND I WAS LOOKING AT THIS GRAVY BOAT--
99 THIS REALLY GORGEOUS LIMOGES GRAVY BOAT--
100 WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN...
101 SWEET AND LOW?
102 I REALIZED THAT I WAS MORE TURNED ON
103 BY THIS GRAVY BOAT THAN BY BARRY
104 AND THEN I GOT REALLY FREAKED OUT
105 AND THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME
106 HOW MUCH BARRY LOOKS LIKE MR. POTATO HEAD.
107 I MEAN, I ALWAYS KNEW HE LOOKED FAMILIAR, BUT...
108 ANYWAY, I JUST HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE
109 AND I STARTED WONDERING, "WHY AM I DOING THIS
110 AND WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR?"
111 SO, ANYWAY, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO GO
112 AND I KNOW THAT YOU AND I HAVE DRIFTED APART
113 BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I KNEW
114 WHO LIVED IN THE CITY.
115 WHO WASN'T INVITED TO THE WEDDING.
116 OH, I WAS KIND OF HOPING THAT WOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE.
117 ...Elijarme la mano, aquellos criminales.
118 Monica: NOW, I'M GUESSING THAT HE BOUGHT HER
119 THE BIG PIPE ORGAN
120 AND SHE'S REALLY NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
121 DADDY, I JUST...
122 I CAN'T MARRY HIM.
123 I'M SORRY.
124 I JUST DON'T LOVE HIM.
125 WELL, IT MATTERS TO ME.
126 Chandler: SHE SHOULD NOT BE WEARING THOSE PANTS.
127 I SAY PUSH HER DOWN THE STAIRS.
128 All: PUSH HER DOWN THE STAIRS!
129 PUSH HER DOWN
130 THE STAIRS!
131 ALL RIGHT!
132 COME ON, DADDY, LISTEN TO ME.
133 ALL OF MY LIFE
134 EVERYONE HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME, "YOU'RE A SHOE.
135 "YOU'RE A SHOE.
136 YOU'RE A SHOE. YOU'RE A SHOE."
137 AND THEN TODAY I JUST STOPPED AND SAID
138 "WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO BE A SHOE?
139 "WHAT IF I WANT TO BE A PURSE?
140 OR A HAT?"
141 NO, I DON'T WANT YOU TO BUY ME A HAT.
142 I'M SAYING THAT I AM A HAT...
143 IT'S A METAPHOR, DADDY!
144 YOU CAN SEE WHERE HE'D HAVE TROUBLE.
145 LOOK, DADDY, IT'S MY LIFE.
146 WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST STAY HERE WITH MONICA.
147 WELL, I GUESS WE'VE ESTABLISHED SHE'S STAYING HERE WITH MONICA.
148 WELL, MAYBE THAT'S MY DECISION.
149 WELL, MAYBE I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY.
150 WAIT, WAIT! I SAID MAYBE!
151 OKAY, JUST BREATHE. THAT'S IT.
152 JUST TRY TO THINK OF NICE, CALM THINGS.
153 ♪ RAINDROPS ON ROSES ♪
154 ♪ AND WHISKERS ON KITTENS ♪
155 ♪ DOORBELLS AND SLEIGH BELLS ♪
156 ♪ AND SOMETHING WITH MITTENS ♪
157 ♪ LA LA LA SOMETHING ♪
158 ♪ WITH STRING, THESE ARE A FEW... ♪
159 I'M ALL BETTER NOW.
160 I HELPED.
161 OKAY, LOOK, THIS IS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.
162 INDEPENDENCE...
163 TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.
164 AND HEY, YOU NEED ANYTHING
165 YOU CAN ALWAYS COME TO JOEY.
166 ME AND CHANDLER
167 LIVE RIGHT ACROSS THE HALL
168 AND HE'S AWAY A LOT.
169 STOP HITTING ON HER.
170 IT'S HER WEDDING DAY.
171 LIKE THERE'S A RULE OR SOMETHING?
172 ( intercom buzzes )
173 PLEASE DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.
174 IT'S A HORRIBLE SOUND.
175 Uh, it's-- it's Paul.
176 BUZZ HIM IN.
177 WHO'S PAUL?
178 "PAUL THE WINE GUY" PAUL?
179 MAYBE.
180 YOUR "NOT A REAL DATE" TONIGHT
181 IS WITH "PAUL THE WINE GUY"?
182 HE FINALLY ASKED YOU OUT?
183 YES.
184 A "DEAR DIARY" MOMENT.
185 RACH, WAIT. I CAN CANCEL.
186 PLEASE, NO, GO. I'LL BE FINE.
187 ROSS, ARE YOU OKAY?
188 I MEAN, DO YOU WANT ME TO STAY?
189 THAT WOULD BE GOOD.
190 REALLY?
191 NO! GO ON!
192 IT'S "PAUL THE WINE GUY!"
193 HI. COME IN.
194 PAUL, THIS IS...
195 EVERYBODY.
196 EVERYBODY, THIS IS PAUL.
197 All: "PAUL THE WINE GUY!"
198 I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME.
199 PAUL, WAS IT?
200 SIT DOWN.
201 TWO SECONDS.
202 I JUST PULLED OUT FOUR EYELASHES.
203 THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.
204 SO, RACHEL, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TONIGHT?
205 I WAS KIND OF SUPPOSED TO BE HEADED FOR ARUBA
206 ON MY HONEYMOON.
207 SO, NOTHING.
208 RIGHT. YOU'RE NOT EVEN GETTING YOUR HONEYMOON.
209 GOD...
210 NO... ARUBA.
211 THIS TIME OF YEAR, TALK ABOUT YOUR...
212 BIG LIZARDS.
213 ANYWAY, IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING ALONE TONIGHT
214 JOEY AND CHANDLER ARE HELPING ME PUT TOGETHER
215 MY NEW FURNITURE.
216 AND WE'RE VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
217 THANKS, BUT I'M GOING TO HANG OUT HERE TONIGHT.
218 IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
219 OH, SURE. OKAY, SURE.
220 PHEEBS, YOU WANT TO HELP?
221 I WISH I COULD, BUT I DON'T WANT TO.
222 I'M SUPPOSED TO ATTACH
223 A BRACKETY THING TO THE SIDE THINGS
224 USING A BUNCH OF THESE LITTLE WORM GUYS.
225 I HAVE NO BRACKETY THING.
226 I SEE NO WORM GUYS WHATSOEVER.
227 AND I CANNOT FEEL MY LEGS.
228 WHAT'S THIS?
229 I HAVE NO IDEA.
230 DONE WITH THE BOOKCASE!
231 ALL FINISHED!
232 THIS WAS CAROL'S FAVORITE BEER.
233 SHE ALWAYS DRANK IT OUT OF THE CAN.
234 I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
235 ROSS, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
236 SHE GOT THE FURNITURE, THE STEREO, THE GOOD TV.
237 WHAT DID YOU GET?
238 YOU GUYS.
239 YOU GOT SCREWED. OH, MY GOD.
240 OH, MY GOD.
241 I KNOW. I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.
242 I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT ON
243 WHEN SHE STARTED GOING TO THE DENTIST
244 FOUR AND FIVE TIMES A WEEK.
245 I MEAN, HOW CLEAN CAN TEETH GET?
246 MY BROTHER'S GOING THROUGH THAT NOW.
247 HE'S SUCH A MESS.
248 HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH IT?
249 HE MIGHT TRY ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING
250 SOMETHING VALUABLE OF HERS-- SAY, HER...
251 LEG?
252 THAT'S ONE WAY OF GOING THROUGH IT.
253 ME, I WENT FOR THE WATCH.
254 YOU ACTUALLY BROKE HER WATCH?
255 BARRY, I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.
256 I KNOW YOU PROBABLY THINK
257 THIS IS ALL ABOUT WHAT I SAID THE OTHER NIGHT
258 ABOUT YOU MAKING LOVE WITH YOUR SOCKS ON
259 BUT IT ISN'T.
260 IT ISN'T-- IT'S ABOUT ME.
261 AND I DID...
262 HI. MACHINE CUT ME OFF AGAIN.
263 ANYWAY...
264 YOU KNOW WHAT THE SCARIEST PART IS?
265 WHAT IF THERE'S ONLY ONE WOMAN FOR EVERYBODY?
266 WHAT IF YOU GET ONE WOMAN AND THAT'S IT?
267 UNFORTUNATELY, IN MY CASE
268 THERE WAS ONLY ONE WOMAN FOR HER.
269 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
270 ONE WOMAN.
271 THAT'S LIKE SAYING
272 THERE'S ONLY ONE FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM FOR YOU.
273 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, ROSS.
274 THERE'S LOT OF FLAVORS OUT THERE.
275 THERE'S ROCKY ROAD AND COOKIE DOUGH
276 AND BING CHERRY VANILLA.
277 YOU CAN GET THEM WITH JIMMIES OR NUTS
278 OR WHIPPED CREAM.
279 THIS IS THE BEST THING
280 THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.
281 YOU GOT MARRIED.
282 YOU WERE LIKE, WHAT, EIGHT?
283 WELCOME BACK TO THE WORLD.
284 GRAB A SPOON.
285 I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW IF I'M HUNGRY OR HORNY.
286 THEN STAY OUT OF MY FREEZER.
287 EVER SINCE SHE WALKED OUT ON ME, I...
288 WHAT?
289 WHAT, YOU WANT TO SPELL IT OUT WITH NOODLES?
290 NO, IT'S MORE OF A FIFTH DATE KIND OF REVELATION.
291 OH, SO, THERE'S GOING TO BE A FIFTH DATE?
292 ISN'T THERE?
293 YEAH, YEAH, I THINK THERE IS.
294 WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY?
295 WELL, WELL...
296 EVER SINCE SHE LEFT ME, UM...
297 I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO PERFORM...
298 SEXUALLY.
299 OH, GOD. I'M SO SORRY.
300 IT'S OKAY.
301 BEING SPIT ON
302 IS PROBABLY NOT WHAT YOU NEED RIGHT NOW.
303 UM... OOH.
304 HOW LONG?
305 TWO YEARS.
306 WOW.
307 I-I-I'M GLAD YOU SMASHED HER WATCH.
308 SO, YOU STILL THINK YOU, UM...
309 MIGHT WANT THAT FIFTH DATE?
310 YEAH.
311 YEAH, I DO.
312 I, Joanie, take you, Charles
313 as my lawful husband.
314 Do you take Joanie...
315 SEE, BUT JOANIE LOVED CHACHI.
316 THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.
317 GRAB A SPOON.
318 DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN
319 SINCE I GRABBED A SPOON?
320 DO THE WORDS "BILLY, DON'T BE A HERO"
321 MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
322 YOU KNOW, HERE'S THE THING.
323 EVEN IF I COULD GET IT TOGETHER ENOUGH
324 TO ASK A WOMAN OUT
325 WHO AM I GOING TO ASK?
326 ISN'T THIS AMAZING?
327 I HAVE NEVER MADE COFFEE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
328 THAT IS AMAZING.
329 CONGRATULATIONS.
330 WHILE YOU'RE ON A ROLL,
331 IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU GOT TO MAKE A WESTERN OMELET
332 OR SOMETHING...
333 ACTUALLY, I'M REALLY NOT THAT HUNGRY THIS MORNING.
334 MORNING.
335 MORNING. MORNING.
336 MORNING.
337 MORNING, PAUL.
338 HELLO, PAUL.
339 HI. PAUL, IS IT?
340 I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT.
341 Paul: THANK YOU.
342 THANK YOU SO MUCH.
343 WE'LL TALK LATER.
344 YEAH.
345 THANK YOU.
346 THAT WASN'T A REAL DATE.
347 WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO ON A REAL DATE?
348 SHUT UP AND PUT MY TABLE BACK.
349 Joey: OKAY.
350 ALL RIGHT, KIDS, I GOT TO GET TO WORK.
351 IF I DON'T INPUT THOSE NUMBERS...
352 IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE.
353 SO, LIKE, YOU GUYS ALL HAVE JOBS?
354 YEAH, WE ALL HAVE JOBS.
355 SEE, THAT'S HOW WE BUY STUFF.
356 YEAH. I'M AN ACTOR.
357 HAVE I SEEN YOU IN ANYTHING?
358 I DOUBT IT.
359 MOSTLY REGIONAL WORK.
360 UNLESS YOU CAUGHT
361 THE WEE ONES PRODUCTION OF PINOCCHIO.
362 "LOOK, GEPETTO, I'M A REAL LIVE BOY."
363 I WILL NOT TAKE THIS ABUSE.
364 YOU'RE RIGHT.
365 I'M SORRY.
366 ♪ ONCE I WAS A WOODEN BOY, A LITTLE WOODEN BOY. ♪
367 SO HOW YOU DOING TODAY?
368 DID YOU SLEEP OKAY?
369 DID YOU TALK TO BARRY?
370 I CAN'T STOP SMILING.
371 I CAN SEE THAT.
372 YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SLEPT WITH A HANGER IN YOUR MOUTH.
373 I KNOW.
374 HE'S JUST SO...
375 YOU REMEMBER YOU AND TONY DEMARCO?
376 OH, YEAH.
377 WELL, IT'S LIKE THAT-- WITH FEELINGS.
378 OH, WOW, ARE YOU IN TROUBLE.
379 I AM JUST GOING TO GET UP, GO TO WORK
380 AND NOT THINK ABOUT HIM ALL DAY.
381 OR ELSE I'M JUST GOING TO GET UP AND GO TO WORK.
382 WISH ME LUCK. WHAT FOR?
383 I'M GOING TO GET
384 ONE OF THOSE JOB THINGS.
385 HEY, MONICA.
386 FRANNIE, WELCOME BACK.
387 HOW WAS FLORIDA?
388 YOU HAD SEX, DIDN'T YOU?
389 HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
390 SO, WHO?
391 YOU KNOW PAUL?
392 PAUL, THE WINE GUY?
393 OH, YEAH, I KNOW PAUL.
394 YOU MEAN, YOU KNOW PAUL LIKE I KNOW PAUL?
395 ARE YOU KIDDING? I TAKE CREDIT FOR PAUL.
396 YOU KNOW, BEFORE ME, THERE WAS NO SNAP IN HIS TURTLE
397 FOR TWO YEARS.
398 OF COURSE IT WAS A LINE.
399 WHY WOULD ANYBODY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!
400 I ASSUME WE'RE LOOKING FOR AN ANSWER
401 MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN "TO GET YOU INTO BED."
402 IS IT ME?!
403 IS IT LIKE I HAVE SOME SORT OF BEACON THAT ONLY DOGS
404 AND MEN WITH SEVERE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS CAN HEAR?
405 GIVE ME YOUR FEET.
406 I JUST THOUGHT HE WAS NICE, YOU KNOW?
407 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A LINE.
408 GUESS WHAT?
409 YOU GOT A JOB?
410 ARE YOU KIDDING?
411 I'M TRAINED FOR NOTHING.
412 I WAS LAUGHED OUT OF 12 INTERVIEWS.
413 YET YOU'RE UPBEAT.
414 YOU WOULD BE, TOO, IF YOU FOUND JOAN AND DAVID BOOTS ON SALE
415 50 PERCENT OFF.
416 OH, HOW WELL YOU KNOW ME.
417 THEY'RE MY NEW I-DON'T-NEED-A-JOB,
418 I-DON'T-NEED-MY-PARENTS, I'VE-GOT-GREAT-BOOTS BOOTS.
419 HOW DID YOU PAY FOR THEM?
420 A CREDIT CARD.
421 AND WHO PAYS FOR THAT?
422 UM... MY FATHER.
423 COME ON. YOU CAN'T LIVE OFF YOUR PARENTS YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
424 I KNOW THAT.
425 THAT'S WHY I WAS GETTING MARRIED.
426 IT'S HARD BEING ON YOUR OWN THE FIRST TIME.
427 THANK YOU.
428 I REMEMBER WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE.
429 I WAS 14, MY MOM HAD JUST KILLED HERSELF
430 AND MY STEPDAD WAS BACK IN PRISON.
431 I GOT HERE AND DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY.
432 I ENDED UP LIVING WITH THIS ALBINO GUY
433 WHO WAS CLEANING WINDSHIELDS OUTSIDE PORT AUTHORITY
434 AND THEN HE KILLED HIMSELF
435 AND THEN I FOUND AROMA THERAPY.
436 SO I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.
437 THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS...
438 "ANYWAY..."
439 ALL RIGHT. YOU READY?
440 I DON'T THINK SO.
441 CUT. CUT.
442 ( chanting ): CUT. CUT. CUT. CUT. CUT.
443 ( cheering )
444 WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD. IT SUCKS.
445 YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT.
446 ( "Star Spangled Banner" playing )
447 THAT'S IT.
448 YOU WANT TO CRASH ON THE COUCH?
449 NO. I GOT TO GO HOME.
450 YOU GOING TO BE OKAY?
451 YEAH.
452 HEY, MON, LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
453 WHAT?
454 THAT'S PAUL'S WATCH.
455 PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT.
456 OH, BOY.
457 ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
458 Both: GOOD NIGHT.
459 HMM.
460 OH, SORRY.
461 OH, NO. GO.
462 SPLIT IT?
463 OKAY.
464 THANKS.
465 YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW THIS
466 BUT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL I HAD A...
467 MAJOR CRUSH ON YOU.
468 I KNEW.
469 YOU DID?
470 I ALWAYS FIGURED YOU JUST THOUGHT
471 I WAS MONICA'S GEEKY OLDER BROTHER.
472 I DID.
473 OH.
474 LISTEN, DO YOU THINK--
475 AND TRY NOT TO LET MY INTENSE VULNERABILITY
476 BECOME ANY KIND OF A FACTOR HERE--
477 BUT WOULD IT BE OKAY
478 IF I ASKED YOU OUT SOMETIME MAYBE?
479 YEAH.
480 MAYBE.
481 OKAY.
482 OKAY, MAYBE I WILL.
483 GOOD NIGHT.
484 GOOD NIGHT.
485 SEE YOU.
486 MM-HMM.
487 WAIT, WAIT.
488 WHAT'S WITH YOU?
489 I JUST GRABBED A SPOON.
490 I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING.
491 ♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING. ♪
492 I SAID YOU HAD...
493 ♪ I SAID YOU HAD... ♪
494 WOULD YOU STOP?
495 WAS I DOING IT AGAIN?
496 All: YES!
497 WOULD ANYBODY LIKE MORE COFFEE?
498 DID YOU MAKE IT
499 OR ARE YOU JUST SERVING IT?
500 I'M JUST SERVING IT.
501 YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
502 KIDS, NEW DREAM.
503 I'M IN LAS VEGAS.
504 I'M LIZA MINELLI.
505

S01E02

1 WHAT YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND IS
2 FOR US, KISSING IS AS IMPORTANT
3 AS ANY PART OF IT.
4 YEAH, RIGHT.
5 YOU SERIOUS?
6 OH, YEAH.
7 EVERYTHING YOU
8 NEED TO KNOW IS IN THAT FIRST KISS.
9 ABSOLUTELY.
10 YEAH, I THINK FOR US
11 KISSING IS PRETTY MUCH LIKE AN OPENING ACT, YOU KNOW?
12 IT'S LIKE THE STAND-UP COMEDIAN YOU HAVE TO SIT THROUGH
13 BEFORE PINK FLOYD COMES IN.
14 YEAH, AND IT'S NOT THAT WE DON'T LIKE THE COMEDIAN.
15 IT'S JUST THAT THAT'S...
16 THAT'S NOT WHY WE BOUGHT THE TICKET.
17 THE PROBLEM IS, THOUGH
18 AFTER THE CONCERT'S OVER
19 NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE SHOW WAS
20 YOU GIRLS ARE ALWAYS
21 LOOKING FOR THE COMEDIAN AGAIN.
22 I MEAN WE'RE IN THE CAR, FIGHTING TRAFFIC.
23 BASICALLY, JUST TRYING TO STAY AWAKE.
24 YEAH, WELL, WORD OF ADVICE--
25 BRING BACK THE COMEDIAN.
26 OTHERWISE, NEXT TIME
27 YOU'RE GOING TO FIND YOURSELF SITTING AT HOME
28 LISTENING TO THAT ALBUM ALONE.
29 ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT SEX?
30 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
31 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
32 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
33 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
34 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
35 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
36 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
37 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
38 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
39 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
40 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
41 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
42 Ross: NO, IT'S GOOD.
43 IT IS GOOD.
44 IT'S JUST THAT, HMM...
45 DOESN'T SHE SEEM A LITTLE ANGRY?
46 WELL, SHE HAS ISSUES.
47 DOES SHE?
48 HE'S OUT BANGING
49 WOMEN WITH A CLUB, WHILE SHE SITS AT HOME
50 TRYING TO GET THE MASTODON SMELL OUT OF THE CARPET.
51 OKAY, OKAY...
52 MARSHA, YOU SEE THESE ARE CAVE PEOPLE.
53 THEY HAVE ISSUES LIKE
54 "GEE, THAT GLACIER'S GETTING KIND OF CLOSE." SEE?
55 SPEAKING OF ISSUES
56 ISN'T THAT YOUR EX-WIFE?
57 MY..? NO, NO.
58 YES, IT IS.
59 CAROL, HI.
60 YES, IT IS. HOW ABOUT I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU
61 IN THE ICE AGE.
62 HI.
63 HI.
64 SO...
65 YOU LOOK GREAT.
66 I UH...
67 I HATE THAT.
68 SORRY. THANKS.
69 YOU LOOK GOOD TOO.
70 AH, WELL, YOU KNOW, IN HERE ANYONE WHO...
71 STANDS ERECT...
72 SO, WHAT'S NEW?
73 STILL, UH...
74 A LESBIAN?
75 WELL...
76 YOU NEVER KNOW.
77 HOW'S UM... HOW'S THE FAMILY?
78 MARTY'S STILL TOTALLY PARANOID.
79 OH, AND THAT'S...
80 CAROL, WHY ARE YOU
81 HERE, CAROL?
82 I'M PREGNANT.
83 PREGNANT.
84 Ha! It looks like she didn't leave in such a hurry after all.
85 I THINK THIS IS THE EPISODE OF THREE'S COMPANY
86 WHERE THERE'S SOME KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDING.
87 OH, THEN I'VE ALREADY SEEN THIS ONE.
88 ARE YOU THROUGH WITH THAT?
89 YEAH, SORRY. THE SWALLOWING SLOWED ME DOWN.
90 WHOSE LITTLE BALL OF PAPER IS THIS?
91 OH, THAT WOULD BE MINE.
92 SEE, I WROTE A NOTE TO MYSELF
93 THEN I REALIZED
94 I DIDN'T NEED IT, SO I BALLED IT UP...
95 AND NOW I WISH I WAS DEAD.
96 SHE ALREADY FLUFFED THAT PILLOW.
97 MONICA, YOU ALREADY...
98 BUT IT'S FINE.
99 I DON'T WANT TO GIVE THEM ANY MORE AMMUNITION
100 THAN THEY ALREADY HAVE.
101 YES, AND WE ALL KNOW HOW CRUEL A PARENT CAN BE
102 ABOUT THE FLATNESS OF A CHILD'S PILLOW.
103 MONICA? HI.
104 UM, MONICA?
105 YOU'RE SCARING ME.
106 I MEAN, YOU'RE LIKE ALL CHAOTIC AND TWIRLY, YOU KNOW?
107 AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
108 YEAH, CALM DOWN.
109 YOU DON'T SEE ROSS GETTING ALL
110 CHAOTIC AND TWIRLY
111 EVERY TIME THEY COME.
112 THAT'S BECAUSE AS FAR AS MY PARENTS ARE CONCERNED
113 ROSS CAN DO NO WRONG.
114 YOU SEE, HE'S A PRINCE.
115 APPARENTLY, THEY HAD SOME BIG CEREMONY BEFORE I WAS BORN.
116 EW, EW, EW, EW, EW!
117 WHAT?
118 UGLY NAKED GUY GOT A THIGH MASTER.
119 All: EW...
120 HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY ENGAGEMENT RING?
121 YEAH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
122 OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
123 OH, GOD. OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
124 NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT.
125 OH, LIKE I WASN'T DREADING TOMORROW ENOUGH.
126 HAVING TO GIVE IT BACK TO HIM.
127 "HI, BARRY. REMEMBER ME? I'M THE GIRL IN THE VEIL
128 THAT STOMPED ON YOUR HEART IN FRONT OF YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY."
129 NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO RETURN THE RING WITHOUT THE RING
130 WHICH MAKES IT SO MUCH HARDER.
131 EASY, RACH. WE'LL FIND IT.
132 WON'T WE?
133 OH. YEAH.
134 ALL RIGHT, WHEN DID YOU HAVE IT ON LAST?
135 DOY. PROBABLY RIGHT BEFORE SHE LOST IT.
136 YOU DON'T GET A LOT OF "DOY" THESE DAYS.
137 NO, I HAD IT THIS MORNING
138 AND I KNOW I HAD IT WHEN I WAS IN THE KITCHEN WITH...
139 DINAH?
140 OH, DON'T BE MAD.
141 YOU DIDN'T.
142 OH, I'M SORRY.
143 I GAVE YOU ONE JOB.
144 OH, BUT LOOK HOW STRAIGHT THOSE NOODLES ARE.
145 Chandler: MONICA, YOU KNOW
146 THAT'S NOT HOW YOU LOOK FOR AN ENGAGEMENT RING
147 IN A LASAGNA.
148 I JUST CAN'T DO IT.
149 BOYS?
150 WE'RE GOING IN.
151 HI.
152 OH, THAT IS NOT A HAPPY "HI."
153 CAROL'S PREGNANT.
154 OOH, I FOUND IT!
155 WELL, WHAT..?
156 WHA-WHA..? WHAT..?
157 YEAH.
158 DO THAT FOR ANOTHER TWO HOURS
159 YOU MIGHT BE WHERE I AM RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
160 KIND OF PUTS THAT WHOLE PILLOW THING
161 IN PERSPECTIVE, HUH, MON?
162 HOW DO YOU FIT INTO THIS WHOLE THING?
163 WELL, CAROL SAYS SHE AND SUSAN
164 WANT ME TO BE INVOLVED
165 BUT IF I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH IT
166 I DON'T HAVE TO BE INVOLVED.
167 BASICALLY, IT'S TOTALLY UP TO ME.
168 SHE IS SO GREAT.
169 I MISS HER.
170 WELL, WHAT DOES SHE MEAN BY "INVOLVED"?
171 PRESUMABLY, THE BIGGEST PART
172 OF YOUR JOB IS DONE.
173 ANYWAY
174 THEY WANT ME TO GO DOWN TO THIS SONOGRAM THING
175 WITH THEM TOMORROW.
176 WHAT WILL YOU DO?
177 I HAVE NO IDEA.
178 NO MATTER WHAT I DO, THOUGH
179 I'M STILL GOING TO BE A FATHER.
180 ( clattering )
181 THIS IS STILL RUINED, RIGHT?
182 OH, MARTHA LUDWIN'S DAUGHTER IS GOING TO CALL YOU.
183 HMM, WHAT'S THAT CURRY TASTE?
184 CURRY.
185 MMM.
186 I THINK THEY'RE GREAT.
187 I REALLY DO.
188 YOU REMEMBER THE LUDWINS.
189 THE BIG ONE HAD A THING FOR YOU, DIDN'T SHE?
190 THEY ALL HAD A THING FOR HIM.
191 OH, MOM.
192 Monica: I'M SORRY. WHY IS
193 THIS GIRL GOING TO CALL ME?
194 SHE JUST GRADUATED, AND SHE WANTS TO BE SOMETHING
195 IN COOKING OR FOOD OR... I DON'T KNOW.
196 I TOLD HER YOU HAVE A RESTAURANT...
197 NO, MOM. I DON'T
198 HAVE A RESTAURANT.
199 I WORK IN A RESTAURANT.
200 WELL, THEY DON'T HAVE TO KNOW THAT.
201 ROSS, COULD YOU COME AND HELP ME WITH THE SPAGHETTI, PLEASE?
202 YES.
203 OH, WE'RE HAVING SPAGHETTI.
204 THAT'S... EASY.
205 I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND UNBELIEVABLY SELFISH ON MY PART
206 BUT WERE YOU PLANNING ON BRINGING UP
207 THE WHOLE BABY-LESBIAN THING?
208 'CAUSE I THINK IT MIGHT TAKE
209 SOME OF THE HEAT OFF ME.
210 WHAT THAT RACHEL DID TO HER LIFE.
211 WE RAN INTO HER PARENTS AT THE CLUB.
212 THEY WEREN'T PLAYING WELL.
213 I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU
214 WHAT THEY SPENT ON THAT WEDDING
215 BUT $40,000 IS A LOT OF MONEY.
216 WELL, AT LEAST SHE HAD THE CHANCE
217 TO LEAVE A MAN AT THE ALTAR.
218 WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
219 NOTHING.
220 IT'S AN EXPRESSION.
221 NO, IT'S NOT.
222 DON'T LISTEN TO HER.
223 YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN INDEPENDENT.
224 EVEN WHEN YOU WERE A KID
225 AND WERE CHUBBY, AND HAD NO FRIENDS
226 YOU WERE JUST FINE.
227 AND YOU WOULD READ ALONE IN YOUR ROOM-- AND YOUR PUZZLES.
228 LOOK, THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE ROSS
229 WHO NEED TO SHOOT FOR THE STARS
230 WITH HIS MUSEUM AND HIS PAPERS GETTING PUBLISHED.
231 OTHER PEOPLE ARE SATISFIED WITH STAYING WHERE THEY ARE.
232 I'M TELLING YOU, THESE ARE THE PEOPLE
233 WHO NEVER GET CANCER.
234 I READ ABOUT THESE WOMEN
235 TRYING TO HAVE IT ALL
236 AND I THANK GOD OUR LITTLE HARMONICA
237 DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE THAT PROBLEM.
238 SO, ROSS, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
239 ANY STORIES?
240 NO NEWS, NO LITTLE ANECDOTES
241 TO SHARE WITH THE FOLKS?
242 OKAY, OKAY.
243 LOOK, I REALIZE YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WONDERING
244 WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED
245 BETWEEN CAROL AND ME, AND SO, WELL...
246 HERE'S THE DEAL.
247 CAROL'S A LESBIAN.
248 SHE IS LIVING WITH A WOMAN NAMED SUSAN.
249 SHE'S PREGNANT WITH MY CHILD
250 AND SHE AND SUSAN ARE GOING TO RAISE THE BABY.
251 AND YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?
252 FOLKS ARE REALLY THAT BAD, HUH?
253 WELL, YOU KNOW, THESE PEOPLE ARE PROS.
254 THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
255 THEY TAKE THEIR TIME.
256 THEY GET THE JOB DONE.
257 I KNOW THEY SAY THAT YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR PARENTS.
258 BOY, IF YOU COULD
259 I'D WANT YOURS.
260 MUST PEE.
261 IT'S EVEN WORSE WHEN YOU'RE TWINS.
262 YOU'RE A TWIN?
263 YEAH. WE DON'T SPEAK.
264 SHE'S THIS HIGH-POWERED, DRIVEN, CAREER TYPE.
265 WHAT DOES SHE DO?
266 SHE'S A WAITRESS.
267 ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
268 I'VE KIND OF GOT TO CLEAN UP NOW.
269 YOU'RE AN ONLY CHILD, RIGHT?
270 YOU DON'T HAVE THIS.
271 WELL, NO, ALTHOUGH I DID HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
272 WHO MY PARENTS ACTUALLY PREFERRED.
273 Rachel: HIT THE LIGHTS, PLEASE.
274 HOW LONG WAS I IN THERE?
275 I'M JUST CLEANING UP.
276 OH, YOU, UH, DO YOU NEED ANY HELP?
277 UM, OKAY, SURE.
278 THANKS.
279 ANYWAY, UH, SO YOU
280 NERVOUS ABOUT BARRY TOMORROW?
281 UH, A LITTLE.
282 MM-HMM.
283 A LOT.
284 MM-HMM.
285 SO, GOT ANY ADVICE--
286 YOU KNOW, AS SOMEONE WHO'S RECENTLY BEEN DUMPED?
287 WELL, YOU MAY WANT TO STEER CLEAR
288 OF THE WORD "DUMPED."
289 CHANCES ARE, HE'S GOING TO BE THIS
290 THIS BROKEN SHELL OF A MAN.
291 SO YOU SHOULD TRY NOT TO LOOK TOO TERRIFIC.
292 I KNOW IT'LL BE HARD.
293 UH, OR, YOU KNOW, I CAN, UH... HEY, I'LL GO DOWN THERE
294 AND GIVE BARRY BACK HIS RING
295 YOU CAN GO WITH CAROL AND SUSAN TO
296 THE O.B.G.Y. N.
297 YOU'VE GOT CAROL TOMORROW.
298 UGH, WHEN DID IT GET SO COMPLICATED?
299 GOT ME.
300 REMEMBER IN HIGH SCHOOL?
301 YEAH.
302 DIDN'T YOU THINK YOU WOULD MEET SOMEONE
303 FALL IN LOVE
304 AND THAT WOULD BE IT?
305 ( sighs )
306 ROSS?
307 YES, YES.
308 UGH.
309 MAN, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE HERE.
310 HMM.
311 ME NEITHER.
312 HI. OH, SORRY I'M LATE.
313 I GOT STUCK AT WORK.
314 THERE WAS THIS BIG DINOSAUR THING.
315 ANYWAY.
316 HI.
317 ROSS, YOU REMEMBER SUSAN.
318 HOW COULD I FORGET?
319 ROSS.
320 HELLO SUSAN.
321 GOOD SHAKE. GOOD SHAKE.
322 SO, UH, WE'RE JUST WAITING FOR...
323 DR. OBERMAN.
324 DR. OBERMAN. AND IS HE..?
325 SHE.
326 "SHE," OF COURSE.
327 SHE, UH, FAMILIAR
328 WITH OUR SPECIAL SITUATION?
329 YES, AND SHE'S VERY SUPPORTIVE.
330 GREAT. OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.
331 NO, I'M... OH.
332 THANKS.
333 ( laughs )
334 QUACK, QUACK. QUACK, QUACK.
335 QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.
336 ROSS...
337 THAT OPENS MY CERVIX.
338 BARRY?
339 COME ON IN.
340 ARE YOU SURE?
341 IT'S FINE. HE'LL BE HERE FOR HOURS.
342 HUH?
343 SO...
344 HOW YOU DOING?
345 I'M...
346 I-I'M OKAY.
347 YOU LOOK GREAT.
348 YEAH, WELL...
349 Woman: Dr. Farber
350 Jason Greenspan is gagging.
351 BE RIGHT THERE.
352 BE BACK IN A SECOND.
353 I DUMPED HIM.
354 OKAY.
355 SO, UH...
356 SO HOW'S THIS, UH...
357 HOW'S THIS GOING TO WORK?
358 AHEM. YOU KNOW, WITH US?
359 YOU KNOW WHEN, LIKE
360 IMPORTANT DECISIONS HAVE TO BE MADE?
361 GIVE ME A "FOR INSTANCE."
362 WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
363 HOW ABOUT WITH THE BABY'S NAME?
364 MARLON.
365 MARLON.
366 OR "MINNIE" FOR A GIRL.
367 AS IN "MOUSE"?
368 AS IN MY GRANDMOTHER.
369 STILL, YOU SAY "MINNIE," YOU HEAR "MOUSE."
370 UM, HOW ABOUT, UM...
371 HOW ABOUT "JULIA"?
372 JULIA.
373 WE AGREED ON MINNIE.
374 WE AGREED WE'D SPEND OUR LIVES TOGETHER.
375 THINGS CHANGE-- ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES.
376 I BELIEVE JULIA'S ON THE TABLE.
377 OH.
378 SORRY ABOUT THAT.
379 SO, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
380 OH, NOT MUCH.
381 I GOT A JOB.
382 THAT'S GREAT.
383 WHY ARE YOU SO TAN?
384 OH, I, UH, I WENT TO ARUBA.
385 OH, NO.
386 YOU WENT ON OUR HONEYMOON ALONE?
387 NO.
388 NO, ACTUALLY, UH...
389 I WENT WITH, UH...
390 NOW THIS MAY HURT.
391 ME?
392 NO, NO.
393 I WENT WITH MINDY.
394 MINDY?
395 MY MAID OF HONOR, MINDY?
396 YEAH, WE'RE UH...
397 KIND OF A THING NOW.
398 OH.
399 WELL, UM, I...
400 YOU GOT PLUGS.
401 CAREFUL THEY HAVEN'T QUITE TAKEN YET.
402 AND YOU GOT LENSES.
403 BUT YOU HATE STICKING YOUR FINGER IN YOUR EYE.
404 NOT FOR HER.
405 OH.
406 LISTEN, I REALLY WANTED TO THANK YOU.
407 OKAY.
408 A MONTH AGO, I WANTED TO HURT YOU--
409 MORE THAN I'VE EVER WANTED TO HURT ANYONE.
410 AND I'M AN ORTHODONTIST.
411 WOW.
412 YOU KNOW, YOU WERE RIGHT.
413 I THOUGHT WE WERE HAPPY.
414 WE WEREN'T HAPPY.
415 BUT WITH MINDY...
416 NOW I'M HAPPY.
417 SPIT.
418 WHAT?
419 ME.
420 ANYWAY, UM...
421 I GUESS, UH...
422 I GUESS THIS BELONGS TO YOU.
423 AND THANK YOU FOR GIVING IT TO ME.
424 WELL, THANK YOU FOR GIVING IT BACK.
425 HELLO?
426 OH, PLEASE. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HELEN?
427 "HELEN GELLER"?
428 I DON'T THINK SO.
429 IT WON'T BE HELEN GELLER.
430 THANK YOU.
431 NO, I MEAN
432 IT'S NOT GELLER.
433 IT'S GOING TO BE "HELEN WILLICK?"
434 NO, ACTUALLY WE TALKED ABOUT
435 "HELEN WILLICK-BUNCH."
436 WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
437 WHY IS SHE IN THE TITLE?
438 IT'S MY BABY, TOO.
439 REALLY? I DON'T REMEMBER YOU MAKING ANY SPERM.
440 YEAH, AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT A CHALLENGE THAT IS.
441 SEE, SEE?
442 YOU TWO STOP IT.
443 NO, SHE GETS CREDIT, I'M IN THERE TOO.
444 ROSS, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY SUGGESTING
445 "HELEN WILLICK-BUNCH-GELLER?"
446 THAT BORDERS ON CHILD ABUSE.
447 UH, OF COURSE NOT.
448 I'M SUGGESTING "GELLER-WILLICK-BUNCH."
449 SEE WHAT HE'S DOING?
450 NO ONE WILL SAY ALL THOSE NAMES.
451 THEY'LL WIND UP CALLING HER "GELLER."
452 THEN HE GETS HIS WAY.
453 MY WAY? YOU THINK THIS IS MY WAY?
454 BELIEVE ME, OF ALL THE WAYS I EVER IMAGINED
455 THIS MOMENT IN MY LIFE BEING-- THIS IS NOT MY WAY.
456 YOU KNOW WHAT?
457 THIS IS TOO HARD-- I CAN'T...
458 HOW ARE WE?
459 ANY NAUSEA?
460 A LITTLE.
461 YEAH. JUST A LITTLE.
462 I WAS JUST WONDERING ABOUT THE MOTHER-TO-BE
463 BUT THANKS FOR SHARING.
464 UH, LIE BACK.
465 UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
466 I'M GOING TO GO.
467 I DON'T THINK I CAN BE INVOLVED IN THIS PARTICULAR FAMILY.
468 ( heartbeats )
469 ( heartbeats continue )
470 OH, MY GOD.
471 LOOK AT THAT.
472 I KNOW.
473 ( heartbeats continue )
474 ( heartbeats )
475 ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
476 WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE SEEING HERE?
477 I DON'T KNOW, BUT I THINK IT'S ABOUT
478 TO ATTACK THE ENTERPRISE.
479 IF YOU TILT YOUR HEAD TO THE LEFT AND RELAX YOUR EYES
480 IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE AN OLD POTATO.
481 THEN DON'T DO THAT, ALL RIGHT?
482 OKAY.
483 MONICA.
484 WHAT DO YOU THINK?
485 MM-HMM.
486 ARE YOU WELLING UP?
487 NO.
488 YOU ARE.
489 YOU'RE WELLING UP.
490 NO, I'M NOT.
491 YOU'LL BE AN AUNT.
492 ( sobbing ): SHUT UP.
493 HI, MINDY.
494 HI, I-IT'S RACHEL.
495 YEAH, I'M FINE.
496 I-I SAW BARRY TODAY.
497 UH, YEAH, HE TOLD ME.
498 NO. NO, IT'S OKAY.
499 REALLY, IT'S OKAY.
500 I HOPE YOU TWO ARE VERY HAPPY, I REALLY DO.
501 UH, OH, AND MIN, YOU KNOW
502 IF EVERYTHING WORKS OUT AND YOU GUYS
503 END UP GETTING MARRIED
504 AND HAVING KIDS AND EVERYTHING...
505 I HOPE THEY HAVE HIS OLD HAIRLINE AND YOUR OLD NOSE.
506 OKAY, I KNOW IT WAS A CHEAP SHOT
507 BUT I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW.
508

S01E03

1 HI, GUYS!
2 HEY, PHOEBE!
3 HEY, OH, HOW DID IT GO?
4 UM, NOT SO GOOD.
5 HE SAID, "WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN."
6 ( everyone groans )
7 WHAT? "WE SHOULD DO IT AGAIN."
8 THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?
9 NO, LOOSELY TRANSLATED
10 "WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN" MEANS
11 "YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME NAKED."
12 SINCE WHEN?
13 SINCE ALWAYS.
14 IT'S LIKE DATING LANGUAGE.
15 YOU KNOW, LIKE, "IT'S NOT YOU" MEANS "IT IS YOU."
16 OR "YOU'RE SUCH A NICE GUY" MEANS:
17 "I'LL BE DATING LEATHER-WEARING ALCOHOLICS
18 AND COMPLAINING ABOUT THEM TO YOU."
19 OR "I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE"
20 MEANS "HA, HA, I ALREADY AM."
21 AND EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS.
22 OH, YEAH... CUSHIONS THE BLOW.
23 LIKE WHEN YOU'RE A KID AND YOUR DOG DIES
24 AND THEY SAY IT WENT OFF TO SOME FARM.
25 THAT'S FUNNY.
26 NO, BECAUSE OUR PARENTS ACTUALLY DID
27 SEND OUR DOG UP TO LIVE ON A FARM.
28 UH... ROSS?
29 WHAT, HELLO? THE MILNERS' FARM IN CONNECTICUT?
30 THE MILNERS HAD THIS UNBELIEVABLE FARM.
31 THEY HAD HORSES
32 AND RABBITS TO CHASE
33 AND...
34 OH, MY GOD, CHI CHI!
35 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
36 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
37 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
38 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
39 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
40 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
41 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
42 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
43 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
44 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
45 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
46 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO ♪
47 Chandler: "SO HOW DOES IT FEEL KNOWING YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE?"
48 "WARDEN, IN FIVE MINUTES MY PAIN WILL BE OVER
49 "BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE
50 THAT YOU SENT AN HONEST MAN TO DIE."
51 HEY, THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.
52 YEAH? THANKS, LET'S KEEP GOING.
53 OKAY.
54 "SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, DIMONE... HUH?"
55 "I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO MY CELL
56 BECAUSE IN MY CELL I CAN SMOKE."
57 "SMOKE AWAY!"
58 I THINK THIS IS PROBABLY WHY
59 DIMONE SMOKES IN HIS CELL, ALONE.
60 WHAT? RELAX YOUR HAND.
61 LET YOUR WRIST GO.
62 NOT SO MUCH.
63 ALL RIGHT, NOW, TRY TAKING A PUFF.
64 RIGHT.
65 OKAY, NO, GIVE IT TO ME.
66 NO, NO, I'M NOT GIVING YOU A CIGARETTE.
67 DO YOU WANT TO GET THIS PART
68 OR NOT? HERE.
69 ALL RIGHT, NOW
70 DON'T THINK OF IT AS A CIGARETTE.
71 THINK OF IT AS THE THING
72 THAT HAS BEEN MISSING FROM YOUR HAND.
73 WHEN YOU'RE HOLDING IT, YOU FEEL RIGHT, YOU FEEL COMPLETE.
74 DO YOU MISS IT?
75 NO, NOT SO MUCH.
76 ALL RIGHT, NOW WE SMOKE.
77 OH, MY GOD!
78 THEY SAY IT'S THE SAME AS THE DISTANCE
79 FROM THE TIP OF A GUY'S THUMB TO THE TIP OF HIS INDEX FINGER.
80 THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
81 CAN I USE EITHER THUMB?
82 ALL RIGHT, DON'T TELL ME, DON'T TELL ME.
83 DECAF CAPPUCCINO FOR JOEY.
84 COFFEE BLACK.
85 LATTE.
86 AND AN ICED TEA.
87 I'M GETTING GOOD AT THIS.
88 EXCELLENT!
89 VERY GOOD.
90 GOOD FOR ME!
91 ( muttering )
92 YOU OKAY, PHOEBE?
93 YEAH, NO, I'M... IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT--
94 IT'S MY BANK.
95 WHAT DID THEY DO?
96 IT'S JUST... OKAY.
97 I'M GOING THROUGH MY MAIL
98 AND I OPEN UP THEIR MONTHLY STATEMENT!
99 EASY!
100 OKAY, I KNOW.
101 AND THERE'S $500 EXTRA IN MY ACCOUNT.
102 OH, SATAN'S MINIONS AT WORK AGAIN.
103 NOW I HAVE TO GO THERE AND DEAL WITH THEM...
104 WHAT? KEEP IT!
105 IT'S NOT MINE.
106 I DIDN'T EARN IT.
107 IT WOULD BE LIKE STEALING.
108 YEAH, BUT IF YOU SPENT IT, IT WOULD BE LIKE SHOPPING.
109 OKAY, OKAY, LET'S SAY I BOUGHT A REALLY GREAT PAIR OF SHOES.
110 DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'D HEAR WITH EVERY STEP I TOOK?
111 "NOT MINE, NOT MINE, NOT MINE."
112 EVEN IF I WAS HAPPY, AND SKIPPING, I'D HEAR
113 "NOT, NOT MINE, NOT, NOT MINE..."
114 WE'RE WITH YOU, WE GOT IT.
115 I'D NEVER ENJOY IT.
116 IT WOULD BE LIKE THIS GIANT KARMIC DEBT.
117 Monica: CHANDLER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
118 HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
119 WHAT IS THIS?
120 I'M SMOKING, I'M SMOKING.
121 YOU'VE BEEN SO GOOD
122 FOR THREE YEARS.
123 AND THIS IS MY REWARD.
124 THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH THE LAST TIME YOU QUIT.
125 OKAY, SO THIS TIME I WON'T QUIT.
126 PUT IT OUT!
127 I'M PUTTING IT OUT.
128 OH, NO! I CAN'T DRINK THIS NOW.
129 I'M GOING TO GO CHANGE.
130 I'VE GOT A DATE.
131 WITH ALAN AGAIN?
132 HOW'S IT GOING?
133 IT'S GOING PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW.
134 HE'S NICE, WE'RE HAVING FUN.
135 WHEN DO WE MEET HIM?
136 LET'S SEE, TODAY IS MONDAY.
137 NEVER.
138 NO, NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED WITH STEVE.
139 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
140 ( imitates lisp ): WE LOVED SCHTEVE.
141 SCHTEVE WAS SCHEXY.
142 SORRY.
143 I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM.
144 LET ME FIGURE THAT OUT.
145 THEN CAN WE MEET HIM?
146 MMM... NO... SCHORRY.
147 Monica: I MEAN, WHY SHOULD I LET THEM MEET HIM?
148 I BRING A GUY HOME
149 AND SOON THEY'RE ALL OVER HIM.
150 THEY'RE LIKE COYOTES PICKING OFF THE WEAK MEMBERS OF THE HERD.
151 LISTEN, AS SOMEONE WHO'S SEEN MORE THAN HER SHARE OF BAD BEEF
152 THAT IS NOT SUCH A TERRIBLE THING.
153 YOUR FRIENDS ARE JUST LOOKING OUT AFTER YOU.
154 JUST ONCE I WISH I'D BRING A GUY HOME THEY LIKED.
155 WELL, YOU DO REALIZE THAT THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING
156 ARE A LITTLE SLIMMER
157 IF THEY NEVER MEET THE GUY.
158 LET IT GO, ROSS.
159 YEAH, WELL, YOU DIDN'T KNOW CHI CHI.
160 Monica: DO YOU ALL PROMISE?
161 All: YEAH, WE PROMISE.
162 WE'LL BE GOOD.
163 CHANDLER, DO YOU PROMISE?
164 YOU CAN COME IN
165 BUT YOUR FILTER-TIPPED LITTLE BUDDY STAYS OUTSIDE.
166 Ross: HEY, PHOEBES!
167 "DEAR MS. BUFFAY:
168 "THANK YOU FOR CALLING ATTENTION TO OUR ERROR.
169 "WE HAVE CREDITED YOUR ACCOUNT $500.
170 "WE'RE SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE
171 "AND HOPE YOU'LL ACCEPT
172 "THIS FOOTBALL PHONE...
173 AS OUR FREE GIFT."
174 DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?
175 NOW I HAVE $1,000 AND A FOOTBALL PHONE.
176 WHAT BANK IS THIS?
177 ( buzzer buzzes )
178 OKAY, IT'S HIM.
179 WHO IS IT? Alan.
180 CHANDLER, HE'S HERE!
181 OKAY, PLEASE BE GOOD, PLEASE.
182 JUST REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU LIKE ME.
183 ( knocking at door )
184 HI, ALAN, THIS IS EVERYBODY.
185 EVERYBODY, THIS IS ALAN.
186 HI.
187 All: HI, ALAN.
188 I'VE HEARD SCHO MUSCH ABOUT ALL YOU GUYS.
189 I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW. THANK YOU.
190 OKAY... OKAY, LET'S LET THE ALAN-BASHING BEGIN.
191 WHO'S GOING TO TAKE THE FIRST SHOT? HMM?
192 COME ON!
193 I'LL GO.
194 LET'S START WITH THE WAY HE KEPT PICKING AT...
195 YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY, I CAN'T DO THIS.
196 WE LOVED HIM.
197 All: WE LOVED HIM!
198 WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE THAT I'M GOING OUT WITH?
199 All: YES!
200 AND DID YOU NOTICE?
201 Men: YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
202 YOU KNOW WHAT WAS GREAT?
203 HOW HIS SMILE WAS CROOKED.
204 YES, LIKE THE MAN IN THE SHOE.
205 WHAT SHOE?
206 FROM THE NURSERY RHYME:
207 "THERE WAS A CROOKED MAN WHO HAD A CROOKED SMILE
208 "WHO LIVED IN A SHOE FOR A... WHILE."
209 SO I THINK ALAN... WILL BECOME THE YARDSTICK
210 AGAINST WHICH ALL FUTURE BOYFRIENDS WILL BE MEASURED.
211 WHAT FUTURE BOYFRIENDS?
212 NO, I THINK THIS COULD BE...
213 REALLY?
214 I'D MARRY HIM FOR HIS DAVID HASSELHOFF IMPRESSION.
215 YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO BE
216 DOING THAT AT PARTIES, RIGHT?
217 YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE MOST ABOUT HIM?
218 WHAT?
219 THE WAY HE MAKES ME FEEL ABOUT MYSELF.
220 YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.
221 HI.
222 HOW WAS THE GAME?
223 WELL...
224 All: WE WON!
225 FANTASTIC! I HAVE ONE QUESTION.
226 HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
227 ALAN. HE WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
228 HE WAS LIKE THAT BUGS BUNNY CARTOON
229 WHERE BUGS IS PLAYING ALL THE POSITIONS
230 BUT INSTEAD IT WAS FIRST BASE, ALAN;
231 SECOND BASE, ALAN; THIRD BASE, ALAN.
232 I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE HE MADE US INTO A TEAM.
233 YEP, WE SURE SHOWED THOSE HASIDIC JEWELERS
234 A THING OR TWO ABOUT SOFTBALL.
235 CAN I ASK YOU GUYS A QUESTION?
236 DO YOU EVER THINK THAT ALAN IS MAYBE SOMETIMES...
237 WHAT?
238 I DON'T KNOW, A LITTLE TOO ALAN?
239 Rachel: OH, NO, THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
240 ONE CAN NEVER BE TOO ALAN.
241 YEAH, IT'S HIS INNATE ALAN-NESS THAT WE ADORE.
242 I PERSONALLY COULD HAVE A GALLON OF ALAN.
243 HEY, LIZZY.
244 HEY, WEIRD GIRL.
245 I BROUGHT YOU ALPHABET SOUP.
246 WITHOUT THE VOWELS?
247 YES, BUT I LEFT IN THE "Y"s
248 BECAUSE YOU KNOW, "SOMETIMES Y..."
249 I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE. SALTINES?
250 NO, BUT WOULD YOU LIKE $1,000 AND A FOOTBALL PHONE?
251 WHAT?
252 OH, MY GOD!
253 THERE'S REALLY MONEY IN HERE. I KNOW.
254 WEIRD GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
255 I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT.
256 NO, NO, I HAVE TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.
257 NO, IT'S FINE, YOU DON'T...
258 DO YOU WANT MY TINFOIL HAT?
259 NO, BECAUSE YOU NEED THAT.
260 PLEASE, LET ME DO SOMETHING.
261 OKAY, ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
262 YOU BUY ME A SODA, AND THEN WE'RE EVEN, OKAY?
263 OKAY.
264 OKAY.
265 KEEP THE CHANGE.
266 THANKS, LIZZY.
267 SURE YOU DON'T WANT A PRETZEL?
268 NO, I'M FINE, THANKS.
269 SEE YOU.
270 HUH!
271 A THUMB?
272 EWW!
273 I KNOW, I KNOW, I OPENED IT UP
274 AND IT WAS FLOATING IN THERE LIKE THIS TINY HITCHHIKER.
275 MAYBE IT'S A CONTEST, LIKE, COLLECT ALL FIVE.
276 DOES ANYONE WANT TO SEE?
277 All: NO!
278 OH, HEY, DON'T DO THAT.
279 PUT THAT OUT.
280 COME ON!
281 IT'S WORSE THAN THE THUMB.
282 HEY, THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
283 WHY IS IT UNFAIR?
284 SO I HAVE A FLAW. BIG DEAL!
285 LIKE JOEY'S CONSTANT KNUCKLE CRACKING
286 ISN'T ANNOYING?
287 AND ROSS WHO OVERPRONOUNCES EVERY WORD;
288 AND MONICA WITH THAT SNORT WHEN SHE LAUGHS.
289 I MEAN WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?
290 I ACCEPT ALL THOSE FLAWS.
291 WHY CAN'T YOU ACCEPT ME FOR THIS?
292 DOES THE KNUCKLE CRACKING BOTHER EVERYBODY?
293 WELL, I COULD LIVE WITHOUT IT.
294 OH, WELL, IS IT, LIKE, A LITTLE ANNOYING
295 OR IS LIKE WHEN PHOEBE CHEWS HER HAIR?
296 NOW, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, PHOEBES.
297 I THINK IT'S ENDEARING.
298 OH, YOU DO, DO YOU?
299 ( laughs then snorts )
300 YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SPEAKING CORRECTLY.
301 INDEED, THERE ISN'T.
302 I SHOULD REALLY GET BACK TO WORK.
303 OTHERWISE SOMEONE MIGHT GET
304 WHAT THEY ORDERED.
305 Joey: OOH, WELL!
306 OH, HO, HO, THE HAIR COMES OUT AND THE GLOVES COME OFF.
307 ( general arguing )
308 DID YOU EVER GO OUT WITH A GUY
309 YOUR FRIENDS ALL REALLY LIKED?
310 NO.
311 OKAY. WELL, I'M GOING OUT
312 WITH A GUY MY FRIENDS ALL REALLY LIKE.
313 WERE WE TALKING ABOUT THE COYOTES HERE?
314 ALL RIGHT!
315 A COW GOT THROUGH!
316 CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
317 IT'S JUST... YOU KNOW WHAT?
318 I JUST DON'T FEEL THE THING.
319 I MEAN, THEY FEEL THE THING, I DON'T FEEL THE THING.
320 HONEY, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS FEEL THE THING.
321 IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE GUY, DUMP HIM.
322 I KNOW, IT'S JUST GOING TO BE REALLY HARD.
323 HE'S A BIG BOY, HE'LL GET OVER IT.
324 NO, HE'LL BE FINE.
325 IT'S THE OTHER FIVE I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
326 DON'T YOU RESPECT YOUR BODY?
327 DON'T YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
328 I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU GUYS AND YOUR CANCER
329 AND YOUR EMPHYSEMA AND YOUR HEART DISEASE.
330 SMOKING IS COOL AND YOU KNOW IT.
331 CHANDLER... IT'S ALAN, HE WANTS TO SPEAK WITH YOU.
332 REALLY, HE DOES?
333 HEY, BUDDY, WHAT'S UP?
334 OH, SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT, HUH?
335 WELL, YEAH, I HAVE ONE NOW AND THEN.
336 WELL, YEAH, NOW.
337 WELL, IT'S NOT THAT...
338 WELL, THAT'S TRUE.
339 GEE, YOU KNOW, NO ONE'S...
340 NO ONE'S EVER PUT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE.
341 SO, WELL, OKAY, THANKS.
342 GOD, HE'S GOOD.
343 IF ONLY HE WERE A WOMAN.
344 YEAH.
345 And Lamb Chop and Hush Puppy...
346 HOW OLD IS THAT SOCK?
347 IF I HAD A SOCK ON MY HAND FOR 30 YEARS
348 IT'D BE TALKING, TOO.
349 OKAY, I THINK IT'S TIME TO CHANGE
350 SOMEBODY'S NICOTINE PATCH.
351 HEY!
352 WHERE'S JOEY?
353 JOEY ATE MY LAST STICK OF GUM
354 SO I KILLED HIM.
355 DO YOU THINK THAT WAS WRONG?
356 HE'S ACROSS THE HALL.
357 THANKS.
358 THERE YOU GO.
359 OOH, I'M ALIVE WITH PLEASURE NOW.
360 HEY, PHOEBES, YOU GOING TO HAVE
361 THE REST OF THAT POP-TART? PHOEBES?
362 DOES ANYONE WANT THE REST OF THIS POP-TART?
363 HEY, I MIGHT.
364 SORRY.
365 YOU KNOW, THOSE STUPID SODA PEOPLE GAVE ME
366 $7,000 FOR THE THUMB.
367 $7,000?
368 AND ON MY WAY OVER HERE
369 I STEPPED IN GUM.
370 WHAT IS UP WITH THE UNIVERSE?
371 WHAT'S GOING ON?
372 NOTHING, I JUST THINK IT'S NICE
373 WHEN WE'RE ALL HERE TOGETHER.
374 NICER WHEN EVERYONE GETS TO WEAR THEIR UNDERWEAR.
375 UH, JOEY.
376 OH.
377 OH, OKAY.
378 ( protestations )
379 PLEASE, GUYS
380 WE HAVE TO TALK.
381 WAIT, WAIT.
382 I'M GETTING A DEJA VU.
383 NO, I'M NOT.
384 ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE TO TALK.
385 THERE IT IS!
386 OKAY, IT'S ABOUT ALAN.
387 THERE'S SOMETHING
388 THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW.
389 I MEAN, THERE'S REALLY NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS.
390 I'VE DECIDED TO BREAK UP WITH ALAN.
391 IS THERE SOMEBODY ELSE?
392 NO, NO, NO, NO, IT'S JUST...
393 YOU KNOW, THINGS CHANGE, PEOPLE CHANGE.
394 WE DIDN'T CHANGE.
395 SO THAT'S IT? IT'S OVER?
396 JUST LIKE THAT?
397 YOU KNOW, YOU LET YOUR GUARD DOWN
398 YOU KNOW, YOU START TO REALLY CARE ABOUT SOMEONE
399 AND I JUST... I...
400 LOOK, I CAN GO ON PRETENDING...
401 OKAY.
402 NO.
403 IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO ALAN, OR TO YOU.
404 YEAH, WELL, WHO WANTS FAIR?
405 I MEAN, I JUST WANT THINGS BACK
406 YOU KNOW, THE WAY THEY WERE.
407 I'M SORRY.
408 OH, SHE'S SORRY.
409 I FEEL BETTER.
410 I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
411 I MEAN, WITH THE HOLIDAYS COMING UP.
412 I WANTED HIM TO MEET MY FAMILY.
413 I'LL MEET SOMEONE ELSE.
414 THERE'LL BE OTHER ALANS.
415 OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
416 WILL YOU GUYS BE OKAY?
417 HEY, HEY, WE'LL BE FINE.
418 WE'RE JUST GOING TO NEED A LITTLE TIME.
419 I UNDERSTAND.
420 WOW!
421 I'M REALLY SORRY.
422 YEAH. I'M SORRY, TOO.
423 BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, I AM A LITTLE RELIEVED.
424 RELIEVED?
425 WELL, I MEAN, I HAD A GREAT TIME WITH YOU...
426 I JUST CAN'T STAND YOUR FRIENDS.
427 REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT TO CENTRAL PARK AND RENTED BOATS?
428 THAT WAS FUN.
429 YEAH.
430 HE COULD ROW LIKE A VIKING.
431 HI.
432 ( all mumble )
433 SO HOW DID IT GO?
434 UH... YOU KNOW.
435 DID... DID HE MENTION US?
436 HE SAYS HE'S REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU GUYS.
437 ( sighing )
438 YOU HAD A ROUGH DAY, HUH?
439 YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
440 COME HERE.
441 THAT'S IT, I'M GETTING CIGARETTES.
442 All: NO, NO, NO!
443 I DON'T CARE.
444 GAME'S OVER, I'M WEAK.
445 I MUST HAVE THE SMOKE.
446 Phoebe: IF YOU NEVER SMOKE AGAIN
447 I'LL GIVE YOU $7,000.
448 YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
449

S01E04

1 OH, THAT'S GOOD.
2 ALL RIGHT, PHOEBE.
3 OKAY. IF I WERE OMNIPOTENT FOR A DAY
4 I WOULD WANT, UM, WORLD PEACE,
5 NO MORE HUNGER,
6 GOOD THINGS FOR THE RAIN FOREST.
7 ...AND BIGGER BOOBS.
8 WELL, SEE. YOU TOOK MINE.
9 CHANDLER WHAT ABOUT YOU?
10 IF I WERE OMNIPOTENT FOR A DAY
11 I'D MAKE MYSELF OMNIPOTENT FOREVER.
12 SEE, THERE'S ALWAYS ONE GUY.
13 "IF I HAD A WISH
14 "I'D WISH FOR THREE MORE WISHES."
15 HEY, JOEY
16 WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE OMNIPOTENT?
17 PROBABLY KILL MYSELF.
18 EXCUSE ME?
19 HEY, IF LITTLE JOEY'S DEAD
20 THEN I GOT NO REASON TO LIVE.
21 JOEY, UH...
22 OM NIPOTENT.
23 YOU ARE?
24 ROSS, I'M SORRY.
25 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
26 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
27 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
28 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
29 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
30 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
31 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
32 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
33 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
34 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
35 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
36 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
37 HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?
38 I CANNOT SLEEP IN A PUBLIC PLACE.
39 WOULD YOU LOOK AT HER?
40 SHE'S SO PEACEFUL.
41 ( stirs ) ( screams )
42 WHAT? WHAT?
43 HI.
44 IT'S OKAY, YOU KNOW. YOU JUST NODDED OFF AGAIN.
45 WHAT'S GOING ON?
46 I GOT NO SLEEP LAST NIGHT.
47 MY GRANDMOTHER HAS THIS NEW BOYFRIEND
48 AND THEY'RE BOTH KIND OF INSECURE IN BED.
49 AND DEAF.
50 THEY'RE CONSTANTLY REASSURING EACH OTHER
51 THAT THEY'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.
52 YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LOUD THEY ARE.
53 WELL, IF YOU WANT YOU CAN STAY WITH RACHEL AND ME TONIGHT.
54 THANKS.
55 ...95, 96, 97.
56 SEE, I TOLD YOU.
57 LESS THAN 100 STEPS FROM OUR PLACE TO HERE.
58 YOU GOT TOO MUCH FREE TIME.
59 HEY, THERE'S THE BIRTHDAY BOY.
60 ROSS, CHECK IT OUT.
61 HOCKEY TICKETS, RANGERS-PENGUINS
62 AND WE'RE TAKING YOU.
63 HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
64 WE LOVE YOU, MAN.
65 THAT'S FUNNY.
66 MY BIRTHDAY WAS SEVEN MONTHS AGO.
67 SO?
68 SO, I'M GUESSING YOU HAD AN EXTRA TICKET
69 AND COULDN'T DECIDE WHO GOT TO BRING A DATE.
70 WELL, AREN'T WE MR. THE-GLASS-IS-HALF-EMPTY?
71 OH, MY GOD.
72 OH. IS TODAY THE 20th, OCTOBER 20th?
73 I WAS HOPING YOU WOULDN'T REMEMBER.
74 ( groans )
75 WHAT'S WITH THE 20th?
76 11 DAYS BEFORE HALLOWEEN--
77 ALL THE GOOD COSTUMES ARE GONE?
78 TODAY'S THE DAY CAROL AND I FIRST...
79 CONSUMMATED OUR...
80 PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP.
81 WITH SEX.
82 YOU KNOW WHAT?
83 I'D BETTER PASS ON THE GAME.
84 I THINK I'LL GO HOME AND THINK ABOUT MY EX-WIFE
85 AND HER LESBIAN LOVER.
86 TO HELL WITH HOCKEY. LET'S ALL DO THAT.
87 COME ON, ROSS.
88 YOU, ME, JOEY,
89 ICE, GUYS NIGHT OUT.
90 WHAT DO YOU SAY, BIG GUY? HUH?
91 HUH? HUH?
92 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
93 I HAVE NO IDEA.
94 COME ON, ROSS.
95 ALL RIGHT.
96 MAYBE IT WILL TAKE MY MIND OFF IT.
97 WILL YOU BUY ME A BIG FOAM FINGER?
98 YOU GOT IT.
99 LOOK. LOOK. LOOK.
100 MY FIRST PAYCHECK.
101 ( cheering )
102 LOOK.
103 THERE'S MY NAME.
104 HI, ME.
105 I REMEMBER THE DAY
106 I GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK.
107 THERE WAS A CAVE-IN IN THE MINES.
108 EIGHT PEOPLE WERE KILLED.
109 WOW. YOU WORKED IN A MINE?
110 NO. I WORKED AT A DAIRY QUEEN. WHY?
111 OH! ISN'T THIS EXCITING?
112 I EARNED THIS.
113 I WIPED TABLES FOR IT.
114 I STEAMED MILK FOR IT.
115 AND IT WAS TOTALLY...
116 NOT WORTH IT.
117 WHO'S "FICA"?
118 WHY'S HE GETTING ALL MY MONEY?
119 I MEAN, WHAT..?
120 CHANDLER, LOOK AT THAT.
121 OH. THIS IS NOT THAT BAD.
122 OH. YOU'RE FINE FOR A FIRST JOB.
123 Ross: YOU CAN TOTALLY,
124 TOTALLY LIVE ON THIS.
125 Phoebe: YEAH.
126 HEY, BY THE WAY, GREAT SERVICE TODAY.
127 All: YEAH.
128 All: HOCKEY!
129 Guys: HOCKEY!
130 RACHEL?
131 ( gasps ): OH, MY GOD!
132 ( screaming )
133 I'VE SEEN BIRDS DO THIS
134 ON WILD KINGDOM.
135 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
136 WELL, WE WERE IN THE CITY SHOPPING
137 AND YOUR MOM SAID YOU WORK HERE
138 AND IT'S TRUE!
139 LOOK AT YOU.
140 YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE IN A PLAY.
141 GOD, LOOK AT YOU.
142 YOU ARE SO BIG.
143 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
144 I KNOW. I KNOW.
145 I'M A DUPLEX.
146 SO WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
147 WELL, GUESS WHO MY DAD'S MAKING
148 PARTNER IN HIS FIRM?
149 ( screaming )
150 AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF NEWS...
151 ( screaming )
152 LOOK. LOOK. I HAVE ELBOWS.
153 ( screaming )
154 McTAVISH CROSSES THE BLUE LINE
155 PASSES TO LEECH
156 LEECH SPOTS MESSIER IN THE CREASE.
157 HERE'S THE PASS...
158 WE'LL TAKE A TIME OUT
159 WHILE MESSIER STOPS TO LOOK AT WOMEN'S SHOES.
160 CAROL WAS WEARING BOOTS JUST LIKE THOSE
161 THE NIGHT THAT WE...
162 WE FIRST, YOU KNOW...
163 IN FACT, SHE, UH, NEVER TOOK THEM OFF.
164 ( laughs )
165 SORRY.
166 I CAN'T BELIEVE KEENAN...
167 ( groans )
168 WHAT?
169 PEACH PIT.
170 YES, BUNNY?
171 PEACH PIT.
172 THAT NIGHT WE, UH, WE HAD...
173 PEACHES?
174 ACTUALLY, NECTARINES.
175 BUT, BASICALLY...
176 COULD HAVE BEEN A PEACH.
177 THEN WE, UH... THEN WE GOT DRESSED
178 AND I WALKED HER TO THE...
179 THE BUS STOP.
180 ( sighs )
181 I'M FINE.
182 HEY, THAT WOMAN'S GOT AN ASS LIKE CAROL'S.
183 WHAT?
184 I THOUGHT WE WERE TRYING TO FIND STUFF.
185 COME ON, YOU GUYS, TELL ME ALL THE DIRT.
186 WELL, THE BIGGEST NEWS IS STILL YOU DUMPING BARRY
187 AT THE ALTAR.
188 ALL RIGHT, LET'S TALK REALITY FOR A SECOND.
189 WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME?
190 WHAT... I'M NOT.
191 COME ON, THIS IS US.
192 I'M NOT.
193 THIS IS WHAT I'M DOING NOW.
194 I'VE GOT THIS JOB...
195 WAITRESSING?
196 I'M NOT JUST WAITRESSING.
197 I MEAN... I, UM...
198 I WRITE THE SPECIALS ON THE SPECIALS BOARD
199 AND I... I, UH...
200 I TAKE THE DEAD FLOWERS OUT OF THE VASE.
201 OH, AND SOMETIMES ARTURO
202 LETS ME PUT THE CHOCOLATE BLOBBIES ON THE COOKIES.
203 WELL, YOUR MOM DIDN'T TELL US ABOUT THE BLOBBIES.
204 Monica: HOW WAS IT WITH YOUR FRIENDS?
205 ( screaming )
206 OKAY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TIKI DEATH PUNCH?
207 WHAT'S THAT?
208 WELL, IT'S RUM AND...
209 OKAY.
210 WE THOUGHT WE'D HAVE KIND OF A SLUMBER PARTY THING.
211 WE GOT SOME TRASHY MAGAZINES.
212 WE GOT COOKIE DOUGH, WE GOT "TWISTER"...
213 ( phone ringing )
214 OH, AND I BROUGHT "OPERATION"
215 BUT I LOST THE TWEEZERS SO WE CAN'T OPERATE.
216 BUT WE CAN PREP THE GUY.
217 RACH, IT'S THE VISA CARD PEOPLE.
218 OH, GOD, ASK THEM WHAT THEY WANT.
219 COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THIS IS IN REFERENCE TO?
220 YES... THEY SAY THERE'S BEEN SOME UNUSUAL ACTIVITY
221 ON YOUR ACCOUNT.
222 BUT I HAVEN'T USED MY CARD IN WEEKS.
223 THAT IS THE UNUSUAL ACTIVITY.
224 LOOK, THEY JUST WANT TO SEE IF YOU'RE OKAY.
225 THEY WANT TO KNOW IF I'M OKAY.
226 OKAY, THEY WANT TO KNOW IF I'M OKAY.
227 OKAY, LET'S SEE...
228 WELL, THE FICA GUYS TOOK ALL MY MONEY.
229 EVERYONE I KNOW IS EITHER GETTING MARRIED
230 OR GETTING PREGNANT OR GETTING PROMOTED
231 AND I'M GETTING COFFEE, AND IT'S NOT EVEN FOR ME.
232 SO IF THAT SOUNDS LIKE I'M OKAY
233 THEN YOU CAN TELL THEM I'M OKAY. OKAY?
234 UH, RACHEL HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
235 CAN YOU CALL BACK?
236 ALL RIGHT, COME ON...
237 LET'S PLAY "TWISTER."
238 SORRY... SORRY... SORRY.
239 UH-OH.
240 WHAT?
241 THERE WAS ICE THERE THAT NIGHT WITH CAROL?
242 PLASTIC SEATS?
243 4,000 ANGRY PITTSBURGH FANS?
244 NO, ACTUALLY, I WAS JUST SAYING
245 LOOKS LIKE WE'RE NOT SITTING TOGETHER.
246 BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, THERE WAS ICE THERE THAT NIGHT.
247 IT WAS THE FIRST FROST.
248 WE WERE...
249 SIT, SIT... SIT DOWN, SIT.
250 YOU SHOULD FEEL GREAT.
251 YOU'RE DOING THIS AMAZING INDEPENDENT THING.
252 MONICA, WHAT IS SO AMAZING?
253 I GAVE UP, LIKE, EVERYTHING.
254 AND FOR WHAT?
255 YOU ARE JUST LIKE JACK.
256 JACK FROM DOWNSTAIRS?
257 NO, JACK AND THE BEANSTALK.
258 AH, THE OTHER JACK.
259 YEAH, RIGHT.
260 SEE, HE GAVE UP SOMETHING
261 BUT THEN HE GOT THOSE MAGIC BEANS
262 AND THEN HE WOKE UP
263 AND THERE WAS THIS BIG PLANT OUTSIDE OF HIS WINDOW
264 FULL OF POSSIBILITIES AND STUFF
265 AND HE LIVED IN A VILLAGE, AND YOU LIVE IN THE VILLAGE...
266 OKAY, BUT PHEEBS, PHEEBS...
267 JACK GAVE UP A COW.
268 I GAVE UP AN ORTHODONTIST.
269 I KNOW I DIDN'T LOVE HIM.
270 SEE, JACK DID LOVE THE COW.
271 BUT, SEE, IT WAS A PLAN.
272 IT WAS CLEAR.
273 EVERYTHING WAS FIGURED OUT
274 AND NOW EVERYTHING'S KIND OF LIKE...
275 FLOOPY?
276 YEAH.
277 YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE.
278 HALF THE TIME, WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING.
279 AT SOME POINT, IT'S ALL GOING TO COME TOGETHER
280 AND IT'S JUST GOING TO BE... UN-FLOOPY.
281 LIKE THAT'S A WORD.
282 BUT MONICA, WHAT IF IT DOESN'T COME TOGETHER?
283 PHEEBS?
284 WELL, CAUSE YOU JUST LIKE... I DON'T LIKE THIS QUESTION.
285 OKAY, SEE, SEE, YOU GUYS--
286 WHAT IF WE DON'T GET MAGIC BEANS?
287 WHAT IF ALL WE'VE GOT ARE... BEANS?
288 Ross: GET HIM, GET HIM.
289 GET HIM, GET HIM.
290 YES!
291 YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING NOW,
292 ARE YOU, PAL?
293 THAT'S ALL YOU NEEDED--
294 TOOTHLESS GUYS HITTING EACH OTHER.
295 WELL, PASS IT!
296 PASS IT.
297 Joey: HE'S OPEN.
298 SHOOT IT!
299 SHOOT IT!
300 SHOOT IT!
301 OHH...
302 HEY, LOOK, WE'RE ON THAT TV THING.
303 HEY, LOOK AT THAT, HEY!
304 EXCUSE ME.
305 IT SAYS TO CALL THIS NUMBER
306 IF YOU'RE NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED
307 WITH THIS CANDY BAR.
308 WELL, I'M NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED.
309 LISTEN, IT'S KIND OF AN EMERGENCY.
310 WELL, I GUESS YOU'D KNOW THAT
311 OR WE'D BE IN THE PREDICAMENT ROOM.
312 ( laughing )
313 HOLD ON. FILL THESE OUT. SIT OVER THERE.
314 LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY TROUBLE
315 BUT I'M IN A LOT OF PAIN.
316 MY FACE IS DENTED.
317 YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT YOUR TURN.
318 HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT'LL BE?
319 ANY MINUTE NOW.
320 HEY, MISS...
321 UH...
322 OH...
323 I'M SO SORRY, YOU GUYS.
324 I DIDN'T MEAN TO BRING YOU DOWN.
325 NO, YOU WERE RIGHT-- I DON'T HAVE A PLAN.
326 ( knocking at door )
327 PIZZA GUY!
328 OH, THANK GOD.
329 FOOD!
330 PHOEBE?
331 WHAT?
332 DO YOU HAVE A PLAN?
333 I DON'T EVEN HAVE A "PLA."
334 HI. ONE MUSHROOM, GREEN PEPPER AND ONION?
335 NO, NO... NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT WE ORDERED!
336 WE ORDERED A FAT-FREE CRUST WITH EXTRA CHEESE!
337 WAIT. YOU'RE NOT G. STEPHANOPOULOS?
338 MAN, MY DAD'S GOING TO KILL ME!
339 WAIT! DID YOU SAY G. STEPHANOPOULOS?
340 YEAH. THIS ONE GOES ACROSS THE STREET.
341 I MUST HAVE GIVEN HIM YOURS.
342 BONEHEAD! BONEHEAD!
343 IS THIS A SMALL MEDITERRANEAN GUY
344 WITH CURIOUSLY INTELLIGENT GOOD LOOKS?
345 YEAH. THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
346 WAS HE... WAS HE WEARING A STUNNING BLUE SUIT?
347 AND A POWER TIE?
348 NO. PRETTY MUCH JUST A TOWEL.
349 OH, GOD.
350 SO YOU GUYS WANT ME TO TAKE THIS BACK?
351 WHAT? ARE YOU NUTS?
352 WE'VE GOT GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS' PIZZA!
353 HERE.
354 UH, PHEEBS...
355 WHO IS GEORGE SNUFFLEUPAGUS?
356 THAT'S BIG BIRD'S FRIEND.
357 I SEE PIZZA!
358 I WANT TO SEE! LET ME SEE!
359 HELLO? WHO ARE WE SPYING ON?
360 YOU KNOW THE WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR?
361 CLINTON'S CAMPAIGN GUY
362 WITH GREAT HAIR, SEXY SMILE... REALLY CUTE BUTT?
363 OH, HIM! THE LITTLE GUY!
364 OH, I LOVE HIM!
365 UH, WAIT.
366 WAIT. I SEE A WOMAN.
367 TELL ME IT'S HIS MOTHER.
368 IT'S DEFINITELY NOT HIS MOTHER.
369 OH, NO...
370 WAIT. SHE'S WALKING ACROSS THE FLOOR.
371 SHE'S WALKING... SHE'S WALKING...
372 SHE'S GOING FOR THE PIZZA...
373 HEY, THAT'S NOT FOR YOU, BITCH!
374 EXCUSE ME. WE'VE BEEN HERE OVER AN HOUR
375 AND PEOPLE LESS SICK THAN MY FRIEND HAVE GONE IN.
376 I MEAN, THAT GUY WITH THE TOE THING?
377 WHO'S HE SLEEPING WITH?
378 OH, COME ON, DORA, DON'T BE MAD.
379 I KNOW WE BOTH SAID SOME THINGS WE...
380 DIDN'T MEAN, BUT...
381 THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE STILL DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER.
382 YOU KNOW, I... I FEEL LIKE I'VE LOST HER.
383 BAH!
384 LIGHTS STILL OUT?
385 YEAH.
386 WELL, MAYBE THEY'RE NAPPING.
387 OH, PLEASE.
388 THEY'RE HAVING SEX.
389 Both: SHUT UP!
390 SO... WHAT DO YOU THINK GEORGE IS LIKE?
391 I THINK HE'S SHY.
392 YEAH?
393 I THINK YOU HAVE TO DRAW HIM OUT, AND THEN...
394 WHEN YOU DO, HE'S A PREPPY ANIMAL.
395 I REMEMBER THE MOONLIGHT
396 COMING IN THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW.
397 HER FACE HAD THE MOST
398 INCREDIBLE GLOW.
399 YES, THE MOON, THE GLOW, THE MAGICAL FEELING.
400 YOU DID THIS PART.
401 COULD I GET SOME PAINKILLERS OVER HERE, PLEASE?
402 HE'S RIGHT. ENOUGH ALREADY.
403 WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT TODAY?
404 SO YOU SLEPT WITH HER FOR THE FIRST TIME-- SO WHAT?
405 YOU SLEPT WITH HER FOR SEVEN YEARS AFTER THAT.
406 IT'S JUST A LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED.
407 IS IT THAT SHE LEFT YOU, THAT SHE LIKES WOMEN
408 THAT SHE LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN THAT LIKES WOMEN?
409 A LITTLE LOUDER, OKAY?
410 THERE'S A MAN ON THE 12th FLOOR IN A COMA
411 WHO DIDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU.
412 THEN WHAT?
413 MY FIRST TIME WITH CAROL WAS...
414 ( mumbling ): MY FIRST TIME.
415 WHAT?
416 ( louder ): IT WAS MY FIRST... TIME.
417 WITH CAROL?
418 OH...
419 SO IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE
420 YOU'VE ONLY BEEN WITH ONE... OH.
421 WHOA, BOY, HOCKEY WAS A BIG MISTAKE.
422 THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF WE COULD HAVE DONE TONIGHT.
423 OKAY, I GOT ONE.
424 DO YOU REMEMBER THAT VEGETARIAN PATE THAT I MADE
425 THAT YOU LOVED SO MUCH?
426 UH-HUH.
427 ( chuckling )
428 WELL, UNLESS GOOSE IS A VEGETABLE...
429 OH! OH!
430 OKAY, FINE, FINE.
431 NOW I DON'T FEEL SO BAD ABOUT SLEEPING WITH JASON HURLEY.
432 WHAT?! YOU SLEPT WITH JASON?
433 YOU'D ALREADY BROKEN UP.
434 HOW LONG?
435 JUST A COUPLE HOURS.
436 OH, THAT'S NICE.
437 OKAY, OKAY, I GOT ONE.
438 ANYWAY, THE VALENTINE TOMMY ROLLERSON LEFT IN YOUR LOCKER
439 WAS REALLY FROM ME!
440 EXCUSE ME?
441 OH, HELLO? LIKE HE WAS REALLY GOING TO SEND YOU ONE.
442 SHE WAS A BIG GIRL.
443 REALLY? WELL, AT LEAST BIG GIRLS
444 DON'T PEE IN THEIR PANTS IN SEVENTH GRADE.
445 I WAS LAUGHING!
446 YOU MADE ME LAUGH!
447 ( both arguing )
448 THERE HE IS!
449 WHERE?
450 RIGHT WHERE WE'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL NIGHT.
451 OH, HE'S SO CUTE.
452 OH, GEORGE, BABY, DROP THE TOWEL!
453 DROP THE TOWEL. DROP THE TOWEL.
454 WOW! WOW! WOW!
455 MAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE HE'S ONLY HAD SEX
456 WITH ONE WOMAN?
457 I THINK IT'S GREAT.
458 YOU KNOW, IT'S SWEET, IT'S ROMANTIC...
459 REALLY?
460 NAH. YOU KIDDING? THE GUY'S A FREAK.
461 HEY! HEY, BUDDY!
462 HUH? HUH?
463 OH... THAT'S ATTRACTIVE.
464 OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GREAT IN THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.
465 OH, COME ON, ADMIT IT-- YOU HAD FUN TONIGHT.
466 FUN? WHERE WAS THE FUN?
467 TELL ME SPECIFICALLY WHICH PART WAS THE FUN PART?
468 WHERE'S MY PUCK?
469 OH, THE KID HAS IT.
470 THE KID?
471 EXCUSE ME. THAT'S... THAT'S MY PUCK.
472 I FOUND IT.
473 FINDERS KEEPERS, LOSERS WEEPERS.
474 YOU GOT TO DO IT, MAN.
475 OH, YEAH? WELL, I'M RUBBER, YOU'RE GLUE.
476 WHATEVER YOU... NAH.
477 LISTEN, UH... GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK.
478 NO.
479 YES. HOW ABOUT?
480 NO! NO!
481 GIVE ME MY PUCK...
482 HEY! NO ROUGHHOUSING IN MY E.R.!
483 GIVE ME MY PUCK!
484 NOW, THAT WAS FUN.
485 OKAY, MONICA, "RIGHT FOOT RED."
486 WE COULD HAVE PLAYED MONOPOLY, BUT NO...
487 ( knock at door )
488 THANKS.
489 OKAY, PHEEBS, "RIGHT HAND BLUE."
490 GOOD.
491 ( phone rings )
492 HELLO?
493 OH, UH, RACHEL, IT'S THE VISA CARD PEOPLE.
494 WILL YOU TAKE MY PLACE?
495 ALL RIGHT. YES, THIS IS RACHEL.
496 NO!
497 HELLO? OH, YEAH, I KNOW.
498 I HAVEN'T BEEN USING IT MUCH.
499 OH! WELL, THANKS, BUT I'M OKAY, REALLY.
500 TO THE GRAY, TO THE GRAY.
501 I'VE GOT MAGIC BEANS.
502 NO, NO, NEVER... NEVER MIND.
503 ( all yelling )
504 I'M FINE.
505

S01E05

1 WILL YOU LET IT GO?
2 IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
3 IT'S AMAZING, OKAY?
4 YOU JUST REACH IN THERE
5 THERE'S ONE LITTLE MANEUVER
6 AND BAM, A BRA, RIGHT OUT THE SLEEVE.
7 AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED
8 THERE IS NOTHING A GUY CAN DO THAT EVEN COMES CLOSE.
9 Rachel: OH, COME ON!
10 YOU GUYS CAN PEE STANDING UP.
11 WE CAN? OKAY, I'M TRYING THAT.
12 YOU KNOW WHAT BLOWS MY MIND?
13 WOMEN CAN SEE BREASTS ANYTIME THEY WANT.
14 YOU JUST LOOK DOWN, AND THERE THEY ARE.
15 HOW YOU GET ANY WORK DONE IS BEYOND ME.
16 OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T GET?
17 THE WAY GUYS CAN DO SO MANY MEAN THINGS
18 AND THEN NOT EVEN CARE.
19 MULTIPLE ORGASMS.
20 Joey: THERE YOU GO.
21 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
22 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
23 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
24 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
25 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
26 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
27 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
28 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
29 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
30 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
31 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
32 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO ♪
33 SO, SATURDAY NIGHT, THE BIG NIGHT
34 DATE NIGHT, SATURDAY NIGHT, SA-TUR-DAY NIGHT!
35 NO PLANS, HUH?
36 NOT A ONE.
37 NOT EVEN, SAY, BREAKING UP WITH JANICE?
38 OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
39 SHUT UP.
40 CHANDLER, NOBODY LIKES BREAKING UP WITH SOMEONE.
41 YOU JUST GOT TO DO IT.
42 I KNOW, BUT IT'S JUST SO HARD, YOU KNOW?
43 I MEAN, YOU'RE SITTING THERE WITH HER.
44 SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT'S HAPPENING.
45 YOU FINALLY GET UP THE COURAGE TO DO IT
46 AND THERE'S THAT HORRIBLE AWKWARD MOMENT
47 WHEN YOU'VE HANDED HER THE NOTE...
48 WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH HER?
49 BE A MAN.
50 JUST STOP CALLING.
51 IF YOU WANT, I'LL DO IT WITH YOU.
52 I THINK SHE'D FEEL LIKE WE'RE GANGING UP ON HER.
53 NO, I MEAN, YOU BREAK UP WITH JANICE
54 AND I'LL BREAK UP WITH TONY.
55 YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH TONY?
56 YEAH, I KNOW HE'S SWEET, BUT IT'S JUST NOT FUN ANYMORE.
57 I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S ME OR HIS HUNGER STRIKE, OR...
58 DOES ANYBODY WANT ANYTHING ELSE?
59 OH, YEAH.
60 LAST WEEK YOU HAD A WONDERFUL
61 NUTTY, CHOCOLATY KIND OF A CAKEY PIE-THING...
62 NOTHING. JUST, JUST... I'M FINE.
63 WHAT'S THE MATTER?
64 WHY SO SCRUNCHY?
65 OH, IT'S MY FATHER.
66 HE WANTS TO GIVE ME A MERCEDES CONVERTIBLE.
67 THAT GUY... HE BURNS ME UP.
68 YEAH, WELL, IT'S A MERCEDES IF I MOVE BACK HOME.
69 UGH, IT'S HORRIBLE!
70 HE CALLED ME "YOUNG LADY."
71 I HATE WHEN MY FATHER CALLS ME THAT.
72 DID HE GIVE YOU
73 THAT "YOU'RE NOT UP TO THIS" THING AGAIN?
74 OH, YEAH. I ACTUALLY GOT THE EXTENDED DISCO VERSION
75 WITH THREE CHORUSES OF "YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN."
76 ♪ UH-HUH, UH-HUH. ♪
77 HI, JOEY.
78 OH, MY GOD-- ANGELA.
79 WOW. BEING DUMPED BY YOU OBVIOUSLY AGREES WITH HER.
80 ARE YOU GOING TO GO OVER THERE?
81 NO. YEAH. NO.
82 OKAY, BUT NOT YET.
83 I DON'T WANT TO SEEM TOO EAGER.
84 ONE-MISSISSIPPI, TWO-MISSISSIPPI
85 THREE-MISSISSIPPI... THAT SEEMS PRETTY COOL.
86 HEY, ANGELA.
87 JOEY.
88 YOU LOOK GOOD.
89 THAT'S 'CAUSE I'M WEARING A DRESS
90 THAT ACCENTS MY BOOBS.
91 YOU DON'T SAY.
92 SO, RACHEL WHAT ARE YOU...
93 WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?
94 OH, BIG GLAMOUR NIGHT
95 ME AND MONICA AT LAUNDERAMA.
96 OH. YOU, UH...
97 YOU WANT TO HEAR A FREAKISH COINCIDENCE?
98 GUESS WHO'S DOING LAUNDRY THERE TOO?
99 WHO?
100 ME.
101 WAS THAT NOT CLEAR?
102 UH, HEY, WHY DON'T, UH...
103 WHY DON'T I JUST JOIN YOU... BOTH... THERE?
104 DON'T YOU HAVE A LAUNDRY ROOM IN YOUR BUILDING?
105 YES.
106 I DO HAVE A LAUNDRY ROOM IN MY BUILDING.
107 UH, BUT THERE'S A RAT PROBLEM.
108 THEY'RE ATTRACTED TO THE DRYER SHEETS
109 AND THEY'RE GOING IN FINE
110 BUT THEY'RE COMING OUT ALL...
111 FLUFFY.
112 ANYWAY, SAY, SEVEN-ISH?
113 SURE.
114 FORGET IT, JOEY.
115 I'M WITH BOB NOW.
116 BOB? MM-HMM.
117 WHO THE HELL'S BOB?
118 BOB IS GREAT.
119 HE'S SMART, HE'S SOPHISTICATED
120 AND HE HAS A REAL JOB.
121 YOU, YOU GO ON THREE AUDITIONS A MONTH
122 AND YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ACTOR
123 BUT BOB...
124 COME ON.
125 WE WERE GREAT TOGETHER
126 AND NOT JUST AT THE FUN STUFF
127 BUT, LIKE, TALKING TOO.
128 YEAH...
129 YEAH, WELL, SORRY, JOE.
130 YOU SAID "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS"
131 SO GUESS WHAT?
132 WHAT?
133 WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.
134 FINE. FINE. SO, WHY DON'T THE FOUR OF US
135 GO OUT AND HAVE DINNER TOGETHER TONIGHT--
136 YOU KNOW, AS FRIENDS?
137 WHAT FOUR OF US?
138 WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU AND BOB
139 AND ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND, UH... UH...
140 MONICA.
141 I'M TELLING YOU
142 THIS GUY IS PERFECT FOR YOU.
143 FORGET IT.
144 NOT AFTER YOUR COUSIN
145 WHO COULD BELCH THE ALPHABET.
146 COME ON.
147 THIS GUY'S GREAT.
148 HIS NAME'S BOB.
149 HE'S ANGELA'S... BROTHER.
150 HE'S SMART, HE'S
151 SOPHISTICATED, AND HE HAS A REAL JOB.
152 ME, I GO ON THREE AUDITIONS A MONTH
153 AND CALL MYSELF AN ACTOR, BUT BOB IS...
154 OH, GOD HELP US.
155 WHAT?
156 UGLY NAKED GUYS LAYING KITCHEN TILE.
157 EEW! EEW!
158 LOOK, I'M ASKING A FAVOR HERE.
159 YOU KNOW, I'M THINKING
160 IF I DO THIS THING FOR HER BROTHER
161 MAYBE ANGELA WILL COME BACK TO ME.
162 WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
163 YOU GO OUT WITH TONS OF GIRLS.
164 I KNOW, BUT...
165 LOOK, I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.
166 I NEVER SHOULD HAVE BROKE UP WITH HER.
167 WILL YOU HELP ME? PLEASE?
168 OKAY. BYE.
169 WELL, MONICA'S NOT COMING.
170 IT'S JUST GOING TO BE ME AND RACHEL.
171 ( chuckling softly )
172 WELL, HOLD ON THERE, CAMPER.
173 YOU SURE YOU'VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH?
174 IT'S LAUNDRY.
175 THE THINKING THROUGH IS PRETTY MINIMAL.
176 SEE, IT'S JUST YOU AND RACHEL, JUST THE TWO OF YOU?
177 THIS IS A DATE.
178 YOU'RE GOING ON A DATE.
179 N'UH-UH.
180 Y'UH-HUH.
181 SO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING HERE--
182 I SHOULD SHAVE AGAIN, PICK UP SOME WINE? WHAT?
183 WELL, YOU, UH, MAY WANT
184 TO RETHINK THE DIRTY UNDERWEAR.
185 THIS IS BASICALLY THE FIRST TIME
186 SHE'S GOING TO SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR.
187 DO YOU WANT IT TO BE DIRTY?
188 NO.
189 OH, AND, UH, THE FABRIC SOFTENER?
190 OKAY, OKAY, NOW, WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY SNUGGLES?
191 IT, WHAT? IT SAYS I'M A SENSITIVE, WARM KIND OF GUY
192 YOU KNOW, LIKE A LITTLE FUZZY BEAR.
193 I CAN GET SOMETHING ELSE.
194 THERE YOU GO.
195 THANK YOU.
196 SO, WHAT DOES THIS BOB GUY LOOK LIKE?
197 IS HE TALL, SHORT?
198 YUP.
199 WHICH?
200 WHICH WHAT?
201 YOU'VE NEVER MET BOB, HAVE YOU?
202 NO, BUT HE'S...
203 OH, MY GOD, JOEY
204 THIS GUY COULD BE HORRIBLY...
205 HEY, JOEY!
206 HORRIBLY ATTRACTIVE.
207 I'LL BE SHUTTING UP NOW.
208 WHERE ARE THEY?
209 WHERE ARE THEY?
210 THIS IS NICE.
211 WE NEVER DO ANYTHING JUST THE TWO OF US.
212 IT'S GREAT.
213 MAYBE TOMORROW WE CAN RENT A CAR
214 RUN OVER SOME PUPPIES.
215 I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
216 HERE WE GO.
217 OKAY, HAVE A GOOD BREAK-UP.
218 HEY, JANICE.
219 OH, MY GOD I AM SO GLAD
220 YOU CALLED ME.
221 I HAD THE MOST SUPREMELY AWFUL DAY.
222 HEY, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
223 CAN I GET AN ESPRESSO AND A LATTE OVER HERE, PLEASE?
224 WE GOT THE PROOFS BACK FROM THAT PHOTO SHOOT--
225 THE ONE WITH THE LITTLE VEGETABLES--
226 THEY PRETTY MUCH SUCKED
227 SO I BLEW OFF THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON.
228 I WENT SHOPPING, AND I GOT YOU...
229 I'M LOOKING, I'M LOOKING...
230 I'M LOOKING...
231 I GOT YOU...
232 WHAT?!
233 WHAT?
234 WHAT... DID YOU GET ME THERE?
235 I GOT YOU...
236 THESE.
237 BULLWINKLE SOCKS.
238 THAT'S SO SWEET.
239 I KNEW YOU HAD THE ROCKYS
240 SO YOU COULD WEAR BULLWINKLE AND BULLWINKLE
241 OR YOU COULD WEAR ROCKY AND ROCKY
242 OR YOU CAN MIX AND MATCH.
243 MOOSE AND SQUIRREL.
244 WHATEVER YOU WANT.
245 WELL, I'M GOING TO GET ANOTHER ESPRESSO.
246 MORE LATTE?
247 NO... NO, I-I'M, I'M STILL WORKING ON MINE.
248 ( braying laugh )
249 THAT'S IT?
250 YEAH, IT WAS REALLY HARD.
251 OH, YEAH, THE HUG LOOKED PRETTY BRUTAL.
252 OKAY, YOU WEREN'T THERE.
253 Woman: COMING THROUGH. MOVE, MOVE.
254 OH, EXCUSE ME.
255 I WAS KIND OF USING THAT MACHINE.
256 YEAH, WELL, NOW YOU'RE KIND OF NOT.
257 BUT, I-I SAVED IT.
258 I-I PUT MY BASKET ON TOP.
259 OH, I'M SORRY, IS THAT YOUR BASKET?
260 YES.
261 IT'S REALLY PRETTY.
262 UNFORTUNATELY, I DON'T SEE SUDS!
263 WHAT?
264 NO SUDS, NO SAVE. OKAY?
265 WHAT'S GOING ON?
266 HI. UH, NOTHING.
267 THIS HORRIBLE WOMAN JUST TOOK MY MACHINE.
268 WAS YOUR BASKET ON TOP?
269 YEAH, BUT THERE WERE NO SUDS.
270 SO?
271 YOU KNOW, "NO SUDS, NO SAVE."
272 NO SUDS, NO..? EXCUSE ME.
273 HOLD ON A SECOND.
274 THIS IS MY FRIEND'S MACHINE.
275 HEY, HEY, HEY, HER STUFF WASN'T IN IT.
276 HEY, HEY, HEY, THAT'S NOT THE RULE
277 AND YOU KNOW IT.
278 ALL RIGHT, SHOW'S OVER.
279 NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
280 OKAY, LET'S DO LAUNDRY.
281 THAT WAS AMAZING.
282 WELL...
283 I CAN'T EVEN SEND BACK SOUP.
284 WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A SWEET, GENTLE, UH...
285 UM, UH, DO YOU, UH, OH, HEY
286 YOU MUST NEED DETERGENT. OH!
287 WHAT'S THAT?
288 UBERWEISS. IT'S NEW, IT'S GERMAN
289 IT'S EXTRA-TOUGH.
290 RACH, ARE YOU GOING TO SEPARATE THOSE?
291 OH, GOD. OH!
292 AM I BEING, LIKE A TOTAL LAUNDRY SPAZ?
293 I MEAN, AM I SUPPOSED TO USE ONE MACHINE FOR SHIRTS
294 AND ANOTHER MACHINE FOR PANTS?
295 HAVE YOU..?
296 HAVE YOU NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE?
297 WELL, NOT MYSELF
298 BUT I KNOW OTHER PEOPLE THAT HAVE.
299 OKAY, YOU CAUGHT ME.
300 I'M A LAUNDRY VIRGIN.
301 UH, WELL, DON'T WORRY, I'LL USE THE GENTLE CYCLE.
302 OKAY, UH...
303 BASICALLY, YOU WANT TO USE ONE MACHINE
304 FOR ALL YOUR WHITES
305 A WHOLE NOTHER MACHINE FOR, FOR YOUR COLORS
306 AND, AND A THIRD FOR YOUR, UH...
307 UH... DELICATES, AND THAT WOULD BE
308 YOUR BRAS AND YOUR UNDER... PANTY-THINGS.
309 OKAY, WELL, WHAT ABOUT...
310 THESE ARE WHITE COTTON PANTIES.
311 WOULD THEY GO WITH WHITES
312 OR WITH DELICATES?
313 UH, THAT, THAT...
314 THAT WOULD BE A JUDGMENT CALL.
315 ( all laughing )
316 SO, WHERE DID YOU GUYS GROW UP?
317 BROOKLYN HEIGHTS. CLEVELAND.
318 HA.
319 HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
320 OH, MY GOD!
321 WHAT?
322 I, UH, SUDDENLY HAD THE FEELING
323 I WAS... FALLING.
324 BUT I'M NOT.
325 SO, YOU AND ANGELA, HUH?
326 YEP. PRETTY MUCH.
327 YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN.
328 YEAH.
329 YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS THE MOST ABOUT HER?
330 THAT CUTE NIBBLY NOISE SHE MAKES WHEN SHE EATS
331 LIKE A HAPPY LITTLE SQUIRREL OR...
332 OR A WEASEL.
333 I... I NEVER REALLY NOTICED.
334 OH, YEAH, YEAH.
335 LISTEN FOR IT.
336 MONICA...
337 MONICA IS GREAT.
338 YEAH. YEAH, SHE IS.
339 BUT, UH... IT'S NOT GOING TO LAST.
340 SHE'S TOO MUCH FOR ME IN BED.
341 SEXUALLY.
342 I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.
343 BOB IS TERRIFIC.
344 YEAH. ISN'T HE?
345 IT IS SO GREAT TO MEET A GUY WHO'S SMART AND FUNNY
346 AND HAS AN EMOTIONAL AGE BEYOND, LIKE, EIGHT.
347 YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
348 HE'S UNBELIEVABLE IN BED.
349 WOW.
350 MY BROTHER NEVER EVEN TOLD ME WHEN HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY.
351 HUH.
352 THAT'S NICE.
353 YOU CAN DO THIS.
354 IT'S JUST LIKE PULLING OFF A BAND-AID.
355 JUST DO IT REALLY FAST AND THEN THE WOUND IS EXPOSED.
356 GO. GO.
357 JANICE...
358 HI, JANICE.
359 OKAY, HERE WE GO: I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GO OUT ANYMORE.
360 JANICE.
361 ALL RIGHT.
362 WELL...
363 WELL, THERE YOU GO.
364 STOP IT. STOP IT.
365 STOP IT.
366 OKAY. I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND REALLY STUPID
367 BUT I FEEL... I FEEL THAT IF I CAN DO THIS...
368 YOU KNOW, IF I CAN ACTUALLY DO MY OWN LAUNDRY
369 THERE ISN'T ANYTHING I CAN'T DO.
370 THAT DOES NOT SOUND STUPID TO ME.
371 LIKE THE FIRST TIME I HAD TO MAKE DINNER FOR MYSELF
372 AFTER CAROL LEFT ME.
373 ( buzzing )
374 THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.
375 NEXT, ON ROSS...
376 OKAY. UH-OH.
377 WHAT "UH-OH"?
378 UH-OH...
379 UH-OH... THE LAUNDRY'S DONE.
380 IT'S A... IT'S A SONG.
381 THE LAUNDRY SONG THAT WE SING.
382 ♪ UH-OH, THE LAUNDRY'S DONE. ♪
383 ROSS, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
384 NOTHING.
385 ♪ LEE-LO, THE LAUNDRY'S DONE. ♪
386 COME ON. SHOW ME.
387 IT'S JUST THAT YOU LEFT A RED SOCK IN
388 WITH ALL YOUR WHITES AND NOW...
389 EVERYTHING'S KIND OF PINK.
390 OH. EVERYTHING'S PINK.
391 YEAH.
392 EXCEPT FOR THE RED SOCK, WHICH IS STILL RED.
393 DON'T BE UPSET.
394 IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE.
395 BUT IT DIDN'T. IT HAPPENED TO ME.
396 GOD! I'M GOING TO LOOK LIKE A BIG MARSHMALLOW PEEP.
397 WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT AM I DOING?
398 MY FATHER'S RIGHT.
399 I CAN'T LIVE ON MY OWN.
400 I CAN'T EVEN DO LAUNDRY.
401 ( making nibbly noises )
402 SOMETHING WENT WRONG WITH UNDERDOG
403 AND THEY COULDN'T GET HIS HEAD TO INFLATE
404 SO, ANYWAY, UM...
405 HIS HEAD IS, LIKE, FLOPPING DOWN BROADWAY, RIGHT?
406 AND I'M JUST THINKING...
407 HOW INAPPROPRIATE THIS IS.
408 UM... I'VE GOT SOMETHING IN MY EYE.
409 JOEY, COULD WE CHECK IT IN THE LIGHT?
410 OH, MY GOD.
411 WHAT?
412 HELLO?!
413 WERE WE AT THE SAME TABLE?
414 IT'S LIKE COCKTAILS IN APPALACHIA.
415 COME ON. THEY'RE CLOSE.
416 CLOSE?
417 SHE'S GOT HER TONGUE IN HIS EAR.
418 OH. LIKE YOU'VE NEVER GOTTEN A LITTLE RAMBUNCTIOUS WITH ROSS?
419 JOEY, THIS IS SICK.
420 IT'S DISGUSTING.
421 IT'S... IT'S...
422 NOT REALLY TRUE, IS IT?
423 WHO'S TO SAY WHAT'S TRUE?
424 WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
425 ALL RIGHT, LOOK. I'M NOT PROUD OF THIS.
426 WELL, MAYBE I AM A LITTLE.
427 OH!
428 I'M OUT OF HERE.
429 WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.
430 YOU LIKE HIM. I WANT HER.
431 HE LIKES YOU.
432 REALLY?
433 YEAH.
434 I'M THINKING IF WE PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER
435 BETWEEN THE TWO OF US WE CAN BREAK THEM UP.
436 I'M SO SORRY.
437 I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS.
438 I JUST COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING AT YOUR NORMAN MAILER STORY
439 ( making nibbly noises )
440 WAITER, ONE MORE PLATE OF CHICKEN WINGS.
441 HERE'S THE THING, JANICE, WE'RE DIFFERENT.
442 I'M LIKE THE BING, BING, BING.
443 YOU'RE LIKE THE BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.
444 OW!
445 MY GOD!
446 I'M SO SORRY.
447 ARE YOU OKAY?
448 OW.
449 IT'S JUST MY LENS.
450 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
451 OW.
452 I HIT HER IN THE EYE.
453 I HIT HER IN THE EYE!
454 THIS IS THE WORST BREAKUP IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
455 OH, MY GOD.
456 HOW MANY OF THOSE HAVE YOU HAD?
457 I DON'T KNOW.
458 A MILLION?
459 CHANDLER, SHH.
460 EASY. EASY.
461 GO TO YOUR HAPPY PLACE.
462 ♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA. ♪
463 I'M FINE. I'M FINE.
464 I'M FINE.
465 I'M NOT FINE.
466 HERE SHE COMES.
467 JUST WAIT HERE, OKAY?
468 BREATHE.
469 HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
470 IT'S LIKE A GIFT.
471 WE SHOULD ALWAYS, ALWAYS BREAK UP TOGETHER.
472 OH, I'D LIKE THAT.
473 YOU GOT THE CLOTHES CLEAN.
474 NOW, THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART.
475 OH, I GUESS.
476 EXCEPT EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE JAMMIES NOW.
477 OH, I'M SORRY.
478 EXCUSE ME.
479 WE HAD THIS CART.
480 YEAH, WELL, I HAD A 24-INCH WAIST.
481 YOU LOSE THINGS.
482 NOW, COME ON.
483 GET OUT OF MY WAY.
484 MAYBE I WASN'T BEING CLEAR.
485 THIS WAS OUR CART.
486 THERE WEREN'T ANY CLOTHES IN IT!
487 HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! QUIT MAKING UP RULES!
488 LET GO!
489 ( arguing )
490 ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, MITZI.
491 IF YOU WANT THIS CART
492 YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE ME WITH IT.
493 YES.
494 DID YOU SEE THAT?
495 YOU WERE INCREDIBLE.
496 A BRAND-NEW WOMAN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
497 I COULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT YOU.
498 OKAY, UM... UH...
499 MORE CLOTHES IN THE DRYER?
500 I'M FINE. I'M FINE.
501 ARE YOU SURE?
502 NO.
503 ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?
504 YEAH.
505 DOES IT STILL HURT?
506 YEAH.
507 WHAT A NEAT IDEA.
508 ALL YOUR CLOTHES MATCH.
509 I'M GOING TO DO THIS.
510 HI.
511 HEY. HOW DID IT GO?
512 EXCELLENT.
513 WE RIPPED THAT COUPLE APART
514 AND KEPT THE PIECES FOR OURSELVES.
515 WHAT A BEAUTIFUL STORY.
516 HEY. I'M FINE, BY THE WAY.
517 OH, I'M...
518 HEY. WHERE'S CHANDLER?
519 HE NEEDED SOME TIME TO GRIEVE.
520 I'M FREE! I'M FREE!
521 THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.
522

S01E06

1 THERE'S JOEY'S PICTURE.
2 THIS IS SO EXCITING.
3 YOU CAN ALWAYS SPOT SOMEONE
4 WHO'S NEVER SEEN ONE OF HIS PLAYS BEFORE.
5 NO FEAR, NO SENSE OF IMPENDING DOOM.
6 THE EXCLAMATION POINT IN THE TITLE SCARES ME.
7 IT'S NOT JUST FREUD, IT'S FREUD!
8 SHH. THE MAGIC IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
9 ( with German accent ): WELL, EVA
10 WE'VE DONE SOME EXCELLENT WORK HERE
11 AND I WOULD HAVE TO SAY
12 YOUR PROBLEM IS QUITE CLEAR.
13 ( piano intro playing )
14 ♪ ALL YOU WANT IS A DINKLE ♪
15 ♪ WHAT YOU ENVY'S A SCHWANG ♪
16 ♪ A THING THROUGH WHICH YOU CAN TINKLE ♪
17 ♪ OR PLAY WITH OR SIMPLY LET HANG. ♪
18 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
19 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
20 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
21 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
22 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
23 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
24 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
25 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
26 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
27 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
28 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
29 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
30 ( cheering )
31 ( moaning )
32 I FEEL VIOLATED.
33 WAS I THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTED TO PEEL
34 THE SKIN OFF THEIR BODY
35 TO HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO?
36 ROSS, 10:00.
37 IS IT? FEELS LIKE 2:00.
38 NO, 10:00.
39 WHAT?
40 THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AT 8:00, 9:00, 10:00.
41 Ross: HELLO.
42 SHE'S AMAZING!
43 SHE MAKES THE WOMEN I DREAM ABOUT
44 LOOK LIKE SHORT, FAT, BALD MEN.
45 WELL, GO OVER TO HER.
46 SHE'S NOT WITH ANYONE.
47 WHAT WOULD MY OPENING LINE BE?
48 "EXCUSE ME...
49 ( blubbering )
50 COME ON, SHE'S A PERSON.
51 YOU CAN DO IT.
52 COULD SHE BE MORE OUT OF MY LEAGUE?
53 ROSS, BACK ME UP HERE.
54 HE COULD NEVER GET A WOMAN LIKE THAT
55 IN A MILLION YEARS.
56 YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS SEE THESE REALLY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
57 WITH THESE REALLY NOTHING GUYS.
58 YOU COULD BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS.
59 YOU THINK?
60 YEAH. ABSOLUTELY.
61 I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M EVEN CONSIDERING THIS.
62 I'M VERY AWARE OF MY TONGUE.
63 COME ON.
64 HERE GOES.
65 YES?
66 HI.
67 UM... OKAY NEXT WORD WOULD BE...
68 UH, CHANDLER...
69 CHANDLER IS MY NAME.
70 AND UH... UH... HI.
71 YES, YOU SAID THAT.
72 YES, I DID.
73 BUT WHAT I DIDN'T SAY...
74 WHAT I WANTED TO SAY WAS
75 WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO OUT WITH ME?
76 THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT.
77 CHANDLER...
78 HEY! I DIDN'T KNOW
79 YOU COULD DANCE.
80 WAS IT GOOD?
81 I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD DANCE.
82 COME ON. IT WASN'T THAT BAD.
83 IT WAS BETTER THAN THAT THING WITH THE TROLLS.
84 AT LEAST YOU GOT TO SEE MY HEAD.
85 YOU'RE RIGHT.
86 SAW YOUR HEAD.
87 SHE SAID YES! SHE SAID YES!
88 GREAT!
89 AWFUL PLAY, MAN.
90 WHOA!
91 HER NAME'S AURORA AND SHE'S ITALIAN
92 AND SHE PRONOUNCES MY NAME "CHAND-LER."
93 "CHAND-LER."
94 I LIKE IT BETTER THAT WAY.
95 THE USHER GAVE ME THIS TO GIVE TO YOU.
96 "ESTELLE LEONARD TALENT AGENCY."
97 AN AGENCY LEFT ME ITS CARD.
98 MAYBE THEY WANT TO SIGN ME.
99 BASED ON THIS PLAY?
100 BASED ON THIS PLAY.
101 HEY, KIDS.
102 HI, CHANDLER.
103 THIS LINE IS PASSION.
104 AND THIS IS JUST A LINE.
105 I'VE BEEN HERE SEVEN SECONDS
106 AND YOU HAVEN'T ASKED ABOUT MY DATE.
107 HOW WAS YOUR DATE, CHAND-LER?
108 IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
109 I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE HER.
110 SHE'S HAD THE MOST AMAZING LIFE.
111 SHE WAS IN THE ISRAELI ARMY...
112 LUCKILY, NONE OF THE BULLETS HIT THE ENGINE BLOCK.
113 SO, WE MADE IT TO THE BORDER
114 BUT JUST BARELY, AND I...
115 I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT MYSELF ALL NIGHT LONG.
116 I'M SORRY.
117 WHAT ABOUT YOU?
118 TELL ME ONE OF YOUR STORIES.
119 ALL RIGHT, ONCE...
120 ONCE I GOT ON THE SUBWAY, RIGHT?
121 AND IT WAS AT NIGHT
122 AND I RODE IT ALL THE WAY TO BROOKLYN
123 JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.
124 WE TALKED TILL 2:00.
125 IT WAS THIS PERFECT EVENING...
126 MORE OR LESS.
127 ALL OF SUDDEN, WE REALIZE WE'RE IN YEMEN.
128 I'M SORRY. SO WE IS?
129 WE WOULD BE ME AND RICK.
130 WHO'S RICK?
131 WHO'S RICK?
132 MY HUSBAND.
133 EW! EW! EW!
134 OH, SO YOU'RE DIVORCED?
135 NO.
136 OH, I'M SORRY.
137 SO YOU'RE WIDOWED... HOPEFULLY?
138 NO, I'M STILL MARRIED.
139 SO, TELL ME, HOW DO YOU THINK
140 YOUR HUSBAND WOULD FEEL ABOUT YOU SITTING HERE WITH ME
141 SLIDING YOUR FOOT SO FAR UP MY PANT LEG
142 YOU CAN COUNT THE CHANGE
143 IN MY POCKET?
144 DON'T WORRY. I IMAGINE
145 HE'D BE OKAY WITH YOU
146 BECAUSE REALLY HE'S OKAY
147 WITH ETHAN.
148 ETHAN?
149 THERE'S AN ETHAN?
150 ETHAN IS MY...
151 BOYFRIEND.
152 All: WHAT?!
153 EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO ME.
154 WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU IMAGINE US HAVING
155 IF YOU ALREADY HAVE A HUSBAND AND A BOYFRIEND?
156 I SUPPOSE MAINLY SEXUAL.
157 HUH.
158 I'M SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
159 WHAT NOT WORK OUT?
160 I'M SEEING HER ON THURSDAY.
161 DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO THE STORY?
162 DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO THE STORY?
163 THIS IS TWISTED.
164 HOW COULD YOU GET INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN LIKE THIS?
165 I HAD TROUBLE WITH IT AT FIRST TOO
166 BUT I GET ALL THE GOOD STUFF.
167 ALL THE FUN, ALL THE TALKING, ALL THE SEX
168 AND NONE OF THE RESPONSIBILITY.
169 THIS IS EVERY GUY'S FANTASY.
170 THAT IS NOT TRUE.
171 ROSS, IS THIS YOUR FANTASY?
172 OF COURSE NOT.
173 YEAH. YEAH, IT IS.
174 SO YOU DON'T MIND GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE
175 WHO'S GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE?
176 I COULDN'T DO IT.
177 GOOD FOR YOU, JOEY.
178 I NEED TO KNOW THAT I'M GOING OUT
179 WITH MORE PEOPLE THAN SHE IS.
180 WELL, YOU KNOW
181 MONOGAMY CAN BE A TRICKY CONCEPT.
182 I MEAN, ANTHROPOLOGICALLY SPEAKING...
183 ( all snoring )
184 FINE, FINE. NOW YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.
185 WE'RE KIDDING. GO. TELL US.
186 Joey: COME ON, ROSS.
187 ALL RIGHT.
188 THERE'S A THEORY PUT FORTH BY RICHARD LEAKEY...
189 ( all snoring )
190 TA-DA!
191 ARE WE GREETING EACH OTHER THIS WAY NOW
192 BECAUSE I LIKE THAT.
193 LOOK.
194 I CLEANED! I DID THE WINDOWS.
195 I EVEN USED ALL THOSE
196 VACUUM ATTACHMENTS
197 EXCEPT FOR THAT LITTLE ROUND ONE
198 WITH THE BRISTLES.
199 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT'S FOR.
200 NOBODY KNOWS. WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK.
201 WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
202 VERY CLEAN.
203 REALLY, IT LOOKS GREAT.
204 OH, I SEE YOU MOVED THE GREEN OTTOMAN.
205 UH-OH. UH-OH. UH-OH.
206 HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
207 I DON'T KNOW.
208 I THOUGHT IT LOOKED BETTER THERE.
209 AND ALSO IT'S AN EXTRA SEAT AROUND THE COFFEE TABLE.
210 IT'S INTERESTING.
211 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST FOR FUN
212 LET'S SEE WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE IN THE OLD SPOT.
213 JUST TO COMPARE.
214 LET'S SEE.
215 WELL, IT LOOKS GOOD THERE TOO.
216 LET'S JUST LEAVE IT THERE FOR A WHILE.
217 CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TRIED TO MOVE THE GREEN OTTOMAN.
218 THANK GOD YOU DIDN'T TRY
219 AND FAN OUT THE MAGAZINES.
220 SHE'LL SCRATCH YOUR EYES RIGHT OUT.
221 GUYS, I AM NOT THAT BAD.
222 YEAH, YOU ARE, MONICA.
223 REMEMBER WHEN I LIVED WITH YOU?
224 YOU WERE LIKE A LITTLE...
225 ( imitates music fromPsycho)
226 THAT IS SO UNFAIR.
227 OH, COME ON. WHEN WE WERE KIDS
228 YOURS WAS THE ONLY RAGGEDY ANN DOLL
229 THAT WASN'T RAGGEDY.
230 OKAY, SO I'M RESPONSIBLE.
231 I'M ORGANIZED.
232 BUT, HEY, I CAN BE A KOOK.
233 ALL RIGHT, YOU MADCAP GAL.
234 TRY TO IMAGINE THIS.
235 THE PHONE BILL ARRIVES
236 BUT YOU DON'T PAY IT RIGHT AWAY.
237 WHY NOT?
238 BECAUSE YOU'RE A KOOK.
239 INSTEAD, YOU WAIT UNTIL THEY SEND YOU A NOTICE.
240 I COULD DO THAT.
241 OKAY, THEN YOU LET ME GO GROCERY SHOPPING
242 AND I BUY LAUNDRY DETERGENT
243 BUT IT'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE EASY-POUR SPOUT.
244 WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
245 ONE MIGHT WONDER.
246 SOMEONE'S LEFT
247 A GLASS ON THE COFFEE TABLE.
248 THERE'S NO COASTER.
249 IT'S A COLD DRINK, IT'S A HOT DAY.
250 BEADS OF CONDENSATION ARE INCHING
251 THEIR WAY CLOSER
252 TO THE SURFACE OF THE WOOD.
253 STOP IT!
254 OH, MY GOD.
255 IT'S TRUE.
256 WHO AM I?
257 MONICA, YOU'RE MOM.
258 ( gasps )
259 ( imitates Psycho music )
260 UH-HUH.
261 OH, MY GOD!
262 OKAY.
263 OKAY, I'LL BE THERE.
264 THAT WAS MY AGENT.
265 MY AGENT HAS JUST GOTTEN ME A JOB...
266 IN THE NEW AL PACINO MOVIE!
267 WHAT? YOU'RE KIDDING.
268 THAT'S GREAT!
269 WHAT'S THE PART?
270 CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
271 AL PACINO!
272 THIS GUY'S THE REASON I BECAME AN ACTOR.
273 "I'M OUT OF ORDER?
274 "YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER.
275 THIS WHOLE COURTROOM'S OUT OF ORDER."
276 SERIOUSLY, WHAT'S THE PART?
277 "JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT
278 THEY PULL ME BACK IN."
279 SERIOUSLY, JOEY, WHAT'S THE PART?
280 UH...
281 ( mumbles )
282 YOU'RE ( mumbles ) WHAT?
283 I'M HIS BUTT DOUBLE, OKAY?
284 I PLAY AL PACINO'S BUTT.
285 HE GOES INTO THE SHOWER
286 AND THEN I'M HIS BUTT.
287 OH, MY GOD.
288 COME ON, YOU GUYS.
289 THIS IS A REAL MOVIE, AND AL PACINO'S IN IT
290 AND THAT'S BIG.
291 OH, NO, IT'S TERRIFIC.
292 YOU DESERVE THIS.
293 AFTER YEARS OF STRUGGLE
294 YOU'VE FINALLY CRACKED YOUR WAY
295 INTO SHOW BUSINESS.
296 OKAY, FINE, MAKE JOKES.
297 I DON'T CARE.
298 THIS IS A BIG BREAK FOR ME.
299 YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS.
300 SO, YOU GOING TO INVITE US ALL TO THE BIG OPENING?
301 ( knocking at door )
302 YEAH?
303 HERE. I NEED TO BORROW SOME MOISTURIZER.
304 FOR WHAT?
305 WHAT DO YOU THINK?
306 TODAY'S THE BIG DAY.
307 GO INTO THE BATHROOM, USE WHATEVER YOU WANT.
308 JUST DON'T EVER TELL ME WHAT YOU DID IN THERE.
309 THANK YOU.
310 WHERE'S JOEY? HIS MOM'S ON THE PHONE.
311 HE'S IN THE BATHROOM.
312 YOU DON'T WANT TO GO IN THERE.
313 OH, COME ON. WE'RE ROOMMATES.
314 ( screaming )
315 MY EYES!
316 WHO IS BEING LOUD?
317 THAT'D BE MONICA.
318 CAN I BORROW
319 A COUPLE THINGS?
320 I'M MAKING BREAKFAST FOR AURORA.
321 YOU GOT THE WHOLE NIGHT, HUH?
322 WELL, I ONLY HAVE 20 MINUTES TILL ETHAN, SO...
323 DO I SENSE A LITTLE BIT OF RESENTMENT?
324 NO, NO, NO RESENTMENT.
325 BELIEVE ME, IT'S WORTH IT.
326 YOU KNOW HOW IN A RELATIONSHIP
327 YOU HAVE KEY MOMENTS THAT YOU KNOW YOU'LL REMEMBER FOREVER?
328 WELL, EVERY... SINGLE... SECOND IS LIKE THAT WITH AURORA.
329 AND I'VE JUST WASTED 35 OF THEM TALKING TO YOU PEOPLE.
330 SO, UH, MONICA, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THE DOOR?
331 SURE.
332 UH, CHANDLER, YOU KNOW
333 THE OLD MONICA WOULD REMIND YOU
334 TO SCRUB THAT TEFLON PAN WITH A PLASTIC BRUSH.
335 I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
336 OKAY, EVERYBODY READY?
337 I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THIS GREAT OPPORTUNITY.
338 LOSE THE ROBE.
339 ME?
340 THAT WOULD WORK.
341 OKAY. LOSING THE ROBE.
342 OKAY. AND THE ROBE IS LOST.
343 OKAY, EVERYBODY, I'D LIKE TO GET THIS
344 IN ONE TAKE, PLEASE.
345 LET'S ROLL IT.
346 WATER'S WORKING.
347 AND... ACTION.
348 AND... CUT.
349 HEY, BUTT-GUY, WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING?
350 WELL... I'M SHOWERING.
351 NO. THAT WAS "CLENCHING."
352 WELL, THE WAY I SEE IT, THE GUY'S UPSET, YOU KNOW?
353 I MEAN, HIS WIFE'S DEAD, HIS BROTHER'S MISSING.
354 I THINK HIS BUTT WOULD BE ANGRY HERE.
355 I THINK HIS BUTT
356 WOULD LIKE TO GET THIS SHOT BEFORE LUNCH.
357 ONCE AGAIN, ROLLING.
358 WATER WORKING.
359 AND... ACTION.
360 AND... CUT.
361 WHAT WAS THAT?
362 I WAS GOING FOR QUIET DESPERATION.
363 BUT IF YOU HAVE TO ASK...
364 GOD, I LOVE THESE FINGERS.
365 THANK YOU.
366 NO, ACTUALLY I MEANT MY FINGERS.
367 LOOK AT THEM.
368 LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY ARE.
369 OH... OH, MY GOD, I'M LATE.
370 NO, NO, NO, NO.
371 DON'T GO, DON'T GO.
372 OKAY, OKAY.
373 DON'T GO, DON'T GO.
374 NO, I HAVE TO.
375 LOOK AT THAT-- SHE'S LEAVING.
376 I'M SORRY. HE'LL BE WAITING FOR ME.
377 WELL, I THOUGHT YOU TALKED TO RICK.
378 IT'S... NOT RICK.
379 ETHAN SPENT THE WHOLE DAY WITH YOU.
380 NO, IT'S... IT'S ANDREW.
381 I KNOW THERE'LL BE MANY MOMENTS IN YEARS TO COME
382 WHEN I'LL REGRET ASKING THE FOLLOWING QUESTION, BUT...
383 AND ANDREW IS..?
384 HE'S... NEW.
385 SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
386 IS YOU'RE NOT COMPLETELY FULFILLED
387 BY RICK, ETHAN AND MYSELF?
388 THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT...
389 MOST WOMEN WOULD KILL FOR THREE GUYS LIKE US.
390 SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?
391 YOU.
392 YOU HAVE ME.
393 NO, NO, JUST YOU.
394 WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
395 LOSE THE OTHER GUYS.
396 LIKE... ALL OF THEM?
397 COME ON, WE'RE GREAT TOGETHER!
398 WHY NOT?
399 WHY CAN'T WE JUST HAVE WHAT WE HAVE NOW--
400 JUST TALK AND LAUGH AND MAKE LOVE
401 WITHOUT FEELING OBLIGATED TO ONE ANOTHER?
402 AND UP UNTIL TONIGHT
403 I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED TOO.
404 YOU KNOW, PART OF ME WANTS THAT
405 BUT IT'S LIKE I'M TWO GUYS, YOU KNOW?
406 ONE GUY'S SAYING, "SHUT UP! THIS IS GREAT!"
407 BUT THERE'S THIS OTHER GUY--
408 ACTUALLY IT'S THE GUY WHO WELLS UP
409 EVERY TIME THE GRINCH'S HEART GROWS THREE SIZES
410 AND BREAKS THAT MEASURING DEVICE?--
411 AND HE'S SAYING, YOU KNOW
412 "THIS IS TOO HARD! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
413 SO WHICH ONE OF THE TWO GUYS WILL YOU LISTEN TO?
414 I DON'T KNOW.
415 I HAVE TO LISTEN TO BOTH OF THEM.
416 THEY DON'T EXACTLY
417 LET EACH OTHER FINISH.
418 WHICH ONE?
419 THE SECOND GUY.
420 I SEE.
421 WELL...
422 CALL ME IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.
423 SORRY. THE FIRST GUY RUNS THE LIPS.
424 ( sighs )
425 LOOK AT IT THIS WAY-- YOU DUMPED HER.
426 RIGHT? THIS WOMAN WAS UNBELIEVABLY SEXY
427 AND BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, UNATTAINABLE...
428 TELL ME WHY YOU DID THIS AGAIN?
429 HEY, MOVIE STAR.
430 HEY, WEREN'T YOU THE GUY WHO PLAYS THE BUTT
431 IN THE NEW AL PACINO MOVIE?
432 NOPE.
433 NO? WHAT HAPPENED, BIG GUY?
434 "BIG GUY"?
435 IT FELT LIKE A "BIG GUY" MOMENT.
436 I GOT FIRED.
437 OH...
438 THEY SAID I "ACTED" TOO MUCH
439 WITH IT.
440 I TOLD EVERYBODY ABOUT THIS.
441 EVERYONE WILL GO EXPECTING TO SEE ME...
442 JOE, NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO TELL.
443 MY MOM WILL.
444 THERE'S SOMETHING SO SWEET...
445 AND DISTURBING ABOUT THAT.
446 YOU KNOW, I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT CRAPPY PLAYS FOR SIX YEARS
447 AND I FINALLY GET MY SHOT, AND I BLOW IT!
448 MAYBE THIS WASN'T YOUR SHOT.
449 YEAH. I THINK WHEN IT'S YOUR SHOT
450 YOU KNOW IT'S YOUR SHOT.
451 DID... DID IT FEEL LIKE YOUR SHOT?
452 HARD TO TELL.
453 I WAS NAKED.
454 I DON'T THINK THIS WAS YOUR SHOT.
455 YOU DON'T GET JUST ONE SHOT.
456 I BELIEVE BIG THINGS WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU.
457 YOU'VE GOT TO JUST KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE DAY
458 THAT SOME KID WILL RUN UP TO HIS FRIENDS AND GO
459 "I GOT THE PART!
460 I'M GOING TO BE JOEY TRIBBIANI'S ASS!"
461 YOU THINK? THAT'S SO NICE!
462 OH...
463 I'M SORRY, JOEY.
464 I'M GOING TO GO TO BED, GUYS.
465 GOOD NIGHT, MONICA.
466 YOU'RE LEAVING YOUR SHOES OUT HERE?
467 OH.
468 UH-HUH.
469 REALLY? JUST CASUALLY STREWN ABOUT
470 IN THAT RECKLESS HAPHAZARD MANNER?
471 IT DOESN'T MATTER.
472 I'LL GET THEM TOMORROW... OR NOT.
473 WHENEVER.
474 SHE IS A KOOK.
475 Monica: MM-HMM.
476 THEY'RE ONLY SHOES.
477 IF IT BOTHERS YOU THAT MUCH, JUST GO OUT AND GET THEM.
478 NO. DON'T DO THIS.
479 THIS IS STUPID!
480 I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING.
481 I'M GOING TO GO GET THEM.
482 BUT THEN EVERYONE WILL KNOW.
483 UNLESS I WAKE UP REALLY EARLY AND PUT THEM BACK.
484 I NEED HELP.
485 [Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]
486

S01E07

1 EVERYBODY? SHH, SHH.
2 CENTRAL PERK IS PROUD TO PRESENT
3 THE MUSIC OF MISS PHOEBE BUFFAY!
4 HI. I WANT TO START WITH A SONG THAT'S ABOUT THAT MOMENT
5 WHEN YOU SUDDENLY REALIZE WHAT LIFE IS REALLY ALL ABOUT.
6 OKAY. HERE WE GO.
7 OKAY.
8 THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
9 WHAT THE..?
10 OH, GREAT.
11 THIS IS JUST...
12 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
13 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
14 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
15 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
16 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
17 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
18 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
19 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
20 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
21 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
22 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
23 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
24 WOW, THIS IS SO COOL.
25 THE ENTIRE CITY IS BLACKED OUT.
26 MOM SAYS IT'S ALL OF MANHATTAN,
27 PARTS OF BROOKLYN AND QUEENS, AND THEY HAVE NO IDEA
28 WHEN IT'S COMING BACK ON.
29 WOW. YOU GUYS, THIS IS BIG.
30 PANTS AND A SWEATER? WHY, MOM?
31 WHO AM I GOING TO MEET IN A BLACKOUT--
32 POWER COMPANY GUYS? ELIGIBLE LOOTERS?
33 CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?
34 OKAY.
35 CAN I BORROW THE PHONE?
36 I WANT TO CALL MY APARTMENT
37 AND CHECK ON MY GRANDMA.
38 SURE.
39 WHAT'S MY NUMBER?
40 WELL, I NEVER CALL ME.
41 OH, MY GOD. IT'S HER.
42 IT'S THAT VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL--
43 SOMETHING "GOODACRE."
44 HI, MOM. IT'S JILL.
45 SHE'S RIGHT. IT'S JILL, JILL GOODACRE.
46 OH, MY GOD.
47 I AM TRAPPED IN AN A.T.M. VESTIBULE
48 WITH JILL GOODACRE.
49 IS IT A VESTIBULE?
50 MAYBE IT'S AN ATRIUM.
51 YEAH. THAT IS THE PART TO FOCUS ON, YOU IDIOT.
52 YEAH, I'M FINE.
53 I'M STUCK AT THE BANK IN AN A.T.M. VESTIBULE.
54 JILL SAYS "VESTIBULE."
55 I'M GOING WITH "VESTIBULE."
56 I'M FINE.
57 NO, I'M NOT ALONE.
58 I DON'T KNOW.
59 SOME GUY.
60 OH! "SOME GUY."
61 I AM "SOME GUY."
62 "HEY, JILL, I SAW YOU WITH SOME GUY LAST NIGHT.
63 YES. HE WAS SOME GUY."
64 HI, EVERYONE.
65 AND OFFICIATING AT TONIGHT'S BLACKOUT
66 IS RABBI TRIBBIANI.
67 WELL, CHANDLER'S OLD ROOMMATE WAS JEWISH,
68 AND THESE ARE OUR ONLY CANDLES.
69 SO, HAPPY HANUKKAH, EVERYONE.
70 EWW, LOOK. UGLY NAKED GUY
71 LIT A BUNCH OF CANDLES.
72 OOH... OOH...
73 All: OOH!
74 OH, THAT HAD TO HURT!
75 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
76 IT'S BEEN 14 1/2 MINUTES
77 AND YOU STILL HAVE NOT SAID ONE WORD.
78 OH, GOD. DO SOMETHING.
79 JUST MAKE CONTACT. SMILE.
80 THERE YOU GO.
81 YOU'RE DEFINITELY SCARING HER.
82 UH, WOULD YOU LIKE TO CALL SOMEBODY?
83 YEAH. ABOUT 300 GUYS I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH.
84 YEAH, THANKS.
85 ( ringing )
86 HELLO.
87 HEY, IT'S ME.
88 IT'S CHANDLER.
89 ARE YOU OKAY?
90 YEAH, I'M FINE.
91 ( mumbling ): I'M STUCK IN AN A.T.M. VESTIBULE
92 WITH JILL GOODACRE.
93 WHAT?!
94 ( mumbling ): I'M STUCK IN AN A.T.M. VESTIBULE
95 WITH JILL GOODACRE.
96 I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU SAID.
97 PUT JOEY ON THE PHONE.
98 WHAT'S UP, MAN?
99 ( mumbling ): I'M STUCK...
100 IN AN A.T.M. VESTIBULE
101 WITH JILL GOODACRE.
102 OH, MY GOD!
103 HE'S TRAPPED IN AN A.T.M. VESTIBULE
104 WITH JILL GOODACRE!
105 CHANDLER, LISTEN, LISTEN!
106 ( mumbling )
107 YEAH, LIKE THAT THOUGHT NEVER ENTERED MY MIND.
108 Rachel: OKAY, SOMEBODY, SOMEBODY.
109 I'LL GO, I'LL GO.
110 SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE ON A POOL TABLE.
111 POOL TABLE! OOH-HOO!
112 THAT'S MY SISTER.
113 OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
114 MY WEIRDEST PLACE WOULD HAVE TO BE...
115 THE WOMEN'S ROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR
116 OF THE NEW YORK CITY PUBLIC LIBRARY.
117 OH, MY GOD.
118 WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN A LIBRARY?
119 HEY, PHEEBS, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
120 OH, UM, MILWAUKEE.
121 UM, ROSS?
122 DISNEYLAND, 1989--
123 "IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL."
124 NO WAY.
125 YEAH, THE RIDE BROKE DOWN
126 SO CAROL AND I WENT
127 BEHIND A COUPLE OF THOSE MECHANICAL
128 DUTCH CHILDREN.
129 THEY FIXED THE RIDE
130 AND WE WERE ASKED NEVER TO RETURN
131 TO THE MAGIC KINGDOM.
132 OOH, RACHEL?
133 COME ON, I ALREADY WENT.
134 YOU DID NOT.
135 YES, I DID.
136 COME ON.
137 ALL RIGHT, UH...
138 THE WEIRDEST PLACE WOULD HAVE TO BE
139 OH... THE FOOT OF THE BED.
140 STEP BACK.
141 WE HAVE A WINNER.
142 I'VE NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP
143 WITH THAT KIND OF PASSION
144 WHERE YOU HAVE TO HAVE SOMEBODY RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE
145 OF A THEME PARK.
146 WELL, IT WAS THE ONLY THING TO DO THERE
147 THAT DIDN'T HAVE A LINE.
148 WELL, SEE? BARRY WOULDN'T EVEN KISS ME
149 ON A MINIATURE GOLF COURSE.
150 COME ON.
151 NO.
152 HE SAID WE WERE HOLDING UP THE PEOPLE BEHIND US.
153 AND YOU DIDN'T MARRY HIM BECAUSE...
154 DO YOU THINK THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT GO THROUGH LIFE
155 NEVER HAVING THAT KIND OF..?
156 PROBABLY.
157 REALLY?
158 BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING--
159 PASSION IS WAY OVERRATED.
160 YEAH, RIGHT.
161 IT IS. EVENTUALLY, IT KIND OF BURNS OUT
162 BUT, HOPEFULLY
163 WHAT YOU'RE LEFT WITH IS TRUST AND SECURITY
164 AND, WELL, IN THE CASE
165 OF MY EX-WIFE, LESBIANISM.
166 SO FOR ALL THOSE WHO MISS OUT ON THAT PASSION THING
167 THERE'S ALL THAT OTHER GOOD STUFF.
168 OKAY.
169 BUT I DON'T THINK THAT WILL BE YOU.
170 YOU DON'T?
171 HMM.
172 SEE, I SEE, UH... BIG PASSION IN YOUR FUTURE.
173 REALLY? MM-HMM.
174 YOU DO? I DO.
175 OH, ROSS, YOU'RE SO GREAT.
176 IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
177 WHAT?
178 YOU AND RACHEL.
179 WHA... ME AND RA... WHA..?
180 WHY NOT?
181 BECAUSE YOU WAITED TOO LONG TO MAKE YOUR MOVE
182 AND NOW YOU'RE IN "THE FRIEND ZONE."
183 NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT IN THE ZONE.
184 NO. ROSS, YOU'RE MAYOR OF THE ZONE.
185 LOOK, I'M TAKING MY TIME, ALL RIGHT?
186 I'M LAYING THE GROUNDWORK.
187 YEAH, EVERY DAY, I GET JUST A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO...
188 PRIESTHOOD.
189 ROSS, I'M TELLING YOU, SHE HAS NO IDEA
190 WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
191 IF YOU DON'T ASK HER OUT SOON
192 YOU'LL END UP STUCK IN THE ZONE FOREVER.
193 I WILL, I WILL.
194 I'M JUST... SEE, I'M WAITING FOR THE, UH...
195 THE RIGHT MOMENT.
196 ( sighs )
197 WHAT?
198 WHAT? NOW?
199 DUH..!
200 WHAT'S MESSING YOU UP?
201 THE WINE, THE CANDLES, THE MOONLIGHT, HUH?
202 JUST GO UP TO HER AND SAY, "LOOK, RACHEL..."
203 SHH-SHH-SHH!
204 SHH-SHH-SHH!
205 WHAT ARE WE SHUSHING?
206 WE'RE SHUSHING BECAUSE... WE'RE TRYING TO HEAR SOMETHING.
207 WHAT?
208 SHH.
209 DON'T YOU HEAR THAT?
210 AHH!
211 SEE?
212 WOULD YOU LIKE SOME GUM?
213 OH, IS IT SUGARLESS?
214 NO. SORRY, IT'S NOT.
215 THEN, NO THANKS.
216 WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
217 IF JILL GOODACRE OFFERS YOU GUM, YOU TAKE IT.
218 IF SHE OFFERS YOU MANGLED ANIMAL CARCASS, YOU TAKE IT.
219 Phoebe: ♪ NEW YORK CITY HAS NO POWER ♪
220 ♪ AND THE MILK IS GETTING SOUR ♪
221 ♪ BUT TO ME IT IS NOT SCARY ♪
222 ♪ 'CAUSE I STAY AWAY FROM DAIRY... ♪
223 ♪ LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA-LA... ♪
224 OKAY, HERE GOES.
225 YOU GONNA DO IT? I'M GONNA DO IT.
226 WANT ME TO HELP?
227 YOU COME OUT THERE YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.
228 ROSS...
229 GOOD LUCK, MAN.
230 THANKS.
231 OKAY.
232 OKAY.
233 WHERE YOU GOING?
234 OUTSIDE.
235 YOU CAN'T GO OUT THERE.
236 WHY NOT?
237 BECAUSE OF, UH... THE REASON.
238 AND THAT WOULD BE?
239 I, UH... I CAN'T TELL YOU.
240 JOEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
241 OKAY, LISTEN, YOU GOT TO PROMISE
242 YOU'LL NEVER, EVER TELL ROSS THAT I TOLD YOU.
243 ABOUT WHAT?
244 HE'S PLANNING YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY.
245 OH, MY GOD, I LOVE HIM.
246 AND YOU BETTER ACT SURPRISED.
247 ABOUT WHAT?
248 MY SURPRISE PARTY.
249 WHAT SURPRISE PARTY?
250 OH, STOP IT.
251 JOEY ALREADY TOLD ME.
252 WELL, HE DIDN'T TELL ME.
253 HEY, DON'T LOOK AT ME.
254 THIS IS ROSS'S THING.
255 THIS IS SO TYPICAL.
256 I'M THE LAST ONE TO KNOW EVERYTHING.
257 YOU ARE NOT. WE TELL YOU STUFF.
258 YUH-HUH. I WAS THE LAST TO KNOW
259 WHEN CHANDLER GOT BIT BY THE PEACOCK AT THE ZOO.
260 LAST TO KNOW YOU HAD A CRUSH ON JOEY
261 WHEN HE WAS MOVING IN.
262 WHAT?
263 OH, LOOKS LIKE I WAS SECOND TO LAST.
264 MMM, SO NICE.
265 MM.
266 HEY, I HAVE A QUESTION.
267 WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT SO MUCH A QUESTION
268 AS MORE OF A GENERAL WONDERING... MENT.
269 OKAY.
270 OKAY.
271 UH, HERE GOES.
272 UM, WELL, FOR A WHILE NOW, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO, UM...
273 OH...
274 YES, YES.
275 OH, WOOK AT
276 THE WIDDLE KITTY.
277 WHAT?
278 ( yells )
279 ♪ ...TOP OF THE WORLD LOOKING ♪
280 ♪ DOWN ON CREATION ♪
281 ♪ AND THE ONLY EXPLANATION I CAN FIND ♪
282 ♪ IS THE LOVE THAT I'VE FOUND ♪
283 ♪ EVER SINCE YOU'VE BEEN AROUND... ♪
284 THIS IS JUST BACTINE.
285 IT WON'T HURT.
286 OW, OW.
287 SORRY. THAT WAS WAX.
288 THIS POOR LITTLE TOOTY
289 IS SCARED TO DEATH.
290 WE SHOULD FIND HIS OWNER.
291 LET'S PUT THE POOR LITTLE TOOTY IN THE HALL.
292 DURING A BLACKOUT?
293 SHE'LL GET TRAMPLED.
294 YEAH..?
295 ON SECOND THOUGHT, GUM WOULD BE PERFECTION.
296 "GUM WOULD BE PERFECTION"?
297 "GUM WOULD BE PERFECTION."
298 COULD HAVE SAID, "GUM WOULD BE NICE."
299 COULD HAVE SAID, "I'LL HAVE A STICK."
300 BUT NO, NO, NO, NO, FOR ME GUM IS PERFECTION.
301 I LOATHE MYSELF.
302 OH, NO. THE MELLMANS.
303 THEY HATE ALL LIVING THINGS.
304 ( sighs )
305 HI. WE JUST FOUND THIS CAT.
306 WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE OWNER.
307 UM, YEAH, IT'S, UH, IT'S MINE.
308 IT SEEMS TO HATE YOU.
309 ARE YOU SURE?
310 YEAH. GIVE ME MY CAT.
311 WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
312 WHAT'S HIS NAME?
313 UM, BU-- BUTTONS.
314 BOB BUTTONS?
315 UH-HUH. BOB BUTTONS.
316 OHH!
317 YOU ARE A VERY BAD MAN.
318 YOU OWE ME A CAT.
319 HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.
320 HERE, KITTY, KITTY.
321 WHERE DID YOU GO, LITTLE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY?
322 ( making kissing noises )
323 KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.
324 COME HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY
325 KITTY... KITTY... KITTY... KITTY...
326 KITTY...
327 HI.
328 BENE SERA.
329 OH, WOW.
330 COME ON, LUCKY SIXES.
331 EVERYBODY?
332 THIS IS PAOLO.
333 PAOLO, I WANT YOU
334 TO MEET MY FRIENDS.
335 THIS IS MONICA.
336 HI.
337 AND JOEY.
338 HI.
339 AND ROSS.
340 HI.
341 ( speaking Italian )
342 HE DOESN'T SPEAK MUCH ENGLISH.
343 MONOPOLY.
344 ( laughing )
345 LOOK AT THAT.
346 SO, UH...
347 WHERE DID, UH, PAOLO COME FROM?
348 UH, ITALY, I THINK.
349 NO, I MEAN TONIGHT, IN THE BUILDING...
350 SUDDENLY INTO OUR LIVES.
351 WELL, THAT CAT.
352 THE CAT TURNED OUT TO BE PAOLO'S CAT.
353 ISN'T THAT FUNNY?
354 HA!
355 THAT-- THAT IS FUNNY
356 AND RACHEL KEEPS TOUCHING HIM.
357 I LOOKED ALL OVER THE BUILDING
358 AND I COULDN'T FIND THE KITTY ANYWHERE.
359 I FOUND HIM. IT WAS PAOLO'S CAT.
360 AH, WELL, THERE YOU GO-- LAST TO KNOW AGAIN.
361 AND I'M GUESSING SINCE NOBODY TOLD ME
362 THIS IS PAOLO.
363 OH, PAOLO.
364 THIS IS PHOEBE.
365 HI.
366 ( speaking Italian )
367 YOU BETCHA.
368 ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
369 WHAT NEXT?
370 BLOW A BUBBLE.
371 A BUBBLE'S GOOD.
372 IT'S GOT A BOYISH CHARM.
373 IT'S IMPISH.
374 HERE WE GO.
375 NICE GOING, IMP.
376 OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
377 ALL I NEED TO DO IS
378 REACH OVER AND PUT IT BACK
379 IN MY MOUTH.
380 GOOD SAVE.
381 WE'RE BACK ON TRACK, AND I'M...
382 CHEWING SOMEONE ELSE'S GUM.
383 GOD! OH, THIS IS NOT MY GUM!
384 OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
385 AND NOW YOU'RE CHOKING.
386 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
387 OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE CHOKING!
388 ( groaning )
389 BETTER?
390 YES.
391 THANK YOU. THAT WAS...
392 THAT WAS...
393 PERFECTION?
394 ( speaking Italian )
395 BLAH-BLAH-BLAH- BLAH-BLAH.
396 BLAH-BLAH-BLAH- BLAH-BLAH-BLAH.
397 BL-BL-BL-BL-BLAH.
398 HEY, WHAT DID HE SAY THAT WAS SO FUNNY?
399 I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.
400 THAT'S, THAT'S CLASSIC.
401 MY GOD, YOU GUYS, WHAT AM I DOING?
402 THIS IS SO UN-ME.
403 IF YOU WANT, I'LL DO IT.
404 I KNOW.
405 I JUST WANT TO BITE HIS BOTTOM LIP.
406 BUT I WON'T.
407 WHEN HE FIRST SMILED
408 THOSE THREE SECONDS WERE MORE EXCITING
409 THAN THREE WEEKS IN BERMUDA WITH BARRY.
410 DID YOU RENT MOPEDS?
411 'CAUSE I'VE HEARD...
412 IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. OKAY.
413 I KNOW IT'S TOTALLY SUPERFICIAL AND WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON
414 AND WE DON'T EVEN SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE
415 BUT, GOD!
416 PAOLO, HI.
417 ROSS.
418 LISTEN, UH...
419 LISTEN, UM, SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW.
420 UH, RACHEL AND I ARE...
421 WE'RE KIND OF A...
422 KIND OF A THING.
423 THING?
424 THING. YES, THING.
425 YOU HAVE THE SEX.
426 NO.
427 NO, NO, UM...
428 TECHNICALLY THE, THE SEX IS NOT BEING HAD
429 BUT THAT'S, UH...
430 SEE, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
431 SEE, UM, THE POINT IS, UH...
432 WELL, RACHEL AND I SHOULD BE, UH...
433 WELL, RACHEL AND I SHOULD BE TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?
434 AND IF YOU GET IN THE, UM...
435 IN BED.
436 NO.
437 ( laughs )
438 NO, NOT WHERE I WAS GOING.
439 UH, IF YOU GET IN THE WAY...
440 WAY OF US BECOMING A THING
441 THEN, UH, I WOULD BE, WELL, VERY SAD.
442 OH, OH.
443 SO DO YOU, UM...
444 CEVICHE?
445 SI, SI.
446 SI?
447 SI.
448 OKAY.
449 SO YOU, UH... YOU DO KNOW A LITTLE ENGLISH.
450 POCO. LITTLE.
451 DO YOU KNOW THE WORD "CRAPWEASEL"?
452 NO.
453 NO? THAT'S FUNNY
454 'CAUSE YOU ARE A HUGE CRAPWEASEL.
455 GRAZIE.
456 CHANDLER, WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR AN HOUR.
457 NOW WATCH.
458 OKAY.
459 READY?
460 MM-HMM.
461 OKAY, NOW TRY IT.
462 NO, WHIP IT.
463 OH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
464 THE LAST CANDLE'S ABOUT TO BURN OUT.
465 TEN, NINE
466 EIGHT, SEVEN...
467 MINUS 46, MINUS 47
468 MINUS 48...
469 ( blowing )
470 Ross: THANK YOU. Monica: THANKS.
471 Ross: KIND OF SPOOKY WITHOUT ANY LIGHTS.
472 Joey: MWAAAHH! HA-HA-HA!
473 Monica: MWAAAHH! HA-HA-HA!
474 Ross: GUYS, GUYS, I HAVE THE DEFINITIVE ONE.
475 BWAAAAA!
476 HA-HA..!
477 ( groaning )
478 UH, ROSS,
479 THIS PROBABLY ISN'T THE BEST TIME
480 TO BRING IT UP
481 BUT YOU HAVE TO THROW A PARTY FOR MONICA.
482 WELL, THIS HAS BEEN FUN.
483 YES, AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME USE YOUR PHONE
484 AND FOR SAVING MY LIFE.
485 WELL, GOOD-BYE, CHANDLER.
486 I HAD A GREAT BLACKOUT.
487 SEE YA.
488 HI.
489 I'M ACCOUNT NUMBER 7143457
490 AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GOT ANY OF THAT
491 BUT I WOULD REALLY LIKE A COPY OF THE TAPE.
492

S01E08

1 HEY, GORGEOUS. HOW'S IT GOING?
2 DEHYDRATED JAPANESE NOODLES UNDER FLUORESCENT LIGHTS.
3 DOES IT GET BETTER THAN THIS?
4 YOU'RE NOT DATING ANYBODY, ARE YOU?
5 I MET SOMEBODY WHO WOULD BE PERFECT FOR YOU.
6 AH. YOU SEE, "PERFECT" MIGHT BE A PROBLEM.
7 HAD YOU SAID "CO-DEPENDENT" OR "SELF-DESTRUCTIVE"...
8 DO YOU WANT A DATE SATURDAY?
9 YES, PLEASE.
10 OKAY. HE IS CUTE
11 HE'S FUNNY, HE'S...
12 HE'S A HE?
13 WELL, YEAH.
14 OH, GOD.
15 I JUST... I THOUGHT...
16 YOU'RE NOT. SO.
17 GOOD, SHELLY. OKAY.
18 I'M JUST GOING TO GO FLUSH MYSELF DOWN THE TOILET NOW.
19 OKAY. BYE-BYE.
20 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
21 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
22 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
23 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
24 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
25 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
26 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
27 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
28 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
29 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
30 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
31 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
32 Chandler: I MEAN, IS THAT RIDICULOUS?
33 CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT?
34 UM...
35 YEAH.
36 WELL, I MEAN, WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,
37 YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT MAYBE... POSSIBLY YOU MIGHT BE.
38 YOU DID?
39 YEAH. THEN YOU SPENT
40 PHOEBE'S ENTIRE BIRTHDAY PARTY
41 TALKING TO MY BREASTS
42 SO THEN I FIGURED MAYBE NOT.
43 DID ANY OF THE REST OF YOU GUYS THINK THAT
44 WHEN YOU FIRST MET ME?
45 I DID.
46 YEAH. I THINK SO.
47 NOT ME.
48 NO, NO. ME NEITHER.
49 ALTHOUGH, UH,
50 YOU KNOW, BACK IN COLLEGE, SUSAN SALIDOR DID.
51 YOU'RE KIDDING.
52 DID YOU TELL HER I WASN'T?
53 NO.
54 WELL, IT'S JUST 'CAUSE
55 I KIND OF WANTED TO GO OUT WITH HER TOO
56 SO I TOLD HER, ACTUALLY YOU WERE SEEING BERNIE SPELLMAN
57 WHO ALSO LIKED HER, SO...
58 WELL, THIS IS FASCINATING.
59 SO, UH, WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME?
60 I DON'T KNOW.
61 'CAUSE YOU'RE SMART, YOU'RE FUNNY...
62 SO IS ROSS. YOU THINK THAT ABOUT HIM?
63 YEAH! RIGHT!
64 WHAT IS IT?!
65 ( laughing )
66 OKAY, I DON'T KNOW.
67 YOU JUST... HAVE A QUALITY.
68 YES. EXACTLY.
69 YEAH. A QUALITY.
70 "A QUALITY." GOOD.
71 BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED
72 YOU WERE GOING TO BE VAGUE ABOUT THIS.
73 ( phone rings )
74 HELLO?
75 HELLO?
76 OH. RACHEL.
77 IT'S PAOLO CALLING FROM ROME.
78 OH, MY GOD.
79 HE'S CALLING FROM ROME!
80 BUON GIORNO, CARO MIO.
81 SO HE'S CALLING FROM ROME.
82 I COULD DO THAT.
83 YOU JUST GOTTA GO TO ROME.
84 MONICA, YOUR DAD JUST BEEPED IN
85 BUT CAN YOU MAKE IT QUICK 'CAUSE I'M TALKING TO ROME.
86 I'M TALKING TO ROME.
87 HEY, DAD.
88 WHAT'S UP?
89 OH, GOD.
90 ROSS. IT'S NANA.
91 HEY.
92 OH, HI.
93 OH, ROSS.
94 HEY, DAD.
95 SO, UH...
96 HOW'S SHE DOING?
97 THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S A MATTER OF HOURS.
98 HOW ARE YOU, MOM?
99 ME? I'M FINE. FINE.
100 I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
101 WHAT'S WITH YOUR HAIR?
102 WHAT?
103 WHAT'S DIFFERENT?
104 NOTHING.
105 OH. MAYBE THAT'S IT.
106 SHE'S UNBELIEVABLE! HER MOTHER IS...
107 RELAX, RELAX.
108 OKAY, WE ARE GOING TO BE HERE FOR A WHILE
109 IT LOOKS LIKE
110 AND WE STILL HAVE BOYFRIENDS
111 AND YOUR CAREER TO COVER.
112 OH, GOD.
113 ...THE FUZZY LITTLE MINTS
114 AT THE BOTTOM OF HER PURSE.
115 OH! YEAH. THEY WERE GROSS.
116 OH! YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?
117 HER SWEET 'N LOWs--
118 HOW SHE WAS ALWAYS STEALING THEM FROM RESTAURANTS.
119 NOT JUST RESTAURANTS--
120 FROM OUR HOUSE.
121 MRS. GELLER?
122 Ross: SHE LOOKS SO SMALL.
123 I KNOW.
124 AT LEAST SHE'S WITH POP-POP
125 AND AUNT PHYLLIS NOW.
126 YES.
127 GOOD-BYE, NANA.
128 BYE, NANA. ( groans )
129 ( yells ) ( screams )
130 ROSS!
131 WHAT IS GOING ON?
132 YOU KNOW HOW THE NURSE SAID THAT NANA HAD PASSED?
133 WELL, SHE'S NOT QUITE.
134 WHAT?
135 SHE'S NOT PASSED.
136 SHE'S PRESENT.
137 SHE'S BACK.
138 WHAT'S GOING ON?
139 SHE MAY HAVE DIED.
140 SHE MAY HAVE DIED?
141 WE'RE LOOKING INTO IT.
142 I'LL GO SEE.
143 THIS ALMOST NEVER HAPPENS.
144 NOW SHE'S PASSED.
145 I JUST HAVE TO KNOW, OKAY?
146 IS IT MY HAIR?
147 YES, CHANDLER, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.
148 IT'S YOUR HAIR.
149 YEAH. YOU HAVE HOMOSEXUAL HAIR.
150 HEY.
151 HEY.
152 HI.
153 HI.
154 SO, UM, DID SHE..?
155 TWICE.
156 TWICE?
157 OH, THAT SUCKS.
158 ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?
159 I DON'T KNOW. IT'S WEIRD.
160 I MEAN, I KNOW SHE'S GONE
161 BUT I JUST DON'T FEEL, UH...
162 MAYBE SHE'S NOT REALLY GONE.
163 NO, NO. SHE'S GONE.
164 WE CHECKED.
165 A LOT.
166 NO, I MEAN, MAYBE NO ONE EVER REALLY GOES.
167 EVER SINCE MY MOM DIED
168 EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET THIS FEELING
169 THAT SHE'S, LIKE, RIGHT HERE, YOU KNOW?
170 OH! AND DEBBIE
171 MY BEST FRIEND FROM JUNIOR HIGH
172 GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING ON A MINIATURE GOLF COURSE.
173 I ALWAYS GET THIS REALLY STRONG "DEBBIE" VIBE
174 WHENEVER I USE ONE OF THOSE LITTLE YELLOW PENCILS
175 YOU KNOW?
176 I MISS HER.
177 OH. HERE, PHEEBS.
178 WANT THIS?
179 OH. THANKS. SURE.
180 I JUST SHARPENED HER THIS MORNING.
181 NOW, SEE, I DON'T BELIEVE ANY OF THAT.
182 I THINK WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, YOU'RE DEAD.
183 YOU'RE GONE. YOU'RE WORM FOOD.
184 SO CHANDLER LOOKS GAY, HUH?
185 YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS
186 BUT IT'S NOT DEBBIE.
187 I THOUGHT IT WAS A CLOSED CASKET.
188 WELL, THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE CAN'T LOOK NICE.
189 OH.
190 YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IN THERE?
191 I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
192 ( yells )
193 HERE'S MY RETAINER!
194 I WAS JUST THINKING
195 WHEN MY TIME COMES...
196 DAD!
197 LISTEN TO ME!
198 WHEN MY TIME COMES...
199 I WANT TO BE BURIED AT SEA.
200 YOU WHAT?
201 I WANT TO BE BURIED AT SEA.
202 IT LOOKS LIKE FUN.
203 DEFINE "FUN."
204 COME ON!
205 YOU'LL MAKE A DAY OF IT.
206 YOU'LL GET A BOAT, PACK A LUNCH...
207 AND THEN WE THROW YOUR BODY IN THE WATER.
208 GEE, THAT DOES SOUND FUN.
209 EVERYONE THINKS THEY KNOW ME.
210 EVERYONE SAYS, "JACK GELLER, SO PREDICTABLE."
211 MAYBE AFTER I'M GONE, THEY'LL SAY,
212 "BURIED AT SEA. HUH."
213 THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT THEY'LL SAY.
214 I'D LIKE THAT.
215 HEY, GORGEOUS.
216 HEY.
217 LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT YESTERDAY. I, UH...
218 DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
219 OTHER PEOPLE HAVE MADE THE SAME MISTAKE, SO...
220 OH!
221 OKAY!
222 PHEW!
223 SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS ABOUT ME?
224 I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU JUST HAVE A...
225 A QUALITY. A QUALITY. RIGHT.
226 IT'S A SHAME
227 BECAUSE YOU AND LOWELL WOULD HAVE MADE
228 A GREAT COUPLE.
229 LOWELL? FINANCIAL SERVICES LOWELL?
230 THAT'S WHO YOU SAW ME WITH?
231 WHAT? HE'S CUTE.
232 WELL, YEAH.
233 HE'S NO BRIAN IN PAYROLL.
234 IS BRIAN..?
235 NO-- I DON'T KNOW.
236 IF YOU WERE GOING TO SET ME UP
237 I'D LIKE TO THINK YOU'D SET ME UP WITH SOMEBODY LIKE HIM.
238 WELL, I THINK BRIAN'S A LITTLE
239 OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.
240 EXCUSE ME.
241 YOU DON'T THINK I COULD GET A BRIAN?
242 BECAUSE I COULD GET A BRIAN.
243 BELIEVE YOU ME.
244 I'M REALLY NOT.
245 THIS ONE?
246 NO.
247 I HAVE SHOWN YOU EVERY DRESS WE HAVE.
248 UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR MOTHER TO SPEND ETERNITY
249 IN A LEMON-YELLOW PANTSUIT, GO WITH THE BURGUNDY.
250 WHATEVER WE PICK
251 SHE WOULD HAVE TOLD US IT'S THE WRONG ONE.
252 WE'LL GO WITH THE BURGUNDY.
253 A FINE CHOICE.
254 I'M COMING OUT.
255 WAIT! WE NEED SHOES.
256 OKAY.
257 HOW ABOUT THESE?
258 THAT'S REALLY A DAY SHOE.
259 AND WHERE SHE'S GOING, EVERYONE ELSE WILL BE DRESSIER.
260 COULD WE SEE SOMETHING IN A SLIMMER HEEL?
261 OKAY. I HAVE NOTHING IN AN EVENING SHOE
262 IN THE BURGUNDY.
263 I CAN SHOW YOU SOMETHING IN A SILVER THAT MAY WORK.
264 NO. IT REALLY SHOULD BE BURGUNDY.
265 MM. UNLESS WE GO WITH A DIFFERENT DRESS.
266 YES.
267 WAIT!
268 WAIT. I MAY HAVE SOMETHING IN THE BACK.
269 AH.
270 MY GOD.
271 IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, DEAR?
272 YEAH. YEAH. JUST...
273 JUST NANA STUFF.
274 YOU GUYS READY?
275 MOM ALREADY CALLED
276 TO REMIND ME NOT TO WEAR MY HAIR UP.
277 YOU KNOW MY EARS AREN'T MY BEST FEATURE?
278 SOME DAYS IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.
279 HI. I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
280 I COULDN'T FIND MY BEARINGS.
281 OH. YOU MEAN YOUR EARRINGS?
282 WHAT DID I SAY?
283 ARE THESE THE SHOES?
284 YES. PAOLO SENT THEM FROM ITALY.
285 WHAT? WE, UH...
286 WE DON'T HAVE SHOES HERE?
287 MORNING.
288 WE READY TO GO?
289 DON'T WE LOOK NICE ALL DRESSED UP?
290 IT'S STUFF LIKE THAT, ISN'T IT?
291 IT WAS A REALLY BEAUTIFUL SERVICE.
292 IT REALLY WAS.
293 OH... COME HERE, SWEETHEART.
294 YOU KNOW...
295 I THINK IT MIGHT BE TIME FOR YOU
296 TO START USING NIGHT CREAM.
297 WHAT?
298 NOTHING-- JUST YOUR OVERCOAT
299 SOUNDS REMARKABLY LIKE BRENT MUSBURGER.
300 CHECK IT OUT. GIANTS/COWBOYS.
301 YOU'RE WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME
302 AT A FUNERAL?
303 NO, IT'S THE PREGAME.
304 I'M GOING TO WATCH IT AT THE RECEPTION.
305 YOU ARE A FRIGHTENING, FRIGHTENING MAN.
306 OH, NO!
307 MY NEW PAOLO SHOES.
308 I HOPE THEY'RE NOT RUINED.
309 GOD, WHAT A GREAT DAY.
310 WHAT? WEATHER-WISE.
311 I KNOW.
312 THE AIR, THE TREES...
313 EVEN THOUGH NANA'S GONE, THERE'S SOMETHING ALMOST...
314 I DON'T KNOW...
315 ALMOST LIFE...
316 ARE YOU OKAY?
317 ROSS!
318 I'M FINE. I'M FINE.
319 OHH.
320 I'M JUST... JUST...
321 HAVING MY WORST FEAR REALIZED.
322 OKAY, DON'T WORRY.
323 I'M CHECKING TO SEE IF THE MUSCLE'S IN SPASM.
324 HUH.
325 WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
326 YOU MISSED A BELT LOOP.
327 OH, N-N-NO.
328 OKAY, IT'S IN SPASM.
329 HERE, SWEETIE.
330 I TOOK THESE WHEN I HAD MY GOLFING ACCIDENT.
331 OH, GO.
332 SORRY.
333 HI, I'M ANDREA.
334 I'M DOROTHY'S DAUGHTER.
335 HI, I'M CHANDLER, AND...
336 I HAVE NO IDEA WHO DOROTHY IS.
337 Phoebe: HEY, LOOK WHO'S UP.
338 HEY.
339 HOW DO YOU FEEL?
340 I FEEL GREAT.
341 I FEEL GREAT.
342 I FLEEL GREAT.
343 WOW, THOSE PILLS REALLY WORKED, HUH?
344 NOT THE FIRST TWO, BUT THE SECOND TWO-- WHOO...
345 I LOVE YOU GUYS.
346 YOU GUYS ARE THE GREATEST.
347 I LOVE MY SISTER.
348 I LOVE PHEEB.
349 THAT'S SO NICE.
350 CHANDLER...
351 HEY.
352 I LOVE YOU, MAN.
353 AND LISTEN, MAN.
354 IF YOU WANT TO BE GAY, BE GAY.
355 DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.
356 YOU WERE RIGHT.
357 RACHEL.
358 RACHEL...
359 ( groans )
360 I LOVE YOU THE MOST.
361 WELL, YOU KNOW WHO I LOVE THE MOST?
362 NO.
363 YOU.
364 OHH...
365 I DON'T GET IT.
366 WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?
367 UH... JUST A, UH... HEARING DISABILITY.
368 WHAT'S THE SCORE?
369 17-14, GIANTS.
370 THREE MINUTES TO GO IN THE THIRD.
371 BEAUTIFUL.
372 ( sighs )
373 PHEEBS...
374 COULD YOU MAYBE HAND ME A CRACKER?
375 YOUR GRANDMOTHER WOULD HAVE HATED THIS.
376 WELL, SURE...
377 WHAT WITH IT BEING HER FUNERAL AND ALL.
378 NO, I'D BE HEARING ABOUT
379 "WHY DIDN'T I GET THE HONEY-GLAZED HAM?"
380 OR I DIDN'T SPEND ENOUGH ON FLOWERS.
381 IF I SPENT MORE, SHE'D BE SAYING
382 "WHY YOU WASTING YOUR MONEY?
383 I DON'T NEED FLOWERS. I'M DEAD."
384 THAT SOUNDS LIKE NANA.
385 DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GROW UP
386 WITH SOMEONE WHO IS CRITICAL OF EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAY?
387 I CAN IMAGINE.
388 I'M TELLING YOU.
389 IT'S A WONDER YOUR MOTHER TURNED OUT TO BE
390 THE POSITIVE, LIFE-AFFIRMING PERSON SHE IS.
391 THAT IS A WONDER.
392 SO, TELL ME SOMETHING, MOM.
393 IF YOU HAD TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN--
394 IF SHE WAS HERE RIGHT NOW--
395 WOULD YOU TELL HER?
396 TELL HER WHAT?
397 HOW SHE DROVE YOU CRAZY?
398 PICKING ON EVERY LITTLE DETAIL
399 LIKE... YOUR HAIR, FOR EXAMPLE.
400 I'M NOT SURE I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT.
401 DO YOU THINK THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER
402 IF YOU'D JUST TOLD HER THE TRUTH?
403 NO.
404 I THINK SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID.
405 I THINK IT'S NICER WHEN PEOPLE JUST GET ALONG.
406 HUH.
407 MORE WINE, DEAR?
408 OH, I THINK SO.
409 THOSE EARRINGS LOOK REALLY LOVELY ON YOU.
410 THANK YOU.
411 THEY'RE YOURS.
412 ACTUALLY, THEY WERE NANA'S.
413 Men: NO!
414 OH, MY GOD!
415 NOW I'M DEPRESSED.
416 EVEN MORE THAN I WAS.
417 HEY, WHO'S THIS LITTLE NAKED GUY?
418 UH, THAT LITTLE NAKED GUY WOULD BE ME.
419 AW, LOOK AT THE LITTLE THING.
420 YES.
421 YES, FINE.
422 THAT IS MY PENIS.
423 CAN WE BE GROWN-UPS NOW?
424 WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?
425 GOT ME.
426 OH, THAT'S NANA RIGHT THERE
427 IN THE MIDDLE.
428 LET'S SEE.
429 "ME AND THE GANG AT JAVA JOE'S."
430 MONICA, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HER.
431 HOW OLD WAS SHE THERE?
432 LET'S SEE...
433 1939.
434 24, 25.
435 HUH.
436 IT LOOKS LIKE A FUN GANG.
437 OOH, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
438 I GOT MONICA NAKED.
439 Monica: LET ME SEE!
440 NO, NO. THAT WOULD BE ME AGAIN.
441 I'M, UH... JUST TRYING SOMETHING.
442 HEY, LOWELL.
443 OH, HEY, CHANDLER.
444 SO, HOW'S IT GOING
445 DOWN THERE IN FINANCIAL SERVICES?
446 IT'S LIKE MARDI GRAS
447 WITHOUT THE PAPIER-MACHE HEADS.
448 HOW ABOUT YOU?
449 GOOD, GOOD.
450 LISTEN, UM...
451 I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHELLY TOLD YOU
452 ABOUT ME, BUT, UH...
453 I'M NOT.
454 I KNOW. THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER.
455 REALLY?
456 YEAH.
457 SO, YOU CAN TELL?
458 PRETTY MUCH.
459 MOST OF THE TIME.
460 WE HAVE A KIND OF... RADAR.
461 SO YOU DON'T THINK I HAVE A...
462 A QUALITY?
463 SPEAKING FOR MY PEOPLE...
464 I'D HAVE TO SAY NO.
465 BY THE WAY, YOUR FRIEND BRIAN FROM PAYROLL...
466 HE IS.
467 HE IS?
468 AND WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.
469 OUT OF MY LEAGUE?
470 I COULD GET A BRIAN.
471 IF I WANTED TO GET A BRIAN, I COULD GET A BRIAN.
472 HEY, BRIAN.
473

S01E09

1 TERRY, I KNOW THAT I HAVEN'T WORKED HERE VERY LONG
2 BUT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE
3 IF I GOT A HUNDRED-DOLLAR ADVANCE ON MY SALARY?
4 AN ADVANCE?
5 IT'S SO THAT I CAN SPEND THANKSGIVING WITH MY FAMILY.
6 SEE, EVERY YEAR WE GO SKIING IN VAIL
7 AND, NORMALLY, MY FATHER PAYS FOR MY TICKET
8 BUT I'VE SORT OF STARTED THIS WHOLE INDEPENDENT THING
9 WHICH IS ACTUALLY WHY I TOOK THIS "JOB."
10 RACHEL, RACHEL.
11 SWEETHEART.
12 YOU'RE A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE WAITRESS.
13 REALLY, REALLY AWFUL.
14 OKAY. I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
15 I'M WITH YOU.
16 UM...
17 BUT I'M TRYING REALLY HARD
18 AND I THINK I'M DOING BETTER.
19 I REALLY DO.
20 DOES ANYBODY NEED COFFEE?
21 OH, LOOK AT THAT.
22 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
23 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
24 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
25 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
26 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
27 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
28 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
29 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
30 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
31 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
32 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
33 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
34 EXCUSE ME, SIR.
35 YOU COME IN HERE ALL THE TIME.
36 I WAS JUST WONDERING--
37 COULD YOU POSSIBLY GIVE ME AN ADVANCE ON MY TIPS?
38 HUH?
39 OKAY. THAT'S FINE.
40 HEY, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT SPILL BEFORE.
41 ONLY $98.50 TO GO.
42 HEY.
43 ROSS, DID YOU KNOW THAT MOM AND DAD
44 ARE GOING TO PUERTO RICO FOR THANKSGIVING?
45 NO, THEY'RE NOT.
46 THE BLYMANS INVITED THEM.
47 YOU'RE WRONG.
48 I AM NOT WRONG.
49 YOU'RE WRONG.
50 NO. I JUST TALKED TO THEM.
51 I'M CALLING MOM.
52 HEY, HEY.
53 HEY.
54 AND THIS FROM THE CRY-FOR-HELP DEPARTMENT--
55 ARE YOU WEARING MAKEUP?
56 YES, I AM.
57 AS OF TODAY, I AM OFFICIALLY JOEY TRIBBIANI
58 ACTOR SLASH MODEL.
59 THANK YOU. THAT'S SO FUNNY
60 'CAUSE I WAS THINKING YOU LOOK MORE LIKE
61 JOEY TRIBBIANI, MAN SLASH WOMAN.
62 WHAT WERE YOU MODELING FOR?
63 YOU KNOW THOSE POSTERS FOR THE CITY FREE CLINIC?
64 WOW! SO YOU'LL BE ONE OF THOSE
65 HEALTHY, HEALTHY, HEALTHY GUYS?
66 YOU KNOW, THE ASTHMA GUY'S REALLY CUTE.
67 DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONE YOU'LL BE?
68 NO, BUT I HEAR LYME DISEASE IS OPEN, SO...
69 GOOD LUCK, MAN.
70 I HOPE YOU GET IT.
71 THANKS.
72 WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT.
73 HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO US?
74 IT'S THANKSGIVING.
75 OKAY. HOW ABOUT IF I COOK DINNER AT MY PLACE?
76 I'LL MAKE IT JUST LIKE MOM'S.
77 WILL YOU MAKE THE MASHED POTATOES
78 WITH THE LUMPS?
79 THEY'RE NOT ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO HAVE...
80 I'LL WORK ON THE LUMPS.
81 JOEY, YOU'RE GOING HOME, RIGHT?
82 YEAH.
83 AND I ASSUME, CHANDLER,
84 YOU'RE STILL BOYCOTTING ALL THE PILGRIM HOLIDAYS.
85 YES. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
86 PHOEBE, YOU'LL BE WITH YOUR GRANDMA?
87 YEAH, AND HER BOYFRIEND
88 BUT WE'RE CELEBRATING THANKSGIVING IN DECEMBER
89 'CAUSE HE'S LUNAR.
90 SO YOU'RE FREE THURSDAY, THEN?
91 YEAH.
92 OH! CAN I COME? YES.
93 RACH, ARE YOU STILL THINKING YOU'LL MAKE IT TO VAIL?
94 ABSOLUTELY.
95 SHOOP, SHOOP, SHOOP.
96 ONLY $102 TO GO.
97 I THOUGHT IT WAS $98.50.
98 IT WAS, BUT I BROKE A CUP.
99 WELL, I'M OFF TO CAROL'S.
100 OOH! OOH! WHY DON'T WE INVITE HER?
101 "OOH! OOH!" BECAUSE SHE'S MY EX-WIFE
102 AND WILL PROBABLY WANT TO BRING HER "OOH! OOH!"
103 LESBIAN LIFE PARTNER.
104 ( knocking )
105 HI.
106 HI. IS CAROL HERE?
107 NO, SHE'S AT A FACULTY MEETING.
108 OH.
109 WELL, I JUST CAME BY TO PICK UP MY SKULL.
110 WELL, NOT MINE, BUT...
111 COME IN.
112 THANKS.
113 CAROL BORROWED IT FOR A CLASS
114 AND I HAVE TO GET IT BACK TO THE MUSEUM.
115 WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?
116 KIND OF LIKE A BIG FACE WITHOUT SKIN.
117 YES, I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE CONCEPT.
118 WE CAN JUST LOOK FOR IT.
119 OKAY.
120 WOW, YOU GUYS...
121 SURE HAVE A LOT OF BOOKS ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN.
122 WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO TAKE A COURSE.
123 OTHERWISE, THEY DON'T LET YOU DO IT.
124 HEY.
125 HEY, YERTLE THE TURTLE.
126 A CLASSIC.
127 ACTUALLY, I'M READING IT TO THE BABY.
128 THE BABY THAT HASN'T BEEN BORN YET?
129 WOULDN'T THAT MEAN YOU'RE... CRAZY?
130 WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK
131 THEY CAN HEAR SOUNDS IN THERE?
132 YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.
133 I MEAN, YOU REALLY... YOU REALLY TALK TO IT?
134 YEAH. ALL THE TIME.
135 I WANT THE BABY TO KNOW MY VOICE.
136 DO YOU, UH...
137 DO YOU TALK ABOUT ME?
138 YEAH. ALL THE TIME.
139 REALLY?
140 BUT, UM...
141 WE JUST REFER TO YOU AS BOBO THE SPERM GUY.
142 LOOK, IF SHE'S TALKING TO IT
143 I JUST THINK I SHOULD GET SOME BELLY TIME TOO.
144 I MEAN, NOT THAT I BELIEVE ANY OF THIS.
145 OH, I BELIEVE IT.
146 I THINK THE BABY CAN TOTALLY HEAR EVERYTHING.
147 REALLY?
148 I'LL SHOW YOU.
149 THIS WILL SEEM WEIRD
150 BUT YOU PUT YOUR HEAD INSIDE THIS TURKEY
151 AND THEN WE'LL ALL TALK
152 AND YOU'LL HEAR EVERYTHING WE SAY.
153 I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY I'M...
154 I'M TOTALLY BEHIND THIS EXPERIMENT.
155 IN FACT, I'D... I'D VERY MUCH LIKE
156 TO BUTTER YOUR HEAD.
157 Ross: HI. Monica: HEY, RACH.
158 DID YOU MAKE YOUR MONEY?
159 NO, NOT EVEN CLOSE.
160 FORGET VAIL.
161 FORGET SEEING MY FAMILY.
162 FORGET SHOOP, SHOOP, SHOOP.
163 RACH... HERE'S YOUR MAIL.
164 THANKS. YOU CAN JUST PUT IT ON THE TABLE.
165 NO, HERE'S YOUR MAIL.
166 THANKS. YOU CAN JUST PUT IT ON THE TABLE.
167 WOULD YOU JUST OPEN IT?!
168 OH, MY GOD!
169 OH, YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.
170 WE ALL CHIPPED IN.
171 WE DID?
172 YOU OWE ME 20 BUCKS.
173 THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
174 CHANDLER, HERE YOU GO.
175 GOT YOUR TRADITIONAL HOLIDAY FEAST: TOMATO SOUP
176 YOUR GRILLED CHEESE FIXINS
177 AND YOUR FAMILY-SIZED BAG OF FUNYUNS.
178 THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE HAVING FOR THANKSGIVING?
179 WHAT'S WITH YOU AND THIS HOLIDAY?
180 ALL RIGHT. I'M NINE YEARS OLD.
181 AW, HATE THIS STORY.
182 WE'VE JUST FINISHED THANKSGIVING DINNER.
183 I HAVE-- AND I REMEMBER THIS VIVIDLY--
184 A MOUTHFUL OF PUMPKIN PIE.
185 AND THIS IS THE MOMENT MY PARENTS CHOOSE TO TELL ME
186 THEY'RE GETTING DIVORCED.
187 OH, MY GOD.
188 YES. VERY DIFFICULT TO ENJOY THANKSGIVING DINNER
189 ONCE YOU'VE SEEN IT IN REVERSE.
190 UH, HI.
191 WE, UH...
192 WE USED TO WORK TOGETHER.
193 WE DID?
194 YEAH. AT MACY'S.
195 YOU'RE THE "OBSESSION GIRL"?
196 YES.
197 I WAS THE "ARAMIS GUY."
198 "ARAMIS
199 "ARAMIS
200 ARAMIS."
201 YEAH, RIGHT.
202 I GOT TO TELL YOU--
203 YOU'RE THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS.
204 GET OUT. I'M SERIOUS.
205 YOU'RE AMAZING.
206 YOU KNOW WHEN TO SPRITZ.
207 YOU KNOW WHEN TO LAY BACK.
208 REALLY? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME.
209 ( sniffing ): OOH.
210 YOU SMELL GREAT TONIGHT.
211 WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
212 ( quietly ): NOTHING.
213 LISTEN, DO YOU WANT TO GO GET A DRINK OR SOMETHING?
214 YEAH. THAT'D BE...
215 OH.
216 WHAT'S WRONG?
217 I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
218 OH, WHAT?
219 UM...
220 LEAVE.
221 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
222 ( all chuckling )
223 ( clears throat )
224 SO I GUESS YOU ALL SAW IT.
225 SAW WHAT?
226 NO, WE'RE JUST LAUGHING.
227 YOU KNOW HOW LAUGHTER CAN BE INFECTIOUS.
228 HEY.
229 SET ANOTHER PLACE FOR THANKSGIVING.
230 MY ENTIRE FAMILY THINKS I HAVE V.D.
231 TONIGHT, ON A VERY SPECIAL BLOSSOM...
232 MMM, LOOKING GOOD.
233 CIDER'S MULLING, TURKEY'S TURKING, YAMS ARE YAMMING.
234 WHAT?
235 IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME WITHOUT MOM IN THE KITCHEN.
236 GET OUT OF MY WAY AND STOP ANNOYING ME.
237 THAT'S CLOSER.
238 I GOT THE TICKETS.
239 FIVE HOURS FROM NOW...
240 SHOOP, SHOOP, SHOOP.
241 YOU MUST STOP SHOOPING.
242 I'M GOING TO GET MY STUFF.
243 CHANDLER, WILL YOU COME IN ALREADY?
244 I PREFER TO KEEP A SAFE DISTANCE FROM ALL THIS MERRIMENT.
245 LOOK OUT.
246 INCOMING PUMPKIN PIE.
247 ( imitating airplane engine )
248 OKAY, WE ALL LAUGHED WHEN YOU DID IT WITH THE STUFFING
249 BUT THAT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.
250 MONICA, I GOT A QUESTION.
251 I DON'T SEE ANY TATER TOTS.
252 THAT'S NOT A QUESTION.
253 MY MOM ALWAYS MAKES THEM.
254 IT'S A TRADITION.
255 YOU GET A LITTLE TURKEY ON YOUR FORK
256 A LITTLE CRANBERRY SAUCE AND A TOT.
257 IT'S BAD ENOUGH
258 I CAN'T BE WITH MY FAMILY
259 BECAUSE OF MY DISEASE.
260 ALL RIGHT.
261 TONIGHT'S POTATOES WILL BE BOTH MASHED WITH LUMPS
262 AND IN THE FORM OF TOTS.
263 I'M OFF TO TALK TO MY UNBORN CHILD.
264 AH!
265 MOM NEVER HIT.
266 OKAY, ALL DONE.
267 PHOEBE, DID YOU WHIP THE POT...
268 ROSS NEEDS LUMPS.
269 OH, I'M SORRY.
270 I THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE THEM WHIPPED
271 AND THEN ADD SOME PEAS AND ONIONS.
272 WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?
273 'CAUSE THEN THEY'D BE THE WAY MY MOM USED TO MAKE IT
274 BEFORE SHE DIED.
275 OKAY, THREE KINDS OF POTATOES COMING UP.
276 OKAY, GOOD-BYE, YOU GUYS.
277 THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
278 OH, LOOK.
279 OH, SORRY.
280 THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE THING HAS HAPPENED.
281 UNDERDOG HAS GOTTEN AWAY.
282 THE BALLOON?
283 NO, THE ACTUAL CARTOON CHARACTER.
284 OF COURSE THE BALLOON.
285 IT'S ALL OVER THE NEWS.
286 HE BROKE FREE AND WAS SPOTTED OVER WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK.
287 I'M GOING TO THE ROOF.
288 I CAN'T. I GOT TO GO.
289 AN 80-FOOT INFLATABLE DOG LOOSE OVER THE CITY?
290 HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN?
291 ALMOST NEVER.
292 GOT THE KEYS?
293 OKAY.
294 ANYTIME YOU'RE READY.
295 OKAY.
296 OKAY, HERE WE GO.
297 OKAY, WHERE AM I TALKING TO HERE?
298 I MEAN, THERE IS ONE WAY THAT SEEMS TO OFFER
299 A CERTAIN ACOUSTICAL ADVANTAGE, BUT...
300 JUST AIM FOR THE BUMP.
301 OKAY.
302 OKAY.
303 OKAY, HERE GOES.
304 YOU KNOW, I CAN'T DO THIS.
305 THIS IS...
306 IT'S TOO WEIRD.
307 I FEEL STUPID.
308 SO DON'T DO IT.
309 YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT JUST BECAUSE SUSAN DOES IT.
310 HELLO, BABY.
311 I LOVED THE GIANT DOG SHADOW OVER THE PARK.
312 DID THEY HAVE TO SHOOT HIM DOWN?
313 THAT WAS JUST MEAN.
314 RIGHT ABOUT NOW, THE TURKEY SHOULD BE CRISPY ON THE OUTSIDE
315 JUICY ON THE INSIDE.
316 WHY ARE WE STANDING HERE?
317 WE'RE WAITING FOR YOU TO OPEN THE DOOR.
318 YOU'VE GOT THE KEYS.
319 NO, I DON'T.
320 YES, YOU DO.
321 WHEN WE LEFT, YOU SAID, "GOT THE KEYS."
322 NO, I ASKED, "GOT THE KE-EYS?"
323 NO, NO, NO, YOU SAID, "GOT THE KE-EYS."
324 EITHER OF YOU HAVE THE KE-EYS?
325 THE OVEN IS ON.
326 I'VE GOT TO GET MY TICKET.
327 WE HAVE A COPY OF YOUR KEY.
328 GET IT!
329 THAT TONE WON'T MAKE ME GO ANY FASTER.
330 JOEY...
331 THAT ONE WILL.
332 AND EVERYONE'S TELLING ME, "YOU'VE GOT TO PICK A MAJOR."
333 "YOU'VE GOT TO PICK A MAJOR."
334 SO, ON A DARE, I PICKED PALEONTOLOGY.
335 AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SAYING
336 BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT, YOU'RE A FETUS.
337 YOU'RE JUST HAPPY YOU DON'T HAVE GILLS ANYMORE.
338 LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO IT.
339 YOU CAN SING TO IT.
340 I AM NOT SINGING TO YOUR STOMACH.
341 HOW'S IT GOING?
342 ♪ HERE WE COME ♪
343 ♪ WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET ♪
344 ♪ GET THE FUNNIEST LOOKS FROM EVERYONE WE MEET ♪
345 ♪ HEY, HEY... ♪
346 HEY, UH, DID YOU JUST FEEL THAT?
347 I DID.
348 DOES IT ALWAYS..? THAT WAS THE FIRST.
349 KEEP SINGING.
350 ♪ HEY, HEY, YOU'RE MY BABY ♪
351 ♪ AND I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU ♪
352 ♪ WHEN YOU COME OUT I'LL BUY YOU A BAGEL ♪
353 ♪ AND THEN WE'LL GO TO THE ZOO ♪
354 I FELT IT.
355 ♪ HEY, HEY, I'M YOUR DADDY ♪
356 ♪ I'M THE ONE WITHOUT ANY BREASTS ♪
357 CAN YOU GO ANY FASTER WITH THAT?
358 I GOT ONE KEY HOLE AND A ZILLION KEYS.
359 YOU DO THE MATH.
360 WHY DO YOU GUYS HAVE SO MANY KEYS IN THERE ANYWAY?
361 FOR AN EMERGENCY JUST LIKE THIS.
362 ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, SMIRKY, IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
363 AND YOUR STUPID BALLOON, I WOULD BE ON A PLANE
364 WATCHING A WOMAN DO THIS RIGHT NOW
365 BUT I'M NOT.
366 I SWEAR YOU SAID YOU HAD THE KEYS.
367 I WOULDN'T SAY THAT UNLESS I HAD THE KEYS.
368 AND I DID NOT HAVE THE KEYS!
369 ENOUGH WITH THE KEYS. NO ONE SAY "KEYS."
370 WHY WOULD I HAVE THE KEYS?
371 ASIDE FROM YOUR SAYING YOU HAD THEM?
372 BUT I DIDN'T.
373 YOU SHOULD HAVE.
374 WHY? BECAUSE.
375 BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS MY RESPONSIBILITY?
376 ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT I'M MAKING
377 THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR EVERYONE?
378 EVERYONE WANTS A DIFFERENT KIND OF POTATO.
379 SO I'M MAKING DIFFERENT KINDS OF POTATOES.
380 DOES ANYBODY CARE WHAT KIND OF POTATOES I WANT?
381 NO! NO! NO!
382 JUST AS LONG AS PHOEBE
383 GETS HER PEAS AND ONIONS
384 AND MARIO GETS HIS TOTS.
385 IT'S MY FIRST THANKSGIVING
386 AND IT'S ALL BURNED AND...
387 ( high pitched ): AND I...
388 OKAY, MONICA, ONLY DOGS CAN HEAR YOU NOW.
389 THE DOOR'S OPEN.
390 OH, GOD.
391 WELL, THE TURKEY'S BURNT.
392 POTATOES ARE RUINED. POTATOES ARE RUINED. POTATOES ARE RUINED.
393 ♪ HERE WE COME ♪
394 ♪ WALKIN' DOWN THE... ♪
395 THIS DOESN'T SMELL LIKE MOM'S.
396 NO, IT DOESN'T, DOES IT?
397 BUT YOU WANTED LUMPS, ROSS?
398 HERE YOU GO, BUDDY. YOU GOT ONE.
399 GOD, THIS IS GREAT.
400 THE PLANE IS GONE
401 I GUESS I'M STUCK HERE WITH YOU GUYS.
402 WE ALL HAD BETTER PLANS.
403 THIS WAS NOBODY'S FIRST CHOICE.
404 OH, REALLY?
405 SO WHY WAS I BUSTING MY ASS TO MAKE THIS DELICIOUS DINNER?
406 YOU CALL THAT DELICIOUS?
407 ( all shouting )
408 STOP IT! STOP IT!
409 NOW, THIS FEELS LIKE THANKSGIVING.
410 EW!
411 WHAT?
412 UGLY NAKED GUY'S TAKING HIS TURKEY
413 OUT OF THE OVEN.
414 ( all groan )
415 OH, MY GOD.
416 HE'S NOT ALONE.
417 UGLY NAKED GUY
418 IS HAVING THANKSGIVING DINNER
419 WITH UGLY NAKED GAL.
420 I'VE GOT TO SEE THIS.
421 ( all gasping )
422 ALL RIGHT, UGLY NAKED GUY!
423 UGLY NAKED DANCING.
424 IT'S NICE THAT HE HAS SOMEONE.
425 SHALL I CARVE?
426 BY ALL MEANS.
427 ALL RIGHT.
428 OKAY. WHO WANTS LIGHT CHEESE?
429 AND WHO WANTS DARK CHEESE?
430 I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW
431 ABOUT THE DARK CHEESE.
432 ANYBODY WANT TO SPLIT THIS?
433 OH. I WILL.
434 MAKE A WISH.
435 MAKE A WISH?
436 COME ON. YOU KNOW-- THANKSGIVING.
437 OOH! YOU GOT THE BIGGER HALF.
438 WHAT'D YOU WISH?
439 FOR THE BIGGER HALF.
440 ALL RIGHT.
441 I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.
442 LITTLE TOAST HERE.
443 I KNOW THIS ISN'T EXACTLY
444 THE THANKSGIVING THAT ALL OF YOU PLANNED.
445 BUT FOR ME, THIS HAS BEEN REALLY GREAT. YOU KNOW?
446 I THINK BECAUSE IT DIDN'T INVOLVE DIVORCE
447 OR PROJECTILE VOMITING.
448 ANYWAY, I WAS JUST THINKING, IF YOU HAD GONE TO VAIL
449 OR IF YOU GUYS HAD BEEN WITH YOUR FAMILY
450 OR IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE SYPHILIS AND STUFF
451 WE WOULDN'T BE ALL TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?
452 SO I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
453 THAT, UH, I'M VERY THANKFUL
454 THAT ALL OF YOUR THANKSGIVINGS SUCKED.
455 All: THAT'S SO SWEET. THANK YOU.
456 AND HEY...
457 HERE'S TO A LOUSY CHRISTMAS.
458 AND A CRAPPY NEW YEAR.
459 HERE. HERE.
460

S01E10

1 GUYS, THERE'S SOMEBODY I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET.
2 WAIT.
3 WHAT IS THAT?
4 MARCEL. WANT TO SAY HI?
5 NO, I DON'T.
6 OH, HE IS PRECIOUS.
7 WHERE DID YOU GET HIM?
8 MY FRIEND, BETHEL, RESCUED HIM FROM SOME LAB.
9 THAT IS SO CRUEL.
10 WHY WOULD A PARENT NAME THEIR CHILD BETHEL?
11 HEY, THAT MONKEY'S GOT A ROSS ON HIS ASS.
12 ROSS, IS HE GOING TO LIVE WITH YOU?
13 IN YOUR APARTMENT?
14 YEAH. IT'S BEEN KIND OF QUIET SINCE CAROL LEFT, SO...
15 WHY DON'T YOU GET A ROOMMATE?
16 I THINK YOU REACH A CERTAIN AGE
17 HAVING A ROOMMATE IS JUST KIND OF PATHE...
18 UH... I'M SORRY.
19 THAT'S "PATHET."
20 SANSKRIT FOR "REALLY COOL WAY TO LIVE."
21 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
22 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
23 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
24 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
25 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
26 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
27 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
28 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
29 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
30 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
31 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
32 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
33 I'M DOING ALL NEW MATERIAL TONIGHT.
34 I HAVE 12 NEW SONGS ABOUT MY MOTHER'S SUICIDE
35 AND ONE ABOUT A SNOWMAN.
36 MIGHT WANT TO OPEN WITH THE SNOWMAN.
37 HI, JOEY.
38 HEY.
39 HI, BUDDY.
40 SO, HOW'D IT GO?
41 I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
42 ( sympathetic groaning )
43 HOW COULD YOU NOT GET IT?
44 YOU WERE SANTA LAST YEAR.
45 I DON'T KNOW.
46 SOME FAT GUY'S SLEEPING WITH THE STORE MANAGER.
47 HE'S NOT EVEN JOLLY.
48 IT'S ALL POLITICAL.
49 SO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE?
50 I'M GOING TO BE ONE OF HIS HELPERS
51 BUT IT'S JUST SUCH A SLAP IN THE FACE, YOU KNOW?
52 DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING
53 FOR NEW YEAR'S?
54 ( all groaning )
55 WHAT IS WRONG WITH NEW YEAR'S?
56 NOTHING FOR YOU.
57 YOU HAVE PAOLO.
58 YOU DON'T HAVE THE PRESSURES--
59 THE DESPERATE SCRAMBLE TO FIND ANYTHING WITH LIPS
60 SO YOU HAVE SOMEBODY TO KISS WHEN THE BALL DROPS!
61 MAN, I'M TALKING LOUD.
62 PAOLO IS GOING TO BE IN ROME THIS NEW YEAR'S
63 SO I'LL BE JUST AS PATHETIC AS THE REST OF YOU.
64 YEAH. YOU WISH.
65 IT'S JUST THAT I AM SICK OF BEING A VICTIM
66 TO THIS DICK CLARK HOLIDAY.
67 I SAY THIS YEAR, NO DATES.
68 WE MAKE A PACT-- JUST THE SIX OF US. DINNER.
69 SURE. FINE. OKAY.
70 I WAS HOPING FOR A LITTLE ENTHUSIASM.
71 WHOO! YAY!
72 SOUNDS GREAT.
73 PHOEBE, YOU'RE ON.
74 OKAY, HI.
75 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
76 BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
77 MISS PHOEBE BUFFAY.
78 ( applause )
79 HI.
80 THANKS. HI.
81 UM... I WANT TO START WITH A SONG
82 THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME THIS TIME OF YEAR.
83 ♪ I MADE A MAN WITH EYES OF COAL ♪
84 ♪ AND A SMILE SO BEWITCHING ♪
85 ♪ HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ♪
86 ♪ THAT MY MOM WAS DEAD IN THE KITCHEN? ♪
87 ♪ LA, LA-LA, LA, LA-LA... ♪
88 ♪ ...MY MOTHER'S ASHES ♪
89 ♪ EVEN HER EYELASHES ♪
90 ♪ ARE RESTING IN A LITTLE YELLOW JAR ♪
91 ♪ AND SOMETIMES WHEN IT'S BREEZY ♪
92 ♪ OR IF I'M FEELING SNEEZY ♪
93 ♪ AND... ♪
94 EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
95 NOISY BOYS.
96 IS IT SOMETHING THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE
97 WITH THE ENTIRE GROUP?
98 NO. NO, THAT'S OKAY.
99 WELL, COME ON.
100 IF IT'S IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO DISCUSS WHILE I'M PLAYING
101 THEN I ASSUME IT'S IMPORTANT ENOUGH
102 FOR EVERYONE ELSE TO HEAR.
103 THAT GUY'S GOING HOME WITH A NOTE.
104 AHEM. AHEM.
105 I WAS... I WAS JUST SAYING...
106 COULD YOU SPEAK UP?
107 SORRY. I WAS...
108 I WAS SAYING THAT I THOUGHT
109 YOU WERE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
110 THAT I'D EVER SEEN
111 IN MY LIFE
112 AND THEN HE SAID...
113 YOU SAID YOU THOUGHT
114 DARYL HANNAH WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
115 THAT HE'D EVER SEEN IN HIS LIFE
116 AND I SAID, "YEAH, I LIKED HER IN SPLASH A LOT
117 BUT NOT SO MUCH IN WALL STREET."
118 I THOUGHT SHE HAD...
119 A HARD QUALITY.
120 AND, UH... WHILE DARYL HANNAH
121 IS BEAUTIFUL IN A CONVENTIONAL WAY
122 YOU ARE LUMINOUS WITH A KIND OF A DELICATE GRACE.
123 THEN THAT'S WHEN YOU STARTED YELLING.
124 OKAY. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A SHORT BREAK.
125 THAT GUY'S GOING HOME WITH MORE THAN A NOTE.
126 PHEEBS, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE HASN'T KISSED YOU YET.
127 I MEAN, GOD, BY MY SIXTH DATE WITH PAOLO
128 HE'D ALREADY NAMED BOTH MY BREASTS.
129 WHOA, DID I JUST SHARE TOO MUCH?
130 JUST A SMIDGE.
131 DAVID'S, LIKE, YOU KNOW, A SCIENTIST GUY.
132 HE'S VERY METHODICAL.
133 IT'S ROMANTIC.
134 DID YOU EVER SEE AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN?
135 YEAH.
136 WELL, HE'S KIND OF LIKE
137 THE GUY I WENT TO SEE THAT WITH.
138 EXCEPT...
139 EXCEPT HE'S SMARTER AND GENTLER AND SWEETER.
140 I JUST... I JUST WANT
141 TO BE WITH HIM ALL THE TIME.
142 YOU KNOW, DAY AND NIGHT...
143 AND NIGHT AND DAY
144 AND SPECIAL OCCASIONS.
145 I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
146 YOU'RE GOING TO ASK HIM TO NEW YEAR'S.
147 YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THE PACT.
148 SHE'S GOING TO BREAK THE PACT.
149 NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.
150 NO.
151 YEAH, COULD I JUST..?
152 YEAH, 'CAUSE I ALREADY ASKED JANICE.
153 COME ON. THIS WAS A PACT.
154 THIS WAS YOUR PACT.
155 I SNAPPED, OKAY?
156 I COULDN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE.
157 BUT THAT WAS, LIKE, THE WORST BREAKUP IN HISTORY.
158 I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.
159 I'M SAYING I SNAPPED.
160 HI. SORRY I'M LATE.
161 TOO MANY JOKES.
162 MUST MOCK JOEY.
163 NICE SHOES, HUH?
164 AH! YOU'RE KILLING ME!
165 OH, ROSS.
166 HE'S PLAYING WITH MY SPATULAS AGAIN.
167 LOOK, HE'S NOT GOING TO HURT THEM, RIGHT?
168 DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BRING HIM HERE?
169 LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM ALONE, ALL RIGHT?
170 WE HAD OUR FIRST FIGHT THIS MORNING.
171 I THINK IT HAS TO DO WITH MY WORKING LATE.
172 I SAID SOME THINGS THAT I DIDN'T MEAN AND...
173 HE THREW SOME FECES.
174 IF YOU'RE GOING TO WORK LATE
175 I CAN LOOK IN ON HIM FOR YOU.
176 OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
177 OKAY, BUT IF YOU DO, MAKE SURE IT SEEMS
178 LIKE YOU'RE THERE TO SEE HIM, OKAY?
179 AND YOU'RE NOT, LIKE, DOING IT AS A FAVOR TO ME.
180 OKAY, BUT IF HE ASKS, I'M NOT GOING TO LIE.
181 BUT YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY TEST THIS THEORY
182 BECAUSE TODAY'S PARTICLE ACCELERATORS
183 ARE NOWHERE NEAR POWERFUL ENOUGH TO SIMULATE THESE CONDITIONS.
184 OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
185 I HAVE A QUESTION THEN.
186 WERE YOU PLANNING ON KISSING ME EVER?
187 UH... THAT'S DEFINITELY A VALID QUESTION
188 AND, UH... THE ANSWER WOULD BE...
189 YES.
190 YES, I WAS.
191 BUT, SEE, I WANTED IT TO BE THIS PHENOMENAL KISS
192 THAT HAPPENED AT THIS PHENOMENAL MOMENT
193 BECAUSE, WELL, BECAUSE IT'S YOU.
194 SURE. YEAH.
195 RIGHT, BUT, YOU SEE, THE LONGER I WAITED
196 THE MORE PHENOMENAL THE KISS HAD TO BE
197 AND NOW WE'VE REACHED A PLACE WHERE IT'S
198 GOT TO BE ONE OF THOSE THINGS
199 WHERE I, LIKE, SWEEP EVERYTHING OFF THE TABLE
200 AND I'M NOT REALLY A, UH...
201 SWEEPING SORT OF FELLOW.
202 DAVID, I THINK YOU ARE A SWEEPING SORT OF FELLOW.
203 I MEAN...
204 YOU'RE A SWEEPER
205 TRAPPED INSIDE A PHYSICIST'S BODY.
206 REALLY?
207 OH, YEAH. OH, I'M SURE OF IT.
208 YOU SHOULD JUST DO IT.
209 JUST SWEEP AND THROW ME.
210 NOW, NOW?
211 OH, YEAH, RIGHT NOW.
212 OKAY, OKAY.
213 YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS JUST REALLY EXPENSIVE.
214 AND THIS WAS A GIFT.
215 YOU'RE KIND OF TIDYING UP.
216 OKAY. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL?
217 DO YOU WANT ME TO ACTUALLY THROW YOU
218 OR YOU WANT TO JUST HOP UP?
219 TELL ME SOMETHING.
220 WHAT DOES THE PHRASE "NO-DATE PACT" MEAN TO YOU?
221 I'M SORRY, OKAY?
222 IT'S JUST THAT CHANDLER HAS SOMEBODY
223 AND PHOEBE HAS SOMEBODY.
224 I THOUGHT I'D ASK FUN BOBBY.
225 FUN BOBBY--
226 YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND FUN BOBBY?
227 YOU KNOW MORE THAN ONE FUN BOBBY?
228 I HAPPEN TO KNOW A FUN BOB.
229 OKAY. HERE WE GO.
230 OH, OH, OH, THERE'S NO ROOM FOR MILK.
231 THERE.
232 OKAY, SO ON OUR NO-DATE EVENING
233 THREE OF YOU NOW ARE GOING TO HAVE DATES.
234 UH... FOUR.
235 FIVE. FIVE.
236 SORRY. PAOLO'S CATCHING AN EARLIER FLIGHT.
237 YEAH, AND I MET
238 THIS REALLY HOT SINGLE MOM AT THE STORE.
239 WHAT'S AN ELF TO DO?
240 OKAY, SO I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE
241 STANDING THERE ALONE WHEN THE BALL DROPS?
242 WE'LL HAVE A BIG PARTY
243 AND NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO'S WITH WHO.
244 THIS IS SO NOT WHAT I NEEDED RIGHT NOW.
245 WHAT'S THE MATTER?
246 OH, IT'S MARCEL.
247 HE KEEPS SHUTTING ME OUT, YOU KNOW?
248 HE'S WALKING AROUND ALL THE TIME
249 DRAGGING HIS HANDS.
250 I HAD SUCH A BLAST WITH HIM THE OTHER NIGHT.
251 REALLY?
252 YEAH. WE PLAYED.
253 THAT JUGGLING THING IS AMAZING.
254 WHAT, UH... WHAT JUGGLING THING?
255 WITH THE BALLED-UP SOCKS.
256 I FIGURED YOU TAUGHT HIM THAT.
257 NO.
258 YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T THAT BIG A DEAL.
259 IT WAS JUST BALLED-UP SOCKS...
260 AND A MELON.
261 PHOEBE, HI.
262 HI, MAX.
263 DO YOU KNOW EVERYBODY?
264 NO. HAVE YOU SEEN DAVID?
265 NO. NO.
266 WELL, IF YOU SEE HIM, TELL HIM TO PACK HIS BAGS.
267 WE ARE GOING TO MINSK.
268 MINSK?
269 MINSK. IT'S IN RUSSIA.
270 I KNOW WHERE MINSK IS.
271 WE GOT THE GRANT.
272 THREE YEARS.
273 ALL EXPENSES PAID.
274 SO WHEN, WHEN DO YOU LEAVE?
275 JANUARY FIRST.
276 ( knocking )
277 HELLO?
278 WHAT... HEY!
279 HI.
280 HI. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
281 WELL, MAX TOLD ME ABOUT MINSK
282 SO, YOU KNOW, CONGRATULATIONS!
283 THIS IS SO EXCITING.
284 IT WOULD BE EVEN MORE EXCITING IF WE WERE GOING.
285 YOU'RE NOT GOING?
286 OH... WHY?
287 TELL HER, DAVID.
288 "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO MINSK
289 "TO WORK WITH LIFSON AND YAMAGUCHI AND FLENCK.
290 "OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
291 I WANT TO STAY HERE AND MAKE OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND."
292 OKAY, THANK YOU, MAX.
293 THANK YOU.
294 SO... SO YOU'RE REALLY NOT GOING?
295 I DON'T KNOW.
296 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. I JUST...
297 YOU DECIDE.
298 OH, DON'T DO THAT.
299 PLEASE? OH, NO, NO.
300 I'M ASKING... I CAN'T.
301 BUT I CAN'T MAKE THE DECISION.
302 OKAY, STAY.
303 STAY?
304 STAY.
305 YOU'RE GETTING SO GOOD AT THAT.
306 IT WAS MAX'S STUFF.
307 I LOVE THIS ARTICHOKE THING.
308 DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S IN IT.
309 THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW.
310 ( braying laughter )
311 YOU REMEMBER JANICE?
312 OH... VIVIDLY.
313 ( doorbell rings )
314 HI.
315 HI. I'M SANDY.
316 SANDY, HI. COME ON IN.
317 ( nervous chuckling )
318 YOU BROUGHT YOUR KIDS.
319 YEAH. THAT'S OKAY, RIGHT?
320 PAR-TAY.
321 THAT THING IS NOT COMING IN HERE.
322 "THAT THING"? THIS IS HOW YOU GREET GUESTS AT A PARTY?
323 IF I SHOWED UP WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND
324 SHE WOULDN'T BE WELCOME?
325 YOUR GIRLFRIEND WOULDN'T URINATE ON MY COFFEE TABLE.
326 HE WAS MORE EMBARRASSED ABOUT THAT THAN ANYONE.
327 OKAY?
328 AND FOR HIM TO HAVE THE COURAGE TO WALK BACK IN HERE
329 LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED...
330 ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT!
331 JUST KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME.
332 THANK YOU. COME ON, MARCEL.
333 WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I DO A LITTLE MINGLING?
334 ALL RIGHT. I'LL, UH... CATCH UP WITH YOU LATER.
335 OH, MY GOSH!
336 RACHEL, HONEY... ARE YOU OKAY?
337 WHERE'S PAOLO?
338 ROME.
339 JERK MISSED HIS FLIGHT.
340 AND THEN YOUR FACE EXPLODED?
341 NO.
342 OKAY. I WAS AT THE AIRPORT GETTING INTO A CAB
343 WHEN THIS WOMAN--
344 THIS BLONDE PLANET WITH A POCKETBOOK--
345 STARTS YELLING AT ME.
346 SOMETHING ABOUT HOW IT WAS HER CAB FIRST
347 AND THEN THE NEXT THING I KNOW, SHE JUST STARTS
348 PULLING ME OUT BY MY HAIR.
349 AND SO I'M BLOWING MY ATTACK WHISTLE THINGY
350 AND-AND THREE MORE CABS SHOW UP
351 SO AS I'M GOING TO GET INTO A CAB, SHE TACKLES ME!
352 I HIT MY HEAD ON THE CURB
353 AND I CUT MY LIP ON MY WHISTLE.
354 OH...
355 EVERYBODY HAVING FUN AT THE PARTY?
356 ARE PEOPLE EATING MY DIP?
357 YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW YOU AT THE STORE LAST WEEK
358 IT WAS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME
359 I EVER MENTALLY UNDRESSED AN ELF.
360 WOW. THAT'S, UH, DIRTY.
361 YEAH.
362 HEY, KIDS.
363 LOOK AT HIM.
364 I'M NOT SAYING HE HAS TO SPEND
365 THE WHOLE EVENING WITH ME
366 BUT AT LEAST CHECK IN.
367 THERE YOU ARE!
368 ♪ YOU GOT AWAY FROM ME! ♪
369 ♪ BUT YOU FOUND ME. ♪
370 HERE, ROSS, TAKE OUR PICTURE.
371 SMILE. YOU'RE ON JANICE CAMERA.
372 KILL ME. KILL ME NOW.
373 EVERYBODY, IT'S FUN BOBBY!
374 ( cheering )
375 HEY, BOBBY!
376 HEY, SORRY I'M LATE
377 BUT MY GRANDFATHER, HE DIED ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO
378 BUT I-I-I COULDN'T GET A FLIGHT OUT TILL TOMORROW SO...
379 HERE I AM.
380 HEY, FUN BOBBY.
381 HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?
382 WHOA! WHO DIED?
383 IT'S GOING TO BE AN OPEN CASKET, YOU KNOW
384 SO AT LEAST I'LL... I'LL GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
385 MMM... I'M GOING TO BLOW THIS ONE UP
386 AND I'M GOING TO WRITE "REUNITED" IN GLITTER.
387 ALL RIGHT, JANICE, THAT'S IT!
388 JANICE... JANICE.
389 HEY, JANICE...
390 WHEN I INVITED YOU
391 I DIDN'T THINK IT MEANT...
392 OH... NO!
393 OH, NO.
394 I'M SORRY YOU MISUNDERSTOOD.
395 OH, MY GOD!
396 YOU LISTEN TO ME, CHANDLER, YOU LISTEN TO ME!
397 ONE OF THESE TIMES IS JUST GOING TO BE YOUR LAST CHANCE WITH ME!
398 OH, WILL YOU GIVE ME THE THING!
399 HI, MAX.
400 YOKO.
401 I'VE DECIDED TO GO TO MINSK WITHOUT YOU.
402 WOW!
403 IT WON'T BE THE SAME
404 BUT IT WILL STILL BE MINSK.
405 HAPPY NEW YEAR!
406 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
407 YEAH, I'M FINE... I'M FINE.
408 COME ON.
409 YOU'RE GOING TO MINSK.
410 N-NO, I'M NOT GOING TO MINSK.
411 OH, YOU ARE SO GOING TO MINSK.
412 YOU BELONG IN MINSK.
413 YOU CAN'T STAY HERE JUST 'CAUSE OF ME.
414 YES, I CAN, BECAUSE IF I GO
415 I HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH YOU AND I CAN'T BREAK UP WITH YOU.
416 OH, YES. YES, YOU CAN.
417 JUST SAY, "PHOEBE, I LOVE YOU, BUT MY WORK IS MY LIFE
418 AND THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DO."
419 AND I SAY, "YOUR WORK?! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?"
420 AND THEN YOU SAY, "IT'S TEARING ME APART
421 "BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.
422 CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"
423 AND I SAY, "NO!
424 NO, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT!"
425 UH, OW.
426 OOH, SORRY.
427 AND THEN YOU PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME...
428 YOU PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME.
429 AND, UM, AND THEN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME
430 AND YOU'LL NEVER FORGET ME.
431 I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
432 AND THEN YOU SAY THAT IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT
433 AND YOU HAVE TO GO BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO START
434 THE NEW YEAR WITH ME IF YOU CAN'T FINISH IT.
435 I'M GOING TO MISS YOU, YOU SCIENTIST GUY.
436 Dick Clark: We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti
437 here in Times Square.
438 It gets bigger and better every year.
439 THERE YOU GO, KIDS.
440 ...AND THEN THE PEACOCK BIT ME.
441 PLEASE KISS ME AT MIDNIGHT.
442 SHH...
443 YOU SEEN SANDY?
444 I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU, BUT SHE'S IN MONICA'S BEDROOM
445 GETTING IT ON WITH MAX, THAT SCIENTIST GEEK.
446 WHOA! I DID KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU.
447 ( distorted mumble ): HEY, EVERYBODY, THE BALL IS DROPPING.
448 All: WHAT?
449 THE BALL IS DROPPING!
450 In 20 seconds, it'll be midnight.
451 AND THE MOMENT OF JOY IS UPON US.
452 LOOKS LIKE THAT NO-DATE-PACT THING WORKED OUT.
453 EVERYBODY LOOKS SO HAPPY. I HATE THAT!
454 NOT EVERYBODY'S HAPPY. HEY, BOBBY.
455 All: ...ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
456 I'LL JUST THROW THIS OUT:
457 I'M NO MATH WHIZ
458 BUT I DO BELIEVE THERE ARE THREE GIRLS
459 AND THREE GUYS RIGHT HERE.
460 ( kissing noise )
461 OH, I DON'T FEEL LIKE KISSING ANYONE TONIGHT.
462 I CAN'T KISS ANYONE.
463 SO I'M KISSING EVERYONE?
464 YOU CAN'T KISS ROSS.
465 THAT'S YOUR BROTHER.
466 OH, YEAH.
467 PERFECT. NOW EVERYBODY'S GETTING KISSED BUT ME.
468 SOMEBODY KISS ME.
469 KISS ME. IT'S MIDNIGHT!
470 SOMEBODY KISS ME! IT'S MIDNIGHT.
471 STOP! STOP! ALL RIGHT.
472 ALL RIGHT!
473 I WANTED THIS TO WORK SO MUCH.
474 NOW, I'M STILL IN THERE, YOU KNOW
475 CHANGING HIS DIAPERS, PICKING HIS FLEAS
476 AND HE'S JUST PHONING IT IN.
477 IT'S JUST SO HARD TO ACCEPT THAT SOMETHING
478 YOU LOVE SO MUCH DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK, YOU KNOW?
479 I THINK THAT BITCH CRACKED MY TOOTH.
480 [Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]
481

S01E11

1 DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE YESTERDAY'S DAILY NEWS?
2 I JUST WANT TO CHECK MY HOROSCOPE
3 TO SEE IF IT WAS RIGHT.
4 OH, MY GOD!
5 PHOEBE, DON'T LOOK NOW
6 BUT BEHIND YOU IS A GUY WHO HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BREAK OUR HEARTS
7 AND PLUNGE US INTO A PIT OF DEPRESSION.
8 WHERE?
9 COME TO MAMA.
10 HE'S COMING. BE COOL.
11 BE COOL. BE COOL.
12 NICE HAT.
13 Both: THANKS.
14 WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING-- WHISTLE.
15 WE ARE NOT GOING TO WHISTLE.
16 DO IT! NO!
17 DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
18 WHOO-HOO!
19 [TIRES SCREECHING] [THUD]
20 OH! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!
21 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
22 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
23 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
24 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
25 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
26 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
27 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
28 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
29 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
30 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
31 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
32 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
33 Monica: WHY DID I "WHOO-HOO"?
34 WHAT WAS I HOPING WOULD HAPPEN?
35 THAT HE'D TURN AROUND AND SAY
36 "OOH. I LOVE THAT SOUND.
37 I MUST HAVE YOU NOW."
38 I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING WE COULD DO.
39 HELLO.
40 HELLO, COMA GUY.
41 GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
42 PHOEBE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
43 MAYBE NOBODY'S TRIED THIS.
44 I WISH WE AT LEAST KNEW HIS NAME.
45 WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT FACE?
46 I MEAN, EVEN SLEEPING, HE LOOKS SMART.
47 I BET HE'S A LAWYER.
48 YOU SEE THE DENTS IN HIS KNUCKLES?
49 THAT MEANS HE'S ARTISTIC.
50 OKAY. HE'S A LAWYER
51 WHO TEACHES SCULPTING ON THE SIDE.
52 AND HE CAN DANCE.
53 OH, YEAH. HE'S THE KIND OF GUY
54 WHO, WHEN YOU'RE TALKING, HE'S LISTENING
55 AND NOT SAYING, "YEAH, I UNDERSTAND."
56 BUT REALLY WONDERING WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED.
57 OH, DEFINITELY!
58 I WISH ALL GUYS COULD BE LIKE HIM.
59 I KNOW.
60 ARE THERE NO CONSCIOUS MEN
61 IN THE CITY FOR YOU TWO?
62 HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYONE.
63 YEAH. WE FEEL KIND OF RESPONSIBLE.
64 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID "WHOO-HOO."
65 I DON'T EVEN SAY "WHOO-HOO."
66 OH! SHE'S COMING UP!
67 When we come back, we'll be talking about her new book
68 Euphoria Unbound. The always interesting Nora Tyler Bing.
69 You might want to put the kids to bed for this one.
70 WE DON'T HAVE TO WATCH THIS.
71 WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S IS ON SHOWTIME.
72 NO WAY!
73 OH, COME ON.
74 SHE'S YOUR MOM.
75 EXACTLY.
76 WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S!
77 DEAD GUY GETTING HIT IN THE GROIN 20, 30 TIMES!
78 CHANDLER, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.
79 I LOVE YOUR MOM'S BOOKS.
80 I CANNOT GET ON A PLANE WITHOUT ONE.
81 THIS IS SO COOL.
82 YOU WOULDN'T THINK SO IF YOU WERE 11
83 AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS WERE PASSING AROUND
84 PAGE 79 OF MISTRESS BITCH.
85 I LOVE YOUR MOM.
86 I THINK SHE'S A BLAST.
87 YEAH. BECAUSE SHE'S NOT YOUR MOM.
88 Chandler: PLEASE.
89 BUONA SERA.
90 HI, SWEETIE.
91 WHEN DID RIGATONI GET BACK FROM ROME?
92 LAST NIGHT.
93 REALLY? SO THEN HIS PLANE DIDN'T EXPLODE
94 IN A BIG BALL OF FIRE?
95 JUST A DREAM I HAD.
96 BUT, PHEW!
97 HEY! HEY! SHE'S ON!
98 AH! NORA BING!
99 Before we get to the book now what is this about you
100 being arrested in London?
101 YOUR MOM WAS ARRESTED?
102 SHH! SHH! I'M BUSY BEAMING WITH PRIDE.
103 THIS IS KIND OF EMBARRASSING, BUT...
104 OCCASIONALLY, AFTER I'VE BEEN INTIMATE WITH A MAN...
105 WHY WOULD SHE SAY THAT'S EMBARRASSING?
106 All: SHH!
107 I JUST GET THIS CRAVING FOR KUNG PAO CHICKEN.
108 THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!
109 SO NOW YOU'RE DOING THIS WHOLE BOOK TOUR THING.
110 HOW IS THAT GOING?
111 FINE. I'M LEAVING
112 FOR NEW YORK TOMORROW-- WHICH I HATE.
113 BUT I GET TO SEE MY SON, WHO I LOVE.
114 All: AW!
115 OH. AND THIS IS THE WAY THAT I FIND OUT.
116 MOST MOM'S USE THE PHONE.
117 YOU KNOW, I... DON'T TAKE THIS WRONG--
118 I JUST DON'T SEE YOU AS A MOM
119 SOMEHOW-- I DON'T MEAN THAT BAD.
120 OH. NO. I AM A FABULOUS MOM.
121 I BOUGHT MY SON HIS FIRST CONDOMS.
122 AND THEN HE BURST INTO FLAMES.
123 Monica: OH. LET'S SEE.
124 CONGRESS IS DEBATING A NEW DEFICIT BILL.
125 THE MAYOR WANTS TO RAISE SUBWAY FARES AGAIN.
126 THE HIGH TODAY WAS 45.
127 AND... OH, AND TEAMS PLAYED SPORTS.
128 ( "My Guy" by Mary Wells playing )
129 ♪♪
130 Phoebe: WHAT ABOUT "GLEN"?
131 HE COULD BE A "GLEN."
132 UH-UH. NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH.
133 HOW ABOUT "AGAMEMNON"?
134 WAY TOO SPECIAL.
135 MMM. I AM FAMISHED. WHAT DO I WANT?
136 PLEASE, GOD, DON'T LET IT BE KUNG PAO CHICKEN.
137 OH! YOU WATCHED THE SHOW!
138 WHAT DID YOU THINK?
139 I THINK YOU NEED
140 TO COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL JUST A...
141 WHAT IS THIS DIVE?
142 ONLY YOU COULD HAVE PICKED THIS PLACE.
143 OH! COME ON. SHUT UP. IT'S FUN.
144 GIVE ME A HUG.
145 I THINK WE'RE READY FOR SOME TEQUILA.
146 WHO'S DOING SHOTS?
147 YEAH. I'M IN.
148 THERE YOU GO... ROSS?
149 I'M NOT REALLY A SHOT DRINKING KIND OF GUY.
150 SORRY! SORRY! WE'RE LATE.
151 WE, UH, KIND OF JUST
152 YOU KNOW, LOST TRACK OF TIME.
153 BUT A MAN CAN CHANGE.
154 ANYONE WANT ME TO APPRAISE ANYTHING?
155 I HAVE READ EVERYTHING YOU'VE WRITTEN.
156 WHEN I READ
157 EUPHORIA AT MIDNIGHT
158 I WANTED TO BECOME A WRITER.
159 OH! PLEASE, HONEY!
160 IF I CAN DO IT, ANYBODY CAN.
161 YOU JUST START
162 WITH HALF A DOZEN EUROPEAN CITIES
163 30 EUPHEMISMS FOR MALE GENITALIA--
164 BAM! YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A BOOK.
165 MY MOTHER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
166 YEAH. ANY MESSAGES FOR ROOM 226?
167 YOU OKAY, SLUGGER?
168 OH. YEAH. I'M FINE. I'M FINE.
169 ( sniffs )
170 ( sighs )
171 WHAT IS WITH YOU TONIGHT?
172 NOTHING.
173 NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.
174 OKAY. THANK YOU.
175 ( sighs )
176 IT'S THE ITALIAN HAND-LICKER, ISN'T IT?
177 NO. IT'S THE ONE HE'S LICKING.
178 SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE WITH YOU.
179 YOU'RE GOOD.
180 OH, ROSS, LISTEN TO ME.
181 I HAVE SOLD A HUNDRED MILLION
182 COPIES OF MY BOOKS-- AND YOU KNOW WHY?
183 THE GIRL ON THE COVER WITH HER NIPPLES SHOWING?
184 NO. BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO WRITE MEN
185 THAT WOMEN FALL IN LOVE WITH.
186 BELIEVE ME. I CANNOT SELL A PAOLO.
187 PEOPLE WILL NOT TURN 325 PAGES FOR A PAOLO.
188 COME ON. THE GUY'S A SECONDARY CHARACTER.
189 HE'S JUST, UH, YOU KNOW
190 A COMPLICATION YOU EVENTUALLY KILL OFF.
191 WHEN?
192 HE'S NOT A HERO.
193 YOU KNOW WHO OUR HERO IS?
194 THE GUY ON THE COVER WITH HIS NIPPLES SHOWING?
195 NO. IT'S YOU.
196 PLEASE.
197 NO. REALLY. COME ON.
198 YOU'RE SMART. YOU'RE SEXY.
199 OH. RIGHT.
200 LISTEN TO ME, KIDDO.
201 YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.
202 BELIEVE ME.
203 UH-OH.
204 UH...
205 I'LL JUST PEE IN THE STREET.
206 ( knocking )
207 HEY, IS CHANDLER HERE?
208 YEAH.
209 OKAY, COME HERE.
210 OKAY. ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
211 YOU KNOW. CHANDLER. YOU DIDN'T TELL...
212 OKAY!
213 'CAUSE I'M THINKING
214 WE DON'T NEED TO TELL CHANDLER.
215 ONE KISS-- NO BIG DEAL, RIGHT?
216 NO BIG DEAL.
217 OKAY.
218 IN BIZARRO WORLD!
219 YOU BROKE THE CODE. WHAT CODE?
220 YOU DON'T KISS YOUR FRIEND'S MOM.
221 SISTERS ARE OKAY, MAYBE A HOT-LOOKIN' AUNT
222 BUT NOT A MOM.
223 NEVER A MOM!
224 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING OUT HERE?
225 AH, JOEY AND I HAD DISCUSSED
226 AN EARLY-MORNING RACQUETBALL GAME
227 BUT, APPARENTLY, SOMEBODY OVERSLEPT.
228 WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR RACQUET.
229 NO. NO, I DON'T BECAUSE IT'S BEING RESTRUNG.
230 SOMEBODY WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING ME ONE.
231 WELL, YOU DIDN'T CALL AND LEAVE YOUR GRIP SIZE.
232 YOU GUYS SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME TOGETHER.
233 OKAY, I'M SCUM. I'M SCUM.
234 ROSS, HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?
235 I DON'T KNOW!
236 IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S A REGULAR MOM.
237 SHE'S-SHE'S SEXY. SHE'S...
238 YOU DON'T THINK MY MOM'S SEXY?
239 WELL, NOT IN THE SAME WAY.
240 HEY!
241 I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW GLORIA TRIBBIANI
242 WAS A HANDSOME WOMAN IN HER DAY, ALL RIGHT?
243 YOU THINK IT'S EASY GIVING BIRTH TO SEVEN CHILDREN?
244 HUH?
245 OKAY. I THINK WE'RE GETTING INTO A WEIRD AREA HERE.
246 HEY. HEY.
247 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING OUT HERE?
248 WELL, NOT PLAYING RACQUETBALL.
249 HE FORGOT TO LEAVE HIS GRIP SIZE.
250 HE DIDN'T GET THE GOGGLES.
251 OH.
252 WELL... SOUNDS LIKE YOU TWO HAVE ISSUES.
253 BYE, BABY.
254 CIAO, BELLA.
255 ( kissing noises )
256 DO THEY WAIT FOR ME TO DO THIS?
257 SO, ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HIM?
258 I'M NOT GOING TO TELL HIM. WHY WOULD I?
259 CAUSE IF YOU DON'T, HIS MOTHER MIGHT.
260 OH.
261 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
262 AH, HE'S NOT EVEN WEARING A JOCK STRAP.
263 WHAT DID I ASK?
264 HI.
265 HI.
266 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
267 NOTHING. I JUST THOUGHT I'D STOP BY
268 YOU KNOW, AFTER THE, AH, THAT I, YOU KNOW.
269 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
270 UM, I'M NOT REALLY HERE.
271 I...JUST THOUGHT I'D DROP THESE OFF ON...
272 THE WAY. MY WAY.
273 DO YOU, UM, COME HERE A LOT...
274 WITHOUT ME?
275 NO.
276 NO! NO!
277 DO YOU THINK HE'S DOING ANY BETTER
278 THAN HE WAS THIS MORNING?
279 HOW WOULD I KNOW? I-I WASN'T HERE.
280 REALLY? NOT EVEN TO, UM...
281 CHANGE HIS PAJAMAS?!
282 OH, MY GOD.
283 YOU'RE MY FRIEND. I...
284 I HAD TO TELL YOU.
285 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
286 PAOLO KISSED MY MOM?
287 YEAH. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED
288 BUT HE HAD A LOT TO DRINK.
289 YOU KNOW HOW HE GETS WHEN HE'S DRU...
290 I CAN'T DO THIS. I DID IT.
291 IT WAS ME. I'M SORRY.
292 I KISSED YOUR MOM.
293 WHAT?
294 I WAS UPSET ABOUT RACHEL AND PAOLO
295 AND I THINK I HAD TOO MUCH TEQUILA AND NORA...
296 UM, MRS. MOM, YOUR BING, WAS, AH...
297 WAS JUST BEING NICE
298 YOU KNOW, BUT NOTHING HAPPENED
299 NOTHING. ASK JOEY.
300 JOEY CAME IN...
301 YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?
302 YOU KNOW, KNOWLEDGE IS A TRICKY THING.
303 I SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY WITH YOU.
304 WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
305 YOU'RE LUCKY I CAUGHT THEM.
306 WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED?
307 THANKS, MAN. BIG HELP.
308 WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!
309 I WASN'T. I DON'T KNOW...
310 NO ONE KNOWS THE CRAP I GO THROUGH
311 WITH MY MOM MORE THAN YOU.
312 I KNOW.
313 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS.
314 ME NEITHER.
315 I'M MAD AT YOU FOR NOT TELLING ME.
316 YOU GOTTA LET ME SLAM THE DOOR!
317 I DIDN'T KISS HER.
318 SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BREAK THE CODE?
319 JOEY!
320 AH... UH?!
321 HI, RACH.
322 HEY. AH...
323 A WOMAN UNDONE, BY RACHEL KAREN GREEN.
324 YEAH. THOUGHT I'D GIVE IT A SHOT.
325 I'M STILL ON THE FIRST CHAPTER.
326 NOW, DO YOU THINK HIS LOVE STICK
327 CAN BE LIBERATED FROM ITS DENIM PRISON?
328 YEAH. I'D SAY SO.
329 AND THERE'S NO "J" IN ENGORGED.
330 HEY, RACH.
331 HEY. HELLO.
332 HELLO.
333 GOING TO THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT?
334 NO. YOU?
335 NO. YOU?
336 YOU JUST ASKED ME.
337 OKAY. MAYBE IT WAS A TRICK QUESTION.
338 UM, RACHEL, CAN WE DO THIS NOW?
339 OKAY.
340 I AM SO HOT!
341 HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY MOTHER AND FATHER ON THEIR WEDDING DAY.
342 YOU TELL ME SHE'S NOT A KNOCKOUT.
343 HUH?
344 I CANNOT BELIEVE WE'RE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.
345 JUST TRY TO PICTURE HER NOT PREGNANT. THAT'S ALL.
346 CENTRAL PERK IS PROUD TO PRESENT MISS PHOEBE BUFFAY.
347 THANKS.
348 HI. UM, I'D LIKE TO START WITH A SONG
349 THAT'S ABOUT A MAN THAT I RECENTLY MET
350 WHO'S COME TO BE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
351 ♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AWAKE TO BE MY MAN ♪
352 ♪ LONG AS YOU HAVE BRAIN WAVES ♪
353 ♪ I'LL BE THERE TO HOLD YOUR HAND ♪
354 ♪ THOUGH WE JUST MET THE OTHER DAY, THERE'S SOMETHING ♪
355 ♪ I HAVE GOT TO SAY... ♪
356 OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH
357 I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHORT BREAK.
358 Rachel: HEY, THAT WAS PHOEBE BUFFAY, EVERYBODY.
359 WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
360 PHOEBE JUST STARTED HER...
361 I BELIEVE I WAS TALKING TO JOEY.
362 ALL RIGHT THERE, MOTHER KISSER?
363 MOTHER KISSER!
364 ( seriously ): I'LL SHUT UP.
365 CHANDLER, I KNOW YOU'RE STILL MAD AT ME.
366 I JUST WANT TO SAY THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE THERE THAT NIGHT.
367 OKAY? THERE WERE TWO SETS OF LIPS.
368 I EXPECT THIS FROM HER.
369 OKAY? SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN A FREUDIAN NIGHTMARE.
370 IF SHE ALWAYS BEHAVES LIKE THIS
371 WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?
372 IT'S COMPLICATED.
373 IT'S COMPLEX. IT'S...
374 HEY! YOU KISSED MY MOM!
375 WE'RE REHEARSING A GREEK PLAY.
376 THAT'S VERY FUNNY. ARE WE DONE NOW?
377 NO. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK TO HER?
378 TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL?
379 NO. JUST BECAUSE YOU PLAYED TONSIL TENNIS WITH MY MOM
380 DOESN'T MEAN YOU KNOW HER.
381 YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER.
382 OKAY. YOU CAN'T OR YOU CAN'T?
383 OKAY. THAT'S MY FINGER.
384 OKAY. THAT'S MY KNEE.
385 STILL DOING THE PLAY.
386 ( turns groan into singing )
387 ALL RIGHT. WHAT'D YOU DO WITH HIM?
388 ( toilet flushing )
389 YOU'RE AWAKE!
390 LOOK AT YOU!
391 HOW DO YOU FEEL?
392 AH, A LITTLE WOOZY BUT BASICALLY OKAY.
393 GOSH, YOU LOOK GOOD.
394 I FEEL GOOD.
395 WHO ARE YOU?
396 SORRY!
397 I'M PHOEBE BUFFAY.
398 I'M MONICA GELLER. I'VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU.
399 WE BOTH HAVE.
400 THE ETCH-A-SKETCH IS FROM YOU?
401 IT'S FROM ME.
402 I GOT THE FOOT MASSAGER.
403 I SHAVED YOU. THAT WAS ME.
404 I READ TO YOU.
405 I SANG. HAH!
406 WELL... THANKS.
407 MY PLEASURE. YOU'RE WELCOME.
408 SO... I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
409 WHAT, THAT'S IT?
410 "SEE YOU AROUND"?
411 WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
412 OH, I DON'T KNOW.
413 MAYBE, UH, "THAT WAS NICE."
414 IT MEANT SOMETHING TO ME.
415 I'LL CALL YOU.
416 ALL RIGHT. I'LL CALL YOU.
417 I DON'T THINK YOU MEAN THAT.
418 THIS IS SO TYPICAL.
419 YOU KNOW, WE GIVE AND WE GIVE AND WE GIVE
420 AND THEN WE JUST GET NOTHING BACK
421 AND THEN ONE DAY, YOU WAKE UP AND "SEE YOU AROUND."
422 LET'S GO, PHOEBE.
423 YOU KNOW WHAT?
424 WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT
425 BUT I GUESS IT WAS JUST THE COMA.
426 Nora: SO, I WAS RUNNING DOWNSTAIRS
427 I JUST WANTED TO DROP OFF COPIES OF MY BOOK FOR YOUR FRIENDS.
428 ANYTHING YOU WANT FROM LISBON?
429 NO, NO. JUST KNOWING YOU'RE GOING TO BE THERE IS ENOUGH.
430 ALL RIGHT, WELL, BE GOOD.
431 I LOVE YOU.
432 YOU KISSED MY BEST ROSS!
433 OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT.
434 OKAY.
435 LOOK, IT WAS STUPID.
436 REALLY STUPID.
437 REALLY STUPID AND...
438 I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED.
439 I'M SORRY, HONEY, AND I PROMISE IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
440 ARE WE OKAY?
441 YEAH...
442 NO.
443 NO.
444 AH. THE FORBIDDEN LOVE OF A MAN AND HIS DOOR.
445 SHH!
446 HE DID IT! HE TOLD HER OFF
447 AND NOT JUST ABOUT THE KISS, ABOUT EVERYTHING.
448 YOU'RE KIDDING!
449 HE SAID, "WHEN YOU GONNA GROW UP AND BE A MOM?"
450 WOW! WAIT! SHE CAME BACK WITH
451 "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GROW UP AND REALIZE I HAVE A BOMB?"
452 OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU SURE SHE DIDN'T SAY
453 "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GROW UP AND REALIZE I AM YOUR MOM?"
454 THAT MAKES MORE SENSE.
455 YOU THINK? YEAH.
456 SO WHAT'S GOING ON NOW?
457 I DON'T KNOW.
458 I'VE BEEN STANDING HERE SPELLING IT OUT FOR YOU.
459 ( whispering ): I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
460 WHAT DO YOU SEE?
461 IT'S HARD TO TELL. THEY'RE SO TINY AND UPSIDE DOWN.
462 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
463 THEY'RE WALKING AWAY, THEY'RE WALKING AWAY...
464 NO! NO, THEY'RE NOT! THEY'RE COMING RIGHT AT US!
465 RUN, RUN!
466 YOU OKAY, KIDDO?
467 YEAH, I'M OKAY.
468 ALL RIGHT. YOU BE GOOD.
469 FLY SAFE.
470 MRS. BING.
471 MR. GELLER.
472 HEY!
473 YOU MEAN THAT?
474 YEAH. WHY NOT?
475 SO I TOLD HER.
476 OH... HOW DID IT GO?
477 AWFUL... AWFUL. COULDN'T HAVE GONE WORSE.
478 WELL... HOW DO YOU FEEL?
479 PRETTY GOOD.
480 I TOLD HER.
481 WELL, SEE?
482 SO MAYBE IT WASN'T SUCH A BAD IDEA
483 ME KISSING YOUR MOM.
484 HUH? HUH?
485 BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO GO DOWN THAT ROAD.
486 OKAY. NOW, THIS IS JUST THE FIRST CHAPTER
487 AND I WANT YOUR ABSOLUTE HONEST OPINION. OKAY?
488 OH! AND ON PAGE TWO, HE'S NOT REACHING FOR HER HEAVING BEASTS.
489 WHAT'S A NIFFLE?
490 YOU CAN USUALLY FIND THEM ON THE HEAVING BEASTS.
491 OH!
492 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. SO I'M NOT A GREAT TYPIST.
493 WAIT, DID YOU GET TO THE PART ABOUT HIS HUGE THROBBING PENS?
494 DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND
495 WHEN HE STARTS WRITING WITH THOSE.
496 ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. GIVE IT BACK.
497

S01E12

1 ( humming bass opening of Odd Couple theme )
2 ( humming theme from Odd Couple )
3 ( all humming theme from Odd Couple )
4 ( humming theme from I Dream of Jeannie )
5 NO. WE'RE DONE.
6 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
7 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
8 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
9 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
10 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
11 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
12 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
13 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
14 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
15 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
16 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
17 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
18 AUNT SYL, STOP YELLING.
19 ALL I'M SAYING IS, IF YOU HAD TOLD ME VEGETARIAN LASAGNA
20 I WOULD HAVE MADE VEGETARIAN LASAGNA.
21 WELL, THE MEAT'S ONLY EVERY THIRD LAYER.
22 MAYBE YOU COULD SCRAPE.
23 ROSS, DID YOU REALLY READ ALL THESE BABY BOOKS?
24 YEP. YOU COULD PLUNK ME DOWN
25 IN THE MIDDLE OF ANY WOMAN'S UTERUS, NO COMPASS
26 AND I COULD FIND MY WAY OUT LIKE THAT.
27 OOH, THIS IS COOL.
28 IN SOME PARTS OF THE WORLD
29 PEOPLE ACTUALLY EAT THE PLACENTA.
30 AND WE'RE DONE WITH THE YOGURT.
31 AUNT SYL, I DID THIS AS A FAVOR.
32 I AM NOT A CATERER.
33 WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH A DOZEN LASAGNAS?
34 NICE TALK, AUNT SYL.
35 YOU KISS UNCLE FREDDIE WITH THAT MOUTH?
36 HEY, ROSS. LISTEN.
37 DO YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW YOUR BABY IS ONLY THIS BIG?
38 THIS IS YOUR BABY.
39 HI, DADDY.
40 HELLO.
41 HOW COME YOU DON'T LIVE WITH MOMMY?
42 HOW COME MOMMY LIVES WITH THAT OTHER LADY?
43 WHAT'S A LESBIAN?
44 ( speaking Italian )
45 YOU CAN SAY IT-- POCONOS.
46 POCONOS.
47 IT'S LIKE POKE A NOSE.
48 AW, POKE A NOSE.
49 ( all mimicking Paolo's tone )
50 SO, DID I HEAR POCONOS?
51 YES. MY SISTER'S GIVING US HER PLACE FOR THE WEEKEND.
52 WHOO-HOO. FIRST WEEKEND AWAY TOGETHER.
53 THAT'S A BIG STEP.
54 Rachel: I KNOW.
55 IT'S JUST A WEEKEND. BIG DEAL.
56 WASN'T THIS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE A FLING?
57 SHOULDN'T IT BE...
58 FLUNG BY NOW?
59 I MEAN, WE ARE WAY PAST THE FLING THING.
60 I AM FEELING THINGS THAT I'VE ONLY READ ABOUT
61 IN DANIELLE STEEL BOOKS.
62 WHEN I'M WITH HIM, I'M JUST TOTALLY, TOTALLY...
63 NAUSEOUS.
64 I'M PHYSICALLY NAUSEOUS.
65 WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
66 CALL IMMIGRATION?
67 I COULD CALL IMMIGRATION.
68 I LOVE BABIES WITH THEIR LITTLE BABY SHOES
69 AND THEIR LITTLE BABY TOES AND THEIR LITTLE HANDS.
70 OKAY. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO STOP THAT.
71 FOREVER.
72 NEED A NEW TABLE.
73 YOU THINK?
74 ( knocking )
75 HEY, HEY. COME ON IN.
76 HELLO.
77 I BROUGHT ALL THE BOOKS
78 AND MONICA SENDS HER LOVE ALONG WITH THIS LASAGNA.
79 OH, GREAT.
80 IS IT VEGETARIAN, 'CAUSE SUSAN DOESN'T EAT MEAT.
81 I'M PRETTY SURE THAT IT IS.
82 SO, I GOT THE RESULTS OF THE AMNIO TODAY.
83 IS EVERYTHING..?
84 TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY HEALTHY.
85 OH, THAT'S GREAT.
86 THAT IS GREAT.
87 HEY. WHEN DID YOU AND SUSAN MEET HUEY LEWIS?
88 UH... THAT'S OUR FRIEND TANYA.
89 OF COURSE, IT'S YOUR FRIEND TANYA.
90 DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE SEX?
91 THE SEX?
92 I'M HAVING ENOUGH TROUBLE
93 WITH THE IMAGE OF YOU AND SUSAN TOGETHER.
94 WHEN YOU THROW IN TANYA... YAW.
95 THE SEX OF THE BABY, ROSS.
96 OH. YOU KNOW THE SEX OF THE BABY?
97 OH. OH, OH, OH.
98 DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
99 NO, NO, NO.
100 NO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
101 NO. I THINK YOU SHOULDN'T KNOW UNTIL YOU LOOK DOWN THERE
102 AND SEE, OH, THERE IT IS OR ISN'T.
103 OH. HELLO, ROSS.
104 SUSAN.
105 SO...
106 SO DID YOU HEAR?
107 YES, WE DID. EVERYTHING'S A-OKAY.
108 OH. THAT'S SO...
109 IT REALLY IS.
110 DO WE KNOW?
111 WE CERTAINLY DO.
112 IT'S GOING TO BE A...
113 HEY, HO. HELLO.
114 SEE A GUY WHO DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW STANDING HERE.
115 OH.
116 WELL, IS IT WHAT WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE?
117 MM-HMM.
118 ( giggling )
119 HEY.
120 WHAT...
121 WHAT DID WE THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE?
122 NO, NO, NO.
123 I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
124 DON'T WANT TO KNOW
125 YOU KNOW, I SHOULD PROBABLY JUST GO.
126 THANKS FOR THE BOOKS.
127 NO PROBLEM.
128 OKAY.
129 OH.
130 SUSAN.
131 ALL RIGHT, WHO SHOULD WE CALL FIRST?
132 YOUR FOLKS OR DEB AND RONA?
133 ( buzzing )
134 HELLO.
135 Ross: Uh... never mind.
136 I don't want to know.
137 JUST BECAUSE IT WAS MY TABLE
138 I HAVE TO BUY A NEW ONE?
139 THAT'S THE RULE.
140 WHAT RULE? THERE'S NO RULE.
141 IF ANYTHING, YOU OWE ME A TABLE.
142 HOW'D YOU GET THERE?
143 I BELIEVE IT WAS FINE
144 UNTIL YOUR BREAKFAST ADVENTURE WITH ANGELA DELVECCHIO.
145 YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT?
146 THE IMPRESSIONS YOU MADE IN THE BUTTER
147 LEFT LITTLE TO THE IMAGINATION.
148 OKAY, OKAY.
149 HOW ABOUT IF WE SPLIT IT?
150 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? LIKE, BUY IT TOGETHER?
151 YEAH.
152 YOU THINK WE'RE READY FOR THAT?
153 WHY NOT?
154 IT'S A BIG COMMITMENT.
155 WHAT IF ONE OF US MOVES OUT?
156 WHY? ARE YOU MOVING OUT?
157 I'M NOT MOVING OUT.
158 YOU'D TELL ME IF YOU WERE?
159 YES, YES. IT'S JUST MY LAST ROOMMATE, KIP...
160 I KNOW ALL ABOUT KIP.
161 WE BOUGHT A HIBACHI TOGETHER
162 AND THEN HE RAN OFF AND GOT MARRIED.
163 LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
164 WAS KIP A BETTER ROOMMATE THAN ME?
165 OH, DON'T DO THAT?
166 A COUPLE CHANGES IN YOUR SCHEDULE.
167 YOUR 4:00 HERBAL MASSAGE HAS BEEN PUSHED BACK TO 4:30
168 AND MISS SOMERFELD CANCELED HER 5:30 SHIATSU.
169 OKAY. THANKS.
170 OH, HERE COMES YOUR 3:00.
171 I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND UNPROFESSIONAL, BUT... YUM.
172 BUON GIORNO, BELLA PEEBIE.
173 OH. PAOLO.
174 HI. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
175 UH... RACQUELA TELL ME...
176 YOU MASSAGE.
177 WELL, RACQUELA'S RIGHT.
178 YEAH.
179 ( speaking Italian )
180 OH. OKAY.
181 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID.
182 UH...
183 I AM, UH... BEING NAKED?
184 THAT'S REALLY YOUR DECISION.
185 I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE PREFER, YOU KNOW
186 TO TAKE OFF... WHOOPS.
187 YOU'RE BEING NAKED.
188 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
189 I COULDN'T NOT KNOW.
190 IF THE DOCTOR KNOWS
191 AND CAROL KNOWS AND SUSAN KNOWS...
192 AND MONICA KNOWS.
193 HOW COULD YOU KNOW? I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
194 CAROL CALLED TO THANK ME FOR THE LASAGNA.
195 I ASKED. SHE TOLD ME.
196 SO WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?
197 OH.
198 GREAT.
199 NOW HE KNOWS AND I DON'T KNOW.
200 I'M JUST EXCITED ABOUT BEING AN AUNT.
201 OR AN UNCLE.
202 HEY, PHOEBE.
203 HI, PHEEBS.
204 FINE.
205 PHOEBE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
206 NOTHING. I'M SORRY.
207 I'M OUT OF SORTS.
208 Woman: COULD WE GET SOME CAPPUCCINO?
209 OH, RIGHT. THAT'S ME.
210 HEY, CHANDLER, THAT TABLE PLACE CLOSES AT 7:00.
211 COME ON.
212 FINE.
213 PHOEBE, WHAT IS IT?
214 ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW PAOLO?
215 I'M FAMILIAR WITH HIS WORK. YES.
216 WELL, HE MADE A MOVE ON ME.
217 WHOA, STORE WILL BE OPEN TOMORROW.
218 COULD WE GET SOME COFFEE?
219 WHAT HAPPENED?
220 HE CAME IN FOR A MASSAGE
221 AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE UNTIL...
222 OH, MY GOD.
223 ARE YOU SURE?
224 OH, YEAH, I'M SURE.
225 AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
226 HIS HANDS WEREN'T THE PROBLEM ANYMORE.
227 WAS IT..?
228 OH, BOY SCOUTS COULD HAVE CAMPED UNDER THERE.
229 OOH... OOH...
230 "OOH," WHAT?
231 UMA THURMAN.
232 THE ACTRESS.
233 ( all talking )
234 THANKS, RACH.
235 SO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
236 YOU HAVE TO TELL HER.
237 IT'S YOUR MORAL OBLIGATION AS A FRIEND.
238 AS A WOMAN, I THINK IT'S A FEMINIST ISSUE.
239 GUYS? GUYS?
240 OH, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO TELL HER.
241 FEMINIST ISSUE. THAT'S WHERE I WENT.
242 SHE IS GOING TO HATE ME.
243 YEAH, WELL...
244 WILL YOU PICK ONE?
245 JUST PICK ONE.
246 HERE, HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?
247 THAT'S PATIO FURNITURE.
248 LIKE, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO COME IN
249 AND THINK "UH-OH, I'M OUTSIDE AGAIN."
250 WHAT ABOUT THE BIRDS?
251 I DON'T KNOW.
252 BIRDS JUST DON'T SAY "HELLO, SIT HERE
253 EAT SOMETHING."
254 YOU PICK ONE.
255 ALL RIGHT.
256 HOW ABOUT THE LADYBUGS?
257 SO FORGET ABOUT THE BIRDS
258 BUT BIG, RED INSECTS SUGGEST FINE DINING.
259 FINE, YOU WANT THE BIRDS, GET THE BIRDS.
260 NOT LIKE THAT, I WON'T.
261 KIP WOULD HAVE LIKED THE BIRDS.
262 HEY.
263 HI, PHEEBS.
264 ARE YOU MOVING OUT?
265 NO, THESE AREN'T ALL MY SUITCASES.
266 THIS ONE'S PAULO'S.
267 UM, UM, RACHEL, CAN WE TALK FOR A SEC?
268 SURE. JUST FOR A SEC THOUGH
269 'CAUSE PAOLO'S ON HIS WAY OVER.
270 OH..!
271 OKAY. UM...
272 OKAY. UM...
273 OH, PHEEBS...
274 UM... WE HAVEN'T KNOWN EACH OTHER
275 FOR THAT LONG A TIME, AND, UM, THERE ARE THREE THINGS
276 THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME.
277 ONE, MY FRIENDS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE.
278 TWO, I NEVER LIE...
279 AND THREE, I MAKE THE BEST OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES
280 IN THE WORLD.
281 OKAY...
282 THANKS, PHEEBS.
283 OH, MY GOD!
284 I KNOW.
285 WHY HAVE I NEVER TASTED THESE BEFORE?
286 OH, I DON'T MAKE THEM A LOT BECAUSE I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR
287 TO THE OTHER COOKIES.
288 ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT.
289 THESE ARE THE BEST OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES
290 I'VE EVER HAD.
291 WHICH PROVES THAT I NEVER LIE.
292 I GUESS YOU DON'T.
293 PAOLO MADE A PASS AT ME.
294 SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
295 I THINK IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL TABLE
296 I'VE EVER SEEN.
297 I KNOW.
298 SO, YOU GOING TO BALANCE THE PLATES
299 ON THESE LITTLE GUYS' HEADS?
300 WHO CARES? WE'LL EAT AT THE SINK.
301 HEADS UP, ROSS.
302 SCORE!
303 YOU SUCK.
304 ARE YOU OKAY?
305 I NEED SOME MILK.
306 OKAY. I'VE GOT MILK.
307 HERE YOU GO. OH.
308 BETTER?
309 NO.
310 OH, I FEEL SO STUPID!
311 I THINK ABOUT THE OTHER DAY WITH YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW
312 AND I WAS ALL "OH, PAOLO, HE'S SO GREAT!
313 HE MAKES ME FEEL SO..."
314 OH! GOD.
315 I'M SO EMBARRASSED.
316 I'M SO EMBARRASSED.
317 I'M THE ONE HE HIT ON.
318 PHOEBE, IF I HAD NEVER MET HIM
319 THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED.
320 I'M SO SORRY.
321 NO, I'M SORRY.
322 NO, I'M SORRY! NO, I'M SORRY!
323 OH, WAIT. OH...
324 WHAT ARE WE SORRY ABOUT?
325 I DON'T KNOW.
326 RIGHT. HE'S THE PIG.
327 SUCH A PIG.
328 OH, GOD, HE'S SUCH A PIG!
329 HE'S LIKE A BIG, DISGUSTING PIG...
330 PIG MAN.
331 YES, GOOD. OKAY.
332 BUT HE WAS MY PIG MAN.
333 HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS?
334 OH, I KNOW!
335 BECAUSE... HE'S GORGEOUS
336 AND HE'S CHARMING
337 AND WHEN HE LOOKS AT YOU...
338 OKAY, OKAY, PHEEBS.
339 THE END.
340 OH, GOD.
341 SHOULD I NOT HAVE TOLD YOU?
342 NO. NO, TRUST ME.
343 IT'S, IT'S, IT'S MUCH BETTER THAT I KNOW.
344 UH, I JUST LIKED IT BETTER BEFORE IT WAS BETTER.
345 I THINK SHE TOOK IT PRETTY WELL.
346 YOU KNOW, PAOLO'S OVER THERE RIGHT NOW, SO...
347 WE SHOULD GET OVER THERE AND SEE IF SHE'S OKAY.
348 JUST ONE... SECOND.
349 SCORE!
350 COME ON.
351 AH... OOH!
352 WELL, LOOKS LIKE, UH, WE KICKED YOUR BUTTS.
353 SHE KICKED OUR BUTTS.
354 YOU COULD BE ON THE OLYMPIC STANDING-THERE TEAM.
355 COME ON, TWO ON ONE.
356 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
357 SHE JUST BROKE UP WITH THE GUY.
358 IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO SWOOP IN.
359 WHAT, NOW?
360 YES, NOW IS WHEN YOU SWOOP.
361 YOU GOT TO MAKE SURE
362 THAT WHEN PAOLO WALKS OUT OF THERE
363 THE FIRST GUY RACHEL SEES IS YOU.
364 SHE'S GOT TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE
365 EVERYTHING HE'S NOT.
366 YOU'RE LIKE... THE ANTI-PAOLO.
367 MY CATHOLIC FRIEND IS RIGHT.
368 SHE'S DISTRAUGHT.
369 YOU'RE THERE FOR HER.
370 YOU PICK UP THE PIECES, AND THEN, YOU USHER IN
371 THE AGE OF ROSS.
372 NO, THAT'S COLD, THAT'S COLD.
373 HOW'S IT GOING?
374 DON'T STARE.
375 SHE JUST FINISHED
376 THROWING HIS CLOTHES OFF THE BALCONY.
377 NOW THERE'S JUST A LOT OF GESTURING.
378 OKAY, THAT IS EITHER "HOW COULD YOU?"
379 OR "ENORMOUS BREASTS."
380 HERE HE COMES.
381 UH, I AM, UH, TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
382 OH, OKAY, BYE-BYE.
383 PAOLO, I REALLY HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO RACHEL
384 BUT I STILL HAVE FIVE OF THESE
385 SO HEAT IT AT 375 UNTIL THE CHEESE BUBBLES.
386 GRAZIE.
387 PAOLO, I-I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU
388 AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE
389 WHEN I SAY...
390 OH, JUST LOOK AT HER.
391 YOU GUYS, I THINK
392 ONLY ONE OF US SHOULD GO OUT THERE
393 SO SHE'S NOT OVERWHELMED.
394 OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
395 AND I REALLY THINK IT SHOULD BE ME.
396 HEY.
397 HEY.
398 YOU ALL RIGHT?
399 OH... I'VE BEEN BETTER.
400 ( sighing )
401 COME HERE.
402 LISTEN, YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM.
403 YOU KNOW? I MEAN, YOU, YOU...
404 YOU SHOULD BE WITH A GUY WHO KNOWS WHAT HE HAS
405 WHEN HE HAS YOU.
406 OH, ROSS.
407 WHAT?
408 I'M SO SICK OF GUYS.
409 I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT ANOTHER GUY.
410 I DON'T WANT TO THINK
411 ABOUT ANOTHER GUY.
412 I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE NEAR
413 ANOTHER GUY.
414 HUH.
415 OH, ROSS YOU'RE SO GREAT.
416 OH...
417 HEY, HONEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
418 ARE YOU OKAY?
419 MEDIUM.
420 ANY COOKIES LEFT? YEAH.
421 SEE, RACH, UM, SEE, I DON'T THINK
422 THAT SWEARING OFF GUYS ALTOGETHER IS THE ANSWER.
423 I REALLY DON'T.
424 I THINK WHAT YOU NEED
425 IS TO DEVELOP A MORE SOPHISTICATED SCREENING PROCESS.
426 NO, I JUST NEED TO BE BY MYSELF
427 FOR AWHILE, YOU KNOW?
428 I JUST GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I WANT.
429 UH, NO, NO.
430 SEE, BECAUSE NOT... NOT ALL GUYS OUT THERE
431 ARE GOING TO BE A PAOLO.
432 NO, I KNOW.
433 I KNOW, AND I'M SURE YOUR LITTLE BOY
434 IS NOT GOING TO GROW UP TO BE ONE.
435 WHAT?
436 WHAT?
437 I-I'M, I'M HAVING A BOY?
438 UH... NO.
439 NO, NO, IN FACT, YOU'RE NOT HAVING A BOY.
440 I'M HAVING, I'M HAVING A BOY.
441 ( babbling )
442 HUH? AM I HAVING A BOY?
443 ( all yelling )
444 I'M HAVING A BOY!
445 OH, I'M HAVING A BOY!
446 Both: WHAT IS IT?
447 I'M HAVING A BOY!
448 I-I'M HAVING A BOY.
449 HEY! HEY!
450 WE ALREADY KNEW THAT. WE ALREADY KNEW THAT.
451 I'M HAVING A SON.
452 UM...
453 YES! AND THAT WOULD BE A SHUT-DOWN.
454 SHUT-OUT! SHUT-OUT!
455 WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?
456 COME ON, ONE MORE GAME.
457 IT'S 2:30 IN THE MORNING.
458 YEAH. GET OUT.
459 YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS HANGING OUT IN MY APARTMENT.
460 COME ON, I'LL ONLY USE MY LEFT HAND, HUH?
461 COME ON, WUSSIES.
462 ALL RIGHT, OKAY, I GOT TO GO.
463 I'M GOING.
464 AND I'M GONE.
465 ONE MORE GAME? OH, YEAH.
466

S01E13

1 ( both screaming )
2 I'M SORRY.
3 THAT IS IT!
4 YOU JUST BARGE IN HERE.
5 YOU DON'T KNOCK.
6 RACHEL, WAIT.
7 NO! YOU WAIT!
8 CAN I JUST SAY ONE THING?
9 WHAT?! WHAT?!
10 THAT'S A RELATIVELY OPEN WEAVE
11 AND I CAN STILL SEE YOUR...
12 NIPPULAR AREA.
13 OH!
14 I'M SORRY.
15 I COULD.
16 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
17 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
18 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
19 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
20 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
21 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
22 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
23 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
24 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
25 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
26 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
27 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
28 TELL THEM THE STORY ABOUT YOUR PATIENT
29 WHO THINKS THINGS ARE LIKE OTHER THINGS
30 YOU KNOW?
31 LIKE WHEN THE PHONE RINGS AND SHE TAKES A SHOWER.
32 THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.
33 OOPS.
34 BUT YOU TELL IT REALLY WELL, SWEETIE.
35 THANKS.
36 OKAY.
37 NOW GO AWAY SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT YOU.
38 OKAY. I'LL MISS YOU.
39 ISN'T HE GREAT?
40 HE'S SO CUTE.
41 HE SEEMS TO LIKE YOU SO MUCH.
42 I KNOW. I KNOW.
43 HE'S SO SWEET, OH, AND SO COMPLICATED, YOU KNOW.
44 AND FOR A SHRINK, HE'S NOT TOO SHRINKY.
45 SO YOU THINK YOU'LL DO IT ON HIS COUCH?
46 I DON'T KNOW.
47 I DON'T KNOW.
48 I THINK THAT'S A LITTLE WEIRD.
49 IT'S VINYL.
50 OKAY. YOU GUYS WANT ANYTHING ELSE?
51 COULD I HAVE..?
52 NO. WE'RE ALL OUT OF THOSE.
53 ANYBODY ELSE?
54 DID IT MISS SOMETHING BETWEEN..?
55 NO. SHE'S STILL UPSET BECAUSE I SAW HER BOOBIES.
56 WHAT WERE YOU DOING SEEING HER BOOBIES?
57 IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
58 I WASN'T ACROSS THE STREET WITH A TELESCOPE AND DOUGHNUTS.
59 Rachel: OKAY, OKAY.
60 COULD WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT, PLEASE?
61 YEAH. 'CAUSE, HELLO, THESE ARE NOT HER BOOBIES.
62 THESE ARE HER BREASTS.
63 OKAY, PHEEBS.
64 I WAS HOPING FOR MORE OF A CHANGE.
65 I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO EMBARRASSED.
66 THEY WERE VERY NICE BOOBIES.
67 NICE?
68 THEY WERE NICE?
69 I MEAN, THAT'S IT.
70 I MEAN, MITTENS ARE NICE.
71 OKAY.
72 ROCK.
73 HARD PLACE.
74 ME.
75 ( Roger laughing )
76 YOU'RE... YOU'RE...
77 YOU'RE SO FUNNY.
78 HE'S REALLY FUNNY.
79 OF COURSE, I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE THERE
80 WHEN THE LAUGHTER STOPS.
81 WHOA, WHOA. BACK UP THERE, SPARKY.
82 WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?
83 IT JUST SEEMS AS THOUGH
84 THAT MAYBE YOU HAVE INTIMACY ISSUES--
85 THAT YOU USE YOUR HUMOR
86 AS A WAY OF KEEPING
87 PEOPLE AT A DISTANCE.
88 HUH.
89 I JUST MET YOU. I DON'T KNOW YOU FROM ADAM.
90 ONLY CHILD, RIGHT?
91 PARENTS DIVORCED BEFORE YOU HIT PUBERTY.
92 UH-HUH.
93 HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
94 IT'S TEXTBOOK.
95 HEY, YOU GUYS.
96 YOU ALL KNOW MY DAD.
97 HEY, HOW LONG YOU IN THE CITY?
98 A COUPLE OF DAYS. I GOT A JOB MIDTOWN.
99 STAYING WITH THE KID IS BETTER
100 THAN HAULING MY ASS BACK AND FORTH ON A FERRY.
101 I DON'T KNOW THIS ONE.
102 OH. THIS IS MY FRIEND ROGER.
103 HI.
104 HEY, GOOD TO MEET YOU, ROGER.
105 WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PUPPET GUY?
106 DAD.
107 OH, OH. EXCUSE ME.
108 SO, ROSS, HOW'S THE WIFE?
109 ( moans )
110 "O" FOR TWO, HUH?
111 CHANDLER, QUICK, SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.
112 I GOT TO GO.
113 MISS YOU TOO.
114 I LOVE YOU, BUT IT'S GETTING REAL LATE.
115 LET ME SAY HI.
116 HEY, MA, LISTEN.
117 I MADE THE APPOINTMENT WITH DR. BOZITA AND...
118 EXCUSE ME.
119 DID YOU KNOW THIS ISN'T MA?
120 HER NAME'S RONNI.
121 SHE'S A PET MORTICIAN.
122 SURE.
123 SO HOW LONG YOU BEEN..?
124 REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE
125 I USED TO TAKE YOU TO THE NAVY YARD?
126 SINCE THEN?
127 NO. IT'S ONLY BEEN SIX YEARS.
128 I JUST WANTED TO PUT A NICE MEMORY IN YOUR HEAD
129 SO YOU'D KNOW I WASN'T ALWAYS
130 SUCH A TERRIBLE GUY.
131 JOE, YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
132 I DON'T KNOW.
133 THEN YOU HAVEN'T.
134 YOU'RE BURNING YOUR TOMATOES.
135 YOU'RE ONE TO TALK.
136 JOE, YOUR DAD'S IN LOVE BIG TIME
137 AND THE WORST PART OF IT IS
138 IT'S WITH TWO DIFFERENT WOMEN.
139 OH, MAN, PLEASE TELL ME ONE OF THEM IS MA.
140 OF COURSE.
141 OF COURSE ONE OF THEM'S MA.
142 WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
143 IT'S LIKE IF YOU WOKE UP ONE DAY
144 AND FOUND OUT YOUR DAD WAS LEADING THIS DOUBLE LIFE.
145 HE'S, LIKE, ACTUALLY SOME SPY WORKING FOR THE C.I.A.
146 THAT WOULD BE COOL.
147 THIS BLOWS.
148 YEAH. I KNOW.
149 WHY CAN'T PARENTS JUST STAY PARENTS?
150 WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BECOME PEOPLE?
151 WHY DO THEY HAVE..?
152 WHY...
153 CAN'T YOU STOP STARING AT MY BREASTS?
154 WHAT?
155 WHAT?
156 DID YOU NOT GET
157 A GOOD ENOUGH LOOK THE OTHER DAY?
158 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
159 WE'RE ALL ADULTS HERE.
160 THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO RESOLVE THIS.
161 SINCE YOU SAW HER BOOBIES
162 I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
163 TO SHOW HER YOUR PEE-PEE.
164 YOU KNOW, I DON'T SEE THAT HAPPENING.
165 COME ON. HE'S RIGHT.
166 TIT FOR TAT.
167 WELL, I'M NOT SHOWING YOU MY TAT.
168 ( intercom buzzing )
169 HELLO.
170 It's Phoebe.
171 Rog: And Rog.
172 COME ON UP.
173 OH, GOOD.
174 ROG IS HERE.
175 WHAT'S WRONG WITH ROG?
176 AH, IT'S NOTHING.
177 IT'S A LITTLE THING.
178 I HATE THAT GUY.
179 SO HE WAS A LITTLE ANALYTICAL.
180 THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.
181 COME ON. HE'S NOT THAT BAD.
182 THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
183 WHY WOULD I MARRY HER
184 IF I THOUGHT ON ANY LEVEL THAT SHE WAS A LESBIAN?
185 I DON'T KNOW.
186 MAYBE YOU WANTED YOUR MARRIAGE TO FAIL.
187 WHY?
188 WHY WOULD I?
189 WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?
190 I DON'T KNOW.
191 MAYBE...
192 MAYBE LOW SELF-ESTEEM.
193 MAYBE TO COMPENSATE FOR OVERSHADOWING A SIBLING.
194 WAIT. GO BACK TO THAT SIBLING THING.
195 WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
196 IT'S CONCEIVABLE
197 THAT YOU WANTED TO SABOTAGE YOUR MARRIAGE
198 SO THAT THE SIBLING WOULD FEEL LIKE
199 LESS OF A FAILURE IN THE EYES OF THE PARENTS.
200 ( squeaks in disbelief )
201 THAT'S... THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
202 I DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR HER FAILURES.
203 SO YOU THINK I'M A FAILURE.
204 ISN'T HE GOOD?
205 YEAH.
206 NO, NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS SAYING.
207 I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE
208 BUT MAYBE YOU SUCKED UP TO MOM AND DAD
209 SO THEY'D KEEP LIKING YOU BETTER.
210 I MARRIED A LESBIAN TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD!
211 ( voice quavering ): YOU'RE RIGHT.
212 I MEAN, YOU'RE RIGHT.
213 IT WASN'T JUST THE WEEBLES
214 BUT IT WAS THE WEEBLE PLAY PALACE
215 AND...
216 AND THE WEEBLES CRUISE SHIP--
217 OH, WHICH HAD THIS LITTLE LIFEBOAT
218 FOR THE WEEBLES TO WOBBLE IN.
219 THAT'S TOUGH, TOUGH STUFF.
220 IF WE'RE GOING TO THAT MOVIE, WE GOT TO GO.
221 OKAY. FEEL BETTER, RACHEL, OKAY?
222 PHEEBS, WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
223 LISTEN, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, MON.
224 NO PROBLEM.
225 LISTEN, GUYS, IT WAS GREAT SEEING YOU AGAIN.
226 YEAH.
227 MON, EASY ON THOSE COOKIES, OKAY?
228 REMEMBER, THEY'RE JUST FOOD.
229 THEY'RE NOT LOVE.
230 I HATE THAT GUY.
231 Joey: GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS.
232 OH, LOOK.
233 IT'S THE WOMAN WE ORDERED.
234 HEY. CAN WE HELP YOU?
235 AW, NO, THANKS.
236 I'M JUST WAITING FOR JOEY TRIBBIANI.
237 I'M JOEY TRIBBIANI.
238 OH, NO, NOT YOU.
239 BIG JOEY.
240 OH, MY GOD.
241 YOU'RE SO MUCH CUTER THAN YOUR PICTURES.
242 I'M RONNI.
243 CHEESE NIP.
244 UH... JOEY'S HAVING AN EMBOLISM
245 BUT I'D GO FOR A NIP.
246 YOU SEE, MOST PEOPLE, WHEN THEIR PETS PASS ON
247 THEY WANT THEM LAID OUT LIKE THEY'RE SLEEPING.
248 OCCASIONALLY, YOU GET YOUR PERSON WHO WANTS THEM IN A POSE
249 LIKE, AH, CHASING THEIR TAIL...
250 OR JUMPING TO CATCH A FRISBEE.
251 JOEY, IF I GO FIRST
252 I WANT TO BE LOOKING FOR MY KEYS.
253 THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
254 HEY, JOE.
255 DAD. RONNI'S HERE.
256 HUH?
257 HI.
258 HEY.
259 HELLO, BABE.
260 WHAT ARE...
261 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
262 WELL, YOU LEFT YOUR GOOD HAIR AT MY APARTMENT.
263 I FIGURED YOU'D NEED IT TOMORROW FOR YOUR MEETING.
264 THANK YOU.
265 SO, WHO'S UP FOR A BIG GAME OF KERPLUNK?
266 LOOK, I, UH... I SHOULDN'T HAVE COME.
267 I BETTER GET GOING.
268 I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE LAST TRAIN.
269 I DON'T WANT
270 YOU TAKING THAT THING THIS LATE.
271 DO I STAY HERE?
272 WHOA-HO.
273 WE'LL GO TO A HOTEL.
274 WE'LL GO TO A HOTEL.
275 NO, YOU WON'T.
276 NO, WE WON'T.
277 IF YOU GO TO A HOTEL
278 YOU'LL BE... DOING STUFF.
279 I WANT YOU HERE
280 WHERE I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
281 YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP AN EYE ON US?
282 THAT'S RIGHT, AND I DON'T CARE HOW OLD YOU ARE.
283 AS LONG AS YOU'RE UNDER MY ROOF
284 YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE BY MY RULES.
285 AND THAT MEANS NO SLEEPING WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
286 WOW. HE'S STRICT.
287 NOW, DAD, YOU'LL BE IN MY ROOM.
288 RONNI, YOU CAN STAY IN CHANDLER'S ROOM.
289 THANKS. YOU'RE, UH... YOU'RE A GOOD KID.
290 COME ON.
291 I'LL SHOW YOU TO MY ROOM.
292 THAT SOUNDS SO WEIRD WHEN IT'S NOT FOLLOWED BY
293 "NO, THANKS. IT'S LATE."
294 OKAY, NOW THIS IS JUST FOR TONIGHT.
295 TOMORROW, YOU GOT TO MAKE A CHANGE.
296 SIX YEARS IS LONG ENOUGH.
297 WHAT CHANGE?
298 BREAK IT OFF WITH RONNI...
299 I CAN'T.
300 THEN YOU GOT TO TELL MA.
301 THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
302 BUT...
303 I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
304 NOW GO TO MY ROOM.
305 HEY, KICKY...
306 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
307 JUST TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE.
308 I CAN'T SLEEP IN MY UNDERWEAR.
309 WELL, YOU'RE GONNA.
310 I'VE BEEN THINKING.
311 YOU KNOW, ABOUT HOW I'M ALWAYS SEEING
312 GIRLS ON TOP OF GIRLS.
313 ARE THEY END-TO-END OR TALL LIKE PANCAKES?
314 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
315 I'M ALWAYS GOING OUT WITH ALL THESE WOMEN.
316 I ALWAYS FIGURED WHEN THE RIGHT ONE COMES ALONG
317 I'D BE A STAND-UP GUY AND GO THE DISTANCE.
318 NOW I'M LOOKING AT MY DAD THINKING...
319 YOU'RE YOU.
320 WHEN THEY WERE ALL OVER YOU
321 TO GO INTO YOUR FATHER'S PIPE- FITTING BUSINESS, DID YOU CAVE?
322 NO.
323 NO. YOU DECIDED TO GO INTO THE OUT-OF-WORK ACTOR BUSINESS
324 AND THAT WASN'T EASY, BUT YOU DID IT
325 AND I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT WHEN
326 THE RIGHT WOMAN COMES ALONG, YOU WILL HAVE THE COURAGE
327 AND THE GUTS TO SAY, "NO, THANKS. I'M MARRIED."
328 YOU REALLY THINK SO?
329 YEAH, I REALLY DO.
330 THANKS, CHANDLER.
331 GET OFF.
332 ( knocking )
333 HI. HI.
334 MAY I HELP YOU?
335 YEAH. JOEY SAID I COULD USE YOUR SHOWER
336 SINCE CHANDLER'S IN OURS.
337 OKAY... WHO ARE YOU?
338 OH! I'M RONNI.
339 RONNI RAPPELANO.
340 THE MISTRESS.
341 UM, COME ON IN.
342 OH, THANKS.
343 I'M RACHEL. HI.
344 BATHROOM'S UP THERE.
345 HOW LONG WOULD YOU SAY CHANDLER'S BEEN IN THE SHOWER?
346 OH, LIKE, UH, FIVE MINUTES.
347 ( under breath ): PERFECT.
348 FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS.
349 IT'S PEE-PEE TIME.
350 HEY, MR. TRIB.
351 HEY. GOOD MORNING, DEAR.
352 CHANDLER BING, IT'S TIME TO SEE YOUR THING.
353 ( both scream )
354 Joey: WHAT'S THE MATTER
355 WITH YOU?!
356 I THOUGHT IT WAS CHANDLER!
357 YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THERE
358 SO I COULD SEE YOUR THING!
359 SORRY. MY THING WAS IN THERE WITH ME.
360 HEY, PHEEBS. HEY, PHEEBS.
361 HOW'S IT GOING?
362 GOOD. ROGER'S HAVING A DINNER THING
363 AND HE WANTED ME TO INVITE YOU GUYS.
364 ( faint laugh )
365 SO WHAT'S GOING ON?
366 NOTHING. IT'S, UM...
367 IT'S JUST, UH...
368 IT'S ROGER.
369 UM...
370 THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT...
371 BASICALLY, WE JUST FEEL THAT HE'S, UH...
372 WE HATE THAT GUY.
373 WE HATE HIM.
374 WE'RE SORRY, PHEEBS.
375 UH-HUH, OKAY.
376 DON'T YOU THINK MAYBE, THOUGH, THAT IT'S JUST
377 THAT HE'S SO PERCEPTIVE THAT IT FREAKED YOU OUT?
378 All: NO, WE HATE HIM.
379 I'M SORRY.
380 ( knocking )
381 MA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
382 I CAME TO GIVE YOU THIS
383 AND THIS!
384 OW! BIG RING.
385 WHY DID YOU FILL YOUR FATHER'S HEAD
386 WITH ALL THAT GARBAGE ABOUT MAKING THINGS RIGHT?
387 THINGS WERE FINE
388 THE WAY THEY WERE.
389 THERE'S CHICKEN IN THERE.
390 PUT IT AWAY.
391 FOR GOD'S SAKE, JOEY.
392 REALLY!
393 HOLD ON.
394 YOU KNEW?
395 OF COURSE I KNEW!
396 WHAT DO YOU THINK?
397 YOUR FATHER IS NO JAMES BOND.
398 YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD SOME OF HIS COVER STORIES.
399 "I'M SLEEPING OVER AT MY ACCOUNTANT'S."
400 I MEAN, WHAT IS THAT?
401 PLEASE!
402 SO, THEN, HOW COULD YOU..?
403 DO YOU REMEMBER HOW YOUR FATHER USED TO BE?
404 ALWAYS YELLING. ALWAYS YELLING.
405 NOTHING MADE HIM HAPPY.
406 NOTHING MADE HIM HAPPY, NOTHING.
407 NOT THAT WOOD SHOP
408 NOT THOSE STUPID LITTLE SHIPS IN THE BOTTLE--
409 NOTHING. NOW HE'S HAPPY.
410 IT'S NICE. HE HAS A HOBBY.
411 MA, I DON'T MEAN TO BE DISRESPECTFUL, BUT...
412 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
413 WHAT ABOUT YOU?
414 ME? I'M FINE.
415 LOOK, HONEY...
416 IN AN IDEAL WORLD, THERE'D BE NO HER
417 AND YOUR FATHER WOULD LOOK LIKE STING.
418 AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE--
419 EVER SINCE THAT POODLE STUFFER CAME ALONG
420 HE'S BEEN SO ASHAMED OF HIMSELF
421 THAT HE'S BEEN MORE ATTENTIVE.
422 HE'S BEEN MORE LOVING.
423 IT'S LIKE EVERY DAY'S OUR ANNIVERSARY.
424 I'M... HAPPY FOR YOU?
425 WELL, DON'T BE.
426 BECAUSE NOW EVERYTHING'S SCREWED UP.
427 I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT WAS.
428 MA, I'M SORRY.
429 I... I JUST DID WHAT I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT.
430 I KNOW YOU DID, COOKIE.
431 OH, I KNOW YOU DID.
432 SO TELL ME...
433 DID YOU SEE HER?
434 YEAH.
435 HMM.
436 YOU'RE TEN TIMES PRETTIER THAN SHE IS.
437 THAT'S SWEET.
438 COULD I TAKE HER?
439 HUH... WITH THIS RING?
440 NO CONTEST.
441 Roger: WHAT'S WRONG, SWEETIE?
442 NOTHING. NOTHING.
443 WHAT'S WRONG? COME ON.
444 OH, OKAY.
445 I MEAN, IT'S NOTHING.
446 I'M FINE.
447 IT'S JUST, UM... IT'S MY FRIENDS.
448 THEY HAVE A LIKING PROBLEM WITH YOU
449 IN THAT, UM, THEY DON'T.
450 OH. THEY DON'T?
451 BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T SEE
452 ALL THE WONDERFULNESS THAT I SEE.
453 THEY DON'T SEE ALL THE GOOD STUFF
454 AND ALL THE SWEET STUFF.
455 THEY THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE...
456 WHAT?
457 INTENSE AND CREEPY.
458 OH.
459 BUT I DON'T.
460 ME, PHOEBE.
461 WELL, I'M NOT AT ALL SURPRISED
462 THEY FEEL THAT WAY.
463 YOU'RE NOT? SEE, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SO GREAT.
464 ACTUALLY, IT'S QUITE TYPICAL BEHAVIOR WHEN YOU HAVE
465 THIS KIND OF DYSFUNCTIONAL GROUP DYNAMIC.
466 YOU KNOW, THIS KIND OF CO- DEPENDENT, EMOTIONALLY STUNTED
467 SITTING IN YOUR STUPID COFFEE HOUSE
468 WITH YOUR STUPID BIG CUPS
469 WHICH, I'M SORRY, MIGHT AS WELL HAVE NIPPLES ON THEM
470 AND YOU'RE ALL, LIKE
471 ( whining ): "OH, DEFINE ME!
472 "DEFINE ME!
473 LOVE ME! I NEED LOVE!"
474 SO YOU TALKED TO YOUR DAD, HUH?
475 HE'S GOING TO KEEP CHEATING ON MY MA LIKE SHE WANTED
476 MY MA'S GOING TO KEEP PRETENDING SHE DOESN'T KNOW
477 AND MY LITTLE SISTER, TINA, CAN'T SEE HER HUSBAND
478 'CAUSE HE GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER.
479 WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING
480 EXCEPT THAT I FOUND OUT TODAY.
481 THINGS SURE HAVE CHANGED
482 HERE ON WALTON'S MOUNTAIN.
483 SO, JOE, ARE YOU OKAY?
484 YEAH, I GUESS.
485 IT'S JUST... YOU KNOW, THEY'RE PARENTS.
486 AFTER A CERTAIN POINT, YOU GOT TO LET GO
487 EVEN IF YOU KNOW BETTER
488 YOU GOT TO LET THEM MAKE THEIR OWN MISTAKES.
489 AND JUST THINK, IN A COUPLE OF YEARS
490 WE GET TO TURN INTO THEM.
491 IF I TURN INTO MY PARENTS, I'LL EITHER BE
492 AN ALCOHOLIC BLONDE CHASING AFTER 20-YEAR-OLD BOYS OR...
493 I'LL END UP LIKE MY MOM.
494 HEY.
495 All: HEY, PHEEBS.
496 HOW'S IT GOING?
497 OH, OKAY, EXCEPT I BROKE UP WITH ROGER.
498 All: OH.
499 YEAH, RIGHT.
500 NO, NO, NO. REALLY.
501 WHAT HAPPENED?
502 I DON'T KNOW.
503 I MEAN, HE'S A GOOD PERSON AND HE CAN BE REALLY SWEET
504 AND IN SOME WAYS, I THINK HE IS SO RIGHT FOR ME.
505 IT'S JUST... I HATE THAT GUY.
506 HI, JOEY.
507 WHAT'S GOING ON?
508 CLEAR THE TRACKS
509 FOR THE BOOBIE PAYBACK EXPRESS.
510 NEXT STOP: RACHEL GREEN.
511 ( both scream )
512 JOEY, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?!
513 SORRY. WRONG BOOBIES.
514 HELLO, JOEY.
515 HUH? HELLO, DEAR.
516

S01E14

1 I'M TELLING YOU, ROSS, SHE WANTS YOU.
2 SHE BARELY KNOWS ME.
3 WE LIVE IN THE SAME BUILDING.
4 ANY CONTACT?
5 SHE LENT ME AN EGG ONCE.
6 YOU'RE IN.
7 OH, RIGHT.
8 HI, ROSS.
9 HI, K-K-K...
10 ( splutters )
11 COME ON, ROSS.
12 YOU GET TO GET BACK IN THE GAME HERE.
13 RACHEL'S NOT HAPPENING
14 AND YOUR EX-WIFE'S A LESBIAN.
15 I DON'T THINK WE NEED A THIRD.
16 EXCUSE ME, COULD WE GET AN EGG OVER HERE
17 STILL IN THE SHELL.
18 AN EGG?
19 YEAH. YOU'RE GOING TO GO UP TO HER AND SAY
20 "HERE'S YOUR EGG BACK.
21 I'M RETURNING YOUR EGG."
22 I THINK IT'S WINNING.
23 I THINK IT'S INSANE.
24 SHE'LL LOVE IT.
25 THANK YOU.
26 THANK YOU.
27 HERE.
28 ( stammering )
29 GO WITH THE EGG, MY FRIEND.
30 GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
31 IS IT GOING TO WORK?
32 NO WAY. IT'S SUICIDE.
33 THE MAN'S GOT AN EGG.
34 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
35 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
36 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
37 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
38 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
39 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
40 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
41 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
42 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
43 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
44 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
45 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
46 YOU CANNOT DO THIS.
47 WHAT? DO WHAT?
48 ROGER WANTS TO TAKE HER OUT
49 TOMORROW NIGHT.
50 DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHY YOU DUMPED HIM?
51 'CAUSE HE WAS CREEPY.
52 AND MEAN, AND A LITTLE FRIGHTENING.
53 STILL, IT'S NICE TO HAVE A DATE ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
54 PHOEBE, YOU CAN GO OUT WITH A CREEPY GUY
55 ANY NIGHT OF THE YEAR.
56 I KNOW I DO.
57 HI.
58 HI. HI.
59 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING TOMORROW NIGHT?
60 TOMORROW NIGHT DEPENDS ON HOW TONIGHT GOES.
61 OH, LISTEN, ABOUT TONIGHT...
62 DON'T YOU DARE
63 BAIL ON ME.
64 SHE'S GOING OUT WITH ME
65 BECAUSE I'M BRINGING A FRIEND FOR HER FRIEND.
66 BUT HER FRIEND SOUNDS LIKE SUCH A...
67 PATHETIC MESS.
68 I KNOW.
69 COME ON, MAN.
70 SHE'S NEEDY, SHE'S VULNERABLE.
71 I'M THINKING... CHA-CHING.
72 THANKS.
73 YOU HAVE NOT BEEN OUT WITH A WOMAN SINCE JANICE.
74 YOU'RE DOING THIS.
75 HI.
76 HI. HI.
77 SHE SAID YES.
78 YES!
79 WAY TO GO, MAN!
80 ( cracking sound )
81 STILL GOT THE EGG, HUH?
82 YEAH.
83 HOW DO I LOOK?
84 UM... I DON'T CARE.
85 THERE'S LORRAINE.
86 OKAY, NOW REMEMBER--
87 NO TRADING.
88 YOU GET THE PRETTY ONE, I GET THE MESS.
89 HI, JOEY.
90 HEY.
91 WELL, WELL, LOOK WHAT YOU BROUGHT.
92 VERY NICE.
93 AND WHAT DID YOU BRING?
94 SHE'S CHECKING HER COAT.
95 JOEY, I'M GOING TO GO WASH THE CAB SMELL OFF MY HANDS.
96 WILL YOU GET ME A WHITE ZINFANDEL
97 AND A GLASS OF RED FOR JANICE.
98 JANICE?
99 NO.
100 JANICE?
101 OH... MY... GOD.
102 HEY, IT'S JANICE.
103 OKAY, I'M MAKING A BREAK FOR IT.
104 I'M GOING OUT THE WINDOW.
105 NO, NO, DON'T.
106 PLEASE, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER
107 TO GO OUT WITH LORRAINE.
108 JUST CALM DOWN.
109 CALM DOWN?
110 YOU SET ME UP WITH A WOMAN I DUMPED TWICE
111 IN THE LAST FIVE MONTHS!
112 HEY, CAN YOU STOP YELLING?
113 YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS AND...
114 I CAN'T GO WHEN I'M NERVOUS.
115 I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT.
116 COME ON! GO! GO! GO!
117 COME ON!
118 OKAY, ROGER WAS CREEPY
119 BUT HE WAS NOTHING
120 COMPARED TO PETE CARNEY.
121 WHICH ONE WAS PETE CARNEY?
122 PETE THE WEEPER?
123 REMEMBER THE GUY THAT USED TO CRY
124 EVERY TIME WE HAD SEX?
125 ( crying ): WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?
126 YEAH, WELL, I'D TAKE A LITTLE CRYING ANY DAY
127 OVER HOWARD THE "I WIN" GUY.
128 I WIN! I WIN!
129 I WENT OUT
130 WITH THE GUY FOR TWO MONTHS.
131 I DIDN'T GET TO WIN ONCE.
132 HOW DO WE END UP WITH THESE JERKS?
133 WE'RE GOOD PEOPLE.
134 I DON'T KNOW.
135 MAYBE WE'RE LIKE SOME KIND OF MAGNETS.
136 I KNOW I AM.
137 THAT'S WHY I CAN'T WEAR A DIGITAL WATCH.
138 THERE'S MORE BEER, RIGHT?
139 OH! YOU KNOW MY FRIEND ABBY WHO SHAVES HER HEAD?
140 SHE SAYS THAT IF YOU WANT TO BREAK
141 THE BAD BOYFRIEND CYCLE
142 YOU CAN DO, LIKE, A CLEANSING RITUAL.
143 PHEEBS, THIS WOMAN IS VOLUNTARILY BALD.
144 YEAH. SO...
145 WE CAN DO IT TOMORROW NIGHT, GUYS.
146 IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY.
147 IT'S PERFECT.
148 OKAY. WELL, WHAT KIND OF RITUAL?
149 OKAY. WE CAN BURN THE STUFF THEY GAVE US.
150 OR...
151 OR... OR WE CAN CHANT AND DANCE AROUND NAKED.
152 YOU KNOW, WITH STICKS.
153 BURNING'S GOOD. BURNING'S GOOD.
154 PLENTY OF STUFF TO BURN.
155 YOU KNOW...
156 EVER SINCE I WAS LITTLE
157 I'VE BEEN ABLE TO PICK UP QUARTERS
158 WITH MY TOES.
159 YEAH?
160 GOOD FOR YOU.
161 UH... QUARTERS OR ROLLS OF QUARTERS?
162 BY THE WAY, CHANDLER...
163 I CUT YOU OUT OF ALL MY PICTURES
164 SO IF YOU WANT, I HAVE A BAG WITH JUST YOUR HEADS.
165 THAT'S OKAY.
166 ARE YOU SURE?
167 BECAUSE YOU COULD MAKE LITTLE PUPPETS OUT OF THEM
168 AND YOU COULD USE THEM IN YOUR THEATER OF CRUELTY.
169 WE CAN'T DO THAT.
170 WHAT? WHAT CAN'T YOU DO?
171 UH... CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND OVER THERE.
172 UH... WE MIGHT BE LEAVING NOW.
173 TELL ME IT'S "YOU AND ME" WE.
174 SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO SLATHER MY BODY WITH STUFF
175 AND THEN LICK IT OFF.
176 I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT SLATHERING IS.
177 BUT I DEFINITELY WANT TO BE A PART OF IT.
178 OKAY, YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME.
179 YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.
180 YOU'RE RIGHT.
181 CAN WE HAVE THREE CHOCOLATE MOUSSES TO GO, PLEASE?
182 I'M OUT OF HERE.
183 LOOK...
184 HERE'S MY CREDIT CARD.
185 DINNER'S ON ME.
186 I'M SORRY, CHANDLER.
187 I HOPE SHE THROWS UP ON YOU.
188 THANKS.
189 SO...
190 JUST US.
191 OH, WHAT A CRAPPY NIGHT.
192 ALTHOUGH... I HAVE ENJOYED THE FACT
193 THAT YOUR SHIRT'S BEEN STICKING OUT
194 OF YOUR ZIPPER EVER SINCE YOU CAME BACK
195 FROM THE BATHROOM.
196 ( laughs )
197 EXCUSE ME.
198 HOW YOU DOING?
199 SO...
200 DO WE HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS OR WHAT?
201 JOEY'S NOT A FRIEND.
202 HE'S...
203 A STUPID MAN WHO LEFT US HIS CREDIT CARD.
204 ANOTHER DRINK? SOME DESSERT? A BIG SCREEN TV?
205 I WILL GO FOR THAT DRINK.
206 YOU GOT IT.
207 GOOD WOMAN?
208 CAN WE GET A BOTTLE
209 OF YOUR MOST OVERPRICED CHAMPAGNE?
210 EACH.
211 THAT'S RIGHT, EACH.
212 OH, AND A ROB ROY.
213 I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW.
214 HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
215 OH, I MISS YOU ALREADY.
216 CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED?
217 NO... NO!
218 AND YET IT DID.
219 GOOD-BYE, JANICE.
220 KISS ME.
221 OH, CHANDLER, SORRY.
222 ( honeyed tones ): OH, CHANDLER, SORRY...
223 HEY, JANICE.
224 HI, MONICA.
225 OKAY, WELL, THIS WAS VERY SPECIAL.
226 RACH, COME SEE WHO'S OUT HERE.
227 WHAT'S GOING...
228 OH, MY GOD.
229 JANICE, HI.
230 HI.
231 JANICE IS GOING TO GO AWAY NOW.
232 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
233 OH...
234 JOEY, LOOK WHO IT IS.
235 WHOA.
236 OH, GOOD, JOEY'S HOME NOW.
237 THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.
238 THIS IS LIKE A REUNION IN THE HALL.
239 ( laughing nasally )
240 OH, HI, ROSS.
241 THERE'S SOMEONE I WANT YOU TO SAY HI TO.
242 HE JUST HAPPENED TO CALL.
243 HELLO, ROSS.
244 YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
245 IT'S ME.
246 HOW DID YOU KNOW?
247 I'M JUST SAYING IF DOGS DO EXPERIENCE JET LAG
248 THEN BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE
249 "SEVEN DOG YEARS TO ONE HUMAN YEAR" THING
250 THAT WHEN A DOG FLIES FROM NEW YORK TO LOS ANGELES
251 HE DOESN'T JUST LOSE THREE HOURS
252 HE LOSES, LIKE, A WEEK AND A HALF.
253 THAT'S FUNNY.
254 YEAH.
255 WHO ARE THEY?
256 THE BLONDE IS MY EX-WIFE
257 AND THE WOMAN
258 TOUCHING HER IS HER
259 CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND.
260 YOU MEAN THEY'RE LOVERS?
261 IF YOU WANT TO PUT A LABEL ON IT.
262 WOW...
263 UH, ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD KNOW?
264 NOPE, NOPE, THAT'S IT.
265 OH, AND SHE'S PREGNANT WITH MY BABY.
266 I ALWAYS FORGET THAT PART.
267 HELLOOO...
268 Phoebe: OKAY, SO NOW WE NEED SAGE BRANCHES
269 AND THE SACRAMENTAL WINE.
270 ALL I HAD IS OREGANO AND A FRESCA.
271 UM... THAT'S OKAY.
272 OOH...
273 OKAY.
274 ALL RIGHT.
275 NOW WE NEED THE SEMEN OF A RIGHTEOUS MAN.
276 OKAY, PHEEBS, YOU KNOW WHAT?
277 IF WE HAD THAT, WE WOULDN'T BE DOING THE RITUAL
278 IN THE FIRST PLACE.
279 CAN WE JUST START THROWING THINGS IN?
280 YEAH, OKAY.
281 OH.
282 OKAY.
283 OKAY, BARRY'S LETTERS.
284 ADAM RITTER'S BOXER SHORTS.
285 AND I HAVE
286 THE RECEIPT FROM MY DINNER WITH
287 ( clicking tongue ): NOKULULE OON AH.
288 HERE'S A PICTURE OF SCOTTY JARED NAKED.
289 OH, LET ME SEE.
290 HE'S WEARING A SWEATER.
291 NO.
292 EWW! EWW!
293 OKAY, HERE WE HAVE THE LAST OF PAOLO'S GRAPPA.
294 WAIT, RACHEL.
295 ISN'T THAT ALMOST PURE--
296 HOW CAN I DUMP THIS WOMAN ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
297 I DON'T KNOW.
298 YOU DUMPED HER ON NEW YEAR'S.
299 OH, MAN.
300 IN MY NEXT LIFE, I'M COMING BACK AS A TOILET BRUSH.
301 HELLO, FUNNY VALENTINE.
302 HI, JUST JANICE.
303 HELLO, JOEY
304 OUR LITTLE MATCHMAKER.
305 I COULD JUST KISS YOU ALL OVER AND I'M GONNA.
306 IF YOU DON'T DO IT, I WILL.
307 SO, UM, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
308 WELL, UM, FOR THE PAST...
309 ( beeping )
310 OH, GOD!
311 YOU SAID THEY COULD SHOOT THE SPOT WITHOUT YOU.
312 I THOUGHT THEY COULD.
313 BUT IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY.
314 I KNOW, BUT IT'S MY JOB.
315 I'LL TRY TO GET BACK AS SOON AS I CAN.
316 I'M SORRY.
317 Carol: YEAH, I KNOW.
318 ...WHICH IS FUNNY
319 BECAUSE THAT WASN'T EVEN MY MAJOR.
320 NOW THAT IS FUNNY.
321 HEY, DO YOU THINK...
322 WOULD IT BE TOO WEIRD
323 IF I INVITED CAROL OVER TO JOIN US?
324 'CAUSE SHE'S, SHE'S ALONE NOW,
325 AND PREGNANT AND SAD.
326 I GUESS.
327 ARE YOU SURE?
328 THANKS.
329 CAROL, WANT TO COME OVER AND JOIN US?
330 OH, NO, I'M FINE.
331 COME ON. THESE PEOPLE WILL SCOOCH DOWN.
332 YOU GUYS WILL SCOOCH, WON'T YOU?
333 LET'S TRY SCOOCHING.
334 COME ON.
335 COME ON.
336 THANK YOU.
337 UH, KRISTEN RIGGS, THIS IS CAROL WILLICK.
338 CAROL, KRISTEN.
339 HOW DO YOU DO?
340 UM, CAROL TEACHES SIXTH GRADE.
341 AND, UH, KRISTEN...
342 KRISTEN DOES SOMETHING THAT, FUNNILY ENOUGH
343 WASN'T EVEN HER MAJOR.
344 WHAT DO WE GOT THERE?
345 PIECE OF SOMETHING: BOXER SHORTS...
346 LOOKS LIKE A HALF-CHARRED PICTURE...
347 WOW, THAT GUY'S HAIRIER THAN THE CHIEF.
348 YOU KNOW, IT'S A REALLY FUNNY STORY
349 HOW THIS HAPPENED.
350 IT'S ALL RIGHT.
351 YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN.
352 THIS ISN'T THE FIRST BOYFRIEND BONFIRE
353 WE'VE SEEN GET OUT OF CONTROL.
354 YOU'RE OUR THIRD CALL TONIGHT.
355 REALLY?
356 OH, SURE. VALENTINE'S OUR BUSIEST NIGHT
357 OF THE YEAR.
358 I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING.
359 IS IT LOADED?
360 OH, LITTLE CANDY HEARTS.
361 "CHAN AND JAN FOREVER."
362 I HAD THEM MADE SPECIAL.
363 OKAY, JANICE.
364 JANICE...
365 HEY, JANICE.
366 LOOK, THERE'S NO WAY FOR ME TO TELL YOU THIS.
367 AT LEAST, THERE'S NO NEW WAY FOR ME
368 TO TELL YOU THIS.
369 I JUST DON'T THINK THINGS ARE GOING TO WORK OUT.
370 THAT'S FINE.
371 IT IS?
372 MM-HMM.
373 BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THIS ISN'T THE END.
374 OH, NO, YOU SEE, ACTUALLY IT IS.
375 NO, IT ISN'T
376 BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN.
377 DON'T YOU KNOW IT YET?
378 YOU LOVE ME, CHANDLER BING.
379 OH, NO, I DON'T.
380 ASK YOURSELF--
381 WHY DO WE KEEP ENDING UP TOGETHER?
382 NEW YEAR'S-- WHO INVITED WHO?
383 VALENTINE'S-- WHO ASKED WHO INTO WHOSE BED?
384 I DID, BUT...
385 YOU SEEK ME OUT.
386 SOMETHING DEEP IN YOUR SOUL CALLS OUT TO ME LIKE A FOGHORN.
387 ( imitates foghorn ): JAN-ICE, JAN-ICE.
388 YOU WANT ME.
389 YOU NEED ME.
390 YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME
391 AND YOU KNOW IT.
392 YOU JUST DON'T KNOW YOU KNOW IT.
393 SEE YA.
394 CALL ME.
395 Carol: NOT TRUE. I NEVER CALLED YOUR MOTHER A WOLVERINE.
396 YOU DID SO.
397 I SWEAR TO--
398 HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM?
399 UH, I DON'T THINK SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM.
400 HER COAT IS GONE.
401 WELL, MAYBE IT'S COLD IN THERE.
402 OH...
403 MAYBE I SCREWED UP
404 THE FIRST DATE I HAD IN NINE YEARS.
405 THAT COULD BE IT.
406 OH, GOD.
407 YOU KNOW, THIS IS STILL PRETTY HOT.
408 MUSHROOM.
409 OH, SMILE.
410 THEY WON'T ALL BE LIKE THIS.
411 SOME WOMEN MIGHT EVEN STAY THROUGH DINNER.
412 I'M SORRY. THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
413 IT'S JUST...
414 WELL, YOU KNOW THE WHOLE
415 "GETTING ON WITH YOUR LIFE" THING?
416 WELL, DO I HAVE TO?
417 I MEAN, I'M SITTING HERE WITH THIS CUTE WOMAN
418 AND, AND, AND SHE'S PERFECTLY NICE, YOU KNOW?
419 AND, BUT THAT THERE'S...
420 THAT'S IT.
421 AND, UM, AND THEN I'M HERE TALKING TO YOU
422 AND IT'S EASY, AND IT'S FUN AND I DON'T HAVE TO...
423 I KNOW.
424 YOU KNOW?
425 HERE'S A WACKY THOUGHT--
426 WHAT SAY YOU AND I GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?
427 ROSS...
428 I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY.
429 YOU'RE A LESBIAN.
430 BUT LET'S...
431 WHAT DO YOU SAY WE JUST PUT THAT ASIDE FOR NOW?
432 LET'S JUST STICK A PIN IN IT, OKAY?
433 BECAUSE WE'RE GREAT TOGETHER.
434 YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T DENY IT.
435 AND BESIDE
436 YOU'RE CARRYING MY BABY.
437 I MEAN, HOW PERFECT IS THAT?
438 ROSS...
439 YOU KNOW, YOU KEEP SAYING THAT
440 BUT THERE'S SOMETHING RIGHT HERE.
441 I LOVE YOU.
442 OH, I LOVE YOU TOO.
443 BUT...
444 NO BUT, NO BUT.
445 YOU KNOW THAT THING WE PUT OVER HERE
446 WITH THE PIN IN IT?
447 IT'S TIME TO TAKE THE PIN OUT.
448 YEAH.
449 YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE, I KNOW YOU WELL.
450 THE RIGHT WOMAN IS WAITING FOR YOU.
451 THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
452 YOU FOUND ONE ALREADY.
453 ALL YOU NEED IS A WOMAN WHO LIKES MEN
454 AND YOU'LL BE SET.
455 NOT HER.
456 WE GET OFF AROUND MIDNIGHT.
457 WE'LL PICK YOU UP THEN.
458 OKAY, GREAT.
459 SO, UM, WILL YOU BRING THE TRUCK?
460 I'LL EVEN LET YOU RING THE BELL.
461 BYE.
462 BYE. I CAN'T WAIT.
463 THANKS.
464 OH, MY GOD.
465 SEE, THERE YOU GO.
466 THE CLEANSING WORKED.
467 YOU'RE RIGHT.
468 THEY'RE NICE GUYS.
469 THEY'RE FIREMEN GUYS.
470 YOU GUYS TELL THEM YOU WERE MARRIED?
471 [Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]
472

S01E15

1 COFFEE.
2 THANK YOU.
3 CAPPUCCINO.
4 GRAZIE.
5 AND A NICE HOT CIDER FOR MONICA.
6 AW, THANK YOU.
7 RACH? YEAH?
8 WHY DOES MY CINNAMON STICK HAVE AN ERASER?
9 OH...
10 OH... THAT'S WHY.
11 I'M SORRY.
12 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
13 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
14 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
15 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
16 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
17 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
18 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
19 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
20 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
21 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
22 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
23 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
24 ( clacking keys )
25 CHANDLER...
26 MISS TEDLOCK YOU'RE LOOKING LOVELY TODAY.
27 AND MAY I SAY THAT IS A VERY FLATTERING
28 SLEEVE LENGTH ON YOU.
29 YES. WELL... MR. KOSTELIC WOULD LIKE YOU
30 TO STOP BY HIS OFFICE AT THE END OF THE DAY.
31 OH, LISTEN, IF THIS IS ABOUT THOSE PRANK MEMOS
32 I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM-- REALLY, NOTHING AT ALL.
33 REALLY, NOTHING.
34 HEY, YOU GUYS--
35 CHANDLER'S COMING, AND HE SAYS HE HAS
36 INCREDIBLE NEWS.
37 SO WHEN HE COMES, LET'S ALL ACT LIKE...
38 HEY.
39 NEVER MIND. BUT IT WAS GOING TO BE
40 REALLY GOOD.
41 WHAT'S GOING ON?
42 WHAT'S UP?
43 IT'S A TYPICAL DAY AT WORK.
44 BIG AL CALLS ME INTO HIS OFFICE
45 AND SAYS HE WANTS TO MAKE ME PROCESSING SUPERVISOR.
46 THAT IS GREAT!
47 CONGRATULATIONS.
48 SO... I QUIT.
49 WHY?
50 THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A TEMP JOB.
51 CHANDLER, YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR FIVE YEARS.
52 BUT IF I TOOK THIS PROMOTION IT'D BE LIKE ADMITTING
53 THAT THIS IS WHAT I ACTUALLY DO.
54 IS IT A LOT MORE MONEY?
55 IT DOESN'T MATTER.
56 I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS
57 THAT'S IN HIS OFFICE UNTIL 12:00 AT NIGHT
58 WORRYING ABOUT THE WEENUS.
59 THE... THE WEENUS?
60 "WEEKLY ESTIMATED NET USAGE SYSTEMS."
61 IT'S A PROCESSING TERM.
62 OH... THAT WEENUS.
63 SO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
64 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO,
65 I JUST KNOW I WON'T FIGURE IT OUT WORKING THERE.
66 OH! I HAVE SOMETHING YOU CAN DO.
67 I HAVE THIS NEW MASSAGE CLIENT-- STEVE.
68 ANYWAY, HE'S OPENING UP A RESTAURANT
69 AND HE'S LOOKING FOR A HEAD CHEF.
70 UM... HI, THERE.
71 HI.
72 OH, YEAH, I KNOW, YOU'RE A CHEF.
73 AND I THOUGHT OF YOU FIRST.
74 BUT CHANDLER'S THE ONE WHO NEEDS A JOB RIGHT NOW, SO...
75 I JUST DON'T HAVE A LOT OF CHEFFING EXPERIENCE.
76 UNLESS IT'S AN ALL-TOAST RESTAURANT.
77 YEAH, YEAH.
78 WHAT KIND OF FOOD IS HE LOOKING FOR?
79 HE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING ECLECTIC.
80 SO HE'S LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
81 WHO CAN CREATE THE ENTIRE MENU.
82 OH, MY GOD!
83 YEAH, I KNOW.
84 SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
85 THANKS, PHEEB. I JUST DON'T REALLY SEE MYSELF
86 IN A BIG WHITE HAT.
87 OKAY.
88 OH, MONICA, GUESS WHAT!
89 CAN YOU SEE MY NIPPLES THROUGH THIS SHIRT?
90 N-NO.
91 BUT DON'T WORRY-- I'M SURE THEY'RE STILL THERE.
92 WHERE ARE YOU GOING MR. SUITY-MAN?
93 WELL, I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE DR. ROBERT PILLMAN--
94 CAREER COUNSELOR A-GO-GO.
95 I ADDED THE "A-GO-GO."
96 CAREER COUNSELOR?
97 HEY, YOU GUYS ALL KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
98 I DON'T.
99 HEY, YOU GUYS IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL KNOW
100 WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
101 YOU HAVE GOALS, YOU HAVE DREAMS.
102 I DON'T HAVE A DREAM.
103 AH, THE LESSER-KNOWN "I DON'T HAVE A DREAM" SPEECH.
104 OH, I LOVE MY LIFE! I LOVE MY LIFE!
105 "BRIAN'S SONG"!
106 THE MEETING WITH THAT GUY WENT GREAT?
107 IT WAS SO GREAT.
108 HE SHOWED ME WHERE THE RESTAURANT'S GOING TO BE.
109 IT'S NOT TOO BIG, IT'S NOT TOO SMALL.
110 IT'S JUST RIGHT.
111 WAS IT FORMERLY OWNED BY A BLONDE WOMAN AND SOME BEARS?
112 I'M COOKING DINNER FOR HIM MONDAY NIGHT.
113 KIND OF LIKE AN AUDITION.
114 PHOEBE, HE REALLY WANTS YOU TO BE HERE.
115 WHICH IS GREAT, 'CAUSE THEN
116 YOU CAN MAKE YUMMY NOISES.
117 WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?
118 YUMMY NOISES.
119 AND, MONICA, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE?
120 I DON'T KNOW. IT'S JUST GOT TO BE SO GREAT.
121 OH! I KNOW WHAT YOU COULD MAKE.
122 YOU SHOULD MAKE THAT THING WITH THE STUFF.
123 YOU KNOW THAT... THING.
124 WITH THE STUFF.
125 OKAY, I DON'T KNOW.
126 HEY GUYS, DOES ANYONE KNOW
127 A GOOD DATE PLACE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?
128 UH... HOW ABOUT TONY'S?
129 IF YOU CAN FINISH A 32-OUNCE STEAK, IT'S FREE.
130 OKAY.
131 HEY, DOES ANYONE KNOW A GOOD PLACE
132 IF YOU'RE NOT DATING A PUMA?
133 WHO ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH?
134 OH! IS THIS THE BUG LADY?
135 ( buzzing ) "I LOVE YOU, ROSS."
136 HER NAME IS CELIA.
137 SHE'S NOT A BUG LADY.
138 SHE'S CURATOR OF INSECTS AT THE MUSEUM.
139 SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DO?
140 WE'D GO OUT TO DINNER
141 AND THEN MAYBE BRING HER BACK TO MY PLACE
142 AND I'D INTRODUCE HER TO MY MONKEY.
143 AND HE'S NOT SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY.
144 SOOO... BACK TO YOUR PLACE.
145 YOU'RE THINKIN' MAYBE... HEH-HEH?
146 ( clears throat )
147 WELL, I DON'T KNOW, HEH-HEH.
148 I'M HOPING, HEH-HEH.
149 I'M TELLING YOU-- THAT MONKEY IS A CHICK MAGNET.
150 SHE'S GOING TO TAKE ONE LOOK AT HIS FURRY CUTE LITTLE FACE
151 AND IT'LL SEAL THE DEAL.
152 ( screaming )
153 SOOTHING TONES, CELIA.
154 ( screaming louder )
155 'NANA...
156 I CAN'T STAND THIS.
157 HE'S GOT HIS CLAWS ON MY...
158 YEAH.
159 OKAY. TRY THIS SALMON MOUSSE.
160 MMM. GOOD.
161 YEAH? IS IT BETTER THAN THE OTHER SALMON MOUSSE?
162 IT'S CREAMIER.
163 YEAH. WELL, IS THAT BETTER?
164 I DON'T KNOW.
165 WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHIPPED FISH.
166 I'M JUST HAPPY I'M KEEPING IT DOWN.
167 OH, MY GOD!
168 WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
169 EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS OF APTITUDE TESTS
170 INTELLIGENCE TESTS, PERSONALITY TESTS,
171 AND WHAT DO I LEARN?
172 "YOU ARE IDEALLY SUITED FOR A CAREER IN DATA PROCESSING
173 FOR A LARGE MULTINATIONAL COOPERATION."
174 THAT'S SO GREAT
175 'CAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.
176 CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
177 DON'T I SEEM LIKE SOMEBODY
178 WHO SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING REALLY COOL?
179 I JUST ALWAYS PICTURED MYSELF DOING SOMETHING...
180 SOMETHING.
181 OH, CHANDLER, I KNOW.
182 I KNOW.
183 OH, HEY!
184 YOU CAN SEE YOUR NIPPLES THROUGH THIS SHIRT.
185 HERE YOU GO.
186 MAYBE THIS WILL CHEER YOU UP.
187 I HAD A GRAPE ABOUT FIVE HOURS AGO.
188 SO I BETTER SPLIT THIS WITH YOU.
189 IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THAT SMALL.
190 IT'S A PRE-APPETIZER.
191 THE FRENCH CALL IT AN AMUSE BOUCHE.
192 WELL, IT IS "AMOOZING."
193 ( phone rings )
194 HELLO?
195 OH, HI, WENDY.
196 YEAH, 8:00.
197 WHAT DID WE SAY, TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR?
198 OKAY, GREAT.
199 I'LL SEE YOU THEN. BYE.
200 TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR FOR WHAT?
201 I ASKED A WAITRESS AT WORK TO HELP ME OUT.
202 WAITRESSING?
203 UH-OH.
204 WELL, OF COURSE I THOUGHT OF YOU.
205 BUT... BUT...
206 BUT-BUT?
207 BUT, YOU SEE
208 THIS NIGHT HAS TO GO JUST PERFECT, YOU KNOW.
209 WELL, WENDY'S MORE OF A... PROFESSIONAL WAITRESS.
210 OH. I SEE.
211 AND I'VE SORT OF BEEN MAINTAINING MY AMATEUR STATUS
212 SO THAT I CAN WAITRESS IN THE OLYMPICS.
213 YOU KNOW, I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG
214 BUT I WAITED TABLES AT INNSBRUCK IN '76.
215 AMUSE BOUCHE?
216 ( moans )
217 TALK TO ME.
218 OKAY, UH...
219 A WEIRD THING HAPPENED TO ME
220 ON THE TRAIN THIS MORNING.
221 NO, NO, NO, NO.
222 TALK DIRTY.
223 WELL... HERE?
224 AH...
225 SAY SOMETHING... HOT.
226 UH...
227 UM...
228 WHAT?
229 WH...
230 WHAT?
231 ( snarls )
232 UM...
233 WHAT?
234 VULVA.
235 "VULVA?"
236 ALL RIGHT. I PANICKED.
237 ALL RIGHT?
238 SHE... SHE TOOK ME BY SURPRISE.
239 BUT IT WASN'T A TOTAL LOSS.
240 I MEAN, UH, WE ENDED UP CUDDLING.
241 WHOA, YOU CUDDLED?
242 HOW MANY TIMES?
243 SHUT UP. IT WAS NICE.
244 I DIDN'T... I JUST DON'T THINK
245 I'M THE DIRTY-TALKING KIND OF GUY, YOU KNOW?
246 WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
247 YOU JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO TO HER
248 AND WHAT YOU WANT HER TO DO TO YOU
249 AND WHAT YOU THINK OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT
250 BE DOING TO EACH OTHER.
251 LOOK. I TELL YOU WHAT.
252 TRY SOMETHING ON ME.
253 PLEASE BE KIDDING.
254 WHY NOT? COME ON.
255 JUST... JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES
256 AND TELL ME WHAT YOU'D LIKE
257 TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.
258 OKAY. I'M, UH... I'M IN MY APARTMENT...
259 YEAH... WHAT ELSE?
260 THAT'S IT. I'M IN MY APARTMENT. YOU'RE NOT THERE.
261 WE'RE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.
262 I'LL START, OKAY?
263 JOEY, PLEASE. COME ON. COME ON.
264 READY? LOOK.
265 OH, ROSS...
266 YOU GET ME SO HOT.
267 I WANT YOUR LIPS ON ME NOW.
268 HUH?
269 HMM.
270 ALL RIGHT. NOW YOU SAY SOMETHING.
271 I, UH, I REALLY DON'T THINK SO.
272 YOU LIKE THIS WOMAN, RIGHT? WELL, YEAH.
273 YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, RIGHT? SURE.
274 IF YOU CAN'T TALK DIRTY TO ME
275 HOW YOU GOING TO TALK DIRTY TO HER?
276 NOW, TELL ME YOU WANT TO CARESS MY BUTT.
277 OKAY. TURN AROUND.
278 I JUST DON'T WANT YOU STARING AT ME WHEN I'M DOING THIS.
279 ALL RIGHT. I'M NOT LOOKING.
280 OKAY. OKAY.
281 ( clearing throat )
282 I WANT...
283 OKAY, I WANT TO... FEEL YOUR...
284 HOT, SOFT SKIN WITH MY LIPS.
285 THERE YOU GO.
286 KEEP GOING. KEEP GOING.
287 I, UH...
288 I WANT TO TAKE MY TONGUE, AND...
289 AND, AND...
290 SAY IT.
291 SAY IT!
292 RUN IT ALL OVER YOUR BODY UNTIL YOU'RE...
293 ...TREMBLING WITH... WITH...
294 WITH..?
295 FUNNY STORY.
296 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.
297 IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
298 I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU TWO KIDS TO GET TOGETHER.
299 WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING
300 THAT GUY FROM YOUR OLD JOB CALLED AGAIN.
301 AGAIN?
302 AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
303 AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN.
304 ( phone ringing )
305 HELLO.
306 AND AGAIN.
307 HI, MR. KOSTELIC.
308 HOW'S LIFE ON THE 15th FLOOR?
309 YEAH. I MISS YOU TOO.
310 IT'S A LOT LESS SATISFYING
311 TO STEAL PENS FROM YOUR OWN HOME, YOU KNOW?
312 WELL, THAT'S VERY GENEROUS.
313 THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE MONEY.
314 I NEED SOMETHING MORE THAN A JOB, SOMETHING...
315 AND THAT'S ON TOP OF THE YEAR-END BONUS STRUCTURE?
316 DREAM. DREAM.
317 LOOK, AL. AL...
318 I'M NOT PLAYING HARDBALL HERE.
319 THIS IS NOT A NEGOTIATION.
320 THIS IS A REJECTION.
321 NO... NO. STOP SAYING... STOP SAYING NUMBERS.
322 I'M TELLING YOU. YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY.
323 YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY!
324 I'LL SEE YOU MONDAY!
325 NYAH.
326 HUH?
327 OH, WOW!
328 IT'S HUGE!
329 THIS IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN THE CUBICLE.
330 THIS IS A CUBE.
331 LOOK AT THIS.
332 ( gasping )
333 YOU HAVE A WINDOW!
334 YES, INDEEDY.
335 WITH A BEAUTIFUL VIEW OF...
336 OH, LOOK. THAT GUY'S PEEING.
337 OKAY. THAT'S ENOUGH OF THE VIEW.
338 CHECK THIS OUT. LOOK AT THIS.
339 OKAY. SIT DOWN HERE.
340 OKAY.
341 THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS GREAT.
342 NOW?
343 HELEN, COULD YOU COME IN HERE FOR A MOMENT?
344 THANK YOU, HELEN. THAT'LL BE ALL.
345 LAST TIME I DO THAT, I PROMISE.
346 WENDY, WE HAD A DEAL.
347 YEAH. YOU PROMISED.
348 WENDY... WENDY...
349 WENDY!
350 ( groans )
351 WHO WAS THAT?
352 WENDY BAILED.
353 I... I HAVE NO WAITRESS.
354 OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
355 BYE-BYE.
356 TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR. NO.
357 $12 AN HOUR.
358 MON, I WISH I COULD,
359 BUT I'VE MADE PLANS TO WALK AROUND.
360 WHEN YOU RAN OUT ON YOUR WEDDING
361 I WAS THERE FOR YOU.
362 I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD
363 AND IF THAT MEANS NOTHING TO YOU...
364 ...$20 AN HOUR.
365 DONE.
366 WELL, HELLO. WELCOME TO MONICA'S.
367 MAY I TAKE YOUR COAT?
368 HI, STEVE.
369 HELLO, MONICA.
370 HELLO, GREETER-GIRL.
371 THIS IS RACHEL.
372 YEAH. OKAY.
373 MMM. MMM...
374 EVERYTHING SMELLS SO DELICIOUS.
375 I CAN'T REMEMBER A TIME I SMELLED SUCH A DELICIOUS
376 COMBINATION OF, OF...
377 OKAY. SMELLS.
378 WELL, IT'S A LOVELY APARTMENT.
379 OH, THANK YOU.
380 WOULD YOU LIKE A TOUR?
381 I WAS JUST BEING POLITE, BUT ALL RIGHT.
382 WHAT..? WHAT'S UP?
383 I... IN THE CAB, ON THE WAY OVER
384 STEVE BLAZED UP A DOOBIE.
385 WHAT?!
386 HE SMOKED A JOINT.
387 YOU KNOW, LIT A BONE-- WEED, HEMP, GANJA...
388 OKAY, OKAY. OKAY,
389 I'M WITH YOU, CHEECH.
390 OKAY.
391 IS IT DRY IN HERE?
392 LET ME... LET ME GET YOU SOME WINE.
393 I THINK WE'RE READY FOR OUR FIRST COURSE.
394 OKAY, UM,
395 THESE ARE ROCK SHRIMP RAVIOLI
396 AND CILANTRO PONZU SAUCE
397 WITH JUST A TOUCH OF MINCED...
398 GINGER.
399 WELL, SMACK MY ASS AND CALL ME JUDY.
400 THESE ARE FANTASTIC.
401 OH, GOSH, I'M SO GLAD YOU LIKE THEM.
402 LIKE THEM? I COULD EAT 100 OF THEM.
403 OH. WELL, THAT'S ALL THERE IS OF THESE
404 BUT IN ABOUT EIGHT AND A HALF MINUTES
405 WE'LL BE SERVING SOME DELICIOUS ONION TARTLETS.
406 TARTLETS? MM, UH-HUH.
407 TARTLETS?
408 TARTLETS?
409 THE WORD HAS LOST ALL MEANING.
410 EXCUSE ME.
411 CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING?
412 YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.
413 ( sucking )
414 OH, COOL! TACO SHELLS!
415 THESE ARE LIKE A LITTLE CORN ENVELOPE, YOU KNOW?
416 YOU KNOW WHAT?
417 YOU DON'T WANT TO SPOIL YOUR APPETITE.
418 HEY, SUGAR Os!
419 YOU KNOW, IF YOU JUST WAIT ANOTHER SIX AND A HALF MINUTES...
420 OH! MACARONI AND CHEESE!
421 WE GOT TO MAKE THIS.
422 NO. WE DON'T.
423 WE... OH, OKAY.
424 HEY... OOP! SORRY.
425 WHY DON'T YOU JUST HAVE A SEAT HERE.
426 OKAY...
427 OKAY.
428 GIVE ME THE GUMMI BEARS.
429 I... NO.
430 GIVE THEM TO ME.
431 I WILL SHARE.
432 NO. GIVE ME THE BEARS.
433 THEN YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY. GIVE THEM TO ME.
434 OH! OH!
435 BEARS OVERBOARD!
436 THEY'RE DROWNING.
437 HEY, FELLOWS!
438 GRAB ON TO A SUGAR O. SAVE YOURSELVES.
439 ( imitating Gummi Bears ): HELP! HELP! WE'RE DROWNING!
440 HELP! HELP!
441 THAT'S IT! DINNER IS OVER.
442 WHAT? "WHAT?"
443 WHY? "WHY?"
444 I'VE WAITED SEVEN YEARS FOR THIS
445 AND YOU CAN'T WAIT FOUR AND A HALF MINUTES
446 FOR A STUPID ONION TARTLET?
447 ( timer rings )
448 HEY!
449 WHAT A TOOL.
450 YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK FOR A GUY LIKE THAT.
451 I KNOW. I JUST THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS, YOU KNOW, IT.
452 YOU'LL GET THERE. YOU'RE AN AMAZING CHEF.
453 YEAH. YOU KNOW ALL THOSE YUMMY NOISES?
454 I WASN'T FAKING.
455 ( clearing throat )
456 SO, UH, HOW DID IT GO WITH CELIA?
457 OH, UH, I WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
458 ALL RIGHT, ROSS!
459 I WAS THE JAMES MICHENER OF DIRTY TALK.
460 IT WAS THE MOST ELABORATE FILTH YOU HAVE EVER HEARD.
461 I MEAN, THERE WERE CHARACTERS, PLOT LINES
462 THEMES, A MOTIF...
463 AT ONE POINT THERE WERE VILLAGERS.
464 OH, HO-HO, AND, UH, HUH..?
465 BY THE TIME WE FINISHED WITH ALL THE DIRTY TALK
466 IT WAS KIND OF LATE AND WE WERE BOTH EXHAUSTED, SO, UM...
467 YOU CUDDLED. WHICH WAS NICE.
468 YOU GUYS WANT TO TRY TO CATCH A LATE MOVIE OR SOMETHING?
469 SHOULDN'T WE WAIT FOR CHANDLER?
470 WHOA. WHERE THE HELL IS HE?
471 YES, FRAN, I KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS
472 BUT I'M LOOKING AT THE WEENUS, AND I'M NOT HAPPY.
473 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
474 YOU WILL CARE ABOUT IT BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT IT.
475 YOU GOT IT? GOOD!
476 WHOA...
477 HOW'S THIS?
478 ( yells )
479 SORRY. HOW 'BOUT OVER HERE?
480 ( groans ) SEE? THAT MEANS IT'S WORKING.
481 DOES THIS HURT?
482 NO.
483 HOW 'BOUT THIS?
484 ( screaming )
485 THERE YOU GO.
486 ( grunting )
487 AH, OOH, AH... OH, I'M GOING TO THROW UP.
488

S01E16

1 THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
2 IT'S BEEN A HALF AN HOUR.
3 IF THIS WAS A CARTOON
4 YOU'D BE LOOKING LIKE A HAM RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
5 THERE'S THE WAITRESS. EXCUSE ME, MISS?
6 HELLO? MISS?
7 IT'S PHOEBE.
8 HI.
9 HI.
10 OKAY, WILL THAT BE ALL?
11 WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
12 I WAS OVER THERE, YOU SAID "EXCUSE ME. HELLO? MISS."
13 SO NOW I'M HERE.
14 NO, NO. HOW COME YOU'RE WORKING HERE?
15 RIGHT. 'CAUSE IT'S CLOSE TO WHERE I LIVE
16 AND THE APRONS ARE REALLY CUTE.
17 CAN WE START OVER?
18 YEAH, OKAY, GREAT.
19 I'LL BE OVER HERE... NO! NO! NO! NO!
20 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
21 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
22 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
23 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
24 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
25 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
26 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
27 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
28 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
29 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
30 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
31 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
32 I DON'T KNOW WHETHER HE'S TESTING ME OR JUST ACTING OUT
33 BUT MY MONKEY IS OUT OF CONTROL.
34 HE KEEPS ERASING
35 THE MESSAGES ON MY MACHINE.
36 SUPPOSEDLY BY ACCIDENT.
37 OH, YEAH. I'VE DONE THAT.
38 AND THEN, LIKE, THREE DAYS IN A ROW
39 HE GOT TO THE NEWSPAPER BEFORE I DID
40 AND PEED ALL OVER THE CROSSWORD.
41 I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.
42 NOW, LOOK AT HER AND TELL ME
43 SHE DOESN'T LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HER SISTER.
44 I'M SAYING I SEE A DIFFERENCE.
45 THEY'RE TWINS.
46 I DON'T CARE. PHOEBE'S PHOEBE.
47 URSULA'S... HOT.
48 YOU KNOW THAT THING
49 WHEN YOU AND I TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT THINGS?
50 YEAH. LET'S NOT DO THAT ANYMORE.
51 HI, GUYS.
52 HEY, PHEEBS, GUESS WHO WE SAW TODAY.
53 OOH, FUN! OKAY.
54 LIAM NEESON?
55 NO.
56 MORLEY SAFER?
57 THE WOMAN WHO CUTS MY HAIR?
58 LOOK, THIS COULD BE A REALLY LONG GAME.
59 YOUR SISTER URSULA.
60 OH. REALLY?
61 SHE WORKS OVER AT THAT PLACE...
62 RIFF'S. YEAH, I KNOW.
63 YOU DO?
64 SHE SAID YOU HAVEN'T TALKED IN YEARS.
65 MM-HMM. YEAH.
66 SO, UM, IS SHE FAT?
67 NOT FROM WHERE I WAS STANDING.
68 WHERE WERE YOU STANDING?
69 UH, PHEEBS, SO YOU GUYS JUST DON'T GET ALONG?
70 IT'S MOSTLY JUST DUMB SISTER STUFF--
71 LIKE EVERYONE ALWAYS THOUGHT OF HER AS THE PRETTY ONE, YOU KNOW?
72 OH! SHE WAS
73 THE FIRST ONE TO START WALKING
74 EVEN THOUGH I DID IT LATER THAT SAME DAY.
75 BUT TO MY PARENTS
76 BY THEN IT WAS LIKE, "RIGHT. WHAT ELSE IS NEW?"
77 PHEEBS, I'M SORRY. I'VE GOT TO GO.
78 I'VE GOT LAMAZE CLASS.
79 OH, AND I'VE GOT EARTH SCIENCE
80 BUT I'LL CATCH YOU IN GYM?
81 SO IS THIS JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND CAROL?
82 NO. SUSAN'S GOING TO BE THERE TOO.
83 WE'VE GOT DADS, WE'VE GOT LESBIANS--
84 THE WHOLE PARENTING TEAM.
85 ISN'T THAT GOING TO BE WEIRD?
86 IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN AT FIRST
87 BUT BY NOW, I'M COMFORTABLE WITH THE WHOLE SITUATION.
88 ROSS, THAT'S MY JACKET.
89 I KNOW.
90 HI. WE'RE THE ROSTINS.
91 I'M J.C.
92 AND HE'S MICHAEL.
93 AND WE'RE HAVING A BOY... AND A GIRL.
94 GOOD FOR YOU.
95 ALL RIGHTY. NEXT?
96 HI. UM, I'M, UH...
97 I'M ROSS GELLER
98 AND THAT'S... THAT'S MY BOY IN THERE.
99 AND THIS IS CAROL WILLICK
100 AND THIS... IS SUSAN BUNCH.
101 SUSAN IS, UM... CAROL'S...
102 ( mumbling )
103 WHO'S NEXT?
104 I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T GET... SUSAN IS..?
105 SUSAN'S CAROL'S... CAROL'S... FRIEND.
106 LIFE PARTNER.
107 LIKE BUDDIES.
108 LIKE LOVERS.
109 YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE WOMEN CAN GET.
110 SUSAN AND I LIVE TOGETHER.
111 ALTHOUGH I WAS MARRIED TO HER.
112 CAROL, NOT ME.
113 IT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED.
114 A LITTLE.
115 BUT WE'RE FINE.
116 ABSOLUTELY.
117 SO TWINS?
118 THAT'S, LIKE, TWO BIRTHS.
119 OUCH!
120 ( buzzing )
121 AND... ( buzzing ) TO YOU TOO, HELEN.
122 Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.
123 OH, OKAY. SEND HER IN.
124 HI.
125 YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?
126 UH, YES.
127 I WAS GOING OVER YOUR DATA AND A LITTLE THING--
128 YOU'VE BEEN POSTDATING YOUR FRIDAY NUMBERS.
129 WHICH IS BAD, BECAUSE..?
130 WELL, IT THROWS MY WENUS OUT OF WHACK.
131 EXCUSE ME?
132 WENUS-- WEEKLY ESTIMATED...
133 OH! NET USAGE STATISTICS.
134 RIGHT.
135 IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
136 I WOULDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOUR... WENUS.
137 ( stammers )
138 IT'S NOT JUST THAT SHE'S CUTE, OKAY?
139 IT'S JUST THAT... SHE'S REALLY, REALLY CUTE.
140 IT DOESN'T MATTER.
141 YOU DON'T DIP YOUR PEN IN THE COMPANY INK.
142 ROSS, YOUR LITTLE CREATURE'S GOT THE REMOTE AGAIN.
143 MARCEL, MARCEL, GIVE ROSSY THE REMOTE.
144 MARCEL...
145 MARCEL, YOU GIVE ROSSY THE REMOTE RIGHT NOW.
146 ( audio in English )
147 ( audio in Spanish )
148 GREAT.
149 RELAX. I'LL FIX IT.
150 ( audio in Spanish )
151 OH, COOL.
152 "URKEL" IN SPANISH... IS "URKEL."
153 HOW DID HE DO THIS?
154 IS LEAVING THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
155 PART OF YOUR PLAN TO KEEP US MERRY
156 ALL YEAR LONG?
157 NO. SOMEONE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE THEM DOWN
158 AROUND NEW YEAR'S, BUT SOMEONE FORGOT.
159 WELL, SOMEONE WAS SUPPOSED TO WRITE
160 "RACHE, TAKE DOWN THE LIGHTS"
161 AND PUT IT ON THE REFRIG... ERATOR.
162 HOW LONG HAS THAT BEEN THERE?
163 WHERE YOU BEEN?
164 I WENT BACK TO RIFF'S.
165 I THINK URSULA LIKES ME.
166 ALL I ORDERED WAS COFFEE.
167 SHE BROUGHT ME A TUNA MELT AND FOUR PLATES OF CURLY FRIES.
168 SCORE.
169 SHE IS SO HOT!
170 BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING JOEY-LIKE
171 YOU MIGHT WANT TO RUN IT BY, UH...
172 YEAH?
173 YEAH.
174 YEAH.
175 PHEEBS, DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE OKAY
176 IF I ASKED OUT YOUR SISTER?
177 WHY? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT? WHY?
178 WELL, SO THAT IF WE WENT OUT ON A DATE
179 SHE'D BE THERE.
180 WELL, I MEAN, I'M NOT MY SISTER'S
181 YOU KNOW, WHATEVER
182 AND, UH... I MEAN...
183 IT'S TRUE WE WERE ONE EGG ONCE, BUT, UH...
184 WE'VE... WE'VE GROWN APART, SO, UM...
185 I DON'T KNOW.
186 WHY NOT?
187 COOL. THANKS.
188 ARE YOU OKAY?
189 YEAH. I'M FINE.
190 YOU WANT TO WATCH LAVERNE Y SHIRLEY?
191 Cinco, seis, siete, ocho! Schlemiel! Schlamazel!
192 ( Laverne and Shirley theme playing )
193 ( doll squeaks )
194 SORRY.
195 HI.
196 SORRY I'M LATE.
197 UH, WHERE'S... WHERE'S CAROL?
198 STUCK AT SCHOOL.
199 SOME PARENT-TEACHER THING.
200 YOU CAN GO. I'LL GET THE INFORMATION.
201 NO...
202 NO, I THINK I SHOULD STAY.
203 I THINK WE SHOULD BOTH KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
204 OH, GOOD. THIS WILL BE FUN.
205 WE'RE GOING TO START WITH SOME BASIC THIRD-STAGE BREATHING EXERCISES
206 SO, MOMMIES, WHY DON'T YOU GET ON YOUR BACK
207 AND, COACHES, YOU SHOULD BE SUPPORTING MOMMY'S HEAD.
208 WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
209 I AM SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOMMY?
210 OKAY, I'M GOING TO PLAY MY SPERM CARD ONE MORE TIME.
211 I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD MISS OUT ON THE COACHING TRAINING
212 JUST BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN.
213 SO WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE TO DO?
214 I WILL FLIP YOU FOR IT.
215 NO, NO. HEADS.
216 ON YOUR BACK, MOM.
217 ALL RIGHT, MOMMIES.
218 TAKE A NICE, DEEP CLEANSING BREATH.
219 ( breathes deeply )
220 GOOD.
221 NOW IMAGINE YOUR VAGINA IS OPENING
222 LIKE A FLOWER.
223 ( knock at door )
224 MR. D., HOW'S IT GOING, SIR?
225 UH, IT'S BEEN BETTER.
226 THE ANNUAL NET USAGE STATISTICS ARE IN.
227 AND?
228 IT'S PRETTY UGLY.
229 WE HAVEN'T SEEN AN ANUS THIS BAD SINCE THE '70s.
230 WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
231 WE'LL BE LAYING OFF PEOPLE
232 IN EVERY DEPARTMENT.
233 I KNOW I CAME IN LATE LAST WEEK
234 BUT I SLEPT FUNNY AND MY HAIR WAS...
235 NOT YOU.
236 RELAX.
237 EVER HAVE TO FIRE ANYONE?
238 NINA?
239 NINA...
240 NINA...
241 ( voice breaking ): NINA...
242 ARE YOU OKAY?
243 YES. YES, I AM.
244 LISTEN, THE REASON I CALLED YOU IN HERE TODAY WAS, UH...
245 PLEASE DON'T HATE ME.
246 WHAT?
247 WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER SOMETIME?
248 SO, PHEEBS, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
249 WELL, WHAT I REALLY WANT IS FOR MY MOM TO BE ALIVE
250 AND ENJOY IT WITH ME, BUT...
251 OKAY...
252 LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY: ANYTHING FROM CRABTREE & EVELYN?
253 OOH! BATH SALTS WOULD BE NICE.
254 OH, OKAY. GOOD.
255 WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
256 YOU'RE COLD, I HAVE TO PEE
257 AND THERE'S A CUP OF COFFEE ON THE WINDOW.
258 HOW BAD COULD IT BE?
259 I THINK WE HAVE
260 AN ANSWER.
261 WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?
262 THIS COULD BE GOD'S WAY OF TELLING US TO EAT AT HOME.
263 YOU THINK SHE GOT FIRED AT RIFF'S?
264 NO. WE WERE THERE LAST NIGHT.
265 SHE KEPT... BRINGING SWORDFISH.
266 ARE YOU GOING TO GO TO..?
267 I'LL WAIT UNTIL AFTER WE ORDER.
268 IT'S HER, RIGHT?
269 IT LOOKS LIKE... HER.
270 UM... EXCUSE ME?
271 YEAH?
272 HI! IT'S US.
273 RIGHT. AND IT'S ME.
274 SO YOU'RE HERE TOO.
275 AS MUCH AS YOU ARE.
276 YOUR TURN?
277 UH... WE KNOW
278 WHAT WE WANT.
279 OH, THAT'S GOOD.
280 ALL WE WANT IS TWO CAFFE LATTES.
281 AND SOME BISCOTTI COOKIES.
282 GOOD CHOICE.
283 IT'S DEFINITELY HER.
284 YEAH.
285 Woman: Buenos noches, John-Boy.
286 Man: Buenos noches, Jim-Bob.
287 YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD THAT GIRL
288 SHE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB?
289 WELL, YOU STILL HAVEN'T TAKEN DOWN
290 THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.
291 CONGRATULATIONS.
292 I THINK YOU'VE FOUND THE WORLD'S THINNEST ARGUMENT.
293 I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND THE RIGHT MOMENT.
294 THAT SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD NOW THAT YOU'RE DATING.
295 SWEETHEART, YOU'RE FIRED, BUT HOW ABOUT A QUICKIE
296 BEFORE I GO TO WORK?
297 HEY.
298 HEY. HEY.
299 ( knock at door )
300 ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE
301 YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOCK ANYMORE.
302 I'LL GET IT.
303 OH. HI, MR. HECKLES.
304 YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
305 DOING WHAT?
306 WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING.
307 WE'RE JUST SITTING AROUND TALKING. QUIETLY.
308 I CAN HEAR YOU THROUGH THE CEILING.
309 MY CATS CAN'T SLEEP.
310 YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE CATS.
311 I COULD HAVE CATS.
312 GOOD-BYE, MR. HECKLES.
313 WE'LL TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN.
314 PHOEBE, COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
315 WOULD YOU TRY THIS ON?
316 I WANT TO MAKE SURE IT FITS.
317 OH, MY FIRST BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
318 OH, THIS IS REALLY...
319 OH, NO, NO, NO.
320 IT'S FOR URSULA.
321 I JUST FIGURED SIZE-WISE...
322 OH. SURE. YEAH.
323 OKAY. FITS.
324 ARE YOU SEEING HER AGAIN?
325 YEP. ICE CAPADES.
326 THIS IS SERIOUS.
327 I'VE NEVER KNOWN YOU TO PAY MONEY
328 FOR ANY KIND OF CAPADE.
329 I DON'T KNOW.
330 I LIKE HER, YOU KNOW?
331 SHE'S DIFFERENT.
332 THERE'S, UH...
333 SOMETHING ABOUT HER...
334 THAT YOU LIKE.
335 WE GET IT.
336 YOU LIKE HER-- GREAT.
337 PHOEBE, I ASKED YOU
338 AND YOU SAID IT WAS OKAY.
339 MAYBE NOW IT'S NOT OKAY.
340 OKAY. WELL, MAYBE NOW I'M NOT OKAY WITH IT NOT BEING OKAY.
341 OKAY.
342 KNIT, GOOD WOMAN, KNIT! KNIT!
343 ( knock at door )
344 AND THAT'S THE CHRYSLER BUILDING RIGHT THERE.
345 NINA.
346 MR. DOUGLAS.
347 COOL TIE.
348 SHE'S STILL HERE.
349 YES. YES, SHE IS.
350 DIDN'T I MEMO YOU ON THIS?
351 AFTER I LET HER GO
352 UH, I GOT A CALL FROM HER PSYCHIATRIST
353 DR. FLANE... DR. FLENNEN, DR. FLEN
354 AND, UH...
355 HE INFORMED ME THAT, UH, SHE TOOK THE NEWS RATHER BADLY.
356 IN FACT, HE MENTIONED THE WORD "FRENZY."
357 Y-YOU'RE KIDDING.
358 SHE SEEMED SO...
359 OH, NO, NO. NINA?
360 SHE IS WHOO-WHOO-WHOO- WHOO-WHOO-WHOO!
361 IN FACT, IF YOU ASKED HER RIGHT NOW
362 SHE WOULD HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF BEING FIRED AT ALL.
363 THAT'S... UNBELIEVABLE.
364 AND YET BELIEVABLE.
365 SO I'VE DECIDED NOT TO FIRE HER AGAIN
366 UNTIL I CAN BE ASSURED THAT SHE WILL BE NO THREAT
367 TO HERSELF OR OTHERS.
368 I SEE. HMM.
369 I GUESS YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW
370 WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE A PERSON'S HEAD.
371 WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT PSYCHOLOGY, SIR.
372 ( baby crying )
373 Man: For this, after all, is the miracle of birth.
374 LIGHTS, PLEASE.
375 AND THAT'S HAVING A BABY.
376 NEXT WEEK IS OUR FINAL CLASS.
377 SUSAN, GO DEEP.
378 Carol: IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
379 IT'S JUST, JUST IMPOSSIBLE.
380 WHAT IS, HONEY?
381 WHAT THAT WOMAN... DID.
382 I AM NOT DOING THAT.
383 IT'S JUST GOING TO HAVE TO STAY IN, THAT'S ALL.
384 EVERYTHING'LL BE THE SAME.
385 IT'LL JUST STAY IN.
386 SHH. EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
387 OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
388 NO ONE'S GOING UP TO YOU AND SAYING
389 "HI. IS THAT YOUR NOSTRIL?
390 MIND IF WE PUSH THIS POT ROAST THROUGH IT?!"
391 CAROL, CAROL, SWEETIE.
392 CLEANSING BREATH.
393 I KNOW IT'S FRIGHTENING
394 BUT, BIG PICTURE-- THE BIRTH PART IS JUST ONE DAY
395 AND WHEN IT'S OVER, WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE PARENTS
396 FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
397 I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.
398 RIGHT? ROSS?
399 ROSS?
400 I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER.
401 THIS IS JUST OCCURRING TO YOU?
402 I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS HAVING A BABY.
403 I JUST NEVER REALIZED THE BABY WAS HAVING ME.
404 OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE GREAT.
405 HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
406 I CAN'T EVEN GET MARCEL TO STOP EATING THE BATH MAT.
407 HOW AM I GOING TO RAISE A KID?
408 SOME SCIENTISTS ARE NOW SAYING
409 THAT MONKEYS AND BABIES ARE ACTUALLY DIFFERENT.
410 Phoebe: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
411 OUT.
412 WITH?
413 YES.
414 CAN I JUST ASK YOU ONE QUESTION?
415 HAVE YOU TWO, YOU KNOW... LIKE, YOU KNOW?
416 YOU KNOW.
417 YET?
418 NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS
419 BUT NO, WE HAVEN'T. OKAY?
420 YOU MEANT SEX, RIGHT?
421 DO YOU HAVE A SEC?
422 UH, SURE, NINA. WHAT'S UP?
423 FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN AVOIDING ME
424 AND GIVING ME REALLY STRANGE LOOKS.
425 OH, WELL, UH, MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE, UH...
426 JEALOUS OF US.
427 MAYBE. BUT THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN
428 WHY THEY KEEP TAKING MY SCISSORS.
429 UH, WELL, MAYBE THAT'S, UH
430 BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING A BIG RAISE.
431 I AM?
432 SURE. WHY NOT?
433 OH, MY GOD!
434 YOU'RE AMAZING!
435 OH, YOU DON'T KNOW.
436 HELEN, MAKE SURE WE PUT THROUGH THE PAPER WORK
437 ON MS. BOOKBINDER'S RAISE.
438 You still want me to send her psychological profile
439 to Personnel?
440 WHAT?
441 HELEN DRINKS.
442 WILL YOU MARRY ME?
443 I ENDED UP TELLING HER EVERYTHING.
444 HOW'D SHE TAKE IT?
445 PRETTY WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE STAPLER THING.
446 A LITTLE TIP: IF YOU'RE EVER IN A SIMILAR SITUATION
447 NEVER EVER LEAVE YOUR HAND ON THE DESK.
448 OKAY, I THINK I GET HOW TO DO THIS.
449 ( audio in Spanish )
450 ALL RIGHT, SO CAN WE TURN THIS OFF
451 AND MAKE THEM GO AWAY?
452 I CAN'T WATCH THIS.
453 OKAY, PHEEBS, THEY'RE GONE.
454 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
455 YEAH. IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW
456 IT'S THIS WHOLE STUPID URSULA THING.
457 CAN I ASK? SO HE'S GOING OUT WITH HER.
458 IS IT REALLY SO TERRIBLE?
459 UM, YEAH.
460 I'M NOT SAYING SHE'S, LIKE, EVIL, OR ANYTHING.
461 SHE JUST, YOU KNOW... SHE'S ALWAYS BREAKING MY STUFF.
462 WHEN I WAS EIGHT, AND I WOULDN'T LET HER
463 HAVE MY JUDY JETSON THERMOS, SO SHE THREW IT
464 UNDER THE BUS.
465 OH, AND THEN THERE'S RANDY BROWN
466 WHO WAS LIKE... HAVE YOU EVER HAD A BOYFRIEND
467 WHO WAS, LIKE, YOUR BEST FRIEND?
468 NO. NO.
469 WELL, BUT THAT'S WHAT HE WAS FOR ME
470 AND SHE, YOU KNOW, KIND OF STOLE HIM AWAY
471 AND THEN BROKE HIS HEART
472 AND THEN HE WOULDN'T EVEN TALK TO ME ANYMORE
473 'CAUSE HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE AROUND ANYTHING
474 THAT LOOKED LIKE EITHER ONE OF US.
475 OH, PHEEBS...
476 I MEAN, I KNOW JOEY IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND
477 OR MY THERMOS...
478 YOU KNOW, OR ANYTHING, BUT...
479 HEY, YOU'RE NOT
480 GOING TO LOSE HIM.
481 YOU'VE GOT TO TALK TO JOEY.
482 YEAH.
483 HE DOESN'T KNOW THIS STUFF.
484 IF HE KNEW HOW YOU FELT...
485 HE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER.
486 OH, PLEASE.
487 THEY'VE BEEN GOING OUT A WEEK.
488 THEY HAVEN'T EVEN SLEPT TOGETHER YET.
489 I MEAN, THAT'S NOT SERIOUS.
490 OKAY. OKAY.
491 OKAY. OH...
492 OH!
493 YEAH, UM...
494 MAY WE HELP YOU?
495 RACHEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
496 IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE.
497 WOULD YOU COME BACK INSIDE?
498 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
499 YOU WANTED ME TO TAKE THEM DOWN
500 SO I'M TAKING THEM DOWN, OKAY?
501 WHOA. WHOA!
502 RACHEL!
503 RACHEL!
504 I'M OKAY! I'M OKAY!
505 MR. HECKLES?
506 MR. HECKLES, COULD YOU HELP ME, PLEASE?
507 SEE, THIS IS JUST THE KIND OF THING
508 I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
509

S01E17

1 PREVIOUSLY:
2 EXCUSE ME, MISS.
3 IT'S PHOEBE.
4 WOULD THAT BE ALL?
5 THEY'RE TWINS.
6 PHOEBE'S PHOEBE.
7 URSULA'S... HOT.
8 IT'S FOR URSULA.
9 SURE. HERE.
10 OKAY, IT FITS.
11 MARCEL, GIVE ROSSY THE REMOTE.
12 ( audio in Spanish )
13 HOW DID HE DO THIS?
14 IT'S THIS WHOLE STUPID URSULA THING.
15 HE'S GOING OUT WITH HER.
16 IS IT REALLY SO TERRIBLE?
17 YOU DON'T KNOW HER.
18 TALK TO JOEY.
19 HE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER.
20 YOU WON'T LOSE HIM.
21 THEY HAVEN'T EVEN SLEPT TOGETHER YET.
22 IT'S NOT SERIOUS.
23 OH!
24 UM... YEAH...
25 MAY WE HELP YOU?
26 ( yelping )
27 RACHEL!
28 I'M OKAY! I'M OKAY!
29 Rachel: OW, OW, OW.
30 Monica: OW, OW, OW.
31 OW, OW, OW.
32 OW, OW, OW.
33 HI. MY FRIEND WAS TAKING DOWN
34 OUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
35 AND FELL OFF THE BALCONY
36 AND PROBABLY BROKE HER FOOT.
37 YOU STILL HAVE YOUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP?!
38 FILL THIS OUT
39 AND BRING IT BACK TO ME.
40 OW, OW, OW.
41 OW, OW, OW.
42 OKAY. OKAY.
43 OOH. ALL RIGHT.
44 NAME.
45 ADDRESS.
46 OKAY. IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, CALL..?
47 YOU.
48 REALLY?
49 YEAH.
50 OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
51 OH, GOSH.
52 I LOVE YOU.
53 INSURANCE?
54 OH, YEAH. CHECK IT.
55 DEFINITELY WILL WANT SOME.
56 YOU DON'T HAVE INSURANCE?
57 WHY? HOW MUCH WILL THIS COST?
58 X RAYS ALONE COULD BE A COUPLE HUNDRED DOLLARS.
59 WHAT WILL WE DO?
60 THERE'S NOT MUCH WE CAN DO.
61 UM... UNLESS, UNLESS I USE YOURS.
62 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
63 NOW, WAIT A SECOND.
64 WHO DID I JUST PUT
65 AS MY "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY" PERSON?
66 THAT'S INSURANCE FRAUD.
67 WELL, ALL RIGHT.
68 THEN, FORGET IT.
69 MIGHT AS WELL JUST GO HOME.
70 OW! OW! OW!
71 OKAY. COME HERE.
72 I HATE THIS.
73 THANK YOU.
74 I LOVE YOU.
75 HI.
76 UM, I'M GOING TO NEED A NEW SET OF THESE FORMS.
77 WHY?
78 I AM REALLY AN IDIOT.
79 YOU SEE
80 I WAS FILLING OUT MY FRIEND'S FORM
81 AND INSTEAD OF PUTTING HER INFORMATION
82 I PUT MINE.
83 YOU ARE AN IDIOT.
84 YEP. THAT'S ME.
85 I'M THAT STUPID.
86 I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT
87 WHERE I WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL WITH MY KID.
88 Both: THAT'S NICE.
89 NO. WITH HIM.
90 I'M ON THIS FIELD, AND THEY HIKE ME THE BABY.
91 AND I KNOW
92 I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING
93 'CAUSE THE TAMPA BAY DEFENSE
94 IS COMING RIGHT AT ME.
95 TAMPA BAY HAS A TERRIBLE TEAM.
96 RIGHT, BUT...
97 IT IS JUST ME AND THE BABY
98 SO I'M THINKING THEY CAN TAKE US.
99 AND SO, I, UH... I JUST HEAVE IT DOWNFIELD!
100 YOU'RE CRAZY?! THAT'S A BABY!
101 HE SHOULD TAKE THE SACK?
102 ANYWAY, SUDDENLY I'M DOWNFIELD, AND I REALIZE THAT I'M THE ONE
103 WHO'S SUPPOSED TO CATCH HIM, RIGHT?
104 ONLY I KNOW THERE IS NO WAY I'LL GET THERE IN TIME.
105 SO I AM RUNNING AND I'M RUNNING
106 AND THAT IS WHEN I WOKE UP.
107 SEE, I AM SO NOT READY TO BE A FATHER.
108 HEY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.
109 YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST CARING
110 MOST RESPONSIBLE MEN
111 IN NORTH AMERICA.
112 YOU'LL MAKE A GREAT DAD.
113 YEAH. YOU AND THE BABY JUST NEED BETTER BLOCKING.
114 HAVE EITHER ONE OF YOU
115 EVER BEEN TO THE RAINBOW ROOM?
116 IS IT REAL EXPENSIVE?
117 ONLY IF YOU ORDER STUFF.
118 I'M TAKING URSULA TONIGHT.
119 IT'S HER BIRTHDAY.
120 WHOA. WHAT ABOUT PHOEBE'S BIRTHDAY?
121 WHEN'S THAT?
122 UH...
123 TONIGHT.
124 AH, MAN.
125 WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING?
126 YOU TAKE YOUR TIME.
127 THERE IT IS.
128 SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
129 WHAT CAN I DO?
130 LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO SCREW IT UP WITH URSULA.
131 AND YOUR FRIEND PHOEBE?
132 IF SHE'S MY FRIEND, HOPEFULLY SHE'LL UNDERSTAND.
133 WOULDN'T YOU GUYS?
134 MAN, IF YOU TRIED SOMETHING LIKE THAT
135 ON MY BIRTHDAY
136 YOU'D BE STARING AT THE BUSINESS END
137 OF A HISSY FIT.
138 YOU ADD A PINCH OF SAFFRON.
139 IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
140 OKAY.
141 UHH... MONICA.
142 YES.
143 YES, SHE IS.
144 HI.
145 THIS IS MY FRIEND RACHEL.
146 HI, RACHEL.
147 I'M DR. MITCHELL.
148 AND I'M HIS FRIEND, DR. ROSEN.
149 YOU'RE A LITTLE CUTE TO BE A DOCTOR.
150 EXCUSE ME?
151 I MEANT "YOUNG."
152 YOUNG TO BE A DOCTOR.
153 GOOD, RACH.
154 THANK YOU.
155 RIGHT.
156 SO HE SAID IT WAS JUST A SPRAIN
157 AND THAT WAS IT.
158 YOU LEFT OUT THE STUPID PART.
159 IT'S NOT STUPID.
160 THE VERY CUTE DOCTORS ASKED US OUT
161 FOR TOMORROW NIGHT, AND I SAID YES.
162 I THINK IT'S TOTALLY INSANE.
163 THEY WORK FOR THE HOSPITAL.
164 IT'S LIKE RETURNING TO THE SCENE
165 OF THE CRIME.
166 I SAY WE BLOW OFF THE DATES.
167 WHAT?!
168 MONICA, THEY ARE CUTE.
169 THEY ARE DOCTORS.
170 CUTE DOCTORS.
171 DOCTORS WHO ARE CUTE.
172 ALL RIGHT.
173 WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED SO FAR?
174 ( knocking )
175 OH, GOD. OKAY.
176 All: SURPRISE!
177 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
178 YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME.
179 WAS THAT THE CAKE?
180 YEAH. YEP.
181 I GOT A LEMON SHMUSH.
182 COME ON. SHE'LL BE HERE SOON.
183 Rachel: OH, I HOPE IT'S OKAY.
184 "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PEEHEE."
185 MAYBE WE CAN MAKE A "B" OUT OF A ROSE.
186 WE'LL JUST USE OUR SPECIAL CAKE TOOLS.
187 HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
188 All: SURPRISE!
189 OH! OH! OH!
190 THIS IS SO GREAT!
191 OH, MY GOD!
192 THIS WAS NOT AT ALL SCARY.
193 HI, EVERYBODY. HI, BETTY.
194 BETTY! HI!
195 YOU FOUND BETTY!
196 THIS IS SO GREAT.
197 OH, EVERYBODY I LOVE IS IN THE SAME ROOM, OH.
198 WHERE'S JOEY?
199 DID YOU SEE BETTY?
200 I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING
201 A PIECE OF THIS SUN-DRIED
202 TOMATO BUSINESS.
203 FIVE YEARS AGO, IF SOMEBODY HAD SAID TO ME
204 "HERE'S A TOMATO THAT LOOKS LIKE A PRUNE"
205 I'D HAVE SAID, "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE."
206 DAD, BEFORE I WAS BORN, DID YOU FREAK OUT AT ALL?
207 I'M NOT FREAKING OUT!
208 I'M JUST SAYING
209 IF SOMEONE HAD COME TO ME...
210 DAD, DAD, DAD...
211 I'M TALKING ABOUT THE WHOLE BABY THING.
212 DID YOU EVER GET THIS SORT OF...
213 PANICKY, "OH, MY GOD, I'M GOING TO BE A FATHER"
214 KIND OF A THING?
215 NO.
216 YOUR MOTHER DID THE WORK.
217 I WAS BUSY WITH THE BUSINESS.
218 I WASN'T AROUND THAT MUCH.
219 IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?
220 NO, DAD. I WAS JUST WONDERING...
221 'CAUSE THERE'S TIME TO MAKE UP FOR THAT.
222 YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO THAT COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG.
223 HOW ABOUT WE DO THAT?
224 THANKS, DAD, REALLY.
225 I JU... YOU KNOW, I JUST...
226 I JUST... I JUST NEEDED TO KNOW, UM...
227 WHEN DID YOU START TO FEEL LIKE A FATHER?
228 OH.
229 WELL, I GUESS IT MUST HAVE BEEN...
230 THE DAY AFTER YOU WERE BORN.
231 WE WERE IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM.
232 YOUR MOTHER WAS ASLEEP
233 AND THEY BROUGHT YOU IN
234 AND GAVE YOU TO ME.
235 YOU WERE THIS UGLY LITTLE RED THING.
236 ( chuckles )
237 AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
238 YOU GRABBED MY FINGER WITH YOUR WHOLE FIST
239 AND YOU SQUEEZED IT SO TIGHT.
240 AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW.
241 SO YOU DON'T WANT TO GO
242 TO WILLIAMSBURG?
243 WE CAN GO TO WILLIAMSBURG.
244 EAT YOUR FISH.
245 ( audio in Spanish )
246 RACHEL, THE CUTE DOCTORS ARE HERE.
247 HI. COME ON IN.
248 Both: HI.
249 HI.
250 WE BROUGHT WINE.
251 IT'S FROM THE CELLARS
252 OF ERNEST AND TOVA BORGNINE.
253 SO, HOW COULD WE RESIST?
254 OH, THAT'S GREAT!
255 MONICA, HOW'S THE ANKLE?
256 IT'S...
257 ( Rachel clearing throat )
258 WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM?
259 AFTER ALL, IT IS YOUR ANKLE.
260 IT'S FEELING A LOT BETTER.
261 THANK YOU.
262 LISTEN, GUYS, SIT DOWN
263 AND WE'LL GET YOU SOME GLASSES.
264 OKAY.
265 OKAY.
266 STAT.
267 LISTEN. I'M THINKING
268 LET'S JUST TELL THEM WHO WE ARE.
269 I REALLY THINK IT'LL BE FINE.
270 IT WILL NOT BE FINE.
271 WE'LL GET IN TROUBLE.
272 WOULD YOU STOP BEING SUCH A WUSS.
273 A WUSS?
274 EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD.
275 SO?
276 SO THEY STILL SEEM NORMAL.
277 THEY ARE NORMAL.
278 BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT
279 EVERY TIME WE GO OUT WITH WOMEN
280 WE MEET AT THE HOSPITAL...
281 RELAX. LOOK AROUND.
282 THERE ARE NO PAGAN ALTARS.
283 NO PILES OF BONES IN THE CORNERS.
284 THEY'RE FINE.
285 GO LIKE THIS.
286 I SAID WE ARE NOT GOING TO DO IT.
287 SOMETIMES YOU CAN BE SUCH A BIG BABY.
288 I AM NOT A BABY.
289 SERIOUS. I MEAN, EVERY TIME...
290 YOU KNOW WHAT?
291 WHAT?
292 YOU KNOW WHAT?
293 WHAT?!
294 EVERY DAY, YOU ARE BECOMING
295 MORE AND MORE LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
296 EXCUSE ME.
297 HELLO! HERE WE GO!
298 THIS IS A GREAT PLACE.
299 HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIVED HERE?
300 THANKS. I'VE BEEN HERE ABOUT SIX YEARS.
301 AND RACHEL MOVED IN A FEW MONTHS AGO.
302 YEAH.
303 SEE, I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED, BUT, UM...
304 I LEFT THE GUY AT THE ALTAR.
305 HMM.
306 REALLY?
307 YEAH.
308 YEAH, I KNOW IT'S PRETTY SELFISH
309 BUT, HEY, THAT'S ME.
310 WHY DON'T YOU TRY THE HUMMUS?
311 SO, MONICA, WHAT DO YOU DO?
312 UHH... I AM A CHEF AT A RESTAURANT UPTOWN.
313 GOOD FOR YOU.
314 YEAH, IT IS.
315 MOSTLY BECAUSE I GET TO BOSS PEOPLE AROUND
316 WHICH I JUST LOVE TO DO.
317 WELL, THIS HUMMUS IS GREAT.
318 GOD BLESS THE CHICK-PEA.
319 ( breaking into laughter )
320 OH, GOD.
321 I AM SO SPOILED.
322 THAT'S IT.
323 AND BY THE WAY
324 HAVE I MENTIONED THAT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL
325 I WAS A COW?
326 I USED TO WET MY BED.
327 I USED MY BREASTS TO GET PEOPLE'S ATTENTION.
328 WE BOTH DO THAT.
329 ( phone ringing )
330 ( ringing continues )
331 MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT.
332 UH, JUST ONE SECOND.
333 UH, RACHEL--
334 IT'S YOUR DAD.
335 HI, DAD.
336 NO. IT'S ME.
337 LISTEN, DAD, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
338 BUT THERE'S SOMETHING, UM...
339 THERE'S SOMETHING THAT
340 I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU.
341 EXCUSE ME A SECOND.
342 REMEMBER BACK IN FRESHMAN YEAR?
343 BILLY DRESKIN AND I HAD SEX
344 ON YOUR BED.
345 ( gasping )
346 DADDY... DADDY, WHY?
347 WHY WOULD I SLEEP WITH BILLY DRESKIN?
348 HIS FATHER TRIED TO PUT YOU OUT OF BUSINESS.
349 YOU ARE DEAD!
350 ROSS, HE'S GOT THE REMOTE AGAIN.
351 GOOD.
352 MAYBE HE CAN SWITCH IT BACK.
353 ( TV audio in Spanish )
354 MAYBE NOT.
355 HELLO?
356 UM... YEAH.
357 UH... OKAY.
358 HOLD ON A SECOND.
359 LET ME JUST SEE IF SHE'S HERE.
360 IT'S THE WOMAN FROM THE HOSPITAL
361 ADMISSIONS OFFICE.
362 THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH THE FORM.
363 OH, GOD. WHAT DO WE DO?
364 I DON'T KNOW.
365 FIND OUT WHAT THEY WANT.
366 OKAY. NO, YOU DO IT.
367 HELLO. THIS IS MONICA.
368 YEAH?
369 OH.
370 OKAY.
371 YES, WE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
372 THANK YOU.
373 WHAT?
374 WE FORGOT TO SIGN
375 ONE OF THE ADMISSIONS FORMS.
376 OKAY, YOU WERE RIGHT.
377 THIS WAS NOT WORTH IT.
378 THANK YOU.
379 OKAY, LET ME JUST CHANGE.
380 HEY.
381 HEY.HI. HEY.
382 TROUBLE?
383 YOUR SISTER STOOD ME UP THE OTHER NIGHT.
384 OH, NO. DON'T YOU HATE IT
385 WHEN PEOPLE AREN'T THERE FOR YOU?
386 DID YOU TRY CALLING HER?
387 I'VE BEEN TRYING FOR TWO DAYS.
388 WHEN I CALLED THE RESTAURANT
389 THEY SAID SHE WAS TOO BUSY TO TALK.
390 I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S BLOWING ME OFF.
391 HEY.
392 OH.
393 HAVE YOU GOT A MINUTE?
394 YEAH. I'M JUST WORKING.
395 SO...
396 UH-HUH.
397 UM... OH, I GOT YOU A BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
398 OH, WOW, YOU REMEMBERED.
399 OH, IT'S A JUDY JETSON THERMOS.
400 THE KIND YOU...
401 RIGHT.
402 I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU TOO.
403 HOW'D YOU KNOW
404 I WAS COMING?
405 UM... YEAH, UM, TWIN THING.
406 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS.
407 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU... DID THIS.
408 SO...
409 WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YOU AND JOEY?
410 OH, RIGHT.
411 HE IS SO GREAT.
412 BUT THAT'S OVER.
413 DOES HE KNOW?
414 WHO?
415 JOEY.
416 YOU KNOW, UM...
417 HE'S REALLY NUTSY ABOUT YOU.
418 HE IS? WHY?
419 YOU GOT ME.
420 EXCUSE ME.
421 DOESN'T THIS COME WITH A SIDE SALAD?
422 SO, ARE YOU GOING TO CALL HIM?
423 YOU THINK HE LIKES ME?
424 NO, JOEY.
425 OH. NO.
426 NO. HE IS SO SMART.
427 HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
428 DO YOU WANT SOME CHICKEN?
429 NO. NO FOOD WITH A FACE.
430 YOU HAVE NOT CHANGED.
431 YEAH, YOU TOO.
432 HI. REMEMBER US?
433 MM-HMM.
434 YOU JUST CALLED A LITTLE WHILE AGO
435 ABOUT NEEDING A SIGNATURE ON THE ADMISSIONS FORM.
436 WELL, IT TURNS OUT WE NEED A WHOLE NEW ONE
437 BECAUSE, YOU SEE, I PUT THE WRONG NAME AGAIN
438 'CAUSE, UM...
439 YOU'RE THAT STUPID.
440 I AM.
441 I'M THAT STUPID.
442 YEAH, AND I'M JUST GOING
443 TO PAY FOR THIS WITH A CHECK.
444 WELL, YOUR INSURANCE WILL COVER THAT.
445 YEAH, I KNOW.
446 I'M JUST NOT THAT BRIGHT EITHER.
447 OKAY, WORST CASE SCENARIO.
448 SAY YOU NEVER FEEL LIKE A FATHER.
449 SAY YOUR SON NEVER FEELS
450 CONNECTED TO YOU AS ONE.
451 SAY ALL OF HIS RELATIONSHIPS
452 ARE AFFECTED BY THIS.
453 DO YOU HAVE A POINT?
454 YOU KNOW, YOU'D THINK I WOULD.
455 WHAT'S UP WITH THE SIMIAN?
456 IT'S JUST A FURBALL.
457 ALL RIGHT.
458 OKAY, WHOSE TURN IS IT?
459 YOURS.
460 I JUST GOT 43 POINTS FOR "KIDNEY."
461 NO, YOU GOT ZERO POINTS FOR "IDNEY."
462 HEY, WHERE'S MY "K"?
463 ( choking )
464 YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.
465 MY MONKEY SWALLOWED A "K."
466 YOU'LL HAVE TO GET
467 THAT ANIMAL OUT OF HERE.
468 THE ANIMAL HOSPITAL IS WAY ACROSS TOWN.
469 HE'S CHOKING.
470 WHAT'S GOING ON?
471 MARCEL SWALLOWED A SCRABBLE TILE.
472 OH.
473 EXCUSE ME.
474 THIS HOSPITAL IS FOR PEOPLE.
475 LADY, HE IS PEOPLE.
476 HE HAS A NAME, OKAY?
477 HE WATCHES JEOPARDY
478 HE TOUCHES HIMSELF WHEN NOBODY'S WATCHING.
479 PLEASE, PLEASE, HAVE A HEART.
480 I'LL LOOK AT HIM.
481 OH, THANK YOU. OH, THANK YOU.
482 MICHAEL! MICHAEL!
483 RACHEL.
484 WHAT?
485 MONICA.
486 HI. OH.
487 HEY...
488 URS... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
489 I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU.
490 LISTEN, UM...
491 NO, NO, NO, DON'T SAY, "LISTEN."
492 I KNOW THAT "LISTEN."
493 I'VE SAID THAT "LISTEN."
494 I'M SORRY.
495 I DON'T GET IT.
496 WHAT HAPPENED?
497 WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU SAID UNDER THE BRIDGE?
498 YEAH, UM...
499 YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD JUST FORGET ABOUT
500 WHAT I SAID UNDER THE BRIDGE.
501 I WAS TALKING CRAZY THAT NIGHT.
502 I WAS SO DRUNK.
503 YOU DON'T DRINK.
504 THAT'S RIGHT, I DON'T.
505 BUT I WAS DRUNK ON YOU.
506 OH, URS.
507 YEAH, SO IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
508 WHY? IS IT BECAUSE I'M FRIENDS WITH PHOEBE?
509 IF IT WAS, WOULD YOU STOP HANGING OUT WITH HER?
510 NO.
511 NO. I COULDN'T DO THAT.
512 THEN, YEAH.
513 IT'S 'CAUSE OF PHOEBE.
514 SO, IT'S EITHER HER OR ME.
515 THEN, UH... THEN I'M SORRY.
516 YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING TO BE REALLY HARD TO GET OVER.
517 I KNOW.
518 I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S JUST 'CAUSE WE'RE BREAKING UP OR WHAT
519 BUT YOU HAVE NEVER LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL.
520 REALLY?
521 PHEEBS?
522 YEAH?
523 HE LOOKS SO TINY.
524 WE JUST GOT THE MESSAGE.
525 IS HE ALL RIGHT?
526 YEAH. THE DOCTOR GOT THE "K" OUT.
527 HE ALSO FOUND AN "M" AND AN "O."
528 WE THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SPELL OUT "MONKEY."
529 WELL, THE DOCTOR SAYS HE'S GOING TO BE FINE.
530 HE'S JUST SLEEPING NOW.
531 SO, YOU FEEL LIKE A DAD YET?
532 NO. WHY?
533 HEY, COME ON.
534 YOU CAME THROUGH.
535 YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO.
536 THAT'S VERY DAD.
537 OH, LOOK.
538 HE'S WAKING UP.
539 HEY, FELLA.
540 HOW YOU DOING?
541 ♪ IN A NEW YORK MINUTE ♪
542 ♪ OOH-EE-OOH ♪
543 ♪ EVERYTHING CAN CHANGE ♪
544 ♪ IN A NEW YORK MINUTE... ♪
545 [Captioning sponsored by NBC and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION]
546 ¿A QUIEN PIDIO EL POLLO GENERAL TSO?
547 PUDO AVICIEDO GENERAL TSO.
548 MIRA, MIRA, EL VIEJO DESNUDO ESTA ESIENDO EL HULA HOOP.
549 Todo: HOLA, JOEY!
550 HOLA, AMIGOS.
551 MIRA, ROSS, MARCEL SE LLEVO EL CONTROL REMOTO.
552 LO QUE SUCEDIO ES QUE NO LE GUSTA LA TELE.
553 [Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]
554

S01E18

1 ( whistling "Colonel Bogey March" )
2 Ross: OH, RACH, WE'RE RUNNING LOW
3 ON RESUMES OVER HERE.
4 DO YOU REALLY WANT A JOB WITH POPULAR MECHANICS?
5 IF YOU'RE GOING TO WORK FOR A MECHANIC
6 THOSE ARE THE ONES TO WORK FOR.
7 LOOK, I'M GOING FOR ANYTHING.
8 I CANNOT BE A WAITRESS ANYMORE.
9 I'M SICK OF THE LOUSY TIPS
10 SICK OF BEING CALLED "EXCUSE ME."
11 Ross: RACH, DID YOU
12 PROOFREAD THESE?
13 UH, YEAH. WHY?
14 UH, NOTHING. I'M SURE THEY'LL BE IMPRESSED
15 WITH YOUR EXCELLENT "COMPUPER" SKILLS.
16 OH, MY GOD!
17 OH, DO YOU THINK IT'S ON ALL OF THEM?
18 OH, NO. I'M SURE THE XEROX MACHINE CAUGHT A FEW.
19 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
20 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
21 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
22 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
23 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
24 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
25 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
26 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
27 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
28 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
29 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
30 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
31 HEY, GUYS.
32 Both: HEY.
33 HEY.
34 HI, LADIES.
35 UH, CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
36 DID YOU BRING THE MAIL?
37 LOTS OF RESPONSES.
38 REALLY? SURE WE HAVE SCONES LEFT.
39 OKAY, READ THEM TO ME.
40 "DEAR MS. GREEN, THANK YOU FOR YOUR INQUIRY.
41 HOWEVER..."
42 WE HAVE APPLE CINNAMON...
43 OKAY, "DEAR MS. GREEN..."
44 YEP, YEP, YEP.
45 NO.
46 WOW. WHAT?
47 YOUR VISA BILL IS HUGE.
48 GIVE ME THAT.
49 LINDA IS SO GREAT.
50 WHY WON'T YOU GO OUT WITH HER AGAIN?
51 I DON'T KNOW.
52 IS THIS STILL ABOUT HER WHOLE
53 "THE FLINTSTONES COULD HAVE REALLY HAPPENED" THING?
54 NO. IT'S NOT JUST THAT.
55 IT'S JUST I WANT SOMEONE WHO DOES SOMETHING FOR ME.
56 WHO GETS MY HEART POUNDING.
57 WHO... WHO MAKES ME, UH...
58 LITTLE PLAYTHINGS WITH YARN?
59 WHAT?
60 COULD YOU WANT HER MORE?
61 WHO?
62 DEE, THE SARCASTIC SISTER FROM WHAT'S HAPPENING.
63 LOOK, I...
64 LOOK, I AM TOTALLY, TOTALLY OVER HER, OKAY...
65 HI. HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
66 NO. WE'RE FINE.
67 OKAY.
68 ( laughs )
69 SHUT UP!
70 WE'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING.
71 WHAT? UH, JOEY CRIED LAST NIGHT.
72 THANK YOU.
73 WE WERE PLAYING POKER, ALL RIGHT...
74 THERE WAS CHOCOLATE ON THE "THREE."
75 IT LOOKED LIKE AN "EIGHT," ALL RIGHT?
76 YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM.
77 "READ 'EM AND WEEP."
78 AND THEN HE DID.
79 NOW, HOW COME YOU GUYS
80 HAVE NEVER PLAYED POKER WITH US?
81 YEAH, WHAT IS THAT--
82 LIKE, SOME KIND OF SEXIST GUY THING?
83 LIKE, IT'S POKER, SO ONLY GUYS CAN PLAY.
84 NO. WOMEN ARE WELCOME TO PLAY.
85 SO THEN WHAT IS IT?
86 SOME KIND OF, YOU KNOW, LIKE...
87 SOME KIND OF, LIKE...
88 ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS IT?
89 THERE JUST DON'T HAPPEN TO BE ANY WOMEN IN OUR GAME.
90 WE JUST DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW ANY WOMEN
91 THAT KNOW HOW TO PLAY POKER.
92 THAT IS SUCH A LAME EXCUSE.
93 IT'S A TYPICAL GUY RESPONSE.
94 DO ANY OF YOU PLAY?
95 All: NO.
96 BUT YOU COULD TEACH US.
97 All: NO.
98 OKAY, SO NOW...
99 ( slowly ): WE DRAW CARDS.
100 I WOULDN'T NEED ANY, RIGHT?
101 'CAUSE I HAVE A STRAIGHT.
102 GOOD FOR YOU!
103 CONGRATULATIONS!
104 ( bell dings )
105 OKAY, PHOEBS, HOW MANY DO YOU WANT?
106 OKAY. I JUST NEED TWO.
107 THE TEN OF SPADES AND THE SIX OF CLUBS.
108 NO, PHOEBS, YOU CAN'T DO...
109 I HAVE THE TEN OF SPADES.
110 NO, NO...
111 UH, NO, SEE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
112 NO, THAT'S OKAY.
113 I DON'T NEED THEM. I'M GOING FOR FOURS.
114 OH, YOU'RE...
115 ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
116 WE GOT SALMON ROULETTES AND ASSORTED CRUDITES.
117 WHOA, WHOA, MONICA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
118 THIS IS A POKER GAME.
119 YOU CAN'T SERVE FOOD
120 WITH MORE THAN ONE SYLLABLE.
121 IT'S GOT TO BE LIKE CHIPS, OR DIP, OR PRETZ...
122 OKAY, SO AT THIS POINT, THE DEALER...
123 WE GOT IT. LET'S PLAY FOR REAL.
124 HIGH STAKES, BIG BUCKS.
125 ARE YOU SURE?
126 PHOEBE JUST THREW AWAY TWO JACKS
127 BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T LOOK HAPPY.
128 BUT I'M READY, SO JUST DEAL.
129 OKAY. LAST-MINUTE LESSON.
130 JOEY, THREE...
131 EIGHT.
132 EIGHT, THREE.
133 ALL RIGHT. VERY GOOD.
134 DAMMIT!
135 DAMMIT! DAMMIT!
136 I SEE. SO THEN, YOU WERE LYING.
137 ABOUT WHAT?
138 ABOUT HOW GOOD YOUR CARDS WERE.
139 I WAS BLUFFING.
140 UH-HUH.
141 AND WHAT IS BLUFFING?
142 IS IT NOT ANOTHER WORD FOR LYING?
143 OKAY. SORRY
144 TO BREAK UP THIS PARTY
145 BUT I'VE GOT TO GO FAX RESUMES...
146 RACH, WE GOT TO SETTLE.
147 SETTLE WHAT?
148 THE JAMESTOWN COLONY OF VIRGINIA.
149 YOU SEE, KING GEORGE IS GIVING US THE LAND...
150 THE GAME, RACHEL.
151 YOU OWE US MONEY FOR THE GAME.
152 OH. RIGHT.
153 GUYS, IT'S THEIR FIRST TIME.
154 LET'S FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY.
155 HELL, NO, WE'LL PAY.
156 MONICA, I HAD ANOTHER ANSWER ALL READY.
157 AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
158 WE WANT A REMATCH.
159 WELL, THAT'S FINE WITH ME.
160 COULD USE THE MONEY.
161 SO BASICALLY, YOU GET YOUR YA-YAS
162 BY TAKING MONEY FROM ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.
163 YEAH.
164 YES, AND I GET MY YA-YAS FROM IKEA.
165 YOU HAVE TO PUT THEM TOGETHER YOURSELF
166 BUT THEY COST A LITTLE LESS.
167 LOOK, RACH, THIS IS POKER.
168 I PLAY TO WIN, ALL RIGHT?
169 AND FOR ME TO WIN, OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO LOSE.
170 SO IF YOU PLAY POKER WITH ME
171 DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE A NICE GUY.
172 'CAUSE ONCE THOSE CARDS ARE DEALT...
173 YEAH?
174 I'M NOT A NICE GUY.
175 ALL RIGHT, BOYS, LET'S EAT.
176 OH, DID YOU GET THAT
177 FROM THE "I LOVE RACHEL" PIZZERIA?
178 YOU STILL ON THAT?
179 WHAT WAS WITH THAT WHOLE BLACK BART SPEECH?
180 "WHEN I PLAY POKER, I'M NOT A NICE GUY."
181 YOU ARE WAY OFF, PAL.
182 I DON'T THINK SO, SEE, ROSS
183 BECAUSE I THINK YOU LOVE HER.
184 UH, NO.
185 I MIGHT HAVE HAD FEELINGS FOR HER AT ONE TIME, NOT ANYMORE.
186 ( squeaking )
187 MARCEL!
188 WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DISK?
189 YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THAT ON, AGAIN.
190 IF YOU PRESS THAT BUTTON, YOU ARE IN VERY,
191 VERY BIG TROUBLE.
192 ( playing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" )
193 DO YOU BELIEVE WHAT A JERK ROSS WAS BEING?
194 YEAH, I KNOW.
195 HE CAN GET REALLY COMPETITIVE.
196 ( sarcastic chuckle )
197 WHAT?
198 HELLO, KETTLE? THIS IS MONICA.
199 YOU'RE BLACK.
200 PLEASE.
201 I AM NOT AS BAD AS ROSS.
202 OH, I BEG TO DIFFER.
203 THE PICTIONARY INCIDENT.
204 THAT WAS NOT AN INCIDENT.
205 I WAS GESTURING
206 AND THE PLATE SLIPPED OUT OF MY HAND.
207 OH...
208 OH! I GOT AN INTERVIEW!
209 YOU'RE KIDDING.
210 WHERE?
211 SAKS FIFTH AVENUE.
212 OH, RACHEL.
213 IT'S LIKE THE MOTHER SHIP IS CALLING YOU HOME.
214 WHAT'S THE JOB?
215 ASSISTANT BUYER.
216 OH!
217 I WOULD BE SHOPPING...
218 FOR A LIVING!
219 ( knock on door ) OKAY, THAT IS AUNT IRIS.
220 THIS WOMAN HAS BEEN PLAYING POKER SINCE SHE WAS FIVE.
221 LISTEN TO EVERY WORD SHE SAYS.
222 HI. IS TONY RANDALL DEAD?
223 NO. WHY? I DON'T THINK SO.
224 WELL, HE MAY BE NOW, BECAUSE I THINK
225 I HIT HIM WITH MY CAR.
226 OH, MY GOD, REALLY?!
227 NO. THAT'S BLUFFING--
228 LESSON NUMBER ONE.
229 LISTEN
230 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
231 EVERYTHING YOU HEAR AT A POKER GAME
232 IS PURE CRAP.
233 NICE EARRINGS.
234 THANK YO...
235 GIRLS, SIT DOWN.
236 AUNT IRIS, THIS IS PHOEBE, AND THAT'S...
237 YEAH, YEAH. I AM PARKED AT A METER.
238 LET'S DO IT, OKAY?
239 ( music playing )
240 ROSS, COULD WE PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE?
241 ALL RIGHT.
242 I'M GOING TO PAY FOR THAT TONIGHT.
243 ( knocking on door )
244 HI.
245 GUYS, GUESS WHAT? GUESS WHAT?
246 OKAY. THE FIFTH DENTIST CAVED
247 AND NOW THEY'RE ALL RECOMMENDING TRIDENT?
248 NO, THE INTERVIEW!
249 SHE ABSOLUTELY LOVED ME.
250 WE TALKED FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
251 WE HAVE THE SAME TASTE IN CLOTHES.
252 AND I WENT TO CAMP WITH HER COUSIN.
253 AND, OH, THE JOB IS PERFECT.
254 I COULD DO THIS WELL.
255 OH! AND THEN SHE TOLD THE FUNNIEST STORY.
256 GREAT. YOU'LL TELL US AND WE'LL LAUGH.
257 LET'S PLAY POKER.
258 ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, YOU GUYS.
259 IF YOU DON'T WANT TO PLAY
260 WE'D COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.
261 YES. WE COULD PLAY SOME OTHER GAME
262 LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, PICTIONARY?
263 VERY FUNNY, VERY FUNNY.
264 BUT WE'D LIKE TO GIVE POKER ANOTHER TRY.
265 SHALL WE, LADIES?
266 Both: I THINK WE SHOULD.
267 DO YOU WANT ME TO SHUFFLE THOSE?
268 NO. THAT'S OKAY.
269 I'M GOING TO GIVE IT A GO.
270 ALL RIGHT...
271 UM...
272 SO, PHOEBS OWES 7.50, MONICA, YOU OWE TEN DOLLARS
273 AND, RACHEL, YOU OWE
274 15 BIG ONES.
275 AND, HEY
276 THANKS FOR TEACHING US
277 CROSS-EYED MARY.
278 WE GOT TO PLAY THAT
279 AT OUR REGULAR GAME.
280 HERE'S MY 7.50, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THIS MONEY IS CURSED.
281 WHAT?
282 OH, I CURSED IT.
283 SO NOW BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO HE WHO SPENDS IT.
284 I'LL TAKE IT.
285 BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO ME ANYWAY.
286 THIS WAY I CAN BREAK THEM UP WITH A MOVIE.
287 SO THAT JUST LEAVES THE BIG, GREEN POKER MACHINE
288 WHO OWES 15.
289 OH, IT'S SO TYPICAL.
290 OOH, I'M A MAN.
291 OOH, I HAVE A PENIS.
292 OOH, I HAVE TO WIN MONEY TO EXERT MY POWER
293 OVER WOMEN.
294 YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS NOT OVER.
295 WE WILL PLAY YOU AGAIN, AND WE WILL WIN
296 AND YOU WILL LOSE
297 AND YOU WILL BEG, AND WE WILL LAUGH
298 AND WE WILL TAKE EVERY LAST DIME YOU HAVE
299 AND YOU WILL HATE YOURSELVES FOREVER.
300 HMM. YOU KIND OF STEPPED ON MY POINT THERE, MON.
301 YOU GALS WANT TO HAND OVER YOUR MONEY NOW?
302 THAT WAY WE DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE FORMALITY
303 OF ACTUALLY PLAYING.
304 OH, THAT'S FINE.
305 WE'LL SEE WHO HAS THE LAST LAUGH THERE MONKEY BOY.
306 OKAY, WE DONE WITH THE CHIT-CHAT?
307 ARE WE READY TO PLAY SERIOUS POKER?
308 HEY, YOU GUYS, LOOK, THE ONE-EYED JACK
309 FOLLOWS ME WHEREVER I GO.
310 RIGHT, OKAY. SERIOUS POKER.
311 Monica: EXCUSE ME. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
312 TO THE BATHROOM.
313 DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM OR PLAY POKER?
314 I WANT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
315 WELL, I'M GOING TO ORDER A PIZZA.
316 OH, NO, NO, NO, NO!
317 I'M STILL WAITING TO HEAR FROM THAT JOB
318 AND THE STORE CLOSES AT 9:00, SO YOU CAN EAT THEN.
319 THAT'S FINE.
320 I'LL JUST HAVE A TIC TAC
321 TO HOLD ME OVER.
322 ALL RIGHT.
323 CINCINNATI, NO BLIND.
324 EVERYBODY ANTE.
325 YES!
326 OR NO.
327 ALL RIGHT!
328 YOUR MONEY'S MINE, GREEN.
329 YOUR FLY IS OPEN, GELLER.
330 YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST REALIZED?
331 "JOKER" IS "POKER" WITH A "J."
332 COINCIDENCE?
333 HEY, THAT'S...
334 THAT'S "JOINCIDENCE" WITH A "C."
335 UH, PHOEBE? PHOEBE?
336 YEAH. UM, I'M OUT.
337 I'M IN.
338 ME TOO.
339 ME TOO. WHAT DO YOU GOT?
340 WELL, YOU'D BETTER HOP OUT OF THE SHOWER
341 'CAUSE I GOTTA FLUSH.
342 WELL, WELL, WELL, HOP BACK IN, BUCKO
343 'CAUSE I GOT FOUR SIXES.
344 I GOT FOUR SIXES. I WON.
345 I ACTUALLY WON. OH, MY...
346 I'M GOING TO MAKE A LITTLE ROSS PILE.
347 I THINK THAT ONE WAS ROSS'S
348 AND, OOH, THAT ONE WAS ROSS'S.
349 ♪ WELL, I HAVE GOT YOUR MONEY ♪
350 ♪ AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE IT ♪
351 ♪ AND YOUR FLY'S STILL OPEN ♪
352 ♪ HAH, I MADE YOU LOOK. ♪
353 Phoebe: MONICA, IN OR OUT?
354 I HATE THIS GAME.
355 OKAY, JOEY, YOUR BET.
356 I FOLD LIKE A CHEAP HOOKER WHO GOT HIT IN THE STOMACH
357 BY A FAT GUY WITH SORES ON HIS FACE.
358 OH, I'M OUT.
359 ROSS?
360 OH, I'M VERY IN.
361 CHANDLER?
362 COULDN'T BE MORE OUT.
363 ME TOO.
364 RACHEL.
365 UM, I WILL SEE YOU...
366 AND I'LL RAISE YOU.
367 WHAT DO YOU SAY? YOU WANT TO WASTE ANOTHER BUCK?
368 NOPE, NOT THIS TIME.
369 SO, WHAT DID YOU HAVE?
370 I'M NOT TELLING. SHOW THEM TO ME.
371 NO. SHOW THEM TO ME.
372 GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF THERE. NO.
373 I'VE HAD DATES LIKE THIS.
374 BOY, YOU REALLY CAN'T STAND TO LOSE, CAN YOU?
375 YOUR WHOLE FACE IS GETTING RED.
376 THE LITTLE VEIN'S POPPING OUT OF YOUR TEMPLE.
377 PLUS, THAT SHIRT DOESN'T REALLY MATCH THOSE PANTS.
378 FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT LOSING...
379 ( phone rings )
380 HELLO. RACHEL GREEN.
381 ( mimicking ): MM-MM-MM-MM-MM.
382 EXCUSE ME.
383 IT'S ABOUT THE JOB.
384 BARBARA, HI. HOW ARE YOU?
385 UH-HUH.
386 NO, I UNDERSTAND.
387 YEAH, OH, WELL, COME ON. NO, I'M FINE.
388 DON'T BE SILLY.
389 YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW, IF ANYTHING ELSE OPENS UP,
390 PLEASE... HELLO?
391 HELLO?
392 HMM...
393 SORRY, RACH.
394 THERE'S GOING TO BE LOTS OF OTHER STUFF.
395 YEAH. OKAY.
396 WHERE WERE WE?
397 OH. OKAY.
398 FIVE-CARD DRAW.
399 UH... JACKS OR BETTER.
400 NOTHING WILD. EVERYBODY ANTE.
401 LOOK, RACH, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
402 YES, WE DO.
403 ALL RIGHT, CHECK.
404 CHECK.
405 I'M IN FOR 50 CENTS.
406 CALL.
407 I'M IN.
408 I SEE YOUR 50 CENTS...
409 AND I RAISE YOU...
410 FIVE DOLLARS.
411 I THOUGHT IT WAS A 50-CENT LIMIT.
412 I JUST LOST A JOB AND I'D LIKE TO RAISE
413 THE BET FIVE BUCKS.
414 DOES ANYBODY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
415 NOT AT ALL. NO. NO, NO.
416 LOSER?
417 NO, I FOLD.
418 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT IS THIS?
419 I THOUGHT THAT
420 "ONCE THE CARDS ARE DEALT, I'M NOT A NICE GUY."
421 WERE YOU JUST FULL OF IT?
422 I'M IN.
423 HOW MANY YOU WANT?
424 ONE.
425 DEALER TAKES TWO.
426 WHAT DO YOU BET?
427 I BET TWO DOLLARS.
428 OKAY.
429 SEE YOUR TWO...
430 AND I RAISE YOU...
431 TWENTY.
432 WHA...
433 I'LL SEE YOUR 20...
434 RAISE YOU 25.
435 SEE YOUR 25...
436 AND, UH... MONICA, GET MY PURSE.
437 RACHEL, THERE'S NOTHING IN IT.
438 OKAY, THEN GET ME YOUR PURSE.
439 OKAY...
440 HERE YOU GO. GOOD LUCK.
441 THANK YOU.
442 I SAW YOUR 25, AND I RAISE YOU...
443 SEVEN.
444 TEEN.
445 JOEY, I'M A LITTLE SHY.
446 THAT'S OKAY, ROSS.
447 YOU CAN ASK ME.
448 WHAT DO YOU NEED?
449 FIFTEEN.
450 HERE'S TEN.
451 HERE, I GOT FIVE.
452 THANK YOU.
453 GOOD LUCK.
454 OKAY, I AM CALLING YOUR 17.
455 WHAT DO YOU GOT?
456 FULL HOUSE.
457 YOU GOT ME.
458 OH! OH!
459 ♪ DA, DA, DA, DA, DA-DA ♪
460 ♪ DA, DA, DA, DA, DA-DA... ♪
461 OH...
462 OH!
463 THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
464 I THOUGHT WE HAD THEM.
465 WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE CARDS, YOU DON'T HAVE THE CARDS
466 BUT LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE IS.
467 AIRPLANE. AIRPORT.
468 AIRPORT '75! AIRPORT '77!
469 AIRPORT '79!
470 BYE, BYE... BIRDIE!
471 WHAT?
472 THAT'S A BIRD?
473 THAT'S A BIRD.
474 Rachel: OKAY, IT'S MY TURN.
475 GO.
476 UH, BEAN.
477 BEAN.
478 THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING!
479 YES!
480 THAT'S IT!
481 YES!
482 THAT YOU GET?
483 THAT YOU GET?
484

S01E19

1 Okay, okay, I checked.
2 We have Earl Grey, English Breakfast
3 Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry
4 and, uh, oh, wait, there's one more.
5 Um...Lemon Soother.
6 You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you?
7 Okay.
8 [theme song]
9 ♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
10 ♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
11 ♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
12 ♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
13 ♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
14 ♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
15 ♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
16 ♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
17 ♪ I'll be there for you ♪
18 ♪ Like I've been there before ♪
19 ♪ I'll be there for you ♪
20 ♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
21 [instrumental music]
22 Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.
23 Thank you.
24 Oh, cool. A free sample of coffee.
25 Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?
26 [chuckles]
27 Oh. Right.
28 - Oh, great. - What is it?
29 Country club newsletter.
30 My mother sends me the engagement notices
31 for inspiration.
32 Oh, my God.
33 Oh, my God, it's Barry and Mindy.
34 - Barry, who you almost-- - Barry, who I almost.
35 - And Mindy, your maid of-- - Mindy, my maid of.
36 Let me see that.
37 - Oh! - That's Mindy?
38 Wow. She is pretty.
39 Lucky.
40 To have had a friend like you.
41 Marcel. Bring me the rice. Come on.
42 Bring me the rice. Come on. Good boy. Good boy.
43 Come here, give me the rice. Thank you. Good boy.
44 Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between
45 "Bring me the" and "Pee in the."
46 "Bring me the" and..
47 Rach?
48 - What? - Hi.
49 Oh. I'm sorry.
50 Oh. This is so stupid!
51 I mean, I gave Barry up, right?
52 - Mm. - I should be happy for them.
53 I am. I'm happy for them.
54 - Really? - No.
55 Oh.
56 Oh, I guess it would be different
57 if I were with somebody.
58 Whoa. What, uh..
59 What happened to, uh
60 "Forget relationships! I'm done with men!"
61 The whole, uh, penis embargo?
62 Oh, I don't know.
63 I guess it's-it's not about no guys.
64 It's-it's about the right guy, you know?
65 I mean, with Barry, it was-it was safe
66 and it was easy, but there was no heat.
67 You know, with Paolo, that's all there was, was heat.
68 And I-I mean, it was just this raw, animal, sexual--
69 Wait-wait, I, I got it. I was there.
70 Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both?
71 You know, someone who's like your
72 who's like your best friend
73 but then also can make your toes curl?
74 Yes, yes.
75 Yes. Yes, I do. I really do.
76 Uh, in fact, it's funny.
77 Very often someone who you wouldn't think
78 could, could...curl your toes
79 might just be the one who, uh, who..
80 Hi.
81 ...gets interrupted. Hi.
82 Hey, guys, how was the movie?
83 - Oh, so good. - Wonderful.
84 - Suck-fest. - Total chick-flick.
85 I'm-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies
86 with, like, you know, like, guns and bombs
87 and like, buses going really fast.
88 Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie
89 just so long as there's a little nudity.
90 - There was nudity. - I meant female nudity.
91 Alright, I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.
92 - Hugh! Hugh Grant! - Hugh! Hugh Grant!
93 Alright, I've gotta go.
94 Ahem. Come on, Marcel. Come on.
95 Yeah, we're gonna go take a bath.
96 Yes, we are, aren't we? Yes, we are.
97 They're still just friends, right?
98 - And I will see you tomorrow. - That's right.
99 You're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you?
100 Hang on. Hang on.
101 Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?
102 Pwease, Aunt Monica? Pwease?
103 Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be here.
104 [instrumental music]
105 (Chandler) You know, I cannot believe we're
106 even having this discussion.
107 I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
108 I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen
109 with Rachel, they would have happened already?
110 I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship
111 with someone exactly like me.
112 She really said that?
113 Well, I added the "Exactly like me" part..
114 But she said she's looking for someone
115 and someone is gonna be there tonight.
116 - Tonight, tonight? - Well, I think it's perfect.
117 You know, it's just gonna be the two of us.
118 She spent all day taking care of my monkey.
119 [sighs] I can't remember the last time I got a girl
120 to take care of my monkey.
121 [laughing]
122 Anyway, you know, I figured after work
123 I'd go pick up a bottle of wine
124 go over there and, uh, try to woo her.
125 Hey, you know what you should do?
126 You should take her back to the 1890's
127 when that phrase was last used.
128 You keep this up, honey, and I swear
129 you'll be finished with this sucker by the end of the week.
130 Now, now the one in the feather boa
131 that's Dr. Francis.
132 Now, she used to be a man.
133 Okay, oh, look, see, now there's Raven, and we hate her.
134 We're glad she's dying. And that..
135 Wha.. Wha.. Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes?
136 You know you're not supposed to play..
137 Whoa! Whoa!
138 Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?
139 Oh, Marcel, bad monkey.
140 Oh, God.
141 Oh. Oh.
142 Sorry, Barry.
143 Little engagement gift.
144 I'm sure you didn't register for that.
145 [gunshot on TV]
146 Who died? Who died?
147 Roll him over! Oh, come on, roll him over! Oh!
148 Well, we know it wasn't Dexter. Right, Marcel?
149 Because..
150 Marcel?
151 Marcel? Marce..
152 - How could you lose him? - I don't know, I don't know.
153 We were watching TV and then he pooped in Monica's shoe..
154 Wait. He pooped in my shoe?
155 - Which one? - I don't know.
156 - The left one. - Which ones?
157 Oh, oh, those little clunky Amish things
158 you think go with everything.
159 - Hey. - Hi.
160 Whoa. Oh. Why is the air in here so negative?
161 - Rachel lost Marcel. - Oh, no! How?
162 - He, he pooped in my shoe. - Which one?
163 Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.
164 No. Which one?
165 The right or left?
166 'Cause the left one is lucky.
167 Come on, you guys, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
168 Alright, alright, alright. You're a monkey.
169 You're loose in the city.
170 Where do you go?
171 Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do
172 some of the touristy things.
173 I'll go to Cats. You go to the Russian Tea Room.
174 Oh, my God! Come on, you guys.
175 He's gonna be home any minute. He's gonna kill me.
176 Okay, we'll start with the building.
177 You guys take the first and second floor.
178 Phoebe and I will take third and fourth.
179 Whoa-whoa-whoa! What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
180 Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone.
181 Spray Lysol in my shoe and wait for Ross to kill you.
182 Does anybody wanna trade? Oh..
183 [instrumental music]
184 Come on.
185 [knock at door]
186 What do you want?
187 Mr. Heckles, our-our-our friend lost a monkey.
188 Have you seen it?
189 I left a Belgian waffle out here.
190 - Did you take it? - No!
191 Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?
192 - I wasn't ready for it. - The monkey.
193 Have you seen a monkey?
194 Saw a Regis Philbin once.
195 Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles.
196 You owe me a waffle.
197 Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchin monkey
198 with a white face..
199 ...with-with Russian dressing and pickles on the side.
200 Okay. Thanks. Hi.
201 Hey. How did, uh, how did it go today?
202 - Oh, great! - Yeah?
203 It went great. Really great.
204 - Hey, is that wine? - Yeah, yeah.
205 - Oh. - You, uh, you want some?
206 Oh, I would love some.
207 But you know what? You know what?
208 Let's not drink it here.
209 I'm feeling kind of crazy.
210 You wanna go to Newark?
211 Uh, okay. Yeah, uh, we could do that.
212 But before we head off to the murder capital
213 of the North-East..
214 ...I was, uh, kind of wanting to run something by you.
215 You know how we were, uh, you know, talking before
216 about, uh, relationships and stuff. Well..
217 Oh, God, Ross, I cannot do this.
218 Okay, quick and painful.
219 Oh, God. Okay, alright.
220 Alright, okay.
221 Ross, please don't hate me.
222 Oh, why? What? What?
223 [chuckles]
224 Uh!
225 You know Marcel?
226 Yeah?
227 Well, ahem, I, I kind of..
228 I kind of lost him.
229 [inaudible]
230 [traffic ambience]
231 I-I-I can't, I can't believe this.
232 I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment.
233 - I know. I know. I'm sorry. - No, no. You know what?
234 I guess it's partially my fault.
235 You know, I mean, I shouldn't have asked you
236 to, uh, start off with a monkey.
237 I should have started you off with like a pen or a pencil.
238 Ross, I'm doing everything that I can.
239 I've got everybody looking for him and I..
240 [door buzzer buzzing]
241 - Who is it? - 'Animal Control.'
242 Uh, see, I've even got Animal Control.
243 You called Animal Control?
244 Uh-huh.
245 W-why? Do you not like them?
246 [scoffs]
247 Marcel is an illegal
248 exotic animal.
249 I'm not allowed to have him in the city.
250 If they find him, they'll take him away from me.
251 Oh, okay, well, now, see
252 you never ever ever told us that.
253 That's right I, 'cause I didn't expect
254 you were gonna invite them to the apartment!
255 [knock at door]
256 Hi! Thanks for coming.
257 Somebody called about a monkey?
258 Oh, oh, yeah, you know what?
259 That was a complete misunderstanding.
260 Yeah, we-we thought we had a monkey, but we didn't.
261 It turned, turned out it was a hat.
262 - Cat! - Cat! What did I say? Cat.
263 Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor.
264 No one's seen Marcel.
265 - Marcel? - My Uncle Marcel.
266 Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?
267 Okay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic
268 is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison
269 and confiscation of the animal?
270 Oh, my God. You'd put that poor, little creature in jail?
271 Pheebs, remember how we talked about
272 saying things quietly to yourself first?
273 Yes, but there isn't always time.
274 Look, I'm sure there is some friendly way
275 to reconcile this. Um, have a seat.
276 First of all, we haven't been introduced.
277 Uh, I'm Monica Geller.
278 Oh, my God! You are! And you're Rachel Green!
279 - Yeah. - Luisa Gianetti.
280 Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in, in home room.
281 Oh! Luisa! Oh, my God!
282 Monica, it's Luisa!
283 - The Luisa from home room! - Yes.
284 You have no idea who I am, do you?
285 - No, none at all. - None.
286 Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me.
287 I mean, would it have been so hard to say
288 "Morning, Luisa"? Or "Nice overalls"?
289 Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.
290 Nah, it's not so much you. You were fat.
291 You had your own problems.
292 But you! What a bitch!
293 - What? - Alright. You know what?
294 Be that as it may, do you think you could just help us out here
295 on that monkey thing, you know just...for old times' sake?
296 Go Bobcats?
297 I could...but I won't.
298 If I find that monkey, he's mine.
299 ♪ Dun-dun-duuuur! ♪♪
300 Sorry.
301 [instrumental music]
302 (Chandler) Marcel?
303 - Marcel? - Marcel?
304 Marcel?
305 [sighs]
306 [knock at door]
307 Hi, can I help you?
308 Uh, we're kind of having an emergency.
309 And we, ahem, we were looking for something.
310 - A monkey. - Yes, have you seen any?
311 No. No, I haven't seen a monkey.
312 Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
313 Sure, sure.
314 Did you, uh, did you try turning
315 the knob back the other way?
316 - Of course. - Oh, then, no.
317 Taste this daiquiri. Is there too much rum in here?
318 Just a sec. Hope you find your monkey.
319 Oh, no, wait, wait, no-no-no, wait, wait.
320 Um...we may not know anything about radiators
321 per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise
322 in the heating and cooling...milieu.
323 Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of somethin' here?
324 Yes, but these women are very hot and they need our help.
325 And they're very hot.
326 We can't, alright? Uh, we're sorry.
327 You...have no idea how sorry, but..
328 ...we promised we'd find this monkey.
329 If you see him, he's about yea high
330 and answers to the name Marcel.
331 So, if we could get some pictures of you
332 you'd really be helpin' us out.
333 Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people.
334 - Marcel? - Marcel!
335 - 'Marcel?' - 'Marcel?'
336 Marcel?
337 (both) Marcel?
338 - Oh, my God! - What?
339 Something just brushed up against my right leg.
340 - What is it? - Oh.
341 Oh, it's okay. It was just my left leg.
342 [screeching]
343 - Look, Phoebe! - Oh, yeah. Oh, Marcel.
344 Come here. Oh, come here, Marcel.
345 Step aside, ladies.
346 Oh, what are you gonna do?
347 Just a small tranquilizer.
348 [dramatic music]
349 (Monica) 'Run, Marcel, run!'
350 - Run, Marcel! - Damn!
351 - Are you okay? - Uh, yeah, I think so.
352 I just..
353 Oh.
354 Huh..
355 - Whoa. - Oh-h-h.
356 Oh, gosh.
357 [screeching]
358 - 'Marcel?' - 'Marcel?'
359 Marcel? This is ridiculous.
360 We've been all over the neighborhood.
361 He's gone. He's-he's just gone.
362 - Ross, you don't know that. - Oh, come on.
363 It's cold. It's dark. He doesn't know the village.
364 Oh..
365 And now I have a broken foot. Oh, my..
366 I have no monkey and a broken foot.
367 - Thank you very much. - Ross, you know?
368 I said I'm sorry like a million times.
369 What do you want me to do? Huh? What do you wanna..
370 You want to break my foot too? Is that it? Okay, here.
371 I'm gonna break my foot. Right now, there.
372 Ow! Oh! Oh, God!
373 Oh, my God. There, are you happy now?
374 Yeah, yeah, you know, now that you kicked the sign, hey!
375 What? I don't miss Marcel anymore.
376 You know, it is not like I did this on purpose.
377 No, no, no. No, no, this is just vintage Rachel.
378 I mean, things just sort of happen around you.
379 I mean, you're off in Rachel Land
380 doin' your Rachel thing
381 totally oblivious to people's monkeys
382 or to people's feelings and..
383 - Ross? - I don't even wanna hear it.
384 - No, you're always-- - Ross..
385 - Oh, forget it, okay? - Ross!
386 What? What? What?
387 - Hey! - Hey! Banana man! Wait..
388 [instrumental music]
389 [knock at door]
390 Oh, this is so intense.
391 One side of my butt is totally asleep
392 and the other side has no idea.
393 Hi. Did you order some bananas?
394 - What about it? - Give me my monkey back!
395 I don't have a monkey.
396 Then what's with all the bananas?
397 Potassium.
398 [Marcel chattering]
399 Marcel? Marcel?
400 Okay, where is he? Where is he?
401 Marcel? Marcel?
402 [all gasp]
403 Marcel!
404 - What have you done to him? - That's my monkey.
405 That's Patti. Patti the monkey.
406 Are you insane?
407 Come here, Marcel, come on.
408 Come here, Patti.
409 Come here, Marcel.
410 Come here, Patti.
411 (Luisa) Here, monkey! Here, monkey!
412 Here, monkey!
413 Gotcha!
414 - Okay, give me my monkey back. - That's my monkey.
415 You're both gonna have to take this up with the judge.
416 That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine.
417 You can send it back whenever.
418 - Alright, I want my monkey. - No!
419 - Oh, come on, Luisa. - Sorry, prom queen.
420 You had to be a bitch in high school.
421 You couldn't have been fat.
422 Alright, look, okay, in high school I was the prom queen
423 and I was the homecoming queen and the class president
424 and you...were also there.
425 Look, if you take this monkey
426 I will lose one of the most
427 important people in my life.
428 You can hate me if you want
429 but please do not punish him.
430 Come on, Luisa, you have a chance
431 to be the bigger person here.
432 Take it!
433 [inhales deeply]
434 [exhales heavily]
435 No.
436 Alright.
437 Well, then how about I call your supervisor
438 and I tell her that you shot my friend
439 in the ass with a dart?
440 [instrumental music]
441 Hey, it'll be nice to get this
442 off finally, won't it? Yes, it wi..
443 Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine.
444 You know, with the right pair of pumps
445 that would be a great little outfit.
446 Listen, I'm.. I'm sorry I was so hard on you before.
447 - You know, I just-- - Oh, Ross, come on.
448 No, no, it was my fault. I almost lost your..
449 No, no, yeah, but you were the one who got him back.
450 You know? You, you, you were great.
451 Hey, we, uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine.
452 Are you in the mood for, uh..
453 ...something grape?
454 - Sure, that would be good. - Alright. Uh..
455 Oh.
456 The, uh, the neighbors must be vacuuming.
457 [clears throat]
458 Well, uh, as long as we're, uh...here
459 and, uh...not on the subject
460 um, ahem...I was thinking about, uh..
461 [chuckles]
462 ...how mad we got at each other before.
463 Oh.
464 And, um...I was thinking maybe
465 it was partially because of how we, uh..
466 - Rachel. - Barry!
467 I can't. I can't do it.
468 I can't marry Mindy.
469 I think I'm still in love with you.
470 - Oh! - Oh!
471 We have got to start locking that door.
472 [instrumental music]
473 This is me in "The Sound Of Music."
474 - You see the von Trapp kids? - No.
475 That's because I'm in front of them.
476 Yeah, I thought that was an alp.
477 Well, high school was not my favorite time.
478 I don't know. I-I loved high school.
479 You know, it was just, like, four years of parties
480 and dating and sex and..
481 Yeah, well, I went to
482 boarding school with 400 boys.
483 Any sex I had would have involved
484 a major lifestyle choice.
485 Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago?
486 [chuckles]
487 Oh, oh, oh!
488 Ooh! Ooh!
489 Ooh, ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oh!
490 [theme music]
491

S01E20

1 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD ACTUALLY SAY THAT.
2 I WOULD MUCH RATHER BE MR. PEANUT THAN MR. SALTY.
3 NO WAY. MR. SALTY IS A SAILOR, ALL RIGHT?
4 HE'S GOT TO BE THE TOUGHEST SNACK THERE IS.
5 I DON'T KNOW.
6 YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH CORNNUTS.
7 THEY'RE CRAZY!
8 OH, MY GOD.
9 GUYS, YOU GOT TO COME SEE THIS.
10 THERE'S SOME CREEP OUT THERE
11 WITH A TELESCOPE.
12 ( gasps )
13 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
14 HE'S LOOKING RIGHT AT US.
15 OH, THAT IS SO SICK.
16 I FEEL VIOLATED...
17 AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
18 WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT?
19 ( all groaning )
20 OH, LOOK! UGLY NAKED GUY GOT GRAVITY BOOTS!
21 ( all clamoring )
22 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
23 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
24 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
25 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
26 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
27 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
28 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
29 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
30 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
31 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
32 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
33 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
34 I AM TELLING YOU
35 YEARS FROM NOW SCHOOL CHILDREN WILL STUDY IT
36 AS ONE OF THE GREATEST FIRST DATES OF ALL TIME.
37 IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
38 WE COULD TOTALLY BE OURSELVES.
39 WE DIDN'T PLAY ANY GAMES.
40 HAVE YOU CALLED HER?
41 AND LET HER KNOW I LIKE HER?
42 WHAT ARE YOU-- INSANE?
43 OH, GUYS...
44 IT'S THE NEXT DAY.
45 HOW NEEDY DO I WANT TO SEEM?
46 OH, YEAH, LET HER DANGLE.
47 OH. I CAN'T BELIEVE MY PARENTS
48 ARE ACTUALLY PRESSURING ME TO FIND ONE OF YOU PEOPLE.
49 GOD, COME ON, JUST DO IT.
50 CALL HER.
51 STOP BEING SO TESTOSTERONEY.
52 WHICH, BY THE WAY IS THE REAL SAN FRANCISCO TREAT.
53 I GOT HER MACHINE.
54 HER ANSWERING MACHINE?
55 NO, HER LEAF BLOWER PICKED UP.
56 SO WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?
57 OH, NO, NO, NO, LAST TIME I LEFT A SPONTANEOUS MESSAGE
58 I ENDED UP USING THE PHRASE "YES INDEEDY-O."
59 LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, IT'S RACHEL AND BARRY.
60 NO, NO, NO, DON'T EVERYBODY LOOK AT ONCE.
61 OKAY, OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
62 OKAY, THEY'RE JUST TALKING.
63 DOES HE LOOK LIKE HE WAS JUST TOLD TO SHOVE ANYTHING?
64 NO.
65 NO, ACTUALLY, HE'S SMILING, AND... OH, MY GOD!
66 DON'T DO THAT!
67 WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?!
68 THAT MAN ACROSS THE STREET KICKED THAT PIGEON.
69 OH.
70 AND BASICALLY THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW.
71 HEY, RACH.
72 HI, RACH.
73 HOW'D IT GO?
74 IT WAS ACTUALLY REALLY GREAT.
75 TOOK ME TO LUNCH AT THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM.
76 I HAD THAT CHICKEN WHERE YOU POKE IT
77 AND ALL THE BUTTER SQUIRTS OUT.
78 NOT A GOOD DAY FOR BIRDS.
79 WE TOOK A WALK DOWN TO BENDEL'S.
80 I TOLD HIM NOT TO
81 BUT HE GOT ME A LITTLE BOTTLE OF CHANEL.
82 THAT'S NICE.
83 WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER
84 YOU TOLD HIM TO STOP CALLING
85 STOP SENDING YOU FLOWERS
86 AND TO GENERALLY LEAVE YOU ALONE?
87 RIGHT.
88 WELL, WE NEVER ACTUALLY GOT TO THAT.
89 OH, IT WAS JUST SO NICE TO SEE HIM AGAIN, YOU KNOW?
90 IT WAS COMFORTABLE, AND IT WAS FAMILIAR.
91 IT WAS JUST NICE.
92 THAT'S... THAT'S NICE TWICE.
93 RACHEL, WHAT'S GOING ON?
94 ISN'T THIS THE SAME BARRY WHO YOU LEFT AT THE ALTAR?
95 DUH. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
96 YEAH, BUT IT WAS DIFFERENT WITH HIM TODAY
97 AND HE WASN'T LIKE...
98 "ORTHODONTIST GUY," YOU KNOW?
99 I MEAN, WE HAD FUN.
100 IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?
101 YES!
102 WHY?
103 I HAVE MY REASONS.
104 OKAY, HOW ABOUT THE FACT
105 THAT HE'S ENGAGED TO ANOTHER WOMAN
106 WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE YOUR EX-BEST FRIEND?
107 ALL RIGHT, I KNOW IT'S STUPID.
108 I'LL GO SEE HIM THIS AFTERNOON AND PUT AN END TO IT.
109 WOW!
110 WOW.
111 YEAH.
112 I'M NOT CRAZY, RIGHT?
113 I MEAN, IT WAS NEVER LIKE THAT.
114 NO, IT WASN'T.
115 IT WAS SO NICE HAVING THIS LITTLE SINK HERE.
116 OH, DANIELLE, I WASN'T EXPECTING THE MACHINE.
117 GIVE ME A CALL WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE.
118 ( clinking )
119 BYE-BYE.
120 OH, GOD.
121 THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS?
122 I'VE BEEN HONING IT.
123 WHAT'S WITH THE DISHES?
124 I WANT HER TO THINK I MIGHT BE IN A RESTAURANT
125 I MIGHT HAVE SOME KIND OF LIFE, LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN SITTING
126 AROUND HERE HONING FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS.
127 HE'S DOING IT AGAIN-- THE GUY WITH THE TELESCOPE.
128 OH, MY GOD!
129 OH. GO AWAY!
130 STOP LOOKING IN HERE!
131 GREAT. NOW HE'S WAVING BACK.
132 WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
133 THIS MORNING HE LOOKED INTO OUR APARTMENT.
134 IT CREEPS ME OUT.
135 I CAN'T DO STUFF.
136 WHAT KIND OF STUFF?
137 WILL YOU GROW UP?
138 I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SEXY STUFF
139 BUT LIKE WHEN I'M COOKING NAKED.
140 YOU COOK NAKED?
141 YEAH, TOAST, OATMEAL, NOTHING THAT SPATTERS.
142 WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR?
143 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
144 WHAT'S THE MATTER?
145 OH, I JUST...
146 BARRY, THIS WAS NOT GOOD.
147 NO, IT WAS.
148 IT WAS VERY, VERY GOOD.
149 WELL, WHAT ABOUT MINDY?
150 OH, WAY BETTER THAN MINDY.
151 NO, NOT THAT.
152 I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT YOU AND MINDY?
153 LOOK, IF YOU WANT, I'LL JUST BREAK IT OFF WITH HER.
154 NO, NO. I MEAN DON'T DO THAT.
155 I MEAN, NOT FOR ME.
156 Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here for his adjustment.
157 UH, THANKS, BERNICE.
158 LET'S GO AWAY THIS WEEKEND.
159 OH, BARRY, COME ON, THIS IS ALL WAY TOO...
160 WE CAN GO TO ARUBA.
161 WHEN I WENT THERE
162 ON WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN OUR HONEYMOON, IT WAS REALLY NICE.
163 YOU WOULD HAVE LIKED IT.
164 I HAD A BRA.
165 HEY, DR. FARBER.
166 ALL RIGHT, MISS GREEN, EVERYTHING LOOKS FINE.
167 I THINK WE'RE STARTING TO SEE SOME REAL PROGRESS.
168 WHAT?
169 I'M 12.
170 I'M NOT STUPID.
171 CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?
172 YEAH. BUT FOR FUTURE REFERENCE
173 THAT THING IN YOUR HAND CAN ALSO BE USED AS A PHONE.
174 ALL RIGHT.
175 ( ringing )
176 YES, IT'S WORKING.
177 WHY ISN'T SHE CALLING ME?
178 MAYBE SHE NEVER GOT YOUR MESSAGE.
179 CALL HER MACHINE, AND IF SHE HAS A LOT OF BEEPS
180 THAT MEANS SHE DIDN'T GET HER MESSAGES YET.
181 YOU DON'T THINK THAT MAKES ME SEEM...
182 DESPERATE, NEEDY, PATHETIC?
183 AH, YOU OBVIOUSLY SAW MY PERSONAL AD.
184 HOW MANY?
185 SHE ANSWERED.
186 THIS IS WHERE YOU'D USE THAT "HELLO" WORD WE TALKED ABOUT.
187 I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO HER.
188 SHE OBVIOUSLY GOT MY MESSAGE
189 AND IS CHOOSING NOT TO CALL ME.
190 NOW I'M NEEDY AND SNUBBED.
191 GOD, I MISS JUST BEING NEEDY.
192 All: HEY.
193 HOW'D HE TAKE IT?
194 PRETTY WELL, ACTUALLY.
195 UH, RACH?
196 HOW COME YOU HAVE DENTAL FLOSS IN YOUR HAIR?
197 OH, DO I?
198 UH-HUH.
199 WE ENDED UP HAVING SEX IN HIS CHAIR.
200 YOU HAD SEX IN HIS CHAIR?!
201 OH, I SAID THAT A LITTLE TOO LOUDLY, DIDN'T I?
202 YOU... YOU HAD WHAT?
203 SEX IN HIS CHAIR.
204 WHAT, UH, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
205 I DON'T KNOW.
206 WE STILL CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER.
207 THERE'S A HISTORY THERE.
208 IT'S LIKE YOU AND CAROL.
209 NO. NO, NO.
210 IT'S NOTHING LIKE ME AND CAROL.
211 IF SHE SAID TO YOU, "ROSS, I WANT YOU
212 ON THIS COUCH, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW," WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
213 IF IT HELPS, I COULD SLIDE OVER.
214 IT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION.
215 IT'S APPLES AND ORANGES.
216 IT'S ORTHODONTISTS AND LESB...
217 I GOT TO GO.
218 WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
219 I JUST HAVE TO GO!
220 DO I NEED A REASON, HUH?
221 I HAVE THINGS TO DO WITH MY LIFE.
222 I HAVE A JAM-PACKED SCHEDULE
223 AND I AM LATE FOR KEEPING UP WITH IT, OKAY?
224 ( phone ringing )
225 HELLO? HELLO?
226 ( ringing )
227 HELLO?
228 HI...
229 MINDY.
230 HI. HI. HOW ARE YOU?
231 YES, YES, I HEARD.
232 CONGRATULATIONS.
233 THAT IS SO GREAT.
234 REALLY? OH, GOD...
235 OKAY.
236 OKAY, WELL, I'M WORKING TOMORROW.
237 IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN COME BY
238 IF YOU'D LIKE.
239 OKAY.
240 GREAT.
241 GREAT.
242 ALL RIGHT.
243 SO, I'LL, UH...
244 I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
245 OKAY. BYE.
246 OH, GOD. OH, GOD. OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
247 OH...
248 SO HOW'S MINDY?
249 OH, SHE WANTS TO SEE ME TOMORROW.
250 SHE SOUNDED REALLY WEIRD.
251 I GOT TO CALL BARRY.
252 HI. IT'S ME.
253 MINDY!
254 MINDY, HI! NO, I FIGURED THAT'S WHERE YOU'D BE.
255 ( imitating phone ringing )
256 HELL IS FILLED WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
257 HE'S BACK. THE PEEPER'S BACK.
258 GET DOWN!
259 GET DOWN?
260 AND BOOGIE.
261 THANKS, BUT I GOT TO GO GET MY EYES SCRATCHED OUT BY MINDY.
262 SHE MAY NOT EVEN KNOW.
263 I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER IN SEVEN MONTHS, AND NOW SHE CALLS.
264 WHAT ELSE IS IT ABOUT?
265 SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND, YOU GUYS.
266 WE WENT TO CAMP TOGETHER.
267 SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO KISS.
268 YEAH?
269 NOW, I'M LIKE THE OTHER WOMAN.
270 I FEEL SO...
271 NAUGHTY.
272 I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
273 WHEN SHE TAUGHT YOU TO KISS AT CAMP
274 WERE YOU WEARING ANY KIND OF LITTLE UNIFORM..?
275 THAT'S FINE, YEAH.
276 I'M GOING TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
277 WILL YOU WATCH MY PHONE?
278 TAKE IT WITH YOU,
279 HEY, WE HAVEN'T BEEN ON A SECOND DATE.
280 SHE NEEDS TO HEAR ME PEE?
281 WHY DON'T YOU CALL HER?
282 I CAN'T CALL HER.
283 I LEFT A MESSAGE.
284 I HAVE SOME PRIDE.
285 DO YOU?
286 NO.
287 DANIELLE? HI.
288 HI, IT'S UH... IT'S CHANDLER.
289 I'M FINE.
290 ( clears throat )
291 UH, LISTEN.
292 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU TRIED TO CALL ME
293 BECAUSE, IDIOT THAT I AM
294 I ACCIDENTALLY SHUT OFF MY PHONE.
295 OH, OKAY. THAT'S FINE.
296 THAT'S GREAT.
297 OKAY.
298 SHE'S ON THE OTHER LINE.
299 SHE'S GOING TO CALL ME BACK.
300 ♪ SHE'S ON THE OTHER LINE, SHE'S GONNA CALL ME BACK ♪
301 ♪ SHE'S ON THE OTHER LINE, GONNA CALL ME BACK ♪
302 DON'T YOU HAVE TO PEE?
303 WHY I'M DANCING.
304 MINDY.
305 HEY, YOU.
306 HEY, YOU.
307 SO WHAT'S UP?
308 UM, WE SHOULD REALLY BE SITTING FOR THIS.
309 HMM.
310 SURE WE SHOULD.
311 SO...
312 I KNOW THINGS HAVE BEEN WEIRD
313 BUT YOU'RE, LIKE, MY OLDEST FRIEND
314 EXCEPT FOR MAYBE LORI SCHAEFFER, WHO I DON'T TALK TO ANYMORE
315 'CAUSE SHE'S ALL BITTER NOW SHE LOST THE WEIGHT
316 AND IT TURNS OUT
317 SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PRETTY FACE.
318 I'M GOING TO ASK YOU THIS ONCE, AND I WANT A STRAIGHT ANSWER.
319 OKAY.
320 ( sighs )
321 WILL YOU BE MY MAID OF HONOR?
322 OF COURSE!
323 THAT'S SO GREAT!
324 ( both squealing )
325 IS THAT ALL YOU WANTED?
326 THAT'S ALL!
327 ( both squealing )
328 WHAT?
329 THAT'S NOT ALL.
330 OH, SURE IT IS!
331 OH, NO, IT ISN'T!
332 I THINK BARRY IS SEEING SOMEONE IN THE CITY.
333 OH, WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THAT?
334 EVER SINCE WE ANNOUNCED THE ENGAGEMENT
335 HE'S BEEN ACTING REALLY WEIRD
336 AND THEN LAST NIGHT HE CAME HOME
337 SMELLING LIKE CHANEL.
338 REALLY!
339 MINDY, IF IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER
340 WHEN BARRY AND I FIRST GOT ENGAGED
341 HE WENT THROUGH A WEIRD THING TOO.
342 OH, THAT'S WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF.
343 WHAT'S WHAT YOU'RE AFRAID OF?
344 OKAY, OKAY.
345 WHEN BARRY WAS ENGAGED TO YOU, HE AND I
346 KIND OF... HAD A LITTLE THING ON THE SIDE.
347 WHAT?
348 I KNOW, I KNOW.
349 WHEN HE PROPOSED, EVERYONE SAID
350 "HE'LL ONLY DO TO YOU WHAT HE DID TO RACHEL"
351 AND NOW I FEEL SO STUPID.
352 ( chuckles )
353 HMM.
354 OH, MINDY. OH, YOU ARE SO STUPID.
355 OH, WE ARE BOTH SO STUPID.
356 WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
357 SMELL FAMILIAR?
358 OH, I'M SO SORRY.
359 OH, NO, ME.
360 I AM SO SORRY.
361 NO, I AM SORRY.
362 ( crying )
363 OH, MY.
364 FOUR LETTERS, "CIRCLE OR HOOP."
365 RING, DAMN IT. RING!
366 THANKS.
367 HEY, YOU KNOW OUR PHONE'S NOT WORKING?
368 WHAT?
369 I TRIED CALLING YOU FROM THE COFFEE SHOP.
370 THERE WAS NO ANSWER.
371 I TURNED IT OFF.
372 MOTHER OF GOD, I TURNED IT OFF!
373 JUST LIKE YOU TOLD HER.
374 JUST POINTING OUT THE IRONY.
375 I WENT ACROSS THE STREET AND TALKED TO THE DOORMAN.
376 I GOT THE PEEPER'S NAME.
377 CAN I USE THE PHONE?
378 ( growling )
379 CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?
380 YEAH, THE NUMBER FOR A SYDNEY MARKS, PLEASE.
381 "HEATING DEVICE."
382 RADIATOR.
383 FIVE LETTERS.
384 RDTOR.
385 YEAH, IS SYDNEY THERE?
386 OH, THIS IS?
387 SYDNEY'S A WOMAN.
388 SO SHE'S A WOMAN? SO WHAT?
389 YEAH, YEAH. SO WHAT?
390 I LIVE ACROSS THE STREET, AND I KNOW
391 ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LITTLE TELESCOPE
392 AND I DON'T APPRECIATE IT, OKAY?
393 YEAH, I CAN SEE YOU RIGHT NOW. HELLO!
394 IF I WANT TO WALK AROUND MY APARTMENT IN MY UNDERWEAR
395 I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL...
396 THANK YOU.
397 THAT'S NOT REALLY THE POINT.
398 THE POINT IS THAT...
399 MOSTLY FREE WEIGHTS, BUT...
400 JOEY!
401 YEAH, MY NEIGHBOR.
402 YEAH, THE BRUNETTE.
403 SHE SAID YOU LOOKED VERY PRETTY IN THE GREEN DRESS
404 THE GREEN DRESS?
405 REALLY?
406 SHE SAID YOU LOOKED LIKE
407 INGRID BERGMAN THAT DAY.
408 NO.
409 HEY.
410 HEY.
411 GOT A SECOND?
412 SURE, SURE.
413 COME ON...
414 IN.
415 HELLO, SWEETHEART.
416 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
417 WE ARE HERE TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.
418 BOTH OF YOU?
419 WE THINK YOU'RE A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING
420 AND BAD THINGS SHOULD HAPPEN TO YOU.
421 I'M SORRY. GOD, I AM SO SORRY.
422 I'M AN IDIOT. I WAS WEAK.
423 I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.
424 WHATEVER I DID I ONLY DID BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
425 WHICH ONE OF US ARE YOU TALKING TO THERE, BAR?
426 MINDY.
427 MINDY, OF COURSE, MINDY.
428 IT WAS ALWAYS MINDY.
429 EVEN WHEN WE WERE HAVING SEX IN THAT CHAIR?
430 I SWEAR. WHATEVER I WAS DOING, I WAS ALWAYS THINKING OF YOU.
431 OH, PLEASE. THAT SECOND TIME
432 YOU COULDN'T HAVE PICKED HER OUT OF A LINEUP.
433 YOU DID IT TWICE?
434 THE FIRST TIME DIDN'T REALLY COUNT.
435 IT WAS BARRY.
436 RIGHT.
437 HONEY, BABY, SWEETHEART, LOOK
438 JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE.
439 WE'LL START OVER.
440 WE'LL GO BACK TO ARUBA.
441 WHAT DO YOU SAY?
442 Dr. Farber, we've got an emergency here.
443 Jason Costellana is choking on his retainer.
444 OH, GOD.
445 I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, BERNICE.
446 LOOK, PLEASE... PLEASE DON'T GO ANYWHERE, OKAY?
447 I-I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
448 OKAY.
449 OKAY, AND WE'LL BE HERE, HATING YOU.
450 DID YOU SEE HOW HE WAS SWEATING?
451 LISTEN, HONEY
452 IF I'M HOGGING THE BALL
453 JUST JUMP IN AND TAKE A COUPLE OF PUNCHES
454 BECAUSE THIS FEELS GREAT.
455 YEAH. I'M PRETTY SURE I'M STILL GOING TO MARRY HIM.
456 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
457 MINDY, THE GUY IS THE DEVIL.
458 HE IS SATAN IN A SMOCK.
459 LOOK, I KNOW HE'S NOT PERFECT...
460 MM-HMM.
461 BUT THE TRUTH IS AT THE END OF THE DAY, I...
462 I STILL REALLY WANT TO BE "MRS. DR. BARRY FARBER...
463 D.D.S."
464 DEAR GOD.
465 I HOPE YOU CAN FIND SOME WAY TO BE HAPPY FOR ME
466 AND I HOPE YOU'LL STILL BE MY MAID OF HONOR.
467 AND I HOPE BARRY DOESN'T KILL YOU AND EAT YOU IN ARUBA.
468 YOU OKAY?
469 YEAH.
470 REALLY?
471 YEAH.
472 EVER SINCE I RAN OUT ON BARRY AT THE WEDDING
473 I HAVE WONDERED WHETHER I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE
474 AND NOW I KNOW.
475 OH, I'M SO GLAD.
476 BIG DAY.
477 I'LL GIVE YOU THIS.
478 MR. PEANUT IS A BETTER DRESSER.
479 HE'S GOT THE MONOCLE.
480 HE'S GOT THE TOP HAT.
481 DID YOU KNOW HE'S GAY?
482 I JUST WANT TO CLARIFY THIS.
483 ARE YOU OUTING MR. PEANUT?
484 CHANDLER?
485 DANIELLE, HI.
486 UH, EVERYBODY, THIS IS DANIELLE.
487 DANIELLE, EVERYBODY.
488 All: HI.
489 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
490 I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU
491 BUT I HAD YOUR NUMBER WRONG
492 AND WHEN I FINALLY GOT THE RIGHT ONE
493 THERE WAS NO ANSWER.
494 SO I THOUGHT I'D MAKE SURE YOU WERE OKAY.
495 OH. UH... I-I'M OKAY.
496 MAYBE WE COULD GET TOGETHER LATER?
497 THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
498 I'LL CALL YOU, OR YOU CALL ME.
499 YOU GOT IT.
500 BYE, EVERYBODY.
501 BYE. BYE. BYE.
502 WOO-HOO! THERE YOU GO.
503 SECOND DATE.
504 I DON'T KNOW.
505 YOU DON'T KNOW?
506 SHE SEEMS VERY NICE
507 BUT THAT THING ABOUT HER COMING DOWN HERE
508 TO SEE IF I WAS OKAY?
509 HOW NEEDY IS THAT?
510 [Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]
511

S01E21

1 HOW COULD SOMEONE GET
2 YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER?
3 LOOK HOW MUCH THEY SPENT.
4 THE CREDIT CARD PEOPLE SAID
5 YOU ONLY HAVE TO PAY FOR THE STUFF YOU BOUGHT.
6 STILL... IT'S JUST SUCH RECKLESS SPENDING.
7 I THINK WHEN SOMEBODY STEALS YOUR CREDIT CARD
8 THEY'VE ALREADY THROWN CAUTION TO THE WIND.
9 WOW, WHAT A GEEK.
10 THEY SPENT 69.95 ON A WONDER MOP.
11 THAT'S ME.
12 OH, YUCK.
13 ROSS, HE'S DOING IT AGAIN.
14 MARCEL, STOP HUMPING THE LAMP.
15 STOP HUMPING.
16 NOW, MARCEL, COME BACK... COME HERE, MARCEL.
17 NO, NO. NOT IN MY ROOM.
18 I'LL GET HIM.
19 YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING
20 ABOUT THE HUMPING.
21 WHAT? IT'S JUST A PHASE.
22 WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE SAID ABOUT JOEY.
23 WOULD YOU ALL RELAX?
24 IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
25 Rachel: MARCEL, STOP IT! BAD MONKEY!
26 WHAT?
27 LET'S JUST SAY MY CURIOUS GEORGE DOLL IS
28 NO LONGER CURIOUS.
29 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
30 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
31 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
32 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
33 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY, YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH ♪
34 ♪ OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
35 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
36 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
37 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
38 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
39 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
40 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
41 MONICA, YOU ARE NOT STILL GOING OVER THAT THING?
42 THIS WOMAN'S LIVING MY LIFE.
43 WHAT?
44 SHE'S LIVING MY LIFE
45 AND SHE'S DOING IT BETTER THAN ME.
46 LOOK AT THIS.
47 LOOK. SHE BUYS TICKETS TO PLAYS THAT I WANT TO SEE.
48 SHE BUYS CLOTHES AT STORES
49 THAT I'M INTIMIDATED BY THE SALES PEOPLE.
50 SHE SPENT $300 ON ART SUPPLIES.
51 YOU'RE NOT AN ARTIST.
52 WELL, I MIGHT BE IF I HAD THE SUPPLIES.
53 I MEAN, I COULD DO ALL THIS STUFF
54 ONLY I DON'T.
55 MONICA, COME ON.
56 YOU DO COOL THINGS.
57 OH, REALLY? OKAY.
58 LET'S COMPARE, SHALL WE?
59 OH, IT'S SO LATE FOR "SHALL WE."
60 DO I GO HORSEBACK RIDING IN THE PARK? HMM?
61 DO I TAKE CLASSES AT THE NEW SCHOOL?
62 NO.
63 THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
64 SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING I WANT AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE MY MOTHER.
65 HOW 'BOUT "JOEY PEPPONI"?
66 NO. STILL TOO ETHNIC.
67 MY AGENT THINKS
68 I SHOULD HAVE A NAME THAT'S MORE NEUTRAL.
69 "JOEY.... SWITZERLAND?"
70 PLUS, YOU KNOW, I THINK IT SHOULD BE "JOE."
71 "JOEY" MAKES ME SOUND LIKE I'M...
72 I DON'T KNOW-- THIS BIG.
73 WHICH I'M NOT.
74 JOE, JOE, JOE... STALIN?
75 "STALIN... STALIN."
76 DO I KNOW THAT NAME?
77 THAT SOUND FAMILIAR.
78 WELL, IT DOES NOT RING A BELL WITH ME.
79 JOE STALIN.
80 YOU KNOW THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
81 YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRY "JOSEPH."
82 OH!
83 JOSEPH STALIN.
84 I THINK YOU'D
85 REMEMBER THAT.
86 OH, YES.
87 " BYE BYE BIRDIE, STARRING JOSEPH STALIN."
88 "JOSEPH STALIN IS THE FIDDLER ON THE ROOF."
89 HEY.
90 HEY.
91 HI.
92 HI, UH, YES. THIS IS MONICA GELLER.
93 UM, I BELIEVE I'M TAKING SOME CLASSES WITH YOU
94 AND I WAS WONDERING
95 WHAT THEY WERE.
96 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
97 ALL RIGHT. GREAT.
98 GREAT. THANKS A LOT.
99 I'M GOING TO TAP CLASS.
100 SO YOU CAN DANCE WITH THE WOMAN THAT STOLE YOUR CREDIT CARD.
101 I SHOULD GET TO SEE WHO SHE IS.
102 GO TO THE POST OFFICE.
103 I'M SURE
104 HER PICTURE'S UP.
105 YOU'RE LOSING IT, HERE.
106 THIS IS REALLY BECOMING
107 LIKE, A WEIRD OBSESSION THING.
108 THIS IS MADNESS. IT'S MADNESS, I TELL YOU!
109 FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONICA
110 DON'T DO IT!
111 THANK YOU.
112 WHAT DO YOU THINK?
113 LOTS OF THINGS.
114 WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK SHE IS?
115 MAY I HELP YOU?
116 NO, THANKS. WE'RE JUST HERE TO OBSERVE.
117 YOU DON'T OBSERVE A DANCE CLASS.
118 YOU DANCE A DANCE CLASS.
119 SPARE SHOES ARE OVER THERE.
120 WHAT DOES SHE MEAN?
121 I THINK SHE MEANS YOU DANCE... A DANCE CLASS.
122 COME ON. COME ON.
123 OKAY. YOU SEE ANYBODY YOU THINK COULD BE ME?
124 LAST TIME, THERE WERE SOME EMPTY YOGURT CONTAINERS
125 LYING AROUND AFTER CLASS.
126 LET'S NOT HAVE THAT HAPPEN AGAIN.
127 SHE COULD BE YOU.
128 LET'S GET STARTED.
129 FIVE, SIX...
130 A-FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT--
131 OKAY. I'M NOT GETTING THIS.
132 I'M TOTALLY GETTING IT.
133 DO YOU EVER JUST FEEL LIKE SOMETIMES YOU ARE
134 SO UNBELIEVABLY UNCOORDINATED?
135 WHAT?
136 YOU JUST CLICK WHEN THEY CLICK.
137 ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE.
138 NOW EVERYONE GRAB A PARTNER.
139 OH... UM, ALL RIGHT.
140 AND MY DEAD MOTHER SAID YOU ARE IT.
141 I'M WITH RACHEL.
142 WAIT. IT'S GYM CLASS ALL OVER AGAIN.
143 OH... OH...
144 YOU CAN COME UP TO THE FRONT
145 AND DANCE WITH ME.
146 WHY DON'T I JUST TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES
147 AND HAVE A NIGHTMARE?
148 IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
149 I'M HERE. I'M HERE.
150 I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE.
151 HERE I AM.
152 SO, WHO'S THE NEW TENSE GIRL?
153 SHE'S YOUR PARTNER.
154 HI. I'M MONICA.
155 OH... MONICA.
156 HI. I'M MON... NANA.
157 MONANA?
158 YES.
159 IT'S DUTCH.
160 I SPENT THREE YEARS IN AMSTERDAM.
161 MAG IK DEZE DANS VAN U?
162 UM, PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH.
163 OH.
164 AND WE'RE DANCING.
165 A-FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT--
166 HI.
167 HEY. HEY.
168 WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
169 I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE VET.
170 SHE'S NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU WEAR
171 ONE OF THOSE BIG PLASTIC CONES, IS SHE?
172 SHE SAYS MARCEL'S HUMPING THING'S NOT A PHASE.
173 APPARENTLY, HE'S REACHED SEXUAL MATURITY.
174 HEY, HE BEAT YOU.
175 SHE SAYS AS TIME GOES ON
176 HE'S GOING TO START GETTING AGGRESSIVE AND VIOLENT.
177 SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
178 I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE HIM UP.
179 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, ROSS.
180 THIS SUCKS!
181 YOU JUST GOT HIM.
182 HOW COULD HE BE AN ADULT ALREADY?
183 I KNOW, I KNOW.
184 I MEAN, ONE DAY HE'S THIS LITTLE THING
185 AND THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT
186 HE'S THIS LITTLE THING I CAN'T GET OFF MY LEG.
187 ISN'T THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN KEEP HIM?
188 NO. NO, THE VET SAID THAT UNLESS HE'S IN A PLACE
189 WHERE HE HAS REGULAR ACCESS TO SOME...
190 MONKEY LOVIN'...
191 HE'S JUST GOING TO GET VICIOUS.
192 I'VE... I'VE JUST GOT TO GET HIM INTO A ZOO.
193 HOW DO YOU GET A MONKEY INTO A ZOO?
194 I KNOW
195 THAT ONE.
196 NO, THAT'S "POPES INTO A VOLKSWAGEN."
197 WE'RE APPLYING TO A LOT OF THEM.
198 NATURALLY, OUR FIRST CHOICE
199 WOULD BE ONE OF THE BIGGER STATE ZOOS--
200 YOU KNOW, LIKE SAN DIEGO.
201 OH... RIGHT?
202 BUT THAT MAY BE JUST A PIPE DREAM
203 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HE'S OUT OF STATE.
204 UH, MY VET KNOWS SOMEONE AT MIAMI
205 SO THAT'S A POSSIBILITY.
206 YEAH, BUT THAT'S, LIKE, TWO BLOCKS AWAY FROM THE BEACH.
207 I MEAN, IT'S A TOTAL PARTY ZOO.
208 HEY. WE FOUND HER, WE FOUND THE GIRL.
209 DID YOU CALL THE COPS?
210 NOPE. WE TOOK HER TO LUNCH.
211 AH, YOUR OWN BRAND OF VIGILANTE JUSTICE.
212 ARE YOU INSANE?
213 THIS WOMAN STOLE FROM YOU!
214 SHE... SHE STOLE! SHE'S A STEALER!
215 YOU KNOW WHAT? AFTER YOU'RE WITH THIS WOMAN FOR TEN MINUTES
216 YOU FORGET ALL THAT.
217 I MEAN, SHE'S THIS ASTOUNDING PERSON
218 WITH THIS AMAZING SPIRIT.
219 YEAH, WHICH SHE PROBABLY STOLE FROM SOME CHEERLEADER.
220 "TAKE OFF THEIR HATS."
221 "POPES IN
222 A VOLKSWAGEN."
223 I LOVE THAT JOKE.
224 NO WAY... NO WAY DID YOU DO THIS.
225 MONANA WAS VERY BRAVE.
226 IT WAS SO WILD.
227 WE TOLD THEM WE WERE THE GUNDERSONS IN ROOM 615
228 ONLY TO FIND OUT THE BOSTON CELTICS
229 HAD TAKEN OVER THE ENTIRE SIXTH FLOOR.
230 WHEN THEY CAUGHT ON TO THE FACT
231 THAT WE'RE... SHORT AND HAVE BREASTS...
232 THEY THREW US OUT.
233 I WAS THROWN OUT OF A HOTEL-- ME!
234 GO, MONANA!
235 WELL, YOU LADIES ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES LIVING THE DREAM.
236 I GET TO GO POUR COFFEE FOR PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW.
237 DON'T WAIT UP.
238 OH... TOMORROW, WE'RE AUDITIONING FOR A BROADWAY SHOW.
239 EXCUSE ME?
240 THERE'S AN OPEN CALL FOR CATS.
241 I'M THINKING WE GO DOWN THERE, SING "MEMORIES"
242 AND MAKE COMPLETE FOOLS OF OURSELVES.
243 WHAT DO YOU SAY?
244 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
245 REMEMBER WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH HERE.
246 I'M NOT LIKE YOU.
247 I CAN'T EVEN STAND IN FRONT OF A TAP CLASS.
248 THAT'S JUST PROBABLY 'CAUSE
249 OF YOUR AMISH BACKGROUND.
250 WHAT?
251 YOU'RE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH, RIGHT?
252 RIGHT... TILL I BOUGHT A BLOW DRYER
253 AND THEN I WAS SHUNNED.
254 I USED TO BE JUST LIKE YOU
255 AND THEN ONE DAY I SAW A MOVIE THAT CHANGED MY LIFE.
256 DID YOU EVER SEE DEAD POETS SOCIETY?
257 UH-HUH.
258 I THOUGHT THAT MOVIE WAS SO INCREDIBLY... BORING.
259 I MEAN, THAT THING
260 WHERE THE KID KILLS HIMSELF
261 BECAUSE HE CAN'T BE IN THE PLAY?
262 WHAT WAS THAT?
263 IT'S LIKE, "KID, WAIT A YEAR, LEAVE HOME.
264 DO SOME COMMUNITY THEATER."
265 I WALKED OUT OF THERE AND I THOUGHT
266 "NOW, THAT'S TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE
267 THAT I'M NEVER GETTING BACK."
268 AND THAT THOUGHT SCARED ME MORE THAN ALL THE OTHER CRAP
269 I WAS AFRAID TO DO.
270 WOW. THEN I WOULD DEFINITELY
271 NOT RECOMMEND MRS. DOUBTFIRE.
272 ( sighs )
273 OH, GOD.
274 WE DIDN'T GET INTO SCRANTON.
275 THAT WAS, LIKE, OUR SAFETY ZOO.
276 THEY TAKE, LIKE, DOGS AND COWS.
277 SEE? I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS HARDER ON--
278 ME OR HIM.
279 I'D SAY THAT CHAIR'S TAKING THE BRUNT OF IT.
280 Ross: MARCEL! MARCEL!
281 MARCEL, NO!
282 GOOD BOY.
283 SEE? HOW CAN NOBODY WANT HIM?
284 OH, SOMEBODY WILL.
285 YOU KNOW THERE ALREADY IS A JOSEPH STALIN?
286 YOU'RE KIDDING.
287 APPARENTLY, HE WAS THIS RUSSIAN DICTATOR
288 WHO SLAUGHTERED ALL THESE PEOPLE.
289 YOU'D THINK YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT.
290 YOU'D THINK I WOULD'VE.
291 PHOEBE, WHAT DO YOU THINK
292 A GOOD STAGE NAME FOR ME WOULD BE?
293 FLAME-BOY.
294 WHERE EXACTLY IS YOUR ZOO?
295 WELL, IT'S TECHNICALLY NOT A ZOO, PER SE.
296 IT'S MORE OF AN INTERACTIVE WILDLIFE EXPERIENCE.
297 LET ME ASK YOU
298 SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT-- IS IT "MARCEL"?
299 YES.
300 DOES HE, UH, FIGHT WITH OTHER ANIMALS?
301 NO, NO. HE'S VERY DOCILE.
302 MMM. EVEN IF HE WERE... CORNERED?
303 WELL, I DON'T KNOW. WHY?
304 UM... HOW IS HE AT HANDLING SMALL OBJECTS?
305 HE CAN HOLD A BANANA, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.
306 WHAT ABOUT A HAMMER OR A SMALL BLADE?
307 WHY... WHY... WHY... WHY WOULD HE NEED A BLADE?
308 IF HE'S UP AGAINST A JUNGLE CAT
309 OR AN ANIMAL WITH HORNS
310 YOU GOT TO GIVE THE LITTLE GUY
311 SOMETHING.
312 OTHERWISE, IT'S JUST CRUEL.
313 Both: HE GOT INTO SAN DIEGO.
314 WHAT?
315 WE CAME BACK FROM OUR WALK.
316 THE PHONE WAS RINGING.
317 HE'S IN!
318 AH, DID YOU HEAR THAT, MARCEL?
319 OH! SAN DIEGO! SAN DIEGO!
320 YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE.
321 SAN DIEGO'S ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT IF YOU GIVE HIM TO ME
322 I'LL START HIM OFF AGAINST A BLIND RABBIT AND GIVE HIM
323 20% OF THE GATE.
324 ♪ YO HO! ♪
325 WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
326 MONICA AND I JUST CRASHED AN EMBASSY PARTY.
327 ARE YOU DRUNK?
328 NO!
329 ( whispering ): I'M LYING. I AM SO DRUNK...
330 OH, GOD.
331 GREAT, MONICA. YOU KNOW WHAT?
332 YOU COULD HAVE CALLED.
333 I'VE BEEN WORRIED...
334 MONICA!
335 MONICA?
336 AH...
337 WATER RULES!
338 YES, YES, IT DOES.
339 OKAY, LOOK. THE RESTAURANT CALLED AGAIN TODAY.
340 THEY WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'LL BE SHOWING UP FOR WORK?
341 NOPE. I'M GOING TO THE BIG APPLE CIRCUS TODAY.
342 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
343 YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE YOUR JOB.
344 THIS IS NOT YOU.
345 NO, IT IS ME.
346 I'M NOT JUST THE PERSON WHO NEEDS TO FLUFF THE PILLOWS
347 AND PAY THE BILLS AS SOON AS THEY COME IN.
348 YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M WITH HER, I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
349 I'M...
350 I'M MONANA.
351 ( phone rings )
352 HELLO?
353 YES, SHE IS.
354 HOLD ON A SECOND, PLEASE.
355 "MONANA..." IT'S FOR YOU.
356 THE CREDIT CARD PEOPLE.
357 HELLO.
358 YES?
359 OH, MY GOD.
360 THANKS.
361 WHAT?
362 THEY'VE ARRESTED MONICA.
363 HI.
364 HEY.
365 HOW ARE YOU?
366 NOT TOO BAD.
367 FORTUNATELY, BLUE'S MY COLOR.
368 HOW DID YOU KNOW
369 I WAS HERE?
370 BECAUSE... I'M MONICA GELLER.
371 IT WAS MY CREDIT CARD YOU WERE USING.
372 THAT, I WAS NOT EXPECTING.
373 I WANT YOU TO KNOW IT WASN'T ME
374 WHO TURNED YOU IN.
375 OH... THANKS.
376 NO... THANK YOU.
377 YOU HAVE GIVEN ME SO MUCH.
378 IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
379 I WOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN TO SING "MEMORIES" ON THE STAGE
380 AT THE WINTERGARDEN THEATER.
381 WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU ONLY GOT
382 TO SING "MEMO..."
383 I CAN'T BELIEVE
384 YOU'RE IN HERE.
385 WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT YOU?
386 WHO'S GOING TO CRASH THE EMBASSY PARTIES WITH ME
387 OR TAKE ME TO THE BIG APPLE CIRCUS?
388 MONICA, I STARTED MY DAY
389 BY PEEING IN FRONT OF 25 OTHER WOMEN
390 AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT WHO'S GOING TO TAKE YOU
391 TO THE BIG APPLE CIRCUS?
392 WELL, NOT WORRIED... YOU KNOW, JUST WONDERING.
393 THERE'S NOTHING TO WONDER ABOUT, MONICA.
394 YOU'LL GO BACK TO BEING WHO YOU WERE
395 BECAUSE THAT'S WHO YOU ARE.
396 NOT NECESSARILY.
397 YES, NECESSARILY.
398 I DON'T KNOW... MAYBE IT'S THE AMISH THING.
399 UM... I'M NOT ACTUALLY AMISH.
400 REALLY? THEN WHY ARE YOU LIKE THAT?
401 YOU BY THE DOOR, IN OR OUT?
402 IN.
403 YOU IN THE BACK, YOU'RE GETTING IT WRONG.
404 BUT AT LEAST I'M DOING IT.
405 OKAY, GOOD-BYE, LITTLE MONKEY GUY.
406 I WROTE YOU THIS POEM.
407 OH...
408 BUT DON'T EAT IT TILL YOU GET ON THE PLANE.
409 "THANK YOU, AUNT PHOEBE."
410 OH...
411 OKAY, BYE, CHAMP.
412 NOW, I KNOW THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF BABES IN SAN DIEGO
413 BUT REMEMBER, THERE'S ALSO A LOT TO LEARN.
414 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, ROSS.
415 IT'S A MONKEY.
416 SAY WHAT YOU FEEL, JOEY.
417 MARCEL, I'M HUNGRY.
418 THAT WAS GOOD.
419 MARCEL, THIS IS FOR YOU.
420 IT'S, UH...
421 JUST, YOU KNOW, SOMETHING TO, UH... DO ON THE PLANE.
422 IF YOU GUYS DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT--
423 JUST ME AND HIM.
424 SURE. GO AHEAD.
425 OH! UH...
426 MARCEL, COME HERE, COME HERE.
427 COME HERE.
428 WELL, BUDDY... THIS IS IT.
429 THERE'S JUST A COUPLE OF THINGS I WANTED TO SAY.
430 I'M REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU
431 AND I'M NEVER GOING TO FORGET ABOUT YOU.
432 YOU'VE BEEN MORE THAN JUST A PET TO ME.
433 YOU'VE BEEN... YOU'VE BEEN...
434 MORE LIKE A...
435 MARCEL, WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?
436 WOULD YOU JUST STOP HUMPING ME FOR TWO SECONDS?
437 WOULD YOU..? JUST TAKE HIM AWAY.
438 JUST TAKE HIM.
439 OH, THAT I WERE A GLOVE UPON THAT HAND
440 THAT I MIGHT... TOUCH THY CHEEK.
441 THAT'S FINE. THANK YOU.
442 NEXT.
443 HI. I'LL BE READING
444 FOR THE ROLE OF MERCUTIO.
445 NAME?
446 HOLDEN McGROIN.
447

S01E22

1 TELL HIM!
2 SHUT UP.
3 TELL ME WHAT?
4 YOU WON'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM.
5 COME ON, TELL ME.
6 I COULD USE ANOTHER REASON WHY WOMEN WON'T LOOK AT ME.
7 Rachel: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
8 LAST NIGHT, I HAD A DREAM THAT, UM, YOU AND I WERE, UH...
9 DOING IT ON THIS TABLE.
10 WOW!
11 EXCELLENT DREAM SCORE.
12 WHY, WHY... WHY WOULD YOU DREAM THAT?
13 MORE IMPORTANTLY:
14 WAS I ANY GOOD?
15 WELL, YOU WERE PRETTY DAMN "ANY GOOD."
16 INTERESTING, 'CAUSE IN MY DREAMS
17 I'M SURPRISINGLY INADEQUATE.
18 WELL, LAST NIGHT, YOU SEEMED TO KNOW YOUR WAY
19 AROUND THE TABLE.
20 ( forced chuckle )
21 I LOVE IT WHEN WE SHARE.
22 YOU OKAY THERE?
23 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO HAD SEX IN HER DREAM.
24 WELL, I'M SORRY. IT WAS A ONE-TIME THING.
25 I WAS VERY DRUNK
26 AND IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S SUBCONSCIOUS.
27 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
28 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
29 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
30 ♪ IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
31 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
32 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
33 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
34 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
35 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
36 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
37 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
38 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
39 HELLO, RACHEL.
40 GET OFF.
41 OOH! GIVE ME.
42 CAN YOU SEE ME OPERATING A DRILL PRESS?
43 I DON'T KNOW. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
44 PHEEBS, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO OPERATE A DRILL PRESS?
45 JUST FOR SOME SHORT-TERM WORK.
46 TILL I GET BACK SOME OF MY MASSAGE CLIENTS.
47 PIRATES AGAIN?
48 NO. NOTHING LIKE THAT.
49 I'M JUST... SUCH A DUMMY.
50 I TAUGHT THIS "MASSAGE YOURSELF AT HOME" WORKSHOP.
51 AND THEY ARE.
52 HEY, HEY, CHAN-- SHE COULD WORK FOR YOU.
53 THANKS, JOEY. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
54 I COULD. I COULD DO IT!
55 WHAT IS IT?
56 MY SECRETARY WILL BE OUT FOR A COUPLE WEEKS.
57 SHE'S HAVING ONE OF HER BOOBS REDUCED.
58 IT'S A WHOLE BIG BOOB STORY.
59 I COULD BE A SECRETARY.
60 PHEEBS, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S YOUR KIND OF THING
61 BECAUSE IT INVOLVES A LOT OF BEING NORMAL...
62 FOR A LARGE PORTION OF THE DAY.
63 I COULD DO THAT.
64 WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING WITH?
65 IT'S MY NEW BEEPER.
66 WHY DOES A PALEONTOLOGIST NEED A BEEPER?
67 IS IT FOR DINOSAUR EMERGENCIES?
68 "HELP! COME QUICK! THEY'RE STILL EXTINCT!"
69 NO. IT'S FOR WHEN CAROL GOES INTO LABOR.
70 SHE CAN GET ME WHEREVER I AM.
71 ALL SHE HAS TO DO IS DIAL 55-JIMBO.
72 A COOL PHONE NUMBER AND A POSSIBLE NAME FOR THE KID.
73 SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
74 OFF TO SEE YOUNG ETHAN?
75 THANK YOU.
76 HOW YOUNG IS YOUNG ETHAN? YOUNG?
77 HE'S... OUR AGE.
78 WHEN WE WERE..?
79 OKAY. HE'S A SENIOR IN COLLEGE.
80 COLLEGE? WHOA.
81 AND THIS MAN-CHILD HAS NO PROBLEM
82 WITH HOW OLD YOU ARE?
83 NO. OF COURSE NOT.
84 IT'S NOT EVEN AN ISSUE.
85 'CAUSE I TOLD HIM I WAS 22.
86 WHAT?
87 OH, I CAN'T PASS FOR 22?
88 MAYBE 25, 26.
89 I AM 26.
90 THERE YOU GO.
91 ( phone ringing )
92 ( phone still ringing )
93 CAN YOU HEAR THAT?
94 YEAH.
95 YOU SEE, THAT'LL STOP
96 WHEN YOU PICK UP THE PHONE.
97 OH!
98 OOH! I'M ON.
99 OKAY.
100 ( even voice: ) MR. BING'S OFFICE.
101 NO, I'M SORRY.
102 HE'S IN A MEETING RIGHT NOW.
103 I'M NOT IN A MEETING.
104 WILL HE KNOW WHAT THIS IS IN REFERENCE TO?
105 AND HE HAS YOUR NUMBER?
106 I'LL SEE THAT HE GETS THE MESSAGE.
107 BYE-BYE.
108 WHA...
109 ROSS SAYS HI.
110 AH.
111 THIS IS SO FUN.
112 WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
113 WELL, NOW, I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GET TO WORK.
114 "MOST LIKELY."
115 ( dry chuckling )
116 OKAY. I'M GOING TO BE OUT THERE.
117 OKAY.
118 ALL RIGHT.
119 BYE-BYE.
120 BYE-BYE.
121 ( intercom beeps )
122 YES?
123 Phoebe: What you doin'?
124 OKAY, WINDOWS ARE CLEAN.
125 CANDLES ARE LIT.
126 BELT'S TOO TIGHT.
127 GOT TO CHANGE THE BELT.
128 DID I TURN THE FISH?
129 NOPE. 'CAUSE I MADE LASAGNA.
130 AM I OUT OF CONTROL?
131 JUST A TOUCH.
132 MON, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
133 YOU'VE BEEN DATING THIS GUY
134 SINCE LIKE, WHAT, HIS MIDTERMS.
135 WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN
136 ARE YOU SO...
137 OHHH.
138 WHAT?
139 COULD TONIGHT BE THE NIGHT?
140 I DON'T KNOW.
141 LOOK, HE'S A GREAT GUY.
142 I LOVE BEING WITH HIM
143 BUT, YOU KNOW, THINGS HAPPEN WHEN THEY HAPPEN.
144 YOU DON'T PLAN THESE THINGS.
145 OH. SO DID YOU SHAVE YOUR LEGS?
146 YEAH.
147 UH-HUH.
148 WOULD YOU LET IT GO, ROSS?
149 IT WAS JUST A DREAM.
150 IT DOESN'T MEAN...
151 ( beeping )
152 OOH-HOO!
153 OOH, THIS IS IT!
154 OH, MY GOD! IT'S BABY TIME!
155 RELAX. BE COOL. BE COOL.
156 YEAH, HI. I WAS JUST BEEPED.
157 NO. ANDRE IS NOT HERE.
158 THIRD TIME TODAY.
159 YES, I AM SURE.
160 NO, SIR, I DO NOT PERFORM THOSE KIND OF SERVICES.
161 SERVICES?
162 OOH. SERVICES.
163 YEAH, YOU WANT 55-JUMBO.
164 YEP.
165 THAT'S RIGHT.
166 THAT'S RIGHT. JUMBO WITH A "U," SIR.
167 NO. BELIEVE ME, YOU DON'T WANT ME.
168 JUDGING BY HIS NUMBER, I'D BE A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT.
169 ALL RIGHTY. BYE-BYE.
170 IT'S ALL RIGHT.
171 Joey: HEY, HEY! HOW WAS THE FIRST DAY?
172 OH. EXCELLENT.
173 EVERYONE WAS SO, SO NICE.
174 SEE? IT PAYS TO KNOW THE MAN WHO WEARS MY SHOES.
175 ME. OH.
176 NO, I DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY THAT I KNEW YOU.
177 WHY NOT?
178 WELL, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW...
179 THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.
180 WHAT?
181 I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
182 NUH-UH.
183 WHO DOESN'T LIKE ME?
184 EVERYONE.
185 EXCEPT FOR, UM...
186 NO. EVERYONE.
187 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
188 DON'T FEEL BAD.
189 THEY USED TO LIKE YOU A LOT.
190 BUT THEN YOU GOT PROMOTED, AND NOW
191 YOU'RE LIKE MR. BOSS MAN.
192 YOU KNOW, MR. BING. BOSS MAN BING.
193 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
194 YEAH, YEAH. THEY EVEN DO YOU.
195 THEY DO ME?
196 YOU KNOW, LIKE, UM... OKAY.
197 "COULD THAT REPORT BE ANY LATER?"
198 ( both laughing )
199 I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.
200 YEAH, YOU DO.
201 "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND...
202 OF MUSIC."
203 MY SCONE!
204 Both: MY SCONE!
205 I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.
206 THAT IS SO NOT TRUE.
207 THAT IS SO NOT...
208 THAT IS SO NO...
209 THAT...
210 OH, SHUT UP!
211 YOU DID NOT.
212 YES. UP UNTIL I WAS NINE
213 I THOUGHT GUNPOINT WAS AN ACTUAL PLACE
214 WHERE CRIMES HAPPEN.
215 HOW IS THAT?
216 IT'S ALWAYS ON THE NEWS:
217 "A MAN IS BEING HELD UP AT GUNPOINT."
218 "TOURISTS ARE BEING TERRORIZED AT GUNPOINT."
219 AND I JUST KEPT THINKING
220 "WHY DO PEOPLE CONTINUE TO GO THERE?"
221 OH, AH... I SHOULD GO.
222 OKAY.
223 OKAY.
224 UNLESS...
225 WHAT?
226 UH, UH, UNLESS YOU WANT TO STAY OVER.
227 I MEAN, I'M GOING TO, SO...
228 YEAH. I'D REALLY LIKE THAT.
229 ( both moaning )
230 UH...
231 BEFORE WE GET INTO ANY STAYING-OVER STUFF
232 THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW.
233 OKAY.
234 IS THIS LIKE
235 "I HAVE AN EARLY CLASS TOMORROW,"
236 OR, "I'M SECRETLY MARRIED TO A GOAT"?
237 WELL, IT'S SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN.
238 YOU SEE, IN A STRICTLY TECHNICAL SENSE, OF COURSE
239 I'M NOT, UH...
240 WELL, I MEAN, I HAVEN'T EVER, UM...
241 ETHAN? YEAH?
242 ARE YOU A VIRGIN?
243 WELL... IF THAT'S WHAT YOU KIDS
244 ARE CALLING IT THESE DAYS
245 THEN, YES, I AM.
246 I, UH, I'VE KIND OF BEEN WAITING
247 FOR THE RIGHT PERSON.
248 REALLY? YEAH.
249 YOU DO KNOW
250 I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU, RIGHT?
251 WOW!
252 YOU KEEP SAYING THAT.
253 YOU KNOW, YOU READ ABOUT IT.
254 YOU SEE IT IN THE MOVIES
255 EVEN WHEN YOU PRACTICE IT AT HOME
256 MAN, OH, MAN...
257 IT IS NOTHING LIKE THAT.
258 OH!
259 LISTEN.
260 LISTEN.
261 UM, YOU TOLD ME SOMETHING
262 THAT WAS REALLY DIFFICULT FOR YOU
263 AND I FIGURE IF YOU CAN BE HONEST
264 THEN I CAN TOO.
265 OH, GOD! DON'T SAY I DID IT WRONG.
266 NO, NO, NO.
267 NOTHING WRONG ABOUT THAT.
268 OH.
269 UM, OKAY. HERE GOES.
270 I'M NOT 22.
271 I'M, I'M 25...
272 AND 13 MONTHS.
273 HUH.
274 BUT I FIGURE
275 THAT SHOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
276 WHAT DOES IT MATTER HOW OLD WE ARE?
277 UH, LISTEN, UM...
278 AS LONG AS WE'RE TELLING STUFF, UH...
279 I HAVE ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU.
280 I'M A LITTLE
281 YOUNGER THAN I SAID.
282 YOU'RE NOT A SENIOR?
283 OH, I'M A SENIOR...
284 IN HIGH SCHOOL.
285 O-KAY.
286 WHAT WE DID WAS WRONG.
287 OH, GOD.
288 I JUST HAD SEX
289 WITH SOMEONE WHO WASN'T ALIVE
290 DURING THE BICENTENNIAL.
291 I JUST HAD SEX.
292 ETHAN, FOCUS.
293 HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?
294 YOU NEVER TOLD ME HOW OLD YOU WERE.
295 WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
296 MY LIE DIDN'T MAKE ONE OF US A FELON IN 48 STATES.
297 WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
298 I WASN'T. I WAS TOO BUSY FALLING...
299 DON'T SAY IT.
300 IN LOVE WITH YOU.
301 REALLY?
302 SORRY.
303 WELL, FALL OUT OF IT.
304 YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE.
305 IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.
306 OH, GOD. OH, GOD.
307 I'M LIKE THOSE WOMEN THAT YOU SEE
308 WITH SHINY GUYS NAMED CHAD.
309 I'M JOAN COLLINS.
310 WHO?
311 OKAY, ANDRE SHOULD BE THERE IN ABOUT 45 MINUTES.
312 ALL RIGHTY. BYE-BYE.
313 UH... IT'S JUST EASIER THAT WAY.
314 OH, COME ON.
315 YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THE LAST DREAM.
316 NO! FORGET IT.
317 WHY NOT? WAS I DOING SOMETHING PARTICULARLY...
318 SAUCY?
319 ALL RIGHT, FINE.
320 UM...
321 WELL, YOU WERE NOT THE ONLY ONE THERE.
322 JOEY WAS THERE TOO.
323 ALL RIGHT.
324 WAS THERE, UH..?
325 ( chuckling )
326 ANYBODY... ANYBODY ELSE THERE?
327 NO.
328 YOU SURE?
329 NOBODY HANDING OUT MINTS OR ANYTHING?
330 NO. IT WAS JUST THE THREE OF US.
331 OH.
332 SO, WAS IT LIKE YOU AND CHANDLER
333 AND THEN YOU AND ME
334 OR YOU AND ME AND CHANDLER?
335 ( laughs )
336 YOU KNOW WHAT?
337 WHAT?
338 THERE WERE TIMES...
339 WHEN IT WASN'T EVEN ME.
340 OOH... OOH...
341 ( both laugh knowingly )
342 THAT IS SO SWEET, YOU GUYS.
343 MON...
344 HEY.
345 MON, ETHAN CALLED AGAIN.
346 MON?
347 All: MON!
348 WHAT?
349 ETHAN CALLED AGAIN.
350 OH.
351 YOU'RE NOT SEEING HIM ANYMORE?
352 NO.
353 YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THINGS DON'T WORK OUT.
354 AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT
355 THAT HE NEEDS A NOTE TO GET OUT OF GYM?
356 I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
357 I DID NOT SAY ANYTHING.
358 I SWEAR.
359 HE STOPPED BY.
360 Joey: NEXT TIME YOU TALK TO HIM
361 ASK HIM WHICH ONE THE STRONGEST POWER RANGER IS.
362 OH, YEAH.
363 ( feigns laughter )
364 OH, MY LIFE IS JUST SO AMUSING.
365 CAN WE DROP IT NOW?
366 SURE. SORRY.
367 IT'S MORPHIN TIME!
368 STEGOSAURUS!
369 TYRANNOSAURUS!
370 ( guys grunting )
371 OOH, OH, I GOT TO GO.
372 WHOA. OOH, HEAD RUSH.
373 OH.
374 ONE MORE AND THEN I HAVE TO GO.
375 COOL.
376 WHERE YOU GOING?
377 OH, I GOT A BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH SOME WORK PEOPLE.
378 WORK PEOPLE?
379 NOBODY TOLD ME.
380 NO, I KNOW.
381 THAT'S PART OF THE WHOLE
382 THEM-NOT-LIKING-YOU EXTRAVAGANZA.
383 YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T GET THIS.
384 A MONTH AGO THESE PEOPLE WERE MY FRIENDS.
385 JUST BECAUSE I'M IN CHARGE
386 DOESN'T MEAN I'M A DIFFERENT PERSON.
387 THEN YOU SHOULD COME TONIGHT.
388 LET THEM SEE WHAT A GREAT GUY YOU STILL ARE.
389 YOU THINK SO?
390 I REALLY DO. YEAH.
391 OKAY.
392 OKAY.
393 OH, BUT COULD WE NOT GO TOGETHER?
394 I DON'T WANT TO BE THE GEEK WHO INVITED THE BOSS.
395 Chandler: AND I THINK LAST NIGHT WAS GREAT
396 YOU KNOW, THE KARAOKE THING
397 TRACY AND I DOING "EBONY AND IVORY."
398 YOU WERE GREAT, BUT THEY STILL MADE FUN OF YOU.
399 WHAT?
400 YOU KNOW, NOW YOU'RE MORE LIKE MR. CARING BOSS--
401 MR. I'M-ONE-OF-YOU BOSS
402 MR. I-WANT-TO-BE-YOUR-BUDDY BOSS-MAN BING.
403 THEN I DON'T GET IT.
404 WELL... YOU KNOW WHAT, CHANDLER
405 I THINK YOU JUST GOT TO FACE IT.
406 YOU'RE LIKE THE GUY IN THE BIG OFFICE.
407 YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HIRES THEM AND FIRES THEM.
408 THEY SAY YOU'RE A GREAT BOSS.
409 THEY DO?
410 UH-HUH, BUT THEY'RE NOT
411 YOUR FRIENDS ANYMORE.
412 BUT I JUST WANT TO...
413 BUT YOU CAN'T.
414 BUT I JUST WANT...
415 NUH-UH.
416 ( beeping )
417 OH, GOD...
418 AREN'T YOU GOING TO..?
419 CAROL AND I HAVE A NEW SYSTEM.
420 IF SHE PUNCHES IN 911 IT MEANS SHE'S HAVING A BABY.
421 OTHERWISE, I JUST IGNORE IT.
422 WHAT ABOUT ANDRE?
423 WELL, THIS MORNING HE GOT A CALL
424 FROM WHAT I THINK WAS OUR COUSIN NATHAN
425 AND FRANKLY, IT WAS A LITTLE MORE
426 THAN I NEEDED TO KNOW.
427 HEY.
428 THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY OPENING.
429 HEY, DID YOU GUYS CHECK OUT
430 THOSE NEW HAND DRYERS IN THE BATHROOM?
431 I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A RUMOR.
432 TRUE STORY.
433 I GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
434 I'M NOT 17.
435 I ONLY SAID THAT
436 SO YOU'D THINK I WAS CUTE AND VULNERABLE.
437 I'M ACTUALLY 30.
438 I HAVE A WIFE, A JOB.
439 I'M YOUR CONGRESSMAN.
440 MONICA, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
441 WE ARE GREAT TOGETHER.
442 WE CAN TALK, WE MAKE EACH OTHER LAUGH
443 AND THE SEX...
444 OKAY. I HAVE NO FRAME OF REFERENCE
445 BUT I THOUGHT THAT WAS GREAT.
446 IT WAS.
447 WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
448 THEN IT'S, UM...
449 IT'S ICKY.
450 ICKY?
451 YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO THROW THIS AWAY
452 BECAUSE IT'S ICKY?
453 LOOK, THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME EITHER.
454 I WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT.
455 IF YOU WERE A FEW YEARS OLDER
456 OR I WAS A FEW YEARS YOUNGER OR...
457 WE LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES...
458 I-- I COULD REALLY...
459 NO, DON'T SAY IT.
460 LOVE YOU.
461 ARE YOUR HANDS STILL WET?
462 MOIST.
463 LET'S DRY THEM AGAIN.
464 I'M LIKE, "CAN THESE MARGARITAS BE ANY STRONGER?"
465 HEY, CHANDLER.
466 HELLO, MR. BING.
467 LOVED YOUR STEVIE WONDER LAST NIGHT.
468 THANKS. LISTEN, ABOUT THE WEEKLY NUMBERS
469 I'M GOING TO NEED THEM ON MY DESK BY 9:00.
470 SURE.
471 NO PROBLEM.
472 YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM SOMETHING, YOU KNOW.
473 THAT WAS GERSTON, SANTOS...
474 WHO'S THE GUY WITH THE MOUSTACHE?
475 PEETRIE. PEETRIE.
476 RIGHT. SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE WORKING...
477 THIS WEEKEND.
478 ( moaning )
479 OH, THAT'S NICE.
480 OHH...
481 OH.
482 OH, ROSS!
483 ROSS?
484 I'M HERE.
485 YOU ARE?
486 UM...
487 WE WERE, UM...
488 WE WERE... JUST...
489 WOW.
490 WHAT?
491 ( beeping )
492 GREAT. NOW I'M HAVING A BABY.
493 WHAT?!
494 WHOA!
495 WHAT?!
496 I'M HAVING A BABY!
497 OH, MY GOD!
498 THE PHONE, THE PHONE!
499 I DON'T HAVE THE PHONE.
500 ( yells )
501 ROSS?
502 I'M HURT.
503 MONICA, LET'S GO!
504 COME ON! WOMAN IN LABOR.
505 LOOK WHAT I GOT GOING HERE.
506 SAVE IT FOR THE CAB.
507 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
508 WE'RE GOING TO A HOSPITAL.
509 I CAN'T LOOK NICE?
510 THERE'S DOCTORS THERE.
511 JOEY, GET OUT OF THE FRIDGE.
512 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
513 WHAT IS THAT?
514 FOR THE RIDE.
515 YEAH, LIKE IN A CAB...
516 SAVE IT! OKAY. HATING THIS.
517 MONICA, COME ON, NOW! LET'S GO!
518 BABY COMING.
519 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
520 I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT.
521 I'M GOING TO HAVE A NEPHEW.
522 OH, THAT'S NICE.
523 GET OUT.
524 LET'S GO. COME ON.
525 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING.
526 HERE WE GO.
527 ROSSY...
528 COME ON.
529 COME ON.
530 COME ON, ROSSY.
531 ROSSY, COME ON.
532

S01E23

1 She's not here yet. She's not here.
2 She's having my baby and she's not here.
3 I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broken yet?
4 I don't know, but when I spoke to her
5 she said she'd already passed the mucus plug.
6 [gagging]
7 Do we have to know about that?
8 Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?
9 I'm gonna be in the waiting room, handing out cigars.
10 Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby
11 in a movie from the '50s.
12 I don't believe this.
13 I mean, she could be giving birth in the cab.
14 Oh, Ross, relax, it's probably like
15 two dollars for the first contraction
16 and then 50 cents for each additional contract..
17 What, it's okay when Chandler does it?
18 You have to pick your moments.
19 Hi. Did I miss it? Did I miss it?
20 - No, she's not even here yet. - What's with the guitar?
21 Well, I just thought we might be here for a while
22 so you know, things might get musical.
23 Oh, my God! Where the hell have you been?
24 - We stopped at the gift shop. - The gift..
25 I was looking at stuffed animals and Susan wanted a Chunky.
26 Oh, Susan wanted a Chunky.
27 You're having a baby. Okay? A baby.
28 You don't stop for Chunkies!
29 I used to have that bumper sticker.
30 You see what I mean?
31 [theme music]
32 ♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
33 ♪ Your job's a joke you're broke
34 ♪ You're love life's DOA ♪
35 ♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
36 ♪ Well it hasn't been your day your week your month
37 ♪ Or even your year ♪
38 ♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
39 ♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
40 ♪ I'll be there for you ♪
41 ♪ Like I've been there before ♪
42 ♪ I'll be there for you ♪
43 ♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
44 (Ross) 'Stopped for a Chunky.'
45 Let it go, Ross.
46 I got an extra one. You want this?
47 No.
48 Hey! How's my favorite parenting team doing?
49 Dr. Franzblau. Hi.
50 So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby.
51 Well! I see you're nine months pregnant.
52 That's a good start.
53 How are you doing with your contractions?
54 Oh, I love them.
55 Each one's like a little party in my uterus.
56 They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds.
57 59 seconds. Quartz. Ha!
58 Swiss quartz. Ha-ha!
59 Am I allowed to drink anything?
60 Ice chips. Just ice chips.
61 - They're the nurse's station. - Oh, I'll get it!
62 - No, I'm getting it. - No, I got it. Be right back.
63 I'm getting it. I'm getting it.
64 Hi. Thought you might like some ice chips.
65 Thanks.
66 And if you need anything else..
67 I do not believe we have met. Hi.
68 I'm Rachel Greene.
69 I'm Carol's ex-husband's sister's roommate.
70 It's nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau.
71 I'm your roommate's brother's ex-wife's obstetrician.
72 [laughing]
73 Oh, that's funny.
74 [instrumental music]
75 - I want a baby. - Hmm.
76 Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.
77 Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.
78 Oh, okay, because we never do that.
79 Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot!
80 Or just fall down. That's good too.
81 - Knick fan? - Oh, yeah.
82 - Oh, boy, do they suck. - Hey, listen, lady..
83 Whoa.
84 Look. Look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot.
85 You know what, he couldn't hit water
86 if he was standing on a boat.
87 - Oh, yeah? And who do you like? - Celtics.
88 Celtics? Ha! They couldn't hit a boat if..
89 Wait..
90 They suck, alright?
91 Shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year..
92 [gasps] Whoa!
93 Whoa! Uh, let me get the father.
94 Hey! We need, we need a father over here!
95 - Uh, we need a father! - There's no father.
96 - Oh! Oh, oh, sorry. - That's okay. I'm fine.
97 I'm, oh!
98 - I'm.. - Oh! Okay. Right this way.
99 All the other pregnant women seem to be going in here.
100 [guitar music]
101 ♪ They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch ♪
102 ♪ But soon they'll grow up And resent you so much ♪
103 ♪ Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why ♪
104 ♪ And you cry and you cry and you cry ♪
105 ♪ And you cry and you cry and you cry ♪♪
106 - Thanks, Ross. - Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.
107 - Okay? - Okay.
108 (Monica) 'Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.'
109 No fair! I don't even have one.
110 How come they get two?
111 - You'll get one. - Oh, yeah? When?
112 (Chandler) 'Alright, I'll tell you what.'
113 When we're 40, if neither of us are married
114 what do you say you and I get together and have one?
115 Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
116 Oh, oh, no. I just meant hypothetically.
117 Okay, hypothetically
118 why won't I be married when I'm 40?
119 - No. No, no. - No, no, what is it? Seriously.
120 Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?
121 - Uh, uh-- - Well?
122 Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack.
123 - Hey. - Hey.
124 Ooh! Look at you, dressy-dress.
125 Did you go home and change?
126 Uh, well, it's an important day. I want to look nice.
127 Um, has Dr. Franzblau been by?
128 No, I haven't seen him.
129 Well, here is he? He is supposed to be here.
130 What if the baby needs him?
131 Rachel, what's the deal with you and doctors anyway?
132 Is like your father a doctor?
133 Yeah, why?
134 No reason.
135 Mom, we've been through this.
136 No, I am not calling him.
137 I don't care if it is his kid. The guy's a jerk.
138 No, I am not alone. Joey's here.
139 What do you mean, "Joey who?"
140 - Joey who? - Tribbiani.
141 Joey Tribbiani.
142 Yes. Okay.
143 Hold on. She wants to talk to you.
144 Take the phone!
145 Hi. Yeah, it's me.
146 No, no, no. We're just friends.
147 Yeah, I'm single.
148 Twenty-five.
149 An actor. Hello?
150 She's not much of a phone person.
151 Yeah. So, uh, so, uh..
152 What's the deal with this father guy?
153 I mean, If someone was having my baby somewhere
154 I'd wanna know about it, you know?
155 Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood?
156 Uh, no.
157 Okay, uh..
158 - Look, maybe I should just go. - Maybe you should.
159 Good luck. And, uh, take care, huh?
160 [sighs]
161 Know what the Celtics' problem is?
162 They let the players run the team.
163 - Oh, that is so not true! - Oh, it is.
164 - It is. - It isn't.
165 - Breathe. - Breathe.
166 - Breathe. - Breathe.
167 - Breathe. - Breathe.
168 You're gonna kill me!
169 Fifteen more seconds, 14, 13, 12--
170 - Count faster! - It's gonna be okay!
171 Just remember, we're doing it for Jordy.
172 Just keep focusing on Jordy.
173 - Who the hell is Jordy? - Your son.
174 Whoa, whoa, I don't have a son named Jordy.
175 We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.
176 Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend
177 so we went back to Jordy.
178 Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you mean, "Back to Jordy?"
179 We never landed on Jordy.
180 We-we just passed by it during the whole Jesse
181 Cody, Dillon fiasco.
182 - Ow! Ow! Ow! - What? What? What?
183 - Leg cramp, leg cramp. - Okay, I got it.
184 - I got it! - I got it
185 - I'm doing it. - I got it! Hey!
186 You get to sleep with her! I get the cramps!
187 No, you don't!
188 Alright, that is it. I want both of you out!
189 - What? She started it.. - He started it..
190 I don't care!
191 I'm trying to get a person out of my body here
192 and you're not making it any easier.
193 Now go!
194 - Thanks a lot. - See what you did?
195 - Yeah. Listen-- - Out!
196 Breathe, breathe, breathe.
197 Oh, no.
198 Ugh! What is that?
199 Something exploded!
200 It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will ya?
201 Water breaking? What do you mean?
202 What's that, water breaking?
203 Breathe, breathe, breathe.
204 Oh, please. This is so your fault.
205 How? How is this my fault?
206 Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.
207 Yeah, well, there's a lot of things
208 Carol never did before I came along.
209 Are you trying to be clever?
210 You know what your problem is? You are so threatened by me!
211 [indistinct chattering]
212 That's it! Get in here, come on.
213 My God! You guys.
214 I don't believe you.
215 There are children coming into the world
216 in this very building and your negative fighting noises
217 are not the first thing they should be hearing.
218 So just stop all the yelling! Just stop it!
219 Yeah, Susan.
220 Don't make me do this again. I don't like my voice like this.
221 Okay, who wants to hear something ironic?
222 (in unison) Help!
223 - I'm having a baby here. - Help!
224 Hello!
225 - Help! - Okay, everyone stand back.
226 Ow!
227 Are they here yet?
228 No, honey, they're not but don't worry, we're gonna find them.
229 and until we do, we are all here for you, okay?
230 - Okay. - Okay. Okay.
231 Okay, so you were telling me about Paris.
232 It sounds wonderful.
233 There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel.
234 - Oh! Oh! - There you go, dear.
235 Come on, Lydia, you can do it! Push!
236 Push him out, push him out. Harder, harder!
237 Push him out, push him out. Way out!
238 Let's get that ball and really move! Hey, hey!
239 Ho, ho! Let's get..
240 I was just..
241 Yeah, okay. Push.
242 Push! Push!
243 What are you gonna do? Suck the door open?
244 Help! Help!
245 - Help. - Help!
246 ♪ And they found their bodies the very next day ♪
247 ♪ And they found their bodies the very next.. ♪
248 ♪ La la la ♪♪
249 - Help! - Help!
250 Mom, everything's going fine, really.
251 Yeah. Ross is great. He's uh..
252 He's in a whole other place.
253 No. He's gone.
254 No, no, No, you don't have to fly back really.
255 What do you mean, "This might be your only chance?"
256 Would you stop? I'm only 26.
257 [baby cooing] I'm not even thinking about babies yet.
258 [imitating static]
259 Where have you been?
260 Oh, I just had a baby.
261 Mazel tov!
262 I don't know, it could be an hour, could be three
263 but relax, she's doing great.
264 So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?
265 No! No, not at the moment. No, I'm not. No.
266 - Are you in.. - No, no.
267 It's hard enough to get women to go out with me.
268 [chuckles] Right, yeah. Heard that about cute doctors.
269 No, no, really, I suppose it's because I spend so much time
270 you know...where I do.
271 Oh.
272 Hmm, I try not to let work affect my personal life
273 but it's hard when-when you do...what I do.
274 It's like uh..
275 Well, for instance, what do you do?
276 I'm a waitress.
277 Okay, alright, well, aren't there times
278 when you come home at the end of the day
279 and you're just like "If I see one more cup of coffee.."
280 [clears throat] Yeah. Gotcha!
281 I'm gonna check up on your friend.
282 Okay, that's fine.
283 So how'd you know I was even here?
284 (Roy) 'Your mom called me.'
285 So is this her?
286 No, this is a loaner.
287 Listen, I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.
288 I wasn't by myself.
289 I had a doctor, a nurse and a helper guy.
290 So did you see who won the game?
291 Yeah. Knicks by ten. They suck.
292 Uh, they're not so bad.
293 [instrumental music]
294 Come on, come on.
295 Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
296 This is all your fault.
297 This was supposed to be like the greatest day of my life.
298 You know, my son is being born and I'm..
299 I should be in there, you know.
300 Instead I'm stuck in a closet with you.
301 The woman I love is having a baby today
302 I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.
303 No, no, believe me, no one has been waiting
304 for this just as much as I have, okay?
305 And you know what the funny thing is
306 when this thing is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay.
307 Where does that leave me?
308 You get to be the baby's father.
309 Everyone knows who you are. And who am I?
310 There's Fathers Day, there's Mothers Day
311 there's no Lesbian Lover Day.
312 Everyday is Lesbian Lover Day!
313 This is so great.
314 You wanna explain that?
315 I mean, 'cause when I was growing up
316 you know, my dad left and my mother died
317 and my stepfather went to jail so.
318 I barely had enough of pieces of parents to make one whole one.
319 And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents
320 who care about it so much that they're fighting over
321 who gets to love it the most
322 and it's not even born yet. It's just..
323 It's just the luckiest baby in the whole world.
324 I'm sorry, you were fighting.
325 Where are they?
326 I'm sure they'll be here soon.
327 Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.
328 Relax, you're only at nine centimeters
329 and the baby's at zero station.
330 Hey, you are really frightening me.
331 [screaming]
332 Somebody wanna help me. Trying to rip out my heart.
333 Uh, that's great. Anybody seen a nipple?
334 Alright. Ten centimeters. Here we go.
335 Alright, honey, time to start pushin'.
336 But they're not here yet.
337 I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.
338 Oh, God!
339 Okay, got the vent open.
340 Hey, I'm Ben.
341 I'm hospital worker, Ben.
342 It's Ben to the rescue.
343 - Ta-da-da! - Okay, okay, okay.
344 - Ben, you ready? - Yeah.
345 - Alright, give me your foot. - Okay.
346 Okay, on three, Ben. One, two, three!
347 [grunting]
348 Come on, Ben. Okay, that's it, Ben.
349 Okay, okay.
350 What do you see?
351 (Phoebe) 'Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent.'
352 'Wait.'
353 'Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.'
354 Pheebs, It's open! It's open!
355 Wait! You forgot your legs!
356 (in unison) Push! Push!
357 [indistinct chattering]
358 - We're here. - Where have you been?
359 Long story, honey.
360 Okay, I need you to keep pushing.
361 I need.. Excuse me, can I have this?
362 Alright, alright, there's a few too many people in this room
363 there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband
364 or a lesbian life partner, out you go.
365 [indistinct chattering]
366 Good luck, you guys. Good luck.
367 Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?
368 Out!
369 Alright. Alright, he's crowning. Here he comes!
370 Whoa, whoa, let me see. I gotta see, I gotta see.
371 [gasps]
372 Oh! A head!
373 Oh! It's-it's huge. Carol, how are you doing this?
374 Not helping!
375 You're doing great. You're doing fine
376 - Okay, okay. - Hello!
377 Oh, sorry.
378 What do you see?
379 - What do you see? - What do you see?
380 We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we go..
381 Oh, look at that little, the fingers.
382 Oh, a chest and a stomach and it-it's a boy.
383 Definitely boy. Alright.
384 Okay, legs, knees and feet. Oh! Oh!
385 [sighs]
386 [gasps]
387 He's here.
388 He's a person.
389 [baby crying] Oh, look at that.
390 Who does he look like?
391 Kinda like my Uncle Ed covered in Jell-O.
392 Really?
393 (Phoebe) 'You guys, he's beautiful.'
394 Oh, thanks, Pheebs.
395 No shouting but we still need a name for this little guy.
396 How about Ben?
397 I like Ben.
398 Ben.
399 Ben.
400 - Ben's good. - Yeah?
401 How come you never mentioned Ben before?
402 We, uh, we just cooked it up.
403 That's what we were off doing.
404 - Hi. - Hey.
405 - Can we come in? - Yeah, come on. Come on.
406 [baby crying]
407 Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
408 [baby crying] Yeah. This is Ben.
409 - Oh, hi, Ben. - Hi, Ben.
410 Ben, this is everybody.
411 Hey, Ben.
412 Susan, he looks just like you.
413 (Susan) 'Thanks.'
414 Oh, God, I can't believe
415 one of us actually has one of these.
416 I know. I still am one of these.
417 - Ross? - Yeah.
418 Can I?
419 - Okay, the head. - Okay.
420 The head. You gotta..
421 [instrumental music]
422 Hi, Ben.
423 Hi.
424 I'm your Aunt Monica.
425 Yes, I am! I'm your Aunt Monica!
426 I..
427 I will always have gum.
428 Ben, I want you to know that there maybe some times
429 when I-I may not be around. Like this..
430 'But I'll still always come back..'
431 ...like this.
432 And sometimes I may be away longer.
433 Like this..
434 '...but I'll still always come back.'
435 Like this.
436 And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third
437 and I'll go like this.
438 - He is so amazing! - Yeah, I know. Look at him.
439 Ben?
440 Ben?
441 Hey, Ben?
442 Nothing. I don't think that's his name.
443 Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes.
444 Oh, look, he's opening his eyes.
445 He doesn't do much, does he?
446 Nope. This is pretty much it.
447 You guys wanna get some coffee?
448 (all) Yeah.
449 Yeah, I'll see you guys later.
450 [instrumental music]
451 Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.
452

S01E24

1 Ross: THERE'S LITTLE BEN.
2 LOOK AT AUNT MONICA'S LITTLE BOY.
3 LOOK, HE'S GOT ROSS'S HAIRCUT.
4 LET ME SEE.
5 OH, GOD, IS HE JUST THE SWEETEST THING.
6 YOU MUST JUST WANT TO KISS HIM ALL OVER.
7 THAT WOULD BE NICE.
8 ( snorts )
9 PARDON?
10 NOTHING. JUST A LITTLE EXTRA AIR IN MY MOUTH.
11 HEY, CHAN, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT HERE?
12 I PROMISE I'LL PAY YOU BACK.
13 OH, YEAH, RIGHT, OKAY.
14 INCLUDING THE WAFFLES LAST WEEK
15 YOU NOW OWE ME...
16 17 JILLION DOLLARS.
17 I WILL, REALLY. I'LL PAY YOU BACK.
18 AND WHERE'S THIS MONEY COMING FROM?
19 I'M HELPING OUT DOWN AT THE N.Y.U. MED SCHOOL
20 WITH SOME RESEARCH.
21 WHAT KIND OF RESEARCH?
22 JUST, YOU KNOW, SCIENCE.
23 SCIENCE.
24 YEAH, I THINK I'VE HEARD OF THAT.
25 IT'S A FERTILITY STUDY.
26 OH.
27 JOEY, PLEASE TELL ME
28 YOU'RE ONLY DONATING YOUR TIME.
29 ALL RIGHT, COME ON, YOU GUYS.
30 IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
31 I JUST GO DOWN THERE EVERY OTHER DAY
32 AND MAKE MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE PROJECT.
33 HEY, HEY
34 BUT AT THE END OF TWO WEEKS I GET $700.
35 YOU'RE GOING TO BE MAKING MONEY HAND OVER FIST.
36 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
37 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
38 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
39 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
40 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
41 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
42 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
43 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
44 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
45 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
46 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
47 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO ♪
48 OKAY, WE GOT THE COLESLAW, WE GOT THE BUNS...
49 WE'VE GOT THE GROUND-UP FLESH
50 OF FORMERLY CUTE COWS AND TURKEYS.
51 MEN ARE HERE.
52 WE MAKE FIRE.
53 COOK MEAT.
54 THEN PUT OUT FIRE BY PEEING.
55 NO GET INVITED BACK.
56 JOEY, MELANIE CALLED.
57 SHE'S GOING TO BE LATE.
58 OKAY.
59 HOW ARE THINGS GOING WITH YOU TWO?
60 IS SHE BECOMING YOUR SPECIAL SOMEONE?
61 I DON'T KNOW.
62 SHE'S, UH, SHE'S PRETTY GREAT.
63 WHAT DOES SHE THINK OF YOUR LITTLE SCIENCE PROJECT?
64 YOU THINK I'M GOING TO TELL A GIRL I LIKE
65 THAT I'M ALSO SEEING A CUP?
66 MAN'S GOT A POINT.
67 THE TOUGH THING IS
68 SHE REALLY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.
69 CRAZY BITCH.
70 I STILL GOT A WEEK LEFT TO GO IN THE PROGRAM.
71 AND ACCORDING TO THE RULES
72 IF I WANT THE MONEY
73 I'M NOT ALLOWED TO CONDUCT ANY PERSONAL EXPERIMENTS
74 IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
75 JOEY, WE ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
76 HOW LONG DID YOU THINK
77 THIS BARBECUE WAS GOING TO LAST?
78 I'M GOING TO CHINA.
79 GEEZ, YOU SAY ONE THING...
80 YOU'RE GOING TO CHINA?
81 IT'S FOR THE MUSEUM.
82 SOMEONE FOUND A BONE.
83 THEY DON'T WANT US TO HAVE THE BONE.
84 I'M GOING TO TRY AND PERSUADE THEM TO GIVE US...
85 IT'S A WHOLE BIG BONE THING.
86 ANYWAY, I'M GOING TO BE GONE FOR LIKE A WEEK.
87 SO IF YOU WANT TO REACH ME, YOU CAN'T.
88 HERE'S MY ITINERARY.
89 UM, HERE'S A PICTURE OF ME.
90 LET ME SEE.
91 COULD YOU TAKE IT TO CAROL EVERY NOW AND THEN
92 AND SHOW IT TO BEN SO HE DOESN'T FORGET ME?
93 YEAH.
94 HI, BEN, I'M YOUR FATHER.
95 I AM THE HEAD!
96 ALL RIGHT. THIS BARBECUE'S GOING TO BE VERY FUN.
97 HEY, IS RACHEL HERE?
98 I WANTED TO WISH HER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEFORE I LEFT.
99 SHE'S HAVING DRINKS WITH CARL.
100 OH.
101 HEY, WHO'S CARL?
102 YOU KNOW, THAT GUY
103 SHE MET AT THE COFFEEHOUSE.
104 NO.
105 THERE'S THIS GUY THAT SHE MET...
106 AT THE COFFEEHOUSE, RIGHT.
107 SO YOU DO KNOW WHO HE IS.
108 I'M GOING TO GO SAY GOOD-BYE TO THE GUYS.
109 HEY, TELL THEM THAT BONE STORY.
110 HI.
111 HEY.
112 I HAVE TO GO TO CHINA.
113 THE COUNTRY?
114 NO, NO. THIS BIG PILE OF DISHES IN MY MOM'S BREAKFRONT.
115 DO YOU GUYS KNOW
116 WHO CARL IS?
117 LET'S SEE... ALVIN, SIMON, THEODORE...
118 NO.
119 WELL, RACHEL'S HAVING DRINKS WITH HIM TONIGHT.
120 OH, NO!
121 HOW CAN SHE DO THAT
122 WHEN SHE'S NEVER SHOWN ANY INTEREST IN YOU?
123 FORGET ABOUT HER.
124 HE'S RIGHT, MAN. PLEASE.
125 GO TO CHINA.
126 EAT CHINESE FOOD.
127 OF COURSE, THERE THEY JUST CALL IT "FOOD."
128 YEAH, I GUESS.
129 I DON'T KNOW.
130 ALL RIGHT. JUST... JUST GIVE HER THIS, OKAY?
131 WE'RE JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.
132 WE WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.
133 AND I MAY HAVE A COUPLE BEERS IN ME
134 BUT I LOVE YOU, MAN.
135 I'M STILL ON MY FIRST.
136 I JUST THINK YOU'RE NICE.
137 THAT'S WHEN ME AND MY FRIEND
138 STARTED THIS WHOLE FRUITBASKET BUSINESS.
139 WE CALL OURSELVES "THE THREE BASKETEERS."
140 LIKE THE THREE MUSKETEERS, ONLY WITH FRUIT.
141 OH.
142 OKAY.
143 HOW DOES EVERYBODY LIKE THEIR BURGERS?
144 NO, NO, PRESENTS FIRST
145 FOOD LATER.
146 HEY, HOLD ON THERE, TIGER.
147 HOW'S IT GOING? HOW YOU HOLDING UP?
148 SHE DEFINITELY THINKS TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT
149 WE'RE GOING TO COMPLETE THE TRANSACTION
150 IF YOU KNOW WHAT...
151 AND YOU DO.
152 SO HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT BEING THERE FOR HER?
153 WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
154 YOU KNOW, JUST BE THERE FOR HER.
155 NOT FOLLOWING YOU.
156 THINK ABOUT IT.
157 OKAY, I'M GUESSING THIS IS FROM...
158 WELL, THANK YOU, MELANIE.
159 OKAY, THIS ONE RIGHT HERE IS FROM ME.
160 OKAY.
161 IT'S LIGHT.
162 IT RATTLES.
163 IT'S...
164 TRAVEL SCRABBLE.
165 WOW. THANK YOU.
166 THIS ONE'S FROM JOEY.
167 FEELS LIKE A BOOK.
168 AND IT'S A BOOK.
169 IT'S DR. SEUSS!
170 THAT BOOK GOT ME THROUGH SOME TOUGH TIMES.
171 THERE IS A LITTLE CHILD INSIDE THIS MAN.
172 YES. THE DOCTORS SAY IF THEY REMOVE IT
173 HE'LL DIE.
174 WHO'S THIS FROM?
175 ROSS.
176 OH, MY GOD.
177 HE REMEMBERED.
178 REMEMBERED WHAT?
179 IT WAS MONTHS AGO.
180 WE WERE WALKING BY THIS ANTIQUE STORE.
181 I SAW THIS PIN IN THE WINDOW.
182 I TOLD HIM IT WAS JUST LIKE ONE
183 MY GRANDMOTHER HAD WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL.
184 I CAN'T BELIEVE HE REMEMBERED.
185 WELL, SURE, BUT CAN YOU PLAY IT ON A PLANE?
186 IT'S SO PRETTY.
187 THIS MUST HAVE COST HIM A FORTUNE.
188 I CAN'T BELIEVE
189 HE DID THIS.
190 REMEMBER BACK IN COLLEGE
191 WHEN ROSS FELL IN LOVE WITH CAROL
192 AND BOUGHT HER
193 THAT RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE CRYSTAL DUCK?
194 WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
195 ( clearing throat )
196 CRYSTAL DUCK.
197 NO, NO, NO.
198 THE, UM... THE LOVE PART?
199 FOR... FLANIN...
200 OH, MY GOD!
201 OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
202 THAT'S GOOD. JUST KEEP RUBBING YOUR HEAD.
203 THAT WILL TURN BACK TIME.
204 THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
205 I KNOW. THIS IS REALLY, REALLY HUGE.
206 NO, IT'S NOT.
207 IT'S SMALL. IT'S TINY.
208 IT'S PETITE. IT'S WEE.
209 UH-UH. I DON'T THINK ANY OF OUR LIVES
210 ARE EVER GOING TO BE THE SAME EVER AGAIN.
211 IS THERE A MUTE BUTTON ON THIS WOMAN?
212 I THINK THIS IS SO GREAT.
213 I MEAN, YOU AND ROSS!
214 DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA?
215 NO. NONE.
216 MY FIRST NIGHT IN THE CITY HE MENTIONED
217 SOMETHING ABOUT ASKING ME OUT
218 BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED...
219 WHAT ELSE DID HE SAY?
220 DOES HE WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME?
221 SINCE HE IS DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH YOU
222 HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T MIND GETTING A CUP
223 OF COFFEE OR SOMETHING.
224 ROSS?
225 ALL THIS TIME?
226 WELL, I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HIM.
227 HE'S IN CHINA!
228 THE COUNTRY.
229 HIS FLIGHT DOESN'T LEAVE FOR ANOTHER 45 MINUTES.
230 THE TIME DIFFERENCE.
231 FROM HERE TO THE AIRPORT?
232 YES!
233 YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT.
234 WELL, I'VE GOT TO TRY.
235 WHAT WILL YOU SAY?
236 I-I-I DON'T KNOW.
237 WELL, THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T GO.
238 IF YOU JUST BREAK HIS HEART
239 THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT CAN WAIT.
240 IF IT'S GOOD NEWS, TELL HIM NOW.
241 MAYBE I'LL KNOW WHEN I SEE HIM.
242 HERE, LOOK.
243 ALL RIGHT. DOES THIS HELP?
244 NO...
245 LOOK, I CANNOT WAIT A WEEK UNTIL I SEE HIM.
246 THIS IS JUST TOO BIG.
247 I'VE JUST GOT TO TALK TO HIM.
248 I'VE GOT TO... OKAY. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
249 RACHEL, I LOVE YOU!
250 DEAL WITH ME FIRST!
251 ZAI JIAN.
252 WO DE FENGZHENG YOU CHONGZI...
253 ALL RIGHTY!
254 NI XIAO SHI MA!
255 ROSS!
256 ROSS!
257 PARDON ME!
258 YOUR BOARDING PASS?
259 I NEED TO TALK TO MY FRIEND.
260 YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE JETWAY
261 UNLESS YOU HAVE A BOARDING PASS.
262 I KNOW, BUT HE JUST WENT ON.
263 HE'S GOT THE BLUE JACKET ON.
264 I'M SORRY. FEDERAL REGULATIONS.
265 ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
266 COULD YOU PLEASE
267 JUST GIVE HIM A MESSAGE FOR ME?
268 PLEASE? THIS IS IMPORTANT.
269 ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S THE MESSAGE?
270 I DON'T KNOW.
271 EXCUSE ME. SIR! SIR!
272 EXCUSE ME. SIR!
273 I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.
274 WHAT?
275 IT'S FROM RACHEL.
276 SHE SAID THAT SHE LOVED THE PRESENT
277 AND SHE'LL SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK.
278 TOBY, OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
279 I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.
280 THERE'S NO RACHEL!
281 DON'T GIVE ME THAT DEEP FREEZE.
282 MMM...
283 OH, JOEY, JOEY, JOEY.
284 I THINK I BLACKED OUT THERE FOR A MINUTE.
285 IT WAS NOTHING.
286 WELL, NOW WE'VE GOT
287 TO FIND SOMETHING FUN FOR YOU.
288 ( laughs )
289 ( kissing )
290 UH... YOU KNOW WHAT?
291 FORGET ABOUT ME.
292 LET'S, UH...
293 LET'S GIVE YOU ANOTHER TURN.
294 ME AGAIN?
295 SURE! WHY NOT?
296 BOY! SOMEBODY'S GOING TO GET A BIG FRUIT BASKET TOMORROW.
297 OH! I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, JOEY
298 YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE.
299 HOW DO YOU MEAN?
300 I GUESS I JUST HAD YOU PEGGED
301 AS ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO ARE ALWAYS "ME, ME, ME."
302 BUT YOU...
303 YOU'RE A GIVER.
304 YOU'RE, LIKE, THE MOST GENEROUS MAN I'VE EVER MET.
305 I MEAN...
306 YOU'RE PRACTICALLY A WOMAN.
307 UH, SO, UH, RACH
308 YOU WANT TO SAVE THIS WRAPPING PAPER?
309 IT'S ONLY A LITTLE BIT TORN.
310 SO ARE YOU GOING TO GO FOR IT WITH ROSS
311 OR SHOULD I JUST THROW IT OUT?
312 I DON'T KNOW.
313 I DON'T KNOW.
314 I THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALL THE WAY THERE
315 AND I THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALL THE WAY BACK.
316 AND, UH, OH, YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW, IT'S ROSS.
317 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
318 I MEAN, IT'S ROSS.
319 SURE. SURE.
320 I DON'T KNOW.
321 I MEAN, THIS IS JUST MY INITIAL GUT FEELING...
322 ( sighs )
323 BUT I'M THINKING...
324 I'M THINKING IT'D BE REALLY GREAT.
325 OH, MY GOD, YOU DO!
326 WE'LL BE LIKE FRIENDS-IN-LAW.
327 YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS?
328 YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM.
329 IT'S LIKE STARTING ON THE 15th DATE.
330 YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW.
331 IT'S LIKE STARTING ON THE 15th DATE.
332 ANOTHER GOOD POINT.
333 NO. I MEAN...
334 WHEN YOU'RE AT THE 15th DATE
335 YOU'RE ALREADY IN A VERY RELATIONSHIPPY PLACE.
336 YOU'RE COMMITTED.
337 HUH?
338 THEN WHAT HAPPENS IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT?
339 WHY ISN'T IT WORKING OUT?
340 SOMETIMES IT DOESN'T.
341 IS HE NOT CUTE ENOUGH FOR YOU?
342 OR NOT MAKE ENOUGH MONEY?
343 NO. I'M JUST...
344 SOMEONE ELSE?
345 WHA... IS THERE?
346 IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE?
347 NO! THERE IS NO ONE ELSE!
348 THEN WHY ARE YOU DUMPING MY BROTHER?
349 WELL...
350 HEY, BIG...
351 SHH!
352 SPENDER.
353 SHE'S STILL ASLEEP.
354 SO, HOW'D IT GO?
355 IT WAS AMAZING.
356 YOU EVER THINK YOU'RE GREAT IN BED?
357 THE FACT THAT YOU'D EVEN ASK THAT QUESTION
358 SHOWS HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW ME.
359 WELL, IT'S LIKE, LAST NIGHT
360 I COULDN'T DO THE THING THAT USUALLY MAKES ME GREAT.
361 SO I HAD TO DO ALL THIS OTHER STUFF
362 AND THE RESPONSE I GOT-- MAN, OH, MAN!
363 IT WAS LIKE A TICKER-TAPE PARADE.
364 YES, I KNOW.
365 AS IT HAPPENS, MY ROOM
366 IS VERY, VERY CLOSE TO THE PARADE ROUTE.
367 IT WAS AMAZING.
368 NOT JUST FOR HER, UH-UH.
369 FOR ME TOO.
370 IT'S LIKE ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M BLIND.
371 BUT ALL MY OTHER SENSES ARE HEIGHTENED.
372 IT'S LIKE I WAS ABLE TO APPRECIATE IT
373 ON ANOTHER LEVEL.
374 I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD ANOTHER LEVEL.
375 I KNOW. NEITHER DID I.
376 HEY, GREAT SKIRT!
377 BIRTHDAY PRESENT?
378 YEAH.
379 WELL, FROM WHO?
380 FROM YOU-- I EXCHANGED THE BLOUSE
381 YOU GOT ME.
382 WELL, IT'S THE THOUGHT.
383 HEY, DOESN'T ROSS' FLIGHT GET IN IN A COUPLE OF HOURS...
384 AT GATE 27B?
385 UH, YEAH. UH, MONICA, YOU KNOW, HONEY
386 I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT
387 AND I'VE DECIDED THIS WHOLE ROSS THING
388 IS JUST NOT A GOOD IDEA.
389 WHY?
390 BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE
391 I WOULDN'T JUST BE GOING OUT WITH HIM
392 I WOULD BE GOING OUT WITH ALL OF YOU.
393 THERE WOULD JUST BE ALL THIS PRESSURE...
394 NO. NO PRESSURE! NO PRESSURE!
395 NOTHING HAS EVEN HAPPENED YET
396 AND YOU ARE ALREADY SO...
397 I AM NOT "SO"!
398 OKAY. I WAS A TEENSY BIT WEIRD AT FIRST
399 BUT I'LL BE GOOD. I PROMISE.
400 ( buzzing )
401 OKAY?
402 WHO IS IT?
403 Man: It's me, Carl.
404 COME ON UP.
405 BEHIND MY BROTHER'S BACK?
406 IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF CRAZY THING
407 YOU WON'T BE HEARING FROM ME.
408 700 BUCKS!
409 ALL RIGHT! YOU DID IT!
410 DO WE HAVE ANY FRUIT?
411 MAN, HELL OF A TWO WEEKS, HUH?
412 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH?
413 I REALLY FEEL LIKE I LEARNED SOMETHING.
414 YOU'RE STICKING WITH THIS "ALL FOR HER" THING?
415 WHAT ARE YOU? CRAZY?
416 WHEN A BLIND MAN GETS HIS SIGHT BACK
417 DOES HE WALK AROUND LIKE THIS?
418 I'M JUST SAYING
419 IF I SEE ONE MORE PICTURE OF ED BEGLEY, JR.
420 IN THAT STUPID ELECTRIC CAR
421 I'M GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF!
422 I'M NOT AGAINST ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES PER SE.
423 IT'S JUST THAT GUY!
424 I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
425 YOU WOULD RATHER GO OUT WITH HIM THAN ME.
426 WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
427 I'M TRYING TO HAVE A DATE.
428 FINE. JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT ME.
429 ( sighs )
430 CAN'T DO IT, CAN YOU?
431 SO, I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU.
432 SO WHAT?
433 I DON'T GET IT.
434 WHAT DO YOU SEE IN THIS GUY?
435 WELL, HE SEEMS TO BE A VERY NICE... GUY.
436 ...COME ON, BUDDY! GET A REAL CAR!
437 RACHEL, COME ON.
438 GIVE US A CHANCE.
439 ROSS, IT'S TOO HARD.
440 BECAUSE IT MIGHT GET WEIRD FOR EVERYONE ELSE?
441 WHO CARES ABOUT THEM?
442 THIS IS ABOUT US.
443 I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU SINCE LIKE, THE NINTH GRADE.
444 YOU'RE LIKE MY BEST FRIEND.
445 IF WE BROKE UP AND I LOST YOU...
446 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
447 WHY WOULD WE BREAK UP?
448 HAVE YOU BEEN INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE
449 WHERE YOU HAVEN'T BROKEN UP?
450 NO.
451 BUT IT ONLY HAS TO HAPPEN ONCE.
452 LOOK, YOU AND I BOTH KNOW
453 WE ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER.
454 RIGHT? I MEAN, SO THE ONLY QUESTION IS
455 ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO ME?
456 I DON'T KNOW.
457 I MEAN, I'VE NEVER LOOKED AT YOU THAT WAY BEFORE.
458 WELL, START LOOKING.
459 WOW.
460 EXACTLY!
461 AND I'LL BE THE GUY
462 CAUGHT BEHIND THIS HAMMERHEAD IN TRAFFIC.
463 UH, RIGHT.
464 YOU'RE RIGHT.
465 YOU KNOW WHAT?
466 WHAT?
467 I FORGOT I'M SUPPOSED
468 TO PICK UP A FRIEND AT THE AIRPORT.
469 I AM SO SORRY.
470 SO, IF YOU WANT TO STAY AND FINISH YOUR DRINKS
471 PLEASE DO.
472 I'M SORRY. I'VE GOT TO GO. I'M SORRY.
473 BUT...
474 EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.
475 EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. SORRY.
476 TOBY, FOR GOD'S SAKE. WILL YOU LET IT GO?
477 THERE'S NO RACHEL!
478 EXCUSE ME. SORRY.
479 OH, HEY. HEY. I GOT THAT.
480 OH, THANKS. SWEETIE.
481 NO PROBLEM.
482 I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU TO MEET MY FRIENDS.
483 REALLY?
484 YOU DON'T THINK
485 THEY'LL JUDGE AND RIDICULE ME?
486 NO. THEY WILL. I JUST...
487 Both: CAN'T WAIT.
488 THEY'LL LOVE YOU.
489 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS ♪
490 ♪ STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
491 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
492 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
493 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
494 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
495 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
496 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
497 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU... ♪
498 [Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]
499

S02E01

1 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
2 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
3 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
4 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
5 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
6 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
7 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
8 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
9 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
10 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
11 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
12 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
13 OH, MY GOD.
14 OH, MY GOD.
15 OH, MY... EXCUSE ME.
16 MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!
17 EMERGENCY, PLEASE.
18 EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
19 ( yelling )
20 RACH!
21 THERE YOU ARE.
22 HEY. HI.
23 OH, SO, SO...
24 HOW WAS CHINA?
25 YOU!
26 IT WAS, IT WAS GREAT.
27 OH, WHAT HAPPENED?
28 WHAT? Y-YOU'RE BLEEDING.
29 I AM? OH MY GOD.
30 OH, LOOK AT THAT. YES, I AM.
31 ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT ME
32 MR. BACK- FROM-THE-ORIENT.
33 COME ON, I WANT TO HEAR EVERYTHING.
34 EVERYTHING.
35 WELL, UH, WHERE DO I START?
36 UM, WELL, THIS IS JULIE.
37 UH, JULIE, THIS IS RACHEL.
38 HI.
39 UH... OH!
40 UH, THESE ARE...
41 THESE ARE...
42 AREN'T FOR YOU.
43 UH, THESE ARE FOR YOU.
44 [ENUNCIATING] WELCOME TO OUR COUNTRY.
45 THANK YOU.
46 [ENUNCIATING] I'M FROM NEW YORK.
47 OH, OKAY. SORRY.
48 WELL, NOT A PROBLEM.
49 WE'LL JUST USE THEM TO STOP THE BLEEDING.
50 OKAY. UH, BAGGAGE CLAIM?
51 OKAY. OKAY.
52 NO WAY. I'M TELLING YOU,
53 SHE WENT TO THE AIRPORT
54 AND SHE'S GOING TO GO FOR IT WITH ROSS.
55 OH, MY GOD. THIS IS HUGE.
56 THIS IS BIGGER THAN HUGE.
57 THIS IS LIKE... ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S BIGGER THAN HUGE?
58 UM... THIS?
59 YES.
60 GUYS, YOU GOT NEW HAIRCUTS.
61 YES, YES, WE DID, THANKS TO VIDAL BUFFAY.
62 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD
63 WE DON'T LOOK GOOD.
64 I LOVE THAT VOICE.
65 WHOA. OH.
66 ( panting ): AIRPORT! AIRPORT!
67 ROSS... NOT ALONE!
68 JULIE...
69 ARM AROUND HER!
70 OH... CRAMP! CRAMP! CRAMP!
71 OKAY, I THINK SHE'S TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING.
72 QUICK, GET THE VERBS.
73 OW.
74 YOU... YOU, YOU SAID HE LIKED ME.
75 YOU, YOU...
76 YOU SLOWPOKES!
77 THAT'S ALL RIGHT, RACH. WE GOT THE BAGS.
78 HI. HELLO.
79 JULIE, THIS IS MY SISTER, MONICA.
80 THIS IS CHANDLER.
81 HEY. HEY.
82 PHOEBE, HI.
83 JOEY, WHAT UP?
84 OKAY, EVERYONE, THIS IS JULIE.
85 JULIE.
86 All: OH...
87 HI! HI!
88 HI! HEY!
89 HI. I'M NOT HERE.
90 I'LL MAKE A MUCH BETTER FIRST IMPRESSION TOMORROW
91 WHEN I DON'T HAVE 20 HOURS OF CAB AND PLANE ON ME.
92 AND BUS.
93 OH, MY GOD. THAT...
94 THE SCREAMING GUY?
95 AND THE SPITTING?
96 Ross: YOU GOT TO HEAR THIS STORY.
97 WE'RE ON THIS BUS
98 THAT'S EASILY 200 YEARS OLD, RIGHT?
99 AND THIS GUY...
100 AND THE CHICKEN POOPS IN HER LAP.
101 OH, I'M SO SORRY.
102 I JUST GAVE AWAY THE ENDING, DIDN'T I?
103 OH, IT'S JUST I JUST HEARD THIS STORY IN THE CAB
104 AND IT IS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.
105 THIS IS AMAZING.
106 I MEAN, HOW..?
107 HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
108 WE WERE IN GRAD SCHOOL TOGETHER.
109 BUT WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER SINCE THEN.
110 WELL, I LAND IN CHINA.
111 GUESS WHO'S IN CHARGE OF THE DIG?
112 JULIE!
113 ISN'T THAT GREAT?
114 I MEAN, ISN'T THAT JUST KICK-YOU-IN-THE-CROTCH
115 SPIT-ON-YOUR-NECK FANTASTIC?
116 IT'S AN EXPRESSION.
117 WE JUST WANTED TO SAY A QUICK HI
118 THEN WE'RE GOING TO GO SEE THE BABY.
119 AND THEN, WE'VE GOT TO GET SOME SLEEP.
120 YEAH. IT'S REALLY 6:00 TOMORROW NIGHT OUR TIME.
121 OKAY, WELL, LISTEN, DON'T TELL US
122 WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THOUGH,
123 'CAUSE I LIKE TO BE SURPRISED.
124 BYE.
125 BYE.
126 RACH, CAN I GET SOME COFFEE?
127 YEAH, SURE.
128 HEY, RACH.
129 DID YOU TALK TO HIM? NO.
130 THEN NO.
131 SO, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU IN CHINA?
132 I MEAN, WHEN LAST WE LEFT YOU
133 YOU WERE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH... YOU KNOW.
134 I KNOW, I KNOW I WAS
135 BUT THERE WAS ALWAYS THIS LITTLE VOICE INSIDE
136 THAT KEPT SAYING, "IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
137 MOVE ON," AND YOU KNOW WHOSE VOICE THAT WAS?
138 GOD?
139 IT WAS YOU, PAL.
140 WELL, MAYBE IT WAS GOD DOING ME.
141 LOOK, YOU WERE RIGHT, OKAY?
142 SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SEES A FRIEND
143 THAT'S ALL,
144 AND THEN, I MET JULIE
145 AND WE'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME
146 AND I HAVE TO SAY
147 I NEVER WOULD HAVE GONE FOR IT WITH HER
148 IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOU.
149 WELL, YOU OWE ME ONE, BIG GUY.
150 HERE'S YOUR LEMONADE.
151 I DIDN'T ORDER LEMONADE.
152 OH. WELL, THEN YOU BETTER GO TAKE THAT BACK
153 'CAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO CHARGE YOU FOR THAT.
154 BUT... GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
155 COME ON, COME ON.
156 OKAY, SO, UH, WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT?
157 HE SAID...
158 HE SAID...
159 HE SAID THEY'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME.
160 I'M SORRY.
161 WHAT?
162 BUT...
163 THE SILVER LINING IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT
164 IS THAT HE MADE THIS DECISION ALL BY HIMSELF
165 WITHOUT ANY OUTSIDE HELP WHATSOEVER.
166 HOW IS THAT A SILVER LINING?
167 YOU HAVE TO REALLY WANT TO SEE IT.
168 ( crowd cheering )
169 IRONICALLY, THESE ARE THE GUYS WHO WERE PICKED LAST IN GYM.
170 HEY, PHEEBS.
171 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING?
172 OH, OKAY.
173 HOW...
174 IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE YOU'VE HAD SEX
175 YOU'RE WONDERING IF THEY'VE CHANGED IT?
176 NO, ALTHOUGH NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING.
177 SO, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
178 WELL, I WAS THINKING
179 THAT YOU GAVE THE GUYS SUCH GREAT HAIRCUTS
180 I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO DO MINE.
181 OH. NO.
182 WHY NOT?
183 BECAUSE I'M JUST...
184 I'M INCREDIBLY ANAL
185 AND AN UNBELIEVABLE CONTROL FREAK.
186 NO, YOU'RE NOT.
187 I KNOW I'M NOT, BUT YOU ARE
188 AND I WAS TRYING TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS.
189 ( phone ringing )
190 Joey: HELLO?
191 OH, HI.
192 YEAH, HOLD ON A SEC.
193 ROSS, JULIE, FOR YOU.
194 HELLO? HI.
195 HEY, ANYBODY KNOW A GOOD TAILOR?
196 YOU NEED SOME CLOTHES ALTERED?
197 NO, I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A MAN
198 TO DRAW ON ME WITH CHALK.
199 WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE FRANKIE?
200 MY FAMILY'S BEEN GOING TO HIM FOREVER.
201 HE DID MY FIRST SUIT WHEN I WAS 15.
202 NO, WAIT. 16.
203 NO. EXCUSE ME. 15.
204 ALL RIGHT, WHEN WAS 1990?
205 OKAY, YOU HAVE TO STOP THE Q-TIP
206 WHEN THERE'S RESISTANCE.
207 OKAY, OKAY, SWEETHEART
208 I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
209 OKAY, BYE. WHAT?
210 OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.
211 NO, NO, OKAY.
212 NO, YOU HANG UP.
213 NO, YOU... OKAY.
214 OKAY. ONE, TWO, THREE.
215 WELL, YOU DIDN'T HANG UP EITHER.
216 Both: SHE DIDN'T HANG UP EITHER.
217 OKAY, NO.
218 NO, YOU HANG UP.
219 YOU. YOU. Y...
220 I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO ME.
221 RACHEL...
222 I'LL JUST CALL HER BACK.
223 OKAY.
224 OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
225 A WEEK AGO, TWO WEEKS AGO, I WAS FINE.
226 ROSS WAS JUST ROSS.
227 JUST THIS GUY.
228 NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE'S ROSS...
229 OH, THIS REALLY GREAT GUY THAT I CAN'T HAVE.
230 SWEETIE, I WANTED YOU TO HAVE HIM TOO.
231 I KNOW YOU DID.
232 I'M JUST GOING TO DEAL WITH IT.
233 ( kissing sounds )
234 I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
235 OKAY, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU GUYS SAY.
236 SOMETHING IS BOTHERING HER.
237 YOU KNOW, I THINK I WAS 16.
238 PLEASE. JUST A LITTLE BIT OFF THE BACK?
239 UM, I'M STILL ON NO.
240 UH, MORNING.
241 HEY. HEY.
242 COULD YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES FOR A SEC?
243 OH, NO, NO.
244 I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT AGAIN.
245 WHAT'S GOING ON?
246 WELL, I SORT OF DID A STUPID THING LAST NIGHT.
247 WHAT STUPID THING DID YOU DO?
248 BONGIORNO, TUTTI!
249 EW!
250 PAOLO, GO GET DRESSED
251 AND YOU BE ON YOUR WAY.
252 OKAY. BYE-BYE.
253 RACHEL, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
254 I JUST KIND OF RAN INTO HIM LAST NIGHT.
255 WHERE? AT HIS APARTMENT.
256 IS THIS JUICE?
257 WHOA, WHOA.
258 AND THE FACT THAT YOU DUMPED HIM
259 'CAUSE HE HIT ON PHOEBE?
260 OH, GOD, I KNOW I'M PATHETIC.
261 I'M A LOSER.
262 HONEY, YOU'RE NOT PATHETIC.
263 YOU'RE JUST... YOU'RE SAD.
264 YEAH, PEOPLE DO STUPID THINGS WHEN THEY'RE UPSET.
265 MY GOD, IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY GUY
266 I WISH I HADN'T...
267 BUT THIS IS ABOUT YOUR HORRIBLE MISTAKE.
268 HI.
269 HEY. HEY.
270 HEY.
271 SORRY WE'RE LATE.
272 WE WERE, UH...
273 WELL, THERE WAS TOUCHING.
274 HEY...
275 OH...
276 HEY, ROSS! PAOLO.
277 WHAT A...
278 WHAT, UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
279 I DO RACQUELA. AH.
280 SO, UH, HE'S BACK.
281 YEAH, HE'S BACK.
282 IS THAT A PROBLEM?
283 NO. NOT A PROBLEM.
284 GOOD. GLAD IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
285 OKAY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO NOT TOUCH MY ASS.
286 WELL...
287 DESPITE THE YUMMY BAGELS
288 AND PALPABLE TENSION
289 I'VE GOT PANTS THAT NEED TO BE ALTERED.
290 HEY, CHANDLER, WHEN YOU SEE FRANKIE
291 TELL HIM JOEY TRIBBIANI SAYS HELLO.
292 HE'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
293 YOU SURE HE'S GOING TO BE ABLE TO CRACK THAT CODE?
294 YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, THE LAST TIME PAOLO WAS HERE
295 MY HAIR WAS SO MUCH SHORTER AND CUTER.
296 ALL RIGHT.
297 OKAY, BUT, BUT
298 YOU HAVE TO PROMISE THAT
299 YOU WILL NOT BE ALL CONTROL-Y AND BOSSY
300 AND ALL, YOU KNOW, MONICA ABOUT IT.
301 I PROMISE.
302 ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.
303 NOW, SOME OF YOU ARE GOING TO GET CUT
304 AND SOME OF YOU AREN'T
305 BUT I PROMISE, NONE OF YOU WILL FEEL A THING.
306 OKAY.
307 ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. I QUIT.
308 WHAT? I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
309 YEAH, BUT THIS ISN'T THE FACE
310 OF A PERSON WHO TRUSTS A PERSON, OKAY?
311 THIS IS THE FACE OF A PERSON
312 WHO, YOU KNOW, DOESN'T TRUST A PERSON.
313 I'M SORRY. SORRY, PHOEBE.
314 IT'S JUST, WELL, IT'S JUST A LITTLE SHORTER
315 THAN WHAT WE HAD DISCUSSED.
316 WOULD YOU RELAX?
317 I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.
318 THIS IS HOW HE WEARS IT.
319 HOW WHO WEARS IT?
320 DEMI MOORE.
321 DEMI MOORE IS NOT A HE.
322 WELL, HE WAS A HE IN ARTHUR AND IN TEN.
323 THAT'S DUDLEY MOORE.
324 I SAID I WANTED IT LIKE DEMI MOORE.
325 OH. OH!
326 OH, MY GOD!
327 OH, MY GOD!
328 OH, MY GOD.
329 I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!
330 WHICH ONE IS DEMI MOORE?
331 SHE'S THE ACTRESS THAT WAS IN DISCLOSURE
332 INDECENT PROPOSAL, GHOST.
333 OH. OH, SHE'S GOT GORGEOUS HAIR.
334 I KNOW!!!
335 OH, GOD!
336 HOW LONG DO YOU WANT THE CUFFS?
337 AH, AT LEAST AS LONG AS I HAVE THE PANTS.
338 I JUST GOT THAT.
339 OKAY, NOW WE'LL DO YOUR INSEAM.
340 HOW IS SHE?
341 IT'S TOO SOON TO TELL.
342 SHE'S RESTING, WHICH IS A GOOD SIGN.
343 HOW'S THE HAIR?
344 I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, ROSS.
345 IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
346 I PUT A CLIP ON ONE SIDE
347 WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE STOPPED THE CURLING.
348 WELL, CAN WE SEE HER?
349 YOUR HAIR LOOKS TOO GOOD.
350 IT WOULD UPSET HER.
351 ROSS, WHY DON'T YOU COME ON IN?
352 WELL, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
353 I'M OKAY.
354 OH, THAT BAD, HUH?
355 WHAT?
356 LOOK, RACH, I CAN SENSE
357 WHEN WOMEN ARE DEPRESSED AND VULNERABLE.
358 IT'S ONE OF MY GIFTS.
359 SIT.
360 ( sighing )
361 OH, JOEY, WHEN I SAW HIM
362 GET OFF THAT PLANE WITH HER
363 I REALLY THOUGHT I HAD JUST HIT ROCK BOTTOM
364 BUT TODAY, IT'S LIKE THERE'S ROCK BOTTOM
365 50 FEET OF CRAP, THEN ME.
366 YOU GOT TO TELL ROSS HOW YOU FEEL.
367 HOW CAN I JUST TELL HIM? WHAT ABOUT JULIE?
368 WHAT ABOUT HER? THEY'VE ONLY BEEN GOING OUT FOR TWO WEEKS.
369 ROSS HAS BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU
370 FOR, LIKE, TEN YEARS.
371 I DON'T KNOW.
372 LOOK, RACH, RACH
373 I'VE BEEN WITH MY SHARE OF WOMEN.
374 IN FACT, I'VE BEEN WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE'S SHARE OF WOMEN.
375 BUT THE POINT IS, I'VE NEVER FELT ABOUT ANYONE
376 THE WAY ROSS FELT ABOUT YOU.
377 YO, PAISAN.
378 CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC?
379 YOUR TAILOR IS A VERY BAD MAN.
380 FRANKIE? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
381 HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
382 JOEY'S TAILOR...
383 TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME.
384 WHAT?
385 NO WAY.
386 I'VE BEEN GOING TO THE GUY FOR 12 YEARS.
387 HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO DO MY INSEAM.
388 THEN HE RAN HIS HAND UP MY LEG
389 AND THEN, THERE WAS DEFINITE...
390 WHAT?
391 CUPPING.
392 THAT'S HOW THEY DO PANTS.
393 FIRST THEY GO UP
394 ONE SIDE, THEY MOVE IT OVER
395 THEN THEY GO UP THE OTHER SIDE
396 THEY MOVE IT BACK, AND THEN THEY DO THE REAR.
397 WHAT? ROSS, WILL YOU TELL HIM?
398 ISN'T THAT HOW A TAILOR MEASURES PANTS?
399 YES, YES, IT IS-- IN PRISON!
400 WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
401 WHAT?
402 THAT'S NOT..?
403 OH, MY GOD.
404 EVEN MARY TYLER MOORE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER.
405 WELL, I LIKE IT.
406 YEAH, I DO. I THINK IT'S A TEN.
407 ( cracking up )
408 THANK YOU.
409 MY HAIR IS VERY AMUSED.
410 OH, COME ON, MONICA. THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
411 I MEAN, UH... YOU COULD GET CAUGHT
412 BETWEEN THE MOON AND NEW YORK CITY.
413 I KNOW IT'S CRAZY, BUT IT'S TRUE.
414 ( laughing )
415 THANK YOU.
416 WELL, I GOT TO GO. BYE.
417 SEE YA.
418 BYE, RACH.
419 OH, WAIT.
420 ARE, ARE YOU LEAVING
421 THAT'S KIND OF WHAT I MEANT BY "BYE."
422 WELL, UH, COULD I TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC?
423 OKAY.
424 HEY, WHEN THE DOCTOR DOES THAT HERNIA TEST..?
425 THAT'S OKAY.
426 WHAT'S GOING ON?
427 UM...
428 WELL, UM, OKAY, FIRST OF ALL...
429 PAOLO AND I ARE NOT BACK TOGETHER.
430 THAT WAS JUST A STUPID THING THAT I DID
431 AND IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME
432 AND DO IT AGAIN, WELL, I WOULDN'T.
433 ( clearing throat )
434 UM... SECOND OF ALL...
435 WHAT?
436 OKAY.
437 BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING I JUST NEED TO KNOW
438 IS THIS ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHERE YOU BREAK UP WITH A GUY
439 AND THEN I TELL YOU WHAT I THINK, AND THEN,
440 THE NEXT DAY, YOU GET BACK TOGETHER WITH THE GUY
441 AND I LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT?
442 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
443 OKAY, UM, WELL, THEN, I THINK THE GUY'S SCUM.
444 I HATE HIM.
445 I MEAN, I ACTU...
446 I-I PHYSICALLY HATE HIM.
447 YOU KNOW? I ALWAYS HAVE, AND YOU, YOU ARE...
448 YOU'RE WAY TOO GOOD TO BE WITH A GUY LIKE THAT.
449 REALLY?
450 YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE
451 WHO APPRECIATES YOU, YOU KNOW
452 AND WHO GETS HOW... HOW FUNNY
453 AND SWEET AND AMAZING
454 AND ADORABLE AND...
455 SEXY YOU ARE, YOU KNOW?
456 SOMEONE WHO WAKES UP EVERY MORNING
457 THINKING, "OH, MY GOD. I'M, I-I'M WITH RACHEL!"
458 YOU KNOW? SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD.
459 LIKE THE WAY I DO WITH JULIE.
460 WAS THERE A... A "SECOND OF ALL"?
461 UH... NO. UM,
462 I THINK THAT WAS THE WHOLE ALL.
463 I GOT TO GO.
464 OKAY? OKAY.
465 THANKS.
466 OKAY.
467 BYE.
468 NO, I SWEAR TO GOD, DAD,
469 THAT'S NOT HOW THEY MEASURE PANTS.
470 I SEE IT A LITTLE SHORTER...
471 YOU KNOW, LIKE ANDIE McDOWELL'S NEW HAIRCUT?
472 OH, I COULD DO THAT.
473 REALLY? YEAH.
474 WANT TO DO IT NOW? GREAT.
475 OKAY. OKAY.
476 SEE YOU.
477 BYE.
478 OKAY, I WANT TO MAKE REALLY SURE THIS TIME.
479 ANDIE McDOWELL IS THE GIRL
480 FROM FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL, RIGHT?
481 NO.
482 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
483 THAT'S RODDY McDOWELL.
484 ANDIE McDOWELL IS THE GUY FROM PLANET OF THE APES.
485 OH, YEAH.
486 THANK YOU.
487 YOU'RE WELCOME.
488

S02E02

1 OKAY, THESE WERE UNBELIEVABLY EXPENSIVE
2 AND I KNOW HE'S GOING TO GROW OUT OF THEM IN, LIKE, 20 MINUTES,
3 BUT I COULDN'T RESIST!
4 ( everyone oohing and ahhing )
5 OH, LOOK AT THESE.
6 HEY, BEN, JUST DO IT.
7 ( crying )
8 OH, MY GOD. OHH!
9 OKAY, WAS THAT TOO MUCH PRESSURE FOR HIM?
10 ( crying louder )
11 WOW, IS HE HUNGRY ALREADY?
12 I GUESS SO.
13 YOU KNOW, IT'S...
14 SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT SNEAKERS.
15 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
16 UH... UH... UH... I GOT TO GET ONE TOO.
17 HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
18 WE'RE JUST HANGING OUT BY THE SPOONS
19 AND THE LADLE.
20 LOOK, WILL YOU GUYS GROW UP?
21 THIS IS THE MOST NATURAL, BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WORLD.
22 YEAH, WE KNOW, BUT THERE'S A BABY SUCKING ON IT.
23 THIS IS MY SON HAVING LUNCH, OKAY?
24 IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN A LOT SO YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT.
25 IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEM WITH IT
26 IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE, JUST ASK QUESTIONS.
27 CAROL'S FINE WITH IT. COME ON.
28 CAROL?
29 CAROL?
30 I WAS JUST WONDERING IF JOEY COULD ASK YOU
31 A QUESTION ABOUT BREAST-FEEDING.
32 SURE.
33 UH...
34 DOES IT HURT?
35 OH, IT DID AT FIRST, BUT NOT ANYMORE.
36 OH.
37 CHANDLER?
38 SO, UH... HOW OFTEN CAN YOU DO IT?
39 AS MUCH AS HE NEEDS.
40 OH, OH, OKAY, I GOT ONE. I GOT ONE.
41 UH...
42 IF HE BLOWS INTO ONE, DOES THE OTHER ONE GET BIGGER?
43 GET OUT. GET OUT.
44 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU ♪
45 ♪ LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
46 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
47 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
48 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
49 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
50 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
51 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
52 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO POUR ♪
53 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
54 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
55 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
56 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
57 RACHEL, DO YOU HAVE ANY MUFFINS LEFT?
58 YEAH, I FORGET WHICH ONES.
59 OH, YOU'RE BUSY. THAT'S OKAY. I'LL GET IT.
60 OH, ANYONE ELSE WANT ONE?
61 NO, THANKS. NO, I'M ALL SET.
62 OH, YOU'RE LOSING YOUR APRON HERE.
63 LET ME GET IT.
64 OH.
65 THERE YOU GO. THANK YOU.
66 ( sighs )
67 WHAT A BITCH.
68 LISTEN, YOU GUYS, I HAVE THIS FRIEND AT BLOOMINGDALE'S
69 WHO'S QUITTING TOMORROW AND HE WANTS TO ABUSE HIS DISCOUNT.
70 SO ANYONE WHO WANTS TO COME WITH ME AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT?
71 I CAN'T. I HAVE TO TAKE MY GRANDMOTHER TO THE VET.
72 OKAY.
73 UM, I'LL GO WITH YOU.
74 GREAT.
75 OKAY.
76 HI, HONEY.
77 HEY, SWEETUMS.
78 AND HELLO TO THE REST.
79 ( everyone says hi )
80 MONICA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T GO SHOPPING WITH HER.
81 WHAT ABOUT RACHEL?
82 THIS IS GOING TO BE A PROBLEM, ISN'T IT? OH, COME ON,
83 YOU'RE GOING TO BLOOMINGDALE'S WITH JULIE?
84 IT'S LIKE CHEATING ON RACHEL IN HER HOUSE OF WORSHIP.
85 I JUST WANT TO...
86 MONICA, SHE WILL KILL YOU.
87 SHE WILL KILL YOU LIKE A DOG IN THE STREET.
88 SO, UH, JULES TELLS ME
89 YOU GUYS ARE GOING SHOPPING TOMORROW.
90 OH, YEAH, IT'S ACTUALLY NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
91 WELL, IT'S A BIG DEAL TO ME.
92 THIS IS GREAT, MONICA. I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.
93 YOU'RE WELCOME.
94 WOOF! WOOF!
95 ( panting )
96 ( imitating crash )
97 BIJAN FOR MEN?
98 BIJAN FOR MEN?
99 BIJAN FOR MEN?
100 HEY, ANNABEL. HEY, JOEY.
101 DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW GUY?
102 WHO?
103 NOBODY KNOWS HIS NAME.
104 ME AND THE GIRLS JUST CALL HIM
105 THE "HOMBRE MAN."
106 ( spurs jingling )
107 ( as Clint Eastwood ): HOMBRE?
108 WHAT'S HE DOING IN MY SECTION?
109 I GUESS HE DOESN'T KNOW.
110 WELL, HE'S GOING TO.
111 I'LL SEE YOU A LITTLE LATER, OKAY?
112 HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
113 MORNING.
114 LISTEN, UH, I KNOW YOU'RE NEW
115 BUT, UH, IT'S KIND OF UNDERSTOOD THAT EVERYTHING
116 FROM "YOUNG MEN'S" TO THE ESCALATOR
117 IS, UH, MY TERRITORY.
118 YOUR TERRITORY, HUH?
119 YEAH.
120 BIJAN FOR MEN? NO, THANKS.
121 HOMBRE?
122 YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
123 YOU WERE SAYING?
124 PHOEBE, ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,
125 YOU WERE WITH ME, AND WE WERE SHOPPING ALL DAY. WHAT?
126 WE WERE SHOPPING, AND WE HAD LUNCH.
127 ALL RIGHT. WHAT DID I HAVE?
128 YOU HAD A SALAD.
129 OH, NO WONDER I DON'T FEEL FULL.
130 HI, GUYS. WHAT'S UP?
131 I WENT SHOPPING WITH MONICA ALL DAY
132 AND I HAD A SALAD.
133 GOOD, PHEEBS.
134 WHAT DID YOU BUY?
135 UM, WE WENT SHOPPING FOR, UM...
136 FOR, UM...
137 FOR FUR.
138 YOU WENT SHOPPING FOR FUR?
139 YEAH.
140 AND THEN I REALIZED THAT I'M AGAINST THAT
141 AND, UH...
142 SO THEN WE BOUGHT SOME, UM...
143 UM... BOOBS.
144 ( laughing )
145 YOU BOUGHT BOOBS?
146 BRAS!
147 WE BOUGHT BRAS!
148 WE BOUGHT BRAS.
149 BIJAN FOR MEN?
150 BIJAN FOR MEN?
151 BIJAN FOR M...
152 HEY, ANNABEL
153 LISTEN, I WAS WONDERING IF, AFTER WORK
154 YOU AND I COULD GO OUT AND GRAB A CUP OF COFFEE.
155 ACTUALLY, I SORT OF HAVE PLANS.
156 OH.
157 YOU READY, ANNABEL?
158 YOU BET.
159 MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME.
160 YEAH.
161 HEY, IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME I LOST A GIRL
162 TO A COWBOY SPRAYING COLOGNE.
163 BIJAN FOR MEN?
164 BIJAN FOR MEN?!
165 OKAY, AND THIS IS FUNNY CLOWN.
166 FUNNY CLOWN IS ONLY FOR AFTER HIS NAPS.
167 NOT BEFORE HIS NAPS OR HE WON'T SLEEP.
168 CAROL, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE.
169 WE HAVE A GOOD TIME.
170 WE LAUGH, WE PLAY.
171 IT'S LIKE WE'RE FATHER AND SON.
172 HONEY, RELAX.
173 ROSS IS GREAT WITH HIM.
174 DON'T LOOK SO SURPRISED.
175 I'M A LOVELY PERSON.
176 OH, THIS IS SO CUTE.
177 OH, I GOT THAT FOR HIM.
178 "MY MOMMIES LOVE ME."
179 THAT'S CLEVER.
180 ( phone ringing )
181 HELLO?
182 OH, HI, JULES...
183 HI, JEW!
184 UH-HUH.
185 UH-HUH.
186 OKAY, UM, SURE. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
187 SEE YOU THEN. BYE.
188 DID YOU JUST SAY, "HI, JEW"?
189 YES. UM, YES, I DID.
190 THAT WAS MY FRIEND EDDIE MOSKOWITZ.
191 YEAH, HE LIKES IT.
192 REAFFIRMS HIS FAITH.
193 BEN, DINNER!
194 THANKS, AUNT PHEEBS.
195 HEY, YOU DIDN'T MICROWAVE THAT, DID YOU?
196 BECAUSE IT'S BREAST MILK AND YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.
197 DUH, I THINK I KNOW HOW TO HEAT BREAST MILK.
198 OKAY. (all scream)
199 WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?
200 I LICKED MY ARM. WHAT?
201 IT-IT-IT'S BREAST MILK.
202 SO?
203 PHOEBE, THAT IS JUICE
204 SQUEEZED FROM A PERSON.
205 WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?
206 NO. JOEY--
207 OH, MY--
208 AAH! WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?
209 OKAY, CAN PEOPLE STOP DRINKING THE BREAST MILK?
210 YOU WON'T EVEN TASTE IT?
211 NO.
212 NOT EVEN IF YOU JUST PRETEND THAT IT'S MILK?
213 NOT EVEN IF CAROL'S BREAST
214 HAD A PICTURE OF A MISSING CHILD ON IT.
215 HEY. HEY.
216 WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
217 THEY TOOK BEN TO THE PARK.
218 WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
219 JUST OUT.
220 HAD SOME LUNCH, JUST ME.
221 LITTLE QUALITY TIME WITH ME.
222 HEY, THANKS FOR YOUR JACKET.
223 NO PROBLEM.
224 YOU CAN BORROW IT, BY THE WAY.
225 OH, HERE ARE YOUR KEYS, HON.
226 THANK YOU.
227 MON? MM-HMM?
228 IF, UH, YOU WERE AT LUNCH ALONE, HOW COME IT COST YOU $53?
229 YOU KNOW WHAT PROBABLY HAPPENED?
230 SOMEONE MUST HAVE STOLEN MY CREDIT CARD.
231 OH.
232 AND SORT OF JUST PUT THE RECEIPT BACK IN YOUR POCKET?
233 HUH.
234 THAT IS AN EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT QUESTION.
235 THAT IS EXCELLENT.
236 MONICA, WHAT'S WITH YOU? WHO DID YOU HAVE LUNCH WITH?
237 JUDY. WHO?
238 JULIE. WHAT?
239 JODY.
240 YOU WERE WITH JULIE?
241 OH, LOOK.
242 WHEN IT STARTED I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE TO HER
243 BECAUSE SHE WAS MY BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND.
244 AND THEN, ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND...
245 BEFORE I KNEW IT, WE WERE...
246 SHOPPING.
247 OH!
248 OH, MY GOD.
249 HONEY, WAIT. WE ONLY DID IT ONCE.
250 IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME.
251 YEAH.
252 YEAH, RIGHT. SURE. REALLY.
253 RACHEL, I WAS THINKING OF YOU THE WHOLE TIME.
254 YEAH, RIGHT.
255 LOOK. I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT?
256 I NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO FIND OUT.
257 OH, PLEASE!
258 PLEASE! YOU WANTED TO GET CAUGHT!
259 THAT IS NOT TRUE.
260 YOU JUST HAPPENED TO LEAVE IT IN HERE?
261 DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I MIGHT JUST BE THAT STUPID?
262 OKAY, MONICA, I JUST HAVE TO KNOW ONE THING.
263 ( sighs )
264 DID YOU GO WITH HER TO BLOOMINGDALE'S?
265 OHH!
266 OKAY.
267 OKAY.
268 OKAY, I JUST REALLY, UH...
269 I JUST REALLY NEED TO NOT BE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
270 YEAH, HI. WHO'S THIS? HI, JOANNE.
271 IS RACHEL WORKING? IT'S MONICA.
272 YES, I KNOW I DID A HORRIBLE THING.
273 JOANNE, IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS ALL THAT, OKAY?
274 NO, I DON'T CARE WHAT STEVE THINKS.
275 HI, STEVE.
276 ( knocking )
277 HEY. HEY.
278 HOW DID WE DO?
279 OH, I TASTED BEN'S MILK AND ROSS FREAKED OUT.
280 I DID NOT FREAK OUT.
281 WHY'D YOU FREAK OUT? BECAUSE IT'S BREAST MILK.
282 IT-IT...
283 IT'S GROSS.
284 MY BREAST MILK IS GROSS?
285 THIS SHOULD BE FUN.
286 NO. NO, CAROL. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.
287 I JUST DON'T THINK BREAST MILK IS FOR ADULTS.
288 OF COURSE, THE PACKAGING DOES APPEAL TO GROWNUPS
289 AND KIDS ALIKE.
290 ROSS, YOU'RE BEING SILLY. I'VE TRIED IT.
291 IT'S NO BIG DEAL. COME ON, JUST TASTE IT.
292 ( phony laughing )
293 THAT WOULD BE "NO."
294 COME ON. COME ON, TRY IT.
295 IT'S NATURAL. NO.
296 IT DOESN'T TASTE BAD.
297 YEAH. IT TASTES KIND OF SWEET--
298 SORT OF LIKE, UH...
299 LIKE WHAT?
300 CANTALOUPE JUICE.
301 EXACTLY.
302 YOU'VE TASTED IT.
303 YOU'VE-YOU'VE-YOU'VE TASTED IT?
304 UH-HUH.
305 OH, YOU'VE TASTED IT.
306 YOU CAN KEEP SAYING IT, BUT IT WON'T STOP BEING TRUE.
307 GET ME THE BOTTLE.
308 GET ME THE TOWEL.
309 HOWDY.
310 GET ME A BOX OF JUICE.
311 WELL, THEY SWITCHED ME OVER TO HOMBRE.
312 WELL, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE OF THE WAY
313 YOU'RE DRESSED.
314 OR MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
315 THIS GUY'S DOING SO GOOD
316 THEY WANT TO PUT MORE PEOPLE ON IT.
317 YOU SHOULD SEE THIS GUY, CHANDLER.
318 HE GOES THROUGH, LIKE, TWO BOTTLES A DAY NOW.
319 SO WHAT DO YOU CARE?
320 YOU'RE AN ACTOR. THIS IS YOUR DAY JOB.
321 THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU.
322 I KNOW, BUT I WAS THE BEST, YOU KNOW?
323 I LIKED BEING THE BEST.
324 I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GET OUT OF THE GAME.
325 THEY NEED GUYS UP IN HOUSEWARES TO SERVE CHEESE.
326 ALL RIGHT, SAY YOU DO THAT. SOONER OR LATER,
327 SOMEBODY'S GOING TO COME ALONG THAT SLICES A BETTER CHEDDAR.
328 AND THEN WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO RUN?
329 YEAH,I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M RIGHT.
330 I SAY YOU SHOW THIS GUY WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.
331 I SAY YOU STAND YOUR GROUND.
332 I SAY YOU SHOW HIM THAT YOU ARE
333 THE BADDEST HOMBRE WEST OF THE LINGERIE.
334 I'M GOING TO DO IT.
335 ALL RIGHT.
336 NOW GO SEE MISS KITTY, AND SHE'LL FIX YOU UP WITH A NICE HOOKER.
337 I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.
338 WELL, THAT WORKS OUT GOOD
339 'CAUSE I'M NOT LISTENING.
340 I FEEL TERRIBLE. I REALLY DO.
341 OH, I'M SORRY. DID MY BACK HURT YOUR KNIFE?
342 RACHEL...
343 SAY THAT I'M FRIENDS WITH HER.
344 WE SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER.
345 IS THAT SO TERRIBLE?
346 YES. IT'S THAT TERRIBLE?
347 YES, MONICA. YOU DON'T GET IT.
348 IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT SHE STOLE THE GUY
349 WHO MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE PERSON THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE WITH
350 BUT NOW...
351 SHE'S ACTUALLY...
352 BUT NOW SHE'S ACTUALLY STEALING YOU.
353 ME?
354 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
355 NOBODY COULD STEAL ME FROM YOU.
356 I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE I'M FRIENDS WITH HER
357 DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY LESS FRIENDS WITH YOU.
358 I MEAN...
359 I MEAN, YOU'RE MY...
360 WE'RE...
361 ( both crying )
362 OH, I LOVE YOU.
363 I LOVE YOU TOO.
364 ( crying )
365 YOU GUYS, UM...
366 I KNOW THAT THIS REALLY DOESN'T HAVE
367 ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME
368 BUT, UM... I LOVE YOU GUYS TOO.
369 OH, I REALLY NEEDED THAT.
370 LOOK, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN A PLACE RIGHT NOW
371 WHERE YOU REALLY NEED TO HATE JULIE'S GUTS
372 BUT... SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
373 I MEAN, SHE'S JUST A GIRL WHO MET A GUY
374 AND NOW THEY GO OUT.
375 AND I REALLY THINK THAT IF YOU GAVE HER A CHANCE
376 YOU'D LIKE HER.
377 WILL YOU JUST GIVE THAT A CHANCE?
378 FOR ME?
379 I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. YOU KNOW THAT.
380 I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!
381 I KNOW.
382 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
383 MORNING.
384 I SAID MORNING.
385 I HEARD YOU.
386 ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
387 I'M OPENING THE DOORS.
388 YOU BOYS READY?
389 READY.
390 YEAH, I'M READY.
391 ( yelling )
392 YOU IDIOT!
393 YOU STUPID COWBOY!
394 YOU BLINDED ME! I'M SUING!
395 OH, MY GOD! TODD!
396 WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!
397 I'M SORRY. I'M SUCH A DUFUS.
398 I'M SO SORRY.
399 I'M SO SORRY.
400 MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED?
401 AH, THESE NEW KIDS, THEY NEVER LAST.
402 SOONER OR LATER, THEY ALL...
403 STOP LASTING.
404 LISTEN, UH...
405 WHAT DO YOU SAY I BUY YOU THAT CUP OF COFFEE NOW?
406 SURE.
407 SO...
408 SO...
409 I JUST THOUGHT THE TWO OF US SHOULD HANG OUT FOR A BIT.
410 YOU KNOW, WE'VE NEVER REALLY TALKED.
411 I GUESS YOU'D KNOW THAT, BEING ONE OF THE TWO OF US
412 RIGHT?
413 NO, I KNOW.
414 I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T EVEN TELL YOU THIS
415 BUT I'M PRETTY MUCH
416 TOTALLY INTIMIDATED BY YOU.
417 REALLY? ME?
418 OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU KIDDING?
419 ROSS IS SO CRAZY ABOUT YOU
420 AND I REALLY WANTED YOU TO LIKE ME
421 AND I, UH...
422 IT'S PROBABLY ME JUST BEING TOTALLY PARANOID
423 BUT I KIND OF GOT THE FEELING
424 THAT MAYBE YOU DON'T.
425 WELL...
426 YOU'RE NOT TOTALLY PARANOID.
427 OY.
428 UM...
429 OKAY. UM...
430 OH, GOD.
431 UM...
432 WHEN YOU AND ROSS FIRST STARTED GOING OUT
433 IT WAS REALLY HARD FOR ME, UM...
434 FOR MANY REASONS
435 OF WHICH I'M NOT GOING TO BORE YOU WITH NOW
436 BUT, UM...
437 I JUST... I SEE HOW HAPPY HE IS, YOU KNOW
438 AND HOW GOOD YOU GUYS ARE TOGETHER
439 AND, UM...
440 MONICA'S ALWAYS SAYING HOW NICE YOU ARE
441 AND GOD, I HATE IT WHEN SHE'S RIGHT.
442 THANKS.
443 YEAH.
444 HEY, LISTEN...
445 WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO A MOVIE SOMETIME OR SOMETHING?
446 YEAH. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
447 YEAH? I'D LOVE IT.
448 I'D LOVE IT TOO.
449 OKAY.
450 OH, SHOOT. I GOT TO GO. OKAY.
451 SO I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, OKAY?
452 ALL RIGHT, JULIE.
453 BYE. BYE.
454 WHAT A MANIPULATIVE BITCH.
455 ( sighs )
456 NOT BAD.
457

S02E03

1 HEY.
2 HEY.
3 SO HOW WAS JOAN?
4 BROKE UP WITH HER.
5 OH... WHY?
6 DON'T TELL ME.
7 BECAUSE OF THE BIG-NOSTRIL THING?
8 THEY WERE HUGE.
9 WHEN SHE SNEEZED, BATS FLEW OUT OF THEM.
10 OH, COME ON.
11 THEY WERE NOT THAT HUGE.
12 I'M TELLING YOU.
13 SHE LEANED BACK.
14 I COULD SEE HER BRAIN.
15 HOW MANY PERFECTLY FINE WOMEN
16 ARE YOU GOING TO REJECT
17 OVER THE MOST SUPERFICIAL, INSIGNIFICANT THINGS?
18 HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
19 I GOT TO SIDE WITH CHANDLER ON THIS ONE.
20 WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO THE CITY
21 I WENT OUT A COUPLE TIMES WITH THIS GIRL--
22 REALLY HOT, GREAT KISSER
23 BUT SHE HAD THE BIGGEST ADAM'S APPLE.
24 EWW!
25 DROVE ME NUTS.
26 YOU OR ME.
27 I GOT IT.
28 UH, JOEY, WOMEN DON'T HAVE ADAM'S APPLES.
29 ( laughing )
30 YOU GUYS ARE MESSING WITH ME, RIGHT?
31 YEAH.
32 YEAH. WE ARE.
33 THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
34 FOR A SECOND THERE, I WAS LIKE, WHOA.
35 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
36 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE ♪
37 ♪ YOU'RE BROKE, YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
38 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
39 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY, YOUR WEEK ♪
40 ♪ YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
41 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
42 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
43 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
44 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
45 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
46 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
47 SO, YOU NAME ONE WOMAN
48 THAT YOU BROKE UP WITH FOR AN ACTUAL REAL REASON.
49 MAUREEN ROSILLO.
50 'CAUSE SHE DOESN'T HATE YANNI IS NOT A REAL REASON.
51 ( knocking )
52 OH...
53 HELLO, MR. HECKLES.
54 YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
55 WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING.
56 YOU'RE STOMPING.
57 IT'S DISTURBING MY BIRDS.
58 YOU DON'T HAVE BIRDS.
59 I COULD HAVE BIRDS.
60 OKAY, MR. HECKLES, WE'LL TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN.
61 THANK YOU.
62 I'M GOING TO REJOIN MY DINNER PARTY.
63 ALL RIGHT. BYE-BYE.
64 Chandler: OKAY, JANICE.
65 JANICE. YOU GOT TO GIVE ME JANICE.
66 THAT WASN'T ABOUT BEING PICKY.
67 WE'LL GIVE YOU JANICE.
68 I MISS JANICE, THOUGH.
69 ( nasal voice ): HELLO, CHANDLER BING.
70 OH... MY... GOD.
71 ( nasal voice ): OH, CHANDLER...
72 NOW... NOW...
73 THAT'S IT.
74 THERE. FASTER.
75 ( laughing )
76 ( knocking )
77 STOP WITH THE BROOM!
78 WE'RE NOT MAKING NOISE!
79 ( knocking )
80 ( knocking )
81 WE WON.
82 WE DID?
83 ( cheering )
84 ( all groaning )
85 MR. HECKLES...
86 HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
87 HE MUST HAVE BEEN SWEEPING.
88 THEY FOUND A BROOM IN HIS HAND.
89 THAT'S TERRIBLE.
90 I KNOW.
91 I WAS SWEEPING YESTERDAY.
92 IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME.
93 Ross: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
94 Joey: SURE, SURE.
95 SWEEPING-- YOU NEVER KNOW.
96 NEVER KNOW.
97 IT'S VERY FAINT
98 BUT I CAN STILL SENSE HIM IN THE BUILDING.
99 GO INTO THE LIGHT, MR. HECKLES!
100 OKAY, PHOEBE.
101 I'M SORRY, BUT SOMETIMES THEY NEED HELP.
102 HERE WE GO.
103 THAT'S FINE. GO AHEAD AND SCOFF.
104 YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS OUT THERE
105 THAT I DON'T BELIEVE IN
106 BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT TRUE.
107 SUCH AS?
108 LIKE CROP CIRCLES OR THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE
109 OR EVOLUTION.
110 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
111 WHAT, YOU DON'T, UH... YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION?
112 NO. NOT REALLY.
113 YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION?
114 I DON'T KNOW.
115 IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW-- MONKEYS, DARWIN--
116 YOU KNOW, IT'S A NICE STORY.
117 I JUST THINK IT'S A LITTLE TOO EASY.
118 TOO EASY? TOO..?
119 THE PROCESS OF EVERY LIVING THING ON THIS PLANET
120 EVOLVING OVER MILLIONS OF YEARS
121 FROM SINGLE-CELLED ORGANISMS IS, IS TOO EASY?
122 YEAH. I JUST DON'T BUY IT.
123 UH, EXCUSE ME.
124 EVOLUTION IS NOT FOR YOU TO BUY, PHOEBE.
125 EVOLUTION IS SCIENTIFIC FACT
126 LIKE, LIKE, LIKE THE AIR WE BREATHE, LIKE GRAVITY.
127 OH. OKAY, DON'T GET ME STARTED ON GRAVITY.
128 YOU, UH..? YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN GRAVITY?
129 WELL, IT'S NOT SO MUCH
130 THAT, YOU KNOW, LIKE I DON'T BELIEVE IN IT.
131 YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST...
132 I DON'T KNOW, LATELY I GET THE FEELING
133 THAT I'M NOT SO MUCH BEING PULLED DOWN
134 AS I AM BEING PUSHED.
135 ( knocking )
136 UH-OH. IT'S ISAAC NEWTON AND HE'S PISSED.
137 OH, THERE SHE IS, RIGHT OVER THERE.
138 THAT'S THE OTHER ONE.
139 THIS IS MR. BUDDY BOYLE--
140 HECKLES' ATTORNEY.
141 HE'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.
142 WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?
143 ALL RIGHT, KIDS.
144 HERE'S THE DEAL--
145 ACCORDING TO MY CLIENT'S WILL
146 HE WANTS TO LEAVE ALL HIS EARTHLY POSSESSIONS
147 TO THE, UH, "NOISY GIRLS IN THE APARTMENT ABOVE MINE."
148 WHAT?
149 WELL, WHAT ABOUT HIS FAMILY?
150 HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY.
151 Joey: WHOA.
152 OH... OKAY, SO LET'S TALK MONEY.
153 ALL RIGHT.
154 THERE WAS NONE.
155 NOW, LET'S TALK SIGNING.
156 YOU BE NOISY GIRL NUMBER ONE.
157 YOU BE NOISY GIRL NUMBER TWO.
158 I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THIS WHOLE TIME WE THOUGHT HE HATED US.
159 I MEAN, ISN'T IT AMAZING
160 HOW MUCH YOU CAN TOUCH SOMEONE'S LIFE
161 WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT?
162 WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS DUMP?
163 HE HATED US.
164 THIS WAS HIS FINAL REVENGE.
165 GOD, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SO MUCH CRAP?
166 ACTUALLY, I THINK THIS APARTMENT SULLIES THE GOOD NAME OF CRAP.
167 CHECK THIS OUT.
168 CAN I HAVE THIS?
169 HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION?
170 I DON'T KNOW. JUST DON'T.
171 LOOK AT THIS FUNKY SHIRT.
172 LOOK, PHEEBS, I'VE STUDIED EVOLUTION
173 MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE, OKAY, AND I CAN TELL YOU
174 WE HAVE COLLECTED FOSSILS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD
175 THAT ACTUALLY SHOW
176 THE EVOLUTION OF DIFFERENT SPECIES, OKAY?
177 I MEAN, YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE THEM EVOLVING THROUGH TIME.
178 REALLY?
179 YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE IT?
180 YOU BET.
181 IN... UH, IN THE U.S., CHINA, AFRICA, ALL OVER.
182 SEE, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
183 WELL, THERE YOU GO.
184 HUH.
185 SO NOW, THE REAL QUESTION IS
186 WHO PUT THOSE FOSSILS THERE, AND WHY?
187 HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
188 "MY BIG BOOK OF GRIEVANCES."
189 HEY, THERE'S ME.
190 "APRIL 17-- EXCESSIVE NOISE.
191 ITALIAN GUY COMES HOME WITH A DATE."
192 YEAH. HEY, CHANDLER, LOOK, YOU'RE IN HERE TOO.
193 "APRIL 18-- EXCESSIVE NOISE.
194 ITALIAN GUY'S GAY ROOMMATE BRINGS HOME DRY CLEANING."
195 WELL, THAT'S EXCELLENT.
196 MONICA... MONICA, LOOK AT THIS LAMP.
197 IS THIS TACKY OR WHAT?
198 WE HAVE TO HAVE THIS.
199 UH, RACH, I THINK WE HAVE ENOUGH REGULAR LAMPS.
200 WHAT? OH, COME ON.
201 IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ASKING
202 FOR THIS GIRLIE CLOCK OR ANYTHING, WHICH, BY THE WAY
203 I ALSO THINK IS REALLY COOL.
204 LOOK, IT DOESN'T GO WITH ANY OF MY STUFF.
205 WELL, WHAT ABOUT MY STUFF?
206 YOU DON'T HAVE ANY STUFF.
207 YOU STILL THINK OF IT AS YOUR APARTMENT, DON'T YOU?
208 MM... NO.
209 YES, YOU DO.
210 YOU THINK OF IT AS YOUR APARTMENT
211 AND I'M JUST SOMEONE WHO RENTS A ROOM.
212 MM...
213 OKAY, WHILE YOU
214 "MM..." ON THAT FOR A WHILE
215 I'M GOING TO GO FIND A PLACE
216 FOR MY NEW LAMP.
217 MM... MM, MM, MM!
218 OKAY, PHEEBS
219 SEE HOW I'M MAKING THESE LITTLE TOYS MOVE?
220 OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
221 WITHOUT EVOLUTION, HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN
222 OPPOSABLE THUMBS?
223 MAYBE THE OVERLORDS NEEDED THEM
224 TO STEER THEIR SPACECRAFTS.
225 PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING.
226 LOOK, CAN'T WE JUST SAY
227 THAT YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING AND I DON'T?
228 NO, NO.
229 NO, PHEEBS, WE CAN'T.
230 WHY NOT?
231 WHAT IS THIS OBSESSIVE NEED YOU HAVE
232 TO MAKE EVERYBODY
233 AGREE WITH YOU?
234 NO, WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?
235 YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
236 I THINK MAYBE IT'S TIME
237 YOU PUT ROSS UNDER THE MICROSCOPE.
238 IS THERE BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY EARS?
239 CHECK IT OUT. CHECK IT OUT.
240 HECKLES' HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK.
241 LOOK.
242 WOW, HE LOOKS SO NORMAL.
243 HE'S EVEN KIND OF CUTE.
244 "HECKLES, YOU CRACK ME UP IN SCIENCE CLASS.
245 YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST KID IN SCHOOL."
246 FUNNIEST? HECKLES?
247 THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.
248 WOW, HECKLES WAS VOTED CLASS CLOWN, AND SO WAS I.
249 ( thumping )
250 HE WAS RIGHT.
251 WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THAT?
252 I'D CALL THAT EXCESSIVE.
253 WHOA.
254 WHAT?
255 HECKLES PLAYED CLARINET IN BAND, AND I PLAYED CLARINET.
256 AND HE WAS IN
257 THE SCALE MODELERS CLUB
258 AND I WAS... WELL, THERE WAS NO CLUB
259 BUT I SURE THOUGHT THEY WERE COOL.
260 SO, YOU WERE BOTH DORKS.
261 BIG DEAL.
262 I JUST THINK IT'S WEIRD-- HECKLES AND ME...
263 ( thumping )
264 HECKLES AND ME, ME...
265 ( thumping )
266 ME AND HECKLES...
267 HEY, WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF!
268 ( yells )
269 HAVE YOU BEEN HERE ALL NIGHT?
270 LOOK AT THIS.
271 PICTURES OF ALL THE WOMEN
272 THAT HECKLES WENT OUT WITH.
273 LOOK WHAT HE WROTE ON THEM.
274 "VIVIAN, TOO TALL."
275 "MADGE, BIG GUMS."
276 "TOO LOUD."
277 "TOO SMART."
278 "MAKES NOISE WHEN SHE EATS."
279 THIS IS... THIS IS ME.
280 THIS IS WHAT I DO.
281 I'M GOING TO END UP ALONE JUST LIKE HE DID.
282 CHANDLER, HECKLES WAS A NUT CASE.
283 OUR TRAINS ARE ON THE SAME TRACK, OKAY?
284 YEAH, SURE, I'M COMING UP 30 YEARS BEHIND HIM
285 BUT THE STOPS ARE ALL THE SAME:
286 BITTERTOWN, ALONEVILLE, HERMIT JUNCTION.
287 YOU KNOW WHAT WE GOT TO DO?
288 WE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.
289 I'LL BUY YOU BREAKFAST. LET'S GO.
290 WHAT IF I NEVER FIND SOMEBODY?
291 OR WORSE, I ALREADY FOUND HER
292 BUT I DUMPED HER BECAUSE SHE PRONOUNCES IT "SUPPOSEBLY"?
293 CHANDLER, COME ON.
294 YOU'RE GOING TO FIND SOMEBODY.
295 HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
296 I DON'T KNOW.
297 I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT.
298 YOU GUYS ARE ALL GOING TO GO OFF AND GET MARRIED
299 AND I'M GOING TO END UP ALONE.
300 WILL YOU PROMISE ME SOMETHING?
301 WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, INVITE ME OVER FOR HOLIDAYS.
302 WELL, I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING.
303 I MEAN, WHAT IF WE'RE OVER AT HER FOLKS' PLACE?
304 YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.
305 YOU CAN COME OVER AND WATCH THE SUPER BOWL.
306 EVERY YEAR. ALL RIGHT?
307 YOU KNOW WHAT?
308 I'M NOT GOING TO END UP LIKE THIS.
309 I'LL SEE YOU, MAN.
310 GEEZ.
311 SUPPOSEBLY...
312 SUPPOSEBLY.
313 "DID THEY GO TO THE ZOO?"
314 "SUPPOSEBLY."
315 HI. IT'S ME.
316 OH... MY... GOD.
317 JANICE? YOU CALLED JANICE?
318 YES, JANICE. WHY IS THAT
319 SO DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO COMPREHEND?
320 YOU REMEMBER JANICE, RIGHT?
321 YES.
322 SHE WAS SMART, SHE WAS PRETTY AND SHE HONESTLY CARED ABOUT ME.
323 JANICE IS MY LAST CHANCE TO HAVE SOMEBODY.
324 HELLO!
325 OH... MY... GOD.
326 GEEZ, LOOK HOW FAT SHE GOT.
327 HEY, IT'S EVERYBODY.
328 All: HI, JANICE.
329 JANICE, YOU'RE...
330 YES, I AM.
331 IS IT..?
332 IS IT YOURS?
333 HAH! YOU WISH, CHANDLER BING.
334 YOU ARE LOOKING AT A MARRIED LADY NOW.
335 ( with polite indifference ): OH. YEAH.
336 CONGRATULATIONS.
337 OH, SWEETIE. I'M SORRY.
338 YOU COULDN'T HAVE TOLD ME OVER THE PHONE?
339 AND WHAT?
340 MISS THE EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE? OH, NO.
341 JANICE LIKES TO HAVE HER FUN.
342 ( braying laugh )
343 HEY, RACH, YOU KNOW WHAT WE HAVEN'T PLAYED IN A WHILE?
344 WHAT?
345 HIDE THE LAMP.
346 OKAY. MONICA, LET IT GO.
347 DID YOU KNOW I WAS ALLERGIC TO SHELLFISH?
348 WELL, THEN, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO EAT
349 THE OTHER LAMPS.
350 UH-OH. IT'S SCARY SCIENTIST MAN.
351 OKAY, PHOEBE, THIS IS IT.
352 IN THIS BRIEFCASE
353 I CARRY ACTUAL SCIENTIFIC FACTS...
354 A BRIEFCASE OF FACTS, IF YOU WILL.
355 SOME OF THESE FOSSILS ARE OVER 200 MILLION YEARS OLD.
356 LOOK, BEFORE YOU EVEN START, I'M NOT DENYING EVOLUTION.
357 I'M JUST SAYING THAT IT'S ONE OF THE POSSIBILITIES.
358 IT'S THE ONLY POSSIBILITY, PHOEBE.
359 ROSS, COULD YOU JUST OPEN YOUR MIND LIKE, THIS MUCH?
360 NOW, WASN'T THERE A TIME
361 WHEN THE BRIGHTEST MINDS IN THE WORLD
362 BELIEVED THAT THE EARTH WAS FLAT?
363 AND UP UNTIL, LIKE 50 YEARS AGO
364 YOU ALL THOUGHT THE ATOM WAS THE SMALLEST THING
365 UNTIL YOU SPLIT IT OPEN
366 AND THIS LIKE, WHOLE MESS OF CRAP CAME OUT.
367 NOW, ARE YOU TELLING ME
368 THAT YOU ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY ARROGANT
369 THAT YOU CAN'T ADMIT
370 THAT THERE'S A TEENY, TINY POSSIBILITY
371 THAT YOU COULD BE WRONG ABOUT THIS?
372 THERE MIGHT BE...
373 A TEENY...
374 TINY...
375 POSSIBILITY.
376 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAVED.
377 WHAT?
378 YOU JUST ABANDONED YOUR WHOLE BELIEF SYSTEM.
379 BEFORE I DIDN'T AGREE WITH YOU, BUT AT LEAST I RESPECTED YOU.
380 BUT...
381 HOW WILL YOU GO INTO WORK TOMORROW?
382 HOW..?
383 HOW WILL YOU FACE THE OTHER SCIENCE GUYS?
384 HOW WILL YOU FACE YOURSELF?
385 OH!
386 THAT WAS FUN.
387 SO WHO'S HUNGRY?
388 I AM.
389 ME TOO. LET ME JUST GET MY COAT.
390 OH!
391 OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
392 IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I SWEAR. ALL RIGHT?
393 I WAS PUTTING ON MY JACKET AND THE THING...
394 AND THE LAMP AND IT BROKE.
395 OH, PLEASE, MONICA.
396 YOU'VE ALWAYS HATED MY LAMP.
397 AND NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN
398 IT'S JUST, MAGICALLY, IT'S JUST BROKEN?
399 PHOEBE, TELL HER.
400 I DIDN'T SEE IT 'CAUSE I WAS PUTTING ON MY JACKET
401 BUT, UM, I WANT TO BELIEVE YOU.
402 HEY, CHANDLER.
403 MONICA JUST BROKE MY SEASHELL LAMP.
404 NEAT. I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE.
405 OKAY, YOU WIN.
406 CHANDLER, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE ALONE.
407 JANICE WAS MY SAFETY NET, OKAY?
408 AND NOW I HAVE TO GET A SNAKE.
409 UH-HUH. WHY IS THAT?
410 IF I'M GOING TO BE AN OLD, LONELY MAN, I'M GOING TO NEED
411 A THING, YOU KNOW? A HOOK.
412 LIKE THAT GUY IN THE SUBWAY WHO EATS HIS OWN FACE.
413 SO I FIGURE
414 I'LL BE CRAZY MAN WITH A SNAKE, YOU KNOW?
415 CRAZY SNAKE MAN.
416 THEN I'LL GET MORE SNAKES, CALL THEM MY BABIES.
417 KIDS WON'T WALK PAST MY PLACE, THEY WILL RUN.
418 "RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE MAN!"
419 THEY'LL SHOUT.
420 YOU'VE GOT TO GET OVER THIS, OKAY?
421 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO END UP ALONE.
422 OF COURSE I AM.
423 I REJECT ANYONE WHO'S CRAZY ENOUGH
424 TO ACTUALLY GO OUT WITH ME
425 AND THEN I BITCH ABOUT THE FACT
426 THAT THERE AREN'T ANY GREAT WOMEN OUT THERE.
427 CHANDLER, YOU HAVE JUST DESCRIBED
428 VIRTUALLY EVERY MAN THAT WE HAVE EVER GONE OUT WITH.
429 YEAH.
430 YOU ARE NOT A FREAK.
431 YOU'RE A GUY.
432 Rachel: SHE'S RIGHT, SHE'S RIGHT.
433 YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN THE REST OF THEM.
434 WAIT A MINUTE. YES, HE IS.
435 YEAH. YOU ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
436 IN A BAD WAY?
437 NO, HONEY, IN A WONDERFUL WAY.
438 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT NOW.
439 MOST GUYS DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
440 YOU ARE READY TO TAKE RISKS, TO BE VULNERABLE
441 AND INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE.
442 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO END UP ALONE.
443 CHANDLER, YOU CALLED JANICE.
444 THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU WANTED TO BE
445 WITH SOMEONE.
446 YOU'VE MADE IT.
447 YOU'RE THERE.
448 YOU ARE READY TO MAKE A COMMITMENT.
449 WHOA! DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
450 OH, WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
451 SOMETHING ELSE THAT'S NOT YOURS THAT YOU CAN BREAK?
452 NO. UM...
453 I KNOW YOU LIKE THIS, AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT.
454 I THINK IT WOULD LOOK GOOD IN OUR APARTMENT.
455 THANK YOU.
456 ( whistled catcalls )
457 THAT'S FINE.
458 HEY! WELL, YOU WILL ALL BE PLEASED TO KNOW
459 THAT I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW NIGHT.
460 THIS WOMAN ALISON FROM WORK--
461 SHE IS GREAT.
462 SHE'S PRETTY, SHE'S SMART, AND UH...
463 I'VE BEEN HOLDING OFF ASKING HER OUT IN THE PAST
464 BECAUSE SHE HAS A, UH...
465 UNUSUALLY LARGE HEAD
466 BUT I'M NOT GOING
467 TO LET THAT STUFF HANG ME UP ANYMORE.
468 LOOK AT ME. I'M GROWING.
469 HEY, YOU CAN'T RECYCLE YEARBOOKS, CAN YOU?
470 I'LL TAKE THAT.
471 YOU WANT HIS YEARBOOK?
472 YEAH, YEAH.
473 SOME PEOPLE SAID SOME NICE THINGS ABOUT HIM.
474 SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE IT.
475 GOSH, THIS IS SO WEIRD.
476 I MEAN, HIS WHOLE LIFE WAS IN THIS APARTMENT
477 AND NOW IT'S GONE.
478 YOU KNOW, I THINK
479 IT WOULD BE NICE IF WE JUST TOOK A FEW MOMENTS
480 FOR MR. HECKLES.
481 I MEAN, HE WAS KIND OF A PAIN, HE WAS
482 BUT HE WAS A PERSON.
483 Monica: WHAT?
484 YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HELL.
485 OH, IT'S REALLY NOT THAT BIG.
486 TAKING THAT WITH YOU, HUH?
487 OH, YEAH.
488 HEY, YOU COMING?
489 YEAH. IN A SECOND.
490 GOOD-BYE, MR. HECKLES.
491 WE'LL TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN.
492 MY MAJOR WAS USELESS.
493 HOW OFTEN DO THE CLASSIFIEDS LIST "PHILOSOPHER WANTED"?
494 MY GOD, THAT'S A BIG HEAD.
495 IT DIDN'T LOOK THIS BIG IN THE OFFICE.
496 MAYBE IT'S THE LIGHTING.
497 MY HEAD MUST LOOK LIKE A GOLF BALL AT WORK.
498 ALL RIGHT. DON'T GET HUNG UP ON IT.
499 QUICK, QUICK.
500 LIST FIVE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT HER.
501 NICE SMILE, GOOD DRESSER
502 BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD.
503 [Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]
504

S02E04

1 MOM, WOULD YOU RELAX?
2 THAT WAS TEN BLOCKS FROM HERE
3 AND THE WOMAN WAS WALKING ALONE AT NIGHT.
4 I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
5 MOM, COME ON, STOP WORRYING.
6 THIS IS A SAFE STREET.
7 THIS IS A SAFE BUILDING.
8 THERE'S NOTHING... OH, MY GOD!
9 MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!
10 MOM, I GOT TO GO, I GOT TO GO!
11 ( yelps )
12 OH, MY GOD.
13 OKAY.
14 THAT'S FINE.
15 YOU JUST READ THE PAPER.
16 I'M GOING TO GET A POT.
17 IT'S NOT FOR YOU.
18 OKAY, THAT'S FINE.
19 READ "THE FAMILY CIRCUS."
20 ENJOY THE GENTLE COMEDY.
21 ( squealing )
22 OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
23 OH, MY GOD.
24 OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
25 OH, MY GOD.
26 ( squealing )
27 OH, MY GOD... OH, GOD... OH... OH...
28 ( doorbell ringing )
29 IT'S OPEN, YOU GUYS.
30 HI.
31 HI. HEY, CAN I HELP YOU?
32 DOES PHOEBE STILL LIVE HERE?
33 UH, NO, BUT I CAN GET A MESSAGE TO HER.
34 GREAT. JUST TELL HER HER HUSBAND STOPPED BY.
35 HER WHAT?
36 HEY, HOW..? HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
37 UH...
38 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
39 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
40 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
41 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
42 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY, YOUR WEEK ♪
43 ♪ YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
44 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
45 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
46 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
47 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
48 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
49 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
50 THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, PHOEBS.
51 HOW CAN YOU BE MARRIED?
52 WELL, I'M NOT MARRIED MARRIED.
53 HE WAS JUST A FRIEND, AND HE'S GAY
54 AND HE WAS FROM CANADA, AND HE JUST NEEDED A GREEN CARD.
55 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MARRIED DUNCAN.
56 HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?
57 WE LIVED TOGETHER.
58 WE TOLD EACH OTHER EVERYTHING.
59 I'M SORRY, MONICA, BUT I KNEW IF I TOLD YOU
60 YOU'D GET REALLY JUDGMENTAL AND YOU WOULD NOT APPROVE.
61 OF COURSE, I WOULDN'T APPROVE.
62 I MEAN, YOU WERE TOTALLY IN LOVE
63 WITH THIS GUY WHO-- HELLO-- WAS GAY.
64 WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?
65 SEE, AND YOU THOUGHT SHE'D BE JUDGMENTAL.
66 OKAY, I WASN'T "IN LOVE"
67 WITH HIM, AND I WAS JUST HELPING OUT A FRIEND.
68 PLEASE.
69 WHEN HE LEFT TOWN, YOU STAYED IN YOUR PAJAMAS FOR A MONTH
70 AND I SAW YOU EAT A CHEESEBURGER.
71 ( gasping ) ( gasping )
72 WELL, DIDN'T YOU?
73 I MIGHT HAVE.
74 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
75 COME ON. LIKE YOU TELL ME EVERYTHING?
76 WHAT HAVE I NOT TOLD YOU?
77 OH, I DON'T KNOW.
78 UM, HOW ABOUT THE FACT
79 THAT THE UNDERWEAR OUT ON THE TELEPHONE POLE IS YOURS
80 FROM WHEN YOU WERE HAVING SEX WITH FUN BOBBY
81 OUT ON THE TERRACE.
82 WHAT?!
83 WAIT A MINUTE... WHO TOLD YOU?
84 YOU ARE DEAD MEAT.
85 I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A BIG SECRET.
86 OH, IT'S NOT BIG, NOT AT ALL.
87 YOU KNOW, KIND OF ON THE SAME LINES AS, SAY
88 I DON'T KNOW, HAVING A THIRD NIPPLE!
89 ( gasping )
90 YOU HAVE A THIRD NIPPLE?
91 YOU BITCH.
92 WHIP IT OUT. WHIP IT OUT.
93 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
94 COME ON.
95 THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE.
96 IT'S TOTALLY USELESS.
97 OH, AS OPPOSED TO YOUR OTHER
98 MULTIFUNCTIONAL NIPPLES.
99 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.
100 YOU TOLD ME IT WAS A NUBBIN.
101 JOEY, WHAT DID YOU THINK A NUBBIN WAS?
102 I DON'T KNOW.
103 YOU SEE SOMETHING.
104 YOU HEAR A WORD.
105 I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.
106 LET ME SEE IT AGAIN.
107 YEAH, SHOW IT TO US.
108 ( clamoring )
109 JOEY WAS IN A PORNO MOVIE.
110 ( gasping )
111 IF I'M GOING DOWN, I'M TAKING EVERYBODY WITH ME.
112 OH, MY GOD!
113 A PORNO MOVIE?
114 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
115 I WAS YOUNG, AND I JUST WANTED A JOB, OKAY?
116 BUT I COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT
117 SO THEY LET ME BE THE GUY WHO COMES IN TO FIX THE COPIER
118 BUT CAN'T, BECAUSE THERE'S PEOPLE HAVING SEX ON IT.
119 THAT IS WILD!
120 ( chuckling )
121 WHAT'S IT SHAPED LIKE?
122 IS THERE A HAIR ON IT?
123 WHAT HAPPENS
124 IF YOU FLICK IT?
125 SO, UH, DOES IT DO ANYTHING, YOU KNOW, SPECIAL?
126 WELL, YES, ROSS.
127 PRESSING MY THIRD NIPPLE OPENS THE DELIVERY ENTRANCE
128 TO THE MAGICAL LAND OF NARNIA.
129 YOU KNOW, IN SOME CULTURES HAVING A THIRD NIPPLE
130 IS A SIGN OF VIRILITY.
131 YOU GET THE BEST HUTS
132 AND WOMEN DANCE NAKED AROUND YOU.
133 ARE ANY OF THESE CULTURES PERCHANCE IN THE TRI-STATE AREA?
134 YOU KNOW, YOU ARE SO AMAZING.
135 IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DON'T KNOW?
136 ( nasally ): OOH, JULIE'S SO SMART.
137 JULIE'S SO SPECIAL.
138 LOOK, I WANTED YOU TO HOOK UP WITH ROSS
139 AS MUCH AS YOU DID, BUT HE'S WITH HER NOW.
140 YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO GET OVER IT.
141 OH, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET OVER IT.
142 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT'S WHAT I HAD TO DO.
143 I JUST HAVE TO GET OVER IT.
144 FOXY LADY!
145 WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
146 I'M GOING TO GO MEET DUNCAN.
147 HE'S SKATING TONIGHT AT THE GARDEN.
148 HE'S IN THE CAPADES.
149 THE ICE CAPADES?
150 NO, NO. THE GRAVEL CAPADES.
151 THE TURNS AREN'T AS FAST, BUT WHEN SNOOPY FALLS-- FUNNY.
152 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DRESSING UP FOR HIM.
153 YOU'RE SETTING YOURSELF UP ALL OVER AGAIN.
154 OKAY, NO.
155 FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M GOING TO SEE HIM
156 SO I CAN PUT ALL THOSE FEELINGS BEHIND ME.
157 AND THE REASON
158 I'M DRESSED LIKE THIS
159 IS BECAUSE I THINK IT'S NICE TO LOOK NICE
160 FOR YOUR GAY HUSBAND.
161 OH, DARN IT, WE'RE ALL OUT OF MILK.
162 HEY, CHANDLER
163 WOULD YOU FILL ME UP HERE?
164 OH, I SEE... I SEE... BECAUSE OF THE THIRD NIPPLE THING.
165 ( mock laughter )
166 SWEETIE, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
167 BYE.
168 BYE.
169 SEE YOU LATER, RACH.
170 ( nasally ): BYE-BYE, JULIE.
171 HEY!
172 HEY.
173 HEY, COME ON, CUT IT OUT.
174 HEY...
175 WHAT?
176 CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
177 SURE.
178 ( groans )
179 WHAT?
180 ( groans )
181 COME ON, TALK TO ME.
182 OKAY.
183 WHAT'S THE LONGEST
184 YOU'VE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE...
185 HA-HAVING..?
186 HAVING HAD SEX?
187 WHY? WHO'S NOT HAVING..?
188 ARE YOU AND JULIE NOT.... OR ARE AND..
189 ARE YOU AND JULIE NOT HAVING SEX?
190 WELL... TECHNICALLY?
191 NO.
192 WOW.
193 IS IT BECAUSE SHE'S SO COLD IN BED?
194 OR IS BECAUSE SHE'S
195 LIKE KIND OF BOSSY, MAKES IT FEEL LIKE SCHOOL?
196 NO... NO, SHE'S GREAT
197 AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAVEN'T DONE... ANYTHING.
198 I MEAN, UH, WE... WE DO PLENTY OF OTHER STUFF...
199 LOTS OF OTHER STUFF, LIKE...
200 NO, NO, NO, NO.
201 DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE DETAILS.
202 THAT'S OKAY.
203 IT'S JUST... IT'S... IT'S ME.
204 YOU KNOW, I'VE ONLY BEEN WITH ONE WOMAN
205 MY WHOLE LIFE, AND SHE TURNED OUT TO BE A LESBIAN.
206 UH-HUH.
207 SO NOW, I'VE GOT MYSELF ALL PSYCHED-OUT, YOU KNOW
208 AND IT'S BECOME LIKE THIS... THIS THING, AND I...
209 YOU MUST JUST THINK I'M WEIRD.
210 NO. NO, NO, NO, I DON'T THINK IT'S WEIRD.
211 I THINK... I THINK, UM, IN FACT...
212 IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
213 WHAT?
214 I THINK IT'S SEXY.
215 SEXY?
216 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
217 AS A WOMAN...
218 MM-HMM?
219 ...THERE IS NOTHING SEXIER THAN A MAN
220 WHO DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX.
221 NO KIDDING?
222 OH, YEAH. IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'D DO?
223 WHAT?
224 I'D WAIT.
225 YOU'D WAIT?
226 YES, ABSOLUTELY.
227 I WOULD WAIT, AND WAIT.
228 THEN I'D WAIT
229 SOME MORE.
230 REALLY?
231 OH, YEAH.
232 I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH SHE TELLS YOU SHE WANTS IT.
233 I DON'T CARE IF SHE BEGS, SHE PLEADS, SHE TELLS YOU
234 SHE'S GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH... WITH ANOTHER MAN.
235 THAT JUST MEANS IT'S WORKING.
236 WOMEN REALLY WANT THIS?
237 MM-HMM, MORE THAN JEWELRY.
238 HI.
239 PHOEBE...
240 ♪ TA-DAH! ♪
241 HEY.
242 HI.
243 AH, LOOK AT YOU.
244 YOU LOOK GREAT.
245 DO I?
246 YEAH.
247 THANK YOU. SO DO YOU.
248 THANKS.
249 SPARKLY.
250 YEAH.
251 SO... WOW.
252 THIS IS... THIS IS PRETTY WONDERFUL, HUH?
253 MR. MAJOR CAPADES GUY.
254 GOD, I... I REMEMBER
255 WHERE YOU WERE JUST LIKE KING FRIDAY
256 IN MR. ROGER'S ICE IS NICE.
257 YEAH, YOU ALWAYS SAID I'D MAKE IT.
258 YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M KIND OF SPOOKY THAT WAY.
259 GOD, I MISSED YOU.
260 I'M GOING TO GET CHANGED.
261 OKAY.
262 UM... NOW.
263 WHAT?
264 PHOEBS?
265 OH, RIGHT. OKAY.
266 OLE.
267 WHAT?
268 UM... THE MATADOR, SO...
269 OLE.
270 ( laughing )
271 SWEET, CAN YOU HOLD THIS FOR A SECOND?
272 SURE.
273 THANKS.
274 UH, JULIE?
275 YEAH.
276 SORRY. YOU HAD A PALEONTOLOGIST ON YOUR FACE.
277 BUT IT'S GONE NOW.
278 YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
279 GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.
280 GOOD NIGHT.
281 GOOD-BYE.
282 OH, LISTEN...
283 I JUST... I WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR, UH...
284 OUR LITTLE TALK BEFORE.
285 OH, GOD, NO PROBLEM.
286 SO YOU'RE GOING TO GO WITH THE WAITING THING?
287 WELL, I WAS GOING TO
288 BUT AFTER I TALKED TO YOU, I TALKED TO JOEY.
289 WHAT..? WHAT DID HE SAY?
290 BASICALLY, HE TOLD ME
291 TO GET OVER MYSELF AND JUST DO IT.
292 SO I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID
293 AND I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT HE SAID
294 AND, WELL, HIS WAY I GET TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT, SO...
295 OH, GOD.
296 HMM.
297 WHAT IS THIS IN MY POCKET?
298 WHY, IT'S JOEY'S PORNO MOVIE.
299 Ross: HEY.
300 POP IT IN.
301 I'M FINE WITH IT.
302 I MEAN, IF YOU'RE OKAY WATCHING A VIDEO FILLED
303 WITH TWO-NIPPLED PEOPLE.
304 Rachel: GREAT.
305 PEOPLE HAVING SEX-- THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED TO SEE.
306 WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE HAVING SEX?
307 ( clears throat ) WELL...
308 WELL, UM, YOU KNOW
309 THESE MOVIES ARE OFFENSIVE...
310 AND, UH, DEGRADING TO WOMEN...
311 AND FEMALES...
312 AND, UH...
313 AND THE LIGHTING'S ALWAYS UNFLATTERING.
314 AND...
315 MONICA, HELP ME OUT HERE.
316 HELL, I WANT TO SEE JOEY!
317 ( cheesy music playing )
318 SO, IS THERE LIKE A STORY
319 OR DO THEY JUST START DOING IT RIGHT..?
320 OH. NEVER MIND.
321 OKAY, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
322 THAT IS THE CRAZIEST TYPING TEST
323 I'VE EVER SEEN.
324 ALL I SAY IS, SHE BETTER GET THE JOB.
325 LOOKS TO ME LIKE HE'S THE ONE GETTING
326 THE JOB.
327 SHH.
328 OKAY, HERE I COME. HERE I COME.
329 SEE, I'M COMING TO FIX THE COPIER.
330 I CAN'T GET TO THE COPIER.
331 I'M THINKING, "WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?"
332 SO I JUST WATCH THEM HAVE SEX.
333 AND THEN I SAY... WAIT, HERE'S MY LINE.
334 You know, that's bad for the paper tray.
335 NICE WORK, MY FRIEND.
336 THANK YOU.
337 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, YOU SEE ME AGAIN.
338 HANG ON. THE GUY'S BUTT'S BLOCKING ME.
339 THERE I AM.
340 THERE I AM.
341 THERE I AM.
342 THERE I AM.
343 SO WHAT'S UP?
344 YOU CAME TO SEE ME YESTERDAY.
345 OH, YEAH, UM...
346 ALL RIGHT.
347 I KIND OF NEED A DIVORCE.
348 O... KAY.
349 H-HOW COME?
350 UM, ACTUALLY, I'M GETTING MARRIED AGAIN.
351 WHAT?
352 I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS.
353 I'M STRAIGHT.
354 ( gasps )
355 YEAH, I KNOW, I..
356 I, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
357 I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
358 HOW CAN YOU BE STRAIGHT?
359 I MEAN, YOU'RE SO SMART AND FUNNY
360 AND YOU THROW SUCH GREAT ACADEMY AWARD PARTIES.
361 I KNOW. I KNOW.
362 THAT'S WHAT I KEPT TELLING MYSELF.
363 BUT YOU JUST REACH A POINT WHERE YOU CAN'T
364 LIVE A LIE ANYMORE.
365 SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN?
366 WELL, I GUESS ON SOME LEVEL I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS STRAIGHT.
367 I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED
368 TO BE SOMETHING ELSE.
369 YOU KNOW, I'M AN ICE DANCER.
370 ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GAY.
371 I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIT IN.
372 AND, UM...
373 AND THERE'S ACTUALLY A... A WOMAN?
374 HER NAME'S DEBORAH.
375 OH.
376 WELL, IS, IS SHE THE FIRST THAT YOU'VE BEEN WITH?
377 WELL, I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU THIS, BUT...
378 THERE WERE ONE OR TWO TIMES BACK IN COLLEGE
379 WHEN I'D GET REALLY DRUNK, GO TO A STRAIGHT BAR
380 AND WAKE UP WITH A WOMAN NEXT TO ME.
381 BUT, I, I...
382 I TOLD MYSELF IT WAS THE LIQUOR
383 AND EVERYONE EXPERIMENTS IN COLLEGE.
384 SURE.
385 BUT NOW
386 I KNOW I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE ABOUT THIS.
387 I WAS BORN THIS WAY.
388 I, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
389 I MEAN, YOU KNOW
390 YOU'RE MARRIED TO SOMEONE FOR SIX YEARS
391 AND YOU THINK YOU KNOW HIM
392 AND THEN ONE DAY HE SAYS, "OH, I'M NOT GAY."
393 I'M... I'M STILL ME.
394 WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST HAVE FIGURED THIS OUT
395 SIX YEARS AGO?
396 YOU KNOW, IT STILL SMELLS LIKE MONKEY IN THERE?
397 WELL, THAT SAVES US A CONVERSATION.
398 WELL, LISTEN, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT
399 BUT I'M OFFICIALLY WIPED.
400 ME TOO. WE SHOULD GO.
401 NO!
402 NO, I MEAN... NO.
403 COME ON, YOU GUYS.
404 I MEAN...
405 COME ON. LOOK, IT'S ONLY 11:30.
406 LET'S JUST TALK.
407 WE NEVER JUST HANG OUT AND TALK ANYMORE.
408 RACHEL
409 THAT'S ALL WE DO.
410 OKAY, MAYBE THAT'S ALL WE DO.
411 WHAT ABOUT JULIE?
412 WHAT ABOUT JULIE?
413 WELL, YOU HAVE BEEN IN OUR LIVES
414 FOR NEARLY TWO MONTHS NOW
415 AND WE DON'T REALLY KNOW YOU.
416 I MEAN, WHO IS JULIE?
417 I MEAN
418 WHAT DO YOU LIKE?
419 WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE?
420 WE WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING.
421 WELL, THAT COULD TAKE A WHILE.
422 SO?
423 I MEAN, WHO HERE DOES NOT HAVE THE TIME
424 TO GET TO KNOW JULIE?
425 I GOT THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW JULIE.
426 I GOT TIME.
427 UH, RACH?
428 I KNOW HER PRETTY WELL.
429 CAN I GO?
430 THAT'S FINE.
431 OKAY, JULIE, SO NOW LET'S START WITH YOUR CHILDHOOD.
432 WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?
433 WELL, IN A NUT SHELL...
434 UH, UH, UH, UH.
435 SO, UM, HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR PARENTS?
436 NO, BUT IT'LL BE OKAY.
437 THEY'RE PRETTY COOL.
438 MY BROTHER'S STRAIGHT, SO...
439 HERE YOU GO.
440 YOU KNOW WHAT?
441 I JUST HAVE ONE MORE QUESTION.
442 UM, IF YOU HAD FIGURED THIS OUT SOONER
443 AND, UM... I HAD BEEN AROUND
444 DO YOU THINK THAT
445 I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE WHO..?
446 NO, NO. THAT'S RIGHT.
447 DON'T TELL ME.
448 I DON'T THINK EITHER ANSWER WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
449 HERE.
450 I LOVE YOU, PHOEBE.
451 SO YOUR BROTHER'S STRAIGHT, HUH?
452 SERIOUSLY.
453 AND MY SECOND GRADE TEACHER WAS MISS THOMAS.
454 AND MY FIRST GRADE TEACHER WAS MRS. COBB.
455 MRS.... MRS. GOB?
456 NO, COBB.
457 LIKE COBB SALAD.
458 HMM. OKAY.
459 NOW, WHAT EXACTLY IS IN A COBB SALAD?
460 I'M GOING HOME.
461 WHY?
462 SAY GOODNIGHT, RACH.
463 THAT JULIE'S A TALKER, HUH?
464 GOODNIGHT.
465 WHEW!
466 GOODNIGHT.
467 GOODNIGHT.
468 IT'S PRETTY LATE.
469 YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT STILL PLANNING ON...
470 OH... NO, NO, I AM.
471 OH. OH, WELL...
472 OH, HEY, ARE YOU NERVOUS?
473 NO.
474 NO, I, UH...
475 I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE.
476 WELL, OKAY, I MEAN...
477 HOW ARE YOU GOING TO HANDLE IT?
478 ARE YOU GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT BEFOREHAND?
479 ARE YOU JUST GOING TO POUNCE?
480 I, UH... I DON'T KNOW.
481 I GUESS I'M JUST GOING TO...
482 SEE... SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
483 OKAY.
484 GOOD LUCK.
485 WHAT, UH..?
486 ( clears throat )
487 WHAT?
488 WELL, NOTHING.
489 I MEAN, UM...
490 IT IS YOUR FIRST TIME WITH HER
491 AND, YOU KNOW
492 IF THE FIRST TIME DOESN'T GO WELL
493 WELL, THEN, THAT'S PRETTY DARN HARD
494 TO RECOVER FROM.
495 OKAY, NOW I'M NERVOUS.
496 WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT IT OFF.
497 NO, I DON'T WANT TO PUT IT OFF.
498 I...
499 GOD, I'M JUST...
500 I SPENT LAST YEAR BEING SO UNBELIEVABLY MISERABLE.
501 AND NOW, NOW... I'M ACTUALLY HAPPY.
502 YOU KNOW, I MEAN, REALLY HAPPY.
503 I JUST, I JUST...
504 DON'T WANT TO...
505 I DON'T WANT TO MESS IT UP.
506 YOU KNOW?
507 I KNOW.
508 YEAH.
509 I'M SORRY.
510 NO, IT'S...
511 IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
512 RIGHT.
513 MAYBE IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS TOUGH.
514 MAYBE YOU WERE ON THE RIGHT TRACK
515 WITH THAT WHOLE, YOU KNOW, SPONTANEOUS THING.
516 I MEAN, WOMEN REALLY LIKE THAT.
517 REALLY?
518 YEAH.
519 I MEAN, YOU KNOW...
520 I MEAN, IF IT WERE ME...
521 YEAH.
522 I'D WANT YOU TO...
523 WHAT?
524 I DON'T KNOW, CATCH ME OFF-GUARD
525 YOU KNOW, WITH LIKE A REALLY GOOD KISS.
526 YOU KNOW, REALLY...
527 SORT OF, UM, SOFT... AT FIRST.
528 AND THEN MAYBE, UM...
529 BRUSH THE HAIR AWAY FROM MY FACE.
530 YEAH.
531 AND THEN LOOK
532 FAR INTO MY EYES...
533 IN A WAY THAT LET'S ME KNOW SOMETHING...
534 AMAZING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
535 UH-HUH.
536 AND THEN, I DON'T KNOW--
537 THEN YOU'D PULL ME REALLY CLOSE TO YOU
538 SO THAT, SO THAT I'D BE PRESSED UP
539 RIGHT AGAINST YOU.
540 AND, UM...
541 IT WOULD GET KIND OF...
542 SWEATY...
543 AND, UH, AND BLURRY...
544 AND THEN IT'S JUST HAPPENING.
545 ( sighs )
546 THANKS, RACH.
547 GOODNIGHT.
548 OH...
549 ( whimpers )
550 OH, GOD.
551 GOOD MORNING.
552 WELL, SOMEBODY GOT SOME LAST NIGHT.
553 TWICE.
554

S02E05

1 Gomez now with a side headlock, a handful of goatee.
2 MAN, I SURE MISS JULIE.
3 SPANISH MIDGETS...
4 SPANISH MIDGETS WRESTLING...
5 JULIE. OKAY, YES, I SEE HOW YOU GOT THERE.
6 ( phone ringing )
7 ( ringing )
8 YOU EVER FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT THING'S FOR?
9 I'M TRYING THIS NEW SCREENING THING.
10 IF I'M ALWAYS ANSWERING THE PHONE
11 PEOPLE THINK I DON'T HAVE A LIFE.
12 MY GOD, RODRIGO NEVER GETS PINNED.
13 Joey: Here comes the beep.
14 You know what to do.
15 ( beeps )
16 Woman: Hello. I'm looking for Bob.
17 This is Jade.
18 I don't know if you're still at this number
19 but I was just thinking about us and how great it was
20 and I know it's been three years
21 but I was kind of hoping we could hook up again, you know?
22 I barely had the nerve to make this call
23 so you know what I did?
24 WHAT?
25 I got a little drunk... and naked.
26 BOB HERE.
27 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
28 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
29 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
30 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
31 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
32 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
33 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
34 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
35 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
36 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
37 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
38 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
39 SO, UH... WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
40 Oh, you know, the usual:
41 teaching aerobics
42 partying way too much.
43 ( laughing ): Oh, and in case you were wondering
44 those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.
45 CAN YOU HOLD ON A MOMENT?
46 I HAVE ANOTHER CALL.
47 I LOVE HER.
48 I KNOW.
49 I'M BACK.
50 So are we going to get together or what?
51 UM, ABSOLUTELY.
52 UH, HOW ABOUT TOMORROW AFTERNOON?
53 YOU KNOW CENTRAL PERK IN THE VILLAGE, SAY FIVE-ISH?
54 Great. I'll see you then.
55 OKAY.
56 OKAY.
57 HAVING A PHONE HAS FINALLY PAID OFF.
58 OKAY, EVEN THOUGH YOU DO DO A GOOD BOB IMPRESSION
59 I'M THINKING WHEN SHE SEES YOU TOMORROW
60 SHE'S PROBABLY GOING TO REALIZE, "HEY, YOU'RE NOT BOB."
61 I AM HOPING THAT WHEN BOB
62 DOESN'T SHOW UP, SHE WILL SEEK COMFORT
63 IN THE OPEN ARMS OF THE WRY STRANGER
64 AT THE NEXT TABLE.
65 OH, MY GOD.
66 YOU ARE PURE EVIL.
67 OKAY, PURE EVIL.
68 HORNY AND ALONE.
69 I'VE DONE THIS.
70 Ross: I'M AT MONICA'S.
71 YEAH, YEAH, EVERYBODY'S HERE.
72 HEY, EVERYBODY, SAY HI TO JULIE IN NEW MEXICO.
73 HI. HI, JULIE.
74 ( sarcastically ): HI, JULIE.
75 WHAT?
76 WHILE ROSS IS ON THE PHONE
77 EVERYBODY OWES ME 62 BUCKS FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
78 UM...
79 IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT YOU'RE ROUNDING UP?
80 YOU KNOW, LIKE FROM, LIKE, 20?
81 WE GOT THE GIFT, THE CONCERT AND THE CAKE.
82 DO WE NEED A CAKE?
83 I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE STEEP.
84 YEAH, WHOOSH!
85 BUT IT'S ROSS.
86 YEAH.
87 ALL RIGHT.
88 ALL RIGHT? OKAY.
89 I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
90 I GOT TO GO... DO A THING.
91 OKAY, SWEETHEART
92 I'LL CALL YOU LATER TONIGHT.
93 YOU'RE NOT REALLY GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS, ARE YOU?
94 YOU KNOW, I THINK I MIGHT JUST.
95 SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING FOR DINNER TONIGHT?
96 WELL, I GUESS I GOT TO START SAVING UP
97 FOR ROSS' BIRTHDAY
98 SO I GUESS I'LL JUST STAY HOME AND EAT DUST BUNNIES.
99 CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MUCH THIS IS GOING TO COST?
100 DO YOU GUYS EVER GET THE FEELING THAT, UM...
101 CHANDLER AND THOSE GUYS JUST DON'T GET
102 THAT WE DON'T MAKE AS MUCH MONEY AS THEY DO?
103 YES, YEAH. YES.
104 THEY'RE ALWAYS SAYING, "LET'S GO HERE. LET'S GO THERE."
105 LIKE WE CAN AFFORD TO GO
106 HERE AND THERE.
107 YES, YES, AND WE ALWAYS HAVE TO GO SOMEPLACE NICE, YOU KNOW?
108 GOD, AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT
109 'CAUSE, LIKE, THIS IS A BIRTHDAY THING, YOU KNOW
110 AND IT'S FOR ROSS.
111 FOR ROSS.
112 FOR ROSS.
113 ROSS' BIRTHDAY. ROSS.
114 OH, MY GOD.
115 HI. WHAT?
116 OKAY, I'M AT WORK.
117 IT'S AN ORDINARY DAY--
118 YOU KNOW, CHOP, CHOP, CHOP, SAUTE, SAUTE, SAUTE.
119 SUDDENLY, LEON, THE MANAGER, CALLS ME INTO HIS OFFICE.
120 THEY FIRED THE HEAD LUNCH CHEF, AND GUESS WHO GOT THE JOB?
121 IF IT'S NOT YOU, THIS IS A HORRIBLE STORY.
122 FORTUNATELY IT IS ME, AND THEY MADE ME
123 HEAD OF PURCHASING, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
124 OH, THAT'S SO COOL.
125 I RAN INTO CHANDLER AND ROSS.
126 THEY THINK WE SHOULD GO CELEBRATE, SOMEPLACE NICE.
127 OH.
128 YEAH, SOMEPLACE NICE.
129 YEAH.
130 HOW MUCH YOU THINK I CAN GET FOR MY KIDNEY?
131 Ross: I'M TELLING YOU.
132 YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
133 I CAN NEVER GET A GIRL LIKE THAT
134 WITH CONVENTIONAL METHODS.
135 THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
136 SHE WANTED TO CALL BOB.
137 HEY, FOR ALL WE KNOW
138 BOB IS WHO SHE WAS MEANT TO BE WITH.
139 YOU MAY BE DESTROYING TWO PEOPLE'S CHANCE FOR HAPPINESS.
140 WE DON'T KNOW BOB.
141 OKAY? WE KNOW ME.
142 WE LIKE ME.
143 PLEASE LET ME BE HAPPY.
144 GO OVER THERE AND TELL THAT WOMAN THE TRUTH.
145 ALL RIGHT.
146 GO.
147 HI.
148 HI.
149 ( clearing throat )
150 LISTEN, I HAVE TO, UM...
151 I HAVE TO-- I HAVE TO CONFESS SOMETHING.
152 YES?
153 WHOEVER STOOD YOU UP IS A JERK.
154 HOW DID YOU..?
155 I DON'T KNOW.
156 I JUST HAD THIS WEIRD SENSE.
157 BUT THAT'S ME.
158 I'M WEIRD AND SENSITIVE.
159 TISSUE?
160 ( sniffles ): THANKS.
161 NO, YOU KEEP THE PACK.
162 I'M ALL CRIED OUT TODAY.
163 ( laughs )
164 ( tapping glass )
165 ( clearing throat )
166 OKAY, OKAY.
167 OH.
168 HERE IS TO MY SISTER
169 THE NEWLY APPOINTED HEAD LUNCH CHEF.
170 ALSO IN CHARGE OF PURCHASING.
171 NEWLY APPOINTED HEAD LUNCH CHEF ALSO IN CHARGE OF PURCHASING.
172 WHO HAS HER OWN DESK WHEN ROLAND'S NOT THERE.
173 UH, LUNCH CHEF, PURCHASING
174 HER OWN DESK WHEN ROLAND'S NOT THERE.
175 HERE'S TO MY LITTLE SISTER...
176 AND I GOT A BEEPER.
177 OH, COOL.
178 LET'S SEE.
179 THAT'S FINE.
180 I'LL JUST WAIT.
181 OH, SORRY.
182 Joey: SORRY, SORRY.
183 MONICA.
184 ( all toasting )
185 CHEERS.
186 ARE WE READY TO ORDER?
187 WE HAVEN'T EVEN LOOKED YET.
188 WHEN YOU DO, LET ME KNOW.
189 I'LL BE OVER THERE ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT.
190 WOW. LOOK AT THESE PRICES.
191 YEAH. THESE ARE PRETTY CHA-CHING.
192 I KNOW.
193 WHAT ARE THESE-- LIKE FAMOUS CHICKENS?
194 HEY, SORRY I'M LATE.
195 CONGRATULATIONS, MON.
196 THANKS.
197 I'M NOT SORRY I'M LATE.
198 HOW INCREDIBLE WAS MY AFTERNOON WITH JADE?
199 PRETTY INCREDIBLE ACCORDING TO THE MESSAGE
200 SHE LEFT ON MY MACHINE.
201 HEY, CHANDLER, WHY IS THIS WOMAN
202 LEAVING A MESSAGE FOR YOU ON MY MACHINE?
203 I HAD TO TELL HER MY NUMBER WAS YOUR NUMBER
204 BECAUSE I COULDN'T TELL HER
205 THAT MY NUMBER WAS MY NUMBER
206 BECAUSE SHE THINKS
207 THAT MY NUMBER IS BOB'S NUMBER.
208 HEY, TELL ME AGAIN.
209 WHAT DO I DO WHEN MR. ROPER CALLS?
210 DO I DARE ASK?
211 YES, I'LL START WITH THE CARPACCIO.
212 THEN I'LL HAVE THE GRILLED PRAWNS.
213 GREAT, SAME FOR ME.
214 AND FOR THE GENTLEMAN?
215 YEAH, I'LL HAVE THE THAI CHICKEN PIZZA.
216 HEY, LOOK, IF I GET IT WITHOUT THE NUTS
217 AND LEEKS AND STUFF, IS IT CHEAPER?
218 YOU'D THINK, WOULDN'T YOU?
219 MISS?
220 OKAY. I WILL HAVE THE, UH...
221 ( whispering ): SIDE SALAD.
222 ( whispering ): AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE ON THE SIDE OF?
223 I DON'T KNOW.
224 WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT IT RIGHT HERE NEXT TO MY WATER.
225 OKAY.
226 AND FOR YOU?
227 UM...
228 I'M GOING TO HAVE A CUP OF THE CUCUMBER SOUP
229 AND, UM...
230 TAKE CARE.
231 I WILL HAVE THE CAJUN CATFISH.
232 ANYTHING ELSE?
233 HOW ABOUT A VERSE OF "KILLING ME SOFTLY"?
234 YOU'RE GOING TO SNEEZE IN MY FISH, AREN'T YOU?
235 ( crunching )
236 Ross: PLUS TIP, DIVIDED BY SIX...
237 OKAY, EVERYONE OWES 28 BUCKS.
238 Chandler: OKAY.
239 WHAT, UM, EVERYONE?
240 OH.
241 YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.
242 THANK YOU.
243 MONICA SHOULDN'T PAY.
244 OH...
245 THANK YOU.
246 Ross: SO FIVE OF US IS...
247 $33.50 APIECE.
248 NO. HUH-UH, NO WAY.
249 NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
250 WHOA, WHOA, PROM NIGHT FLASHBACK.
251 I'M SORRY, MONICA.
252 I'M REALLY HAPPY YOU GOT PROMOTED
253 BUT COLD CUCUMBER MUSH FOR THIRTY-SOMETHING BUCKS?
254 NO!
255 RACHEL JUST HAD THAT LITTLE SALAD
256 AND JOEY WITH HIS, LIKE, TEENY PIZZA!
257 IT'S JUST...
258 OKAY, PHEEBS. SHH. SHH.
259 HOW ABOUT WE'LL EACH JUST PAY FOR WHAT WE HAD, OKAY?
260 IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
261 NOT FOR YOU.
262 ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON?
263 I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GET INTO THIS RIGHT NOW.
264 IT'LL JUST MAKE EVERYBODY UNCOMFORTABLE.
265 ALL RIGHT, FINE. FINE.
266 WHOA, WHOA.
267 YOU CAN TELL US.
268 HELLO, IT'S US.
269 WE'LL BE FINE.
270 YEAH.
271 ( crunching )
272 OKAY, UH...
273 UH, WE THREE
274 FEEL LIKE THAT, UH...
275 SOMETIMES YOU GUYS DON'T GET THAT, UH...
276 ( clearing throat )
277 ( clearing throat )
278 WE DON'T HAVE AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU.
279 OKAY.
280 I HEAR YOU.
281 WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT.
282 WELL, THEN...
283 LET'S.
284 WELL, UM, I-I GUESS
285 I JUST NEVER THINK OF MONEY AS AN ISSUE.
286 THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU HAVE IT.
287 THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
288 MMM...
289 SO, UM, HOW COME YOU GUYS
290 HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE?
291 'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
292 LIKE WITH MONICA'S NEW JOB
293 OR ROSS'S BIRTHDAY HOOPLA.
294 Ross: WH-WHA..?
295 WHOA! HEY! I DON'T WANT MY BIRTHDAY TO BE THE SOURCE
296 OF ANY KIND OF NEGATIVE...
297 THERE'S GOING TO BE A HOOPLA?
298 BASICALLY, THERE'S THE THING
299 AND THEN THERE'S THE STUFF AFTER THE THING.
300 IF IT MAKES ANYBODY FEEL BETTER
301 THEN WE CAN JUST FORGET THE THING
302 AND WE'LL JUST DO THE GIFT.
303 G-GIFT? THE THING'S NOT THE GIFT?
304 NO, THE THING WAS WE WERE GOING TO SEE HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH.
305 HOOTIE AND... OH, MY!
306 I-I CAN CATCH THEM ON THE RADIO.
307 OH, NO, NOW I FEEL BAD.
308 YOU WANT TO GO TO THE CONCERT.
309 NO! LOOK, HEY, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY
310 AND THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT WE ALL BE TOGETHER.
311 ALL OF US.
312 TOGETHER.
313 NOT AT THE CONCERT.
314 OKAY.
315 YEAH.
316 THANK YOU.
317 THANKS.
318 YEAH.
319 SO, THE EBOLA VIRUS-- THAT'S GOT TO SUCK, HUH?
320 WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
321 I DON'T KNOW, CHANDLER.
322 LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
323 UH, IT'S LIKE A SKIT.
324 WHY, IT'S DINNER FOR SIX--
325 FIVE STEAKS AND AN EGGPLANT FOR PHOEBE.
326 HOO.
327 COOL.
328 WE SWITCHED MEAT SUPPLIERS AT WORK
329 AND THE NEW GUYS GAVE ME THE STEAKS.
330 BUT, WAIT, THERE'S MORE.
331 HEY, CHANDLER, WHAT IS IN THAT ENVELOPE?
332 BY THE WAY, THIS DIDN'T SEEM SO DORKY OUT IN THE HALL.
333 COME ON.
334 WHY, IT'S SIX TICKETS TO HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH.
335 THE BLOWFISH.
336 IT'S ON US, ALL RIGHT?
337 SO, DON'T WORRY-- THIS IS... OUR TREAT.
338 SO... THANK YOU.
339 COULD YOU BE LESS ENTHUSED?
340 LOOK, IT'S A NICE GESTURE.
341 IT IS, BUT IT JUST FEELS LIKE...
342 LIKE?
343 CHARITY.
344 CHARITY?
345 WE'RE JUST TRYING TO DO A NICE THING HERE.
346 YEAH, BUT ROSS, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
347 YOUR NICE THING MAKES US FEEL ABOUT THIS BIG.
348 ACTUALLY, IT MAKES US FEEL THAT BIG.
349 WHAT? I DON'T... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
350 I MEAN, YOU..
351 IT'S LIKE WE CAN'T WIN WITH YOU GUYS.
352 YEAH, I MEAN, IF YOU GUYS FEEL THIS BIG
353 MAYBE THAT'S NOT OUR FAULT.
354 MAYBE THAT'S JUST... HOW YOU FEEL.
355 OH... NOW YOU'RE TELLING US HOW WE FEEL.
356 OKAY, WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
357 ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO PASS ON THE CONCERT
358 'CAUSE I'M JUST NOT IN A VERY HOOTIE PLACE RIGHT NOW.
359 ME NEITHER.
360 ME TOO.
361 GUYS, WE BOUGHT THE TICKETS.
362 THEN YOU'LL HAVE EXTRA SEATS, YOU KNOW
363 FOR ALL YOUR TIARAS AND STUFF.
364 WHY DID YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU SAID THAT?
365 SO, I GUESS NOW WE CAN'T GO.
366 COME ON, YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
367 WE ALWAYS HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER?
368 YOU KNOW WHAT?
369 YOU'RE RIGHT.
370 FINE.
371 FINE.
372 FINE!
373 FINE.
374 FINE.
375 ALL RIGHT.
376 WE'RE GOING TO GO.
377 IT'S NOT FOR ANOTHER SIX HOURS.
378 WE'RE GOING TO GO THEN.
379 CHANDLER.
380 YEAH?
381 OH, GEEZ... OH... ARE YOU READY?
382 YES. LET ME GRAB
383 MY JACKET AND TELL YOU I HAD SEX TODAY.
384 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
385 WHAT? YOU... YOU HAD SEX TODAY?
386 WOW, IT SOUNDS EVEN COOLER WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE SAYS IT.
387 I WAS AWESOME, OKAY?
388 SHE WAS BITING HER LIP TO STOP FROM SCREAMING.
389 W-WOW.
390 IT'S BEEN A WHILE, BUT I TOOK THAT AS A GOOD SIGN.
391 ( phone ringing )
392 STILL DOING THE SCREENING THING?
393 I HAD SEX TODAY.
394 I NEVER HAVE TO ANSWER THAT PHONE AGAIN.
395 Joey: Here comes the beep. You know what to do.
396 ( beeping )
397 Hey, Bob, it's Jade.
398 I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt
399 when you didn't show up
400 the other day
401 and, just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.
402 BOB HERE.
403 Oh, hi.
404 SO, UH, YOU MET SOMEONE, HUH?
405 Yes. Yes, I did.
406 In fact, I had sex with him two hours ago.
407 SO, UH...
408 HOW WAS HE?
409 Eh.
410 "EH?"
411 Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you.
412 I thought about you the whole time.
413 I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.
414 WELL, THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD.
415 It was just so awkward and bumpy.
416 ( no audio )
417 WELL, MAYBE HE HAD SOME KIND OF NEW, UH, COOL STYLE
418 THAT YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH
419 AND MAYBE YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO IT.
420 There really wasn't much time to get used to it
421 if you know what I mean.
422 YOU KNOW WHAT?
423 I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY THIS.
424 YEAH, I KNOW.
425 IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
426 WE ALL SHOULD BE HERE.
427 SO, LET'S GO.
428 WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD STAY FOR ONE SONG.
429 YEAH. I MEAN, IT'D BE RUDE TO THEM
430 FOR US TO LEAVE NOW.
431 THE GUYS ARE PROBABLY HAVING A GREAT TIME.
432 COME ON, YOU GUYS, ONE MORE TIME.
433 OKAY.
434 ONE.
435 NO.
436 THAT WAS AMAZING!
437 EXCELLENT!
438 I CAN'T BELIEVE THE GUYS MISSED THAT.
439 WHAT GUYS?
440 OH, YEAH.
441 EXCUSE ME.
442 YOU'RE MONICA GELLER, AREN'T YOU?
443 DO I KNOW YOU?
444 YOU USED TO BE MY BABY-SITTER.
445 OH, MY GOD, LITTLE STEVIE FISHER?
446 HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
447 GOOD. GOOD.
448 I'M A LAWYER NOW.
449 YOU CAN'T BE A LAWYER. YOU'RE EIGHT.
450 WELL, LISTEN, IT WAS NICE TO SEE YOU.
451 I GOT TO RUN BACKSTAGE.
452 WAIT. BACKSTAGE?
453 YEAH. MY FIRM REPRESENTS THE BAND.
454 ROSS. CHANDLER.
455 HOW ARE YOU?
456 WANT TO MEET THE GROUP?
457 YEAH, WE DO.
458 COME ON.
459 ARE YOU ONE OF THE ONES
460 THAT FOOLED AROUND WITH MY DAD?
461 HEY, YOU GUYS.
462 HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
463 OH, THANK YOU.
464 THANKS.
465 SO, UH... HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT LAST NIGHT?
466 WELL, IT PRETTY MUCH SUCKED.
467 HOW WAS YOURS?
468 OURS PRETTY MUCH SUCKED TOO.
469 BUT I DID RUN INTO LITTLE STEVIE FISHER.
470 REMEMBER HIM?
471 OH, YEAH. I USED TO BABY-SIT HIM.
472 HEY, HOW'S HIS DAD?
473 GOOD.
474 ASIDE FROM THAT
475 THE WHOLE EVENING WAS A BUST.
476 YEAH, WE... WE REALLY MISSED YOU GUYS.
477 YEAH, LOOK, UH... WE WERE JUST SAYING
478 THIS WHOLE THING IS SO STUPID.
479 WE JUST HAVE TO REALLY, REALLY, REALLY NOT LET STUFF LIKE THIS
480 ABOUT MONEY GET, LIKE...
481 IS THAT A HICKEY?
482 OH, NO, I JUST... I FELL DOWN.
483 ON SOMEONE'S LIPS?
484 WHERE'D YOU GET THE HICKEY?
485 YOU KNOW, A PARTY OR...
486 WHAT PARTY?
487 WELL, IT WASN'T A PARTY
488 SO MUCH AS A... A GATHERING OF PEOPLE...
489 ...WITH FOOD AND MUSIC AND... AND... AND THE BAND.
490 YOU PARTIED WITH HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH?
491 YES, APPARENTLY, STEVIE AND HOOTIE ARE LIKE THIS.
492 WHO GAVE YOU THAT HICKEY?
493 THAT WOULD BE THE WORK OF A BLOWFISH.
494 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
495 I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
496 WE'RE JUST, LIKE, SITTING AT HOME
497 JUST TRYING TO GUESS JOEY'S FINGERS, AND...
498 AND YOU GUYS ARE OUT
499 LIKE, PARTYING AND HAVING FUN
500 AND, YOU KNOW, ALL "HEY, BLOWFISH, SUCK ON MY NECK."
501 LOOK, DON'T BLAME US.
502 YOU GUYS COULD HAVE BEEN THERE.
503 OH, WHAT?
504 AS PART OF YOUR POOR FRIENDS OUTREACH PROGRAM?
505 ( beeping )
506 GREAT. IT'S WORK.
507 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
508 I'M SORRY WE MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU
509 BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.
510 WE WORK REALLY HARD FOR IT.
511 AND WE DON'T WORK HARD?
512 YEAH, HI. IT'S MONICA.
513 SOMETIMES WE LIKE TO DO STUFF
514 THAT COSTS A LITTLE MORE.
515 OH, AND YOU FEEL LIKE WE HOLD YOU BACK?
516 YES.
517 ( Rachel gasping )
518 NO.
519 ( all chattering )
520 LEON, LEON, WAIT.
521 SHH, GUYS.
522 I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
523 THOSE STEAKS WERE JUST A GIFT FROM THE MEAT VENDOR.
524 THAT WAS NOT A KICK-BACK.
525 I MEAN, I'LL JUST REPLACE THEM
526 AND WE CAN FORGET THE WHOLE THING.
527 WHAT CORPORATE POLICY?
528 NO...
529 YEAH.
530 OKAY.
531 I JUST GOT FIRED.
532 OH!
533 OH.
534 WHY?
535 LET ME GET THAT.
536 YOU GOT FIVE BUCKS?
537 ( ringing )
538 Joey: Here comes the beep.
539 You know what to do.
540 ( beeping )
541 Jade: Hi. It's me.
542 Listen, Bob, I'm... I'm probably way out of line here.
543 I mean, it has been three years
544 and you're probably seeing someone else now
545 but if we could just have one night together
546 just for old time's sake-- one hot, steamy, wild night.
547

S02E06

1 WHO DA WENNY-BENNY BOY?
2 OH, YOU DA WENNY-WENNY- BENNY-BENNY BOY.
3 YES.
4 ( crying )
5 OH, DON'T CRY.
6 DON'T CRY.
7 ( crying )
8 WHY IS HE STILL CRYING?
9 LET ME HOLD HIM FOR A SEC.
10 THERE WE GO.
11 HUH? HUH? THERE WE ARE.
12 MAYBE IT'S ME.
13 DON'T BE SILLY. BEN LOVES YOU.
14 HE'S JUST BEING MR. CRANKY-PANTS.
15 YOU KNOW, I ONCE DATED A MISS CRANKY-PANTS.
16 LOVELY GIRL, KIND OF MOODY.
17 THERE WE GO, ALL BETTER.
18 THERE'S MY LITTLE BOY.
19 ( crying )
20 ( crying louder )
21 CAN I... UH... SEE SOMETHING?
22 ( crying )
23 ( crying stops )
24 ( crying )
25 ( crying stops )
26 COOL.
27 HE HATES ME.
28 MY NEPHEW HATES ME.
29 COME ON, DON'T DO THIS.
30 WHAT IF MY OWN BABY HATES ME? WHAT THEN?
31 DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S GOING TO BE
32 BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL
33 WITH THIS PROBLEM?
34 YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND YET.
35 JOEY, SHE DOES NOT LOOK FAT.
36 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
37 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
38 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
39 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
40 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
41 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
42 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
43 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
44 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
45 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
46 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
47 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
48 OH, HEY, MON.
49 ( crying )
50 GOO! GOO! GOO!
51 ( crying )
52 THAT IS SO FUNNY.
53 LET ME SEE THAT.
54 ( gulping )
55 UGH...
56 YOU OKAY, ROSS?
57 I DON'T KNOW. UGH...
58 WHAT'S IN THIS PIE?
59 I DON'T KNOW.
60 BUTTER AND EGGS AND FLOUR AND LIME AND KIWI...
61 KIWI? KIWI?
62 YOU SAID IT WAS A KEY LIME PIE.
63 NO, I DIDN'T. I SAID KIWI LIME.
64 THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL.
65 THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO KILL ME.
66 I'M ALLERGIC TO KIWI.
67 NO, YOU'RE NOT.
68 YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO LOBSTER AND PEANUTS AND...
69 ( honking grunt )
70 OH, MY GOD.
71 IT'S DEFINITELY GETTING WORSE.
72 IS YOUR TONGUE SWELLING UP?
73 EITHER THAT OR MY MOUTH IS GETTING SMALLER.
74 GET YOUR COAT.
75 WE'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL.
76 WILL HE BE OKAY?
77 YEAH, HE NEEDS A SHOT.
78 YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, IT'S GETTING BETTER.
79 IT IS. LET'S NOT GO.
80 ANYONE UP FOR SCRABBLE?
81 JACKET NOW!
82 BUT WHAT ABOUT BEN?
83 WE CAN'T BRING A BABY TO THE HOTHPITAL.
84 WE'LL WATCH HIM.
85 ( grunts )
86 I DON'T THINK SO.
87 WHAT? I HAVE SEVEN CATHOLIC SISTERS.
88 I'VE TAKEN CARE OF HUNDREDS OF KIDS.
89 COME ON.
90 WE WANT TO DO IT, DON'T WE?
91 I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO PLAYING BASKETBALL
92 BUT I GUESS THAT'S OUT THE WINDOW.
93 IF YOU TAKE HIM FOR HIS WALK, BWING HIS HAT.
94 THERE'S MILK IN THE FWIDGE AND DIAPERS IN THE BAG.
95 HAT, MILK, DI... GOT IT.
96 LET'S GO.
97 ( speech garbled )
98 THRO UP A THRO THRO, A THRO THRO.
99 CONSIDER IT DONE!
100 YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT?
101 YEAH. MY UNCLE SAL HAS A REALLY BIG TONGUE.
102 IS HE THE ONE WITH THE BEAUTIFUL WIFE?
103 RACH, WANT TO HEAR THE NEW SONG
104 I'M THINKING OF SINGING THIS AFTERNOON?
105 I WROTE IT IN THE SHOWER.
106 OKAY.
107 ♪ I'M IN THE SHOWER ♪
108 ♪ AND I'M WRITING A SONG ♪
109 ♪ STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD IT ♪
110 ♪ MY SKIN IS SOAPY ♪
111 ♪ AND MY HAIR IS WET ♪
112 ♪ AND TEGRIN SPELLED BACKWARD ♪
113 ♪ IS NIRGET. ♪
114 RACHEL, SWEETHEART
115 COULD I SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE?
116 WHAT'S UP?
117 F.Y.I., I'VE DECIDED
118 TO PAY A PROFESSIONAL MUSICIAN
119 TO PLAY HERE ON SUNDAY AFTERNOONS.
120 HER NAME IS STEPHANIE...
121 SOMETHING.
122 SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE VERY GOOD.
123 BUT WHAT ABOUT PHOEBE?
124 RACHEL, IT'S NOT THAT YOUR FRIEND IS BAD.
125 IT'S... IT'S THAT SHE'S SO BAD
126 SHE MAKES ME WANT TO PUT MY FINGER
127 THROUGH MY EYE INTO MY BRAIN
128 AND SWIRL IT AROUND.
129 OKAY.
130 OKAY, SO YOU'RE NOT A FAN.
131 BUT, I MEAN, COME ON.
132 YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO HER.
133 UH...
134 OH, NO, NO, NO.
135 I HAVE TO DO THIS TO HER?
136 ♪ LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT ♪
137 ♪ AND LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT ♪
138 ♪ AND LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT ♪
139 ♪ AS NEEDED. ♪
140 YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK WE BROUGHT ENOUGH STUFF.
141 DID YOU FORGET TO PACK THE BABY'S ANVIL?
142 IT'S GOING TO BE WORTH IT.
143 IT'S A KNOWN FACT THAT WOMEN LOVE BABIES.
144 WOMEN LOVE GUYS WHO LOVE BABIES.
145 IT'S THE WHOLE SENSITIVE THING.
146 AIM HIM AT THAT PACK OF BABES.
147 MAYBE ONE OF THEM WILL BREAK AWAY.
148 NO, NO, WAIT. FORGET THEM.
149 WE GOT ONE-- HARD LEFT.
150 GIVE ME THE BABY.
151 NO, I'VE GOT HIM.
152 COME ON, SERIOUSLY.
153 OH, SERIOUSLY YOU WANT HIM?
154 HELLO.
155 HELLO. HELLO.
156 AND WHO IS THIS LITTLE CUTIE PIE?
157 WELL, DON'T THINK ME IMMODEST, BUT...
158 ME?
159 YOU WANT TO SMELL HIM?
160 I ASSUME WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE BABY NOW.
161 OH, YEAH.
162 HE'S GOT THAT GREAT BABY SMELL.
163 GET A WHIFF OF HIS HEAD.
164 I THINK MY UTERUS JUST SKIPPED A BEAT.
165 WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
166 IT'S GREAT YOU'RE DOING THIS.
167 WELL, WE ARE GREAT GUYS.
168 MY BROTHER AND HIS BOYFRIEND HAVE BEEN TRYING TO ADOPT.
169 WHAT AGENCY DID YOU TWO GO THROUGH?
170 BUT THIS IS MY GIG!
171 THIS IS WHERE I PLAY.
172 MY NAME IS WRITTEN OUT THERE IN CHALK.
173 YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T JUST ERASE CHALK.
174 HONEY, I'M SORRY.
175 AND HE'S GOING TO BE PAYING THIS WOMAN?
176 WHY DOESN'T HE GIVE HER A THRONE?
177 AND A CROWN, AND, LIKE A...
178 YOU KNOW... GOLD STICK WITH A BALL ON TOP?
179 TERRY IS A JERK.
180 THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALWAYS SAYING, "TERRY'S A JERK."
181 THAT'S WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
182 YEAH, OKAY.
183 YOU PROBABLY DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD.
184 OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
185 LET ME JUST SEE WHAT ELSE I CAN DO.
186 WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET HER GO ON AFTER
187 STEPHANIE WHATEVER HER NAME IS.
188 YOU WON'T BE HERE, YOU DON'T PAY HER.
189 I DON'T KNOW.
190 TERRY, I'LL EVEN CLEAN THE CAPPUCCINO MACHINE.
191 YOU DON'T CLEAN THE CAPPUCCINO MACHINE?
192 OF COURSE...
193 I CLEAN IT.
194 I MEAN, I WILL CLEAN IT.
195 I WILL CLEAN IT.
196 OH, ALL RIGHT.
197 FINE, FINE, FINE.
198 DONE.
199 REALLY?
200 YEAH. WHO'S WORKING FOR YOU, BABE?
201 OH, MY GOD!
202 THIS IS SO EXCITING.
203 HOW MUCH AM I GOING TO GET?
204 WHAT?
205 YOU SAID HE'S PAYING THE PEOPLE WHO PLAY.
206 OH, NO. NO, NO.
207 HE'S GOING TO BE PAYING THAT OTHER WOMAN
208 BECAUSE SHE'S A PROFESSIONAL.
209 I'M NOT GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NOT GETTING PAID.
210 BUT, PHEEBS...
211 NO, UH-UH, I'M SORRY.
212 NO, I'M NOT SOME, LIKE, SLOPPY SECOND
213 YOU KNOW, CHARITY BAND.
214 THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF PLACES IN THIS CITY
215 WHERE PEOPLE WOULD BE HAPPY TO PAY TO HEAR ME PLAY.
216 Phoebe: ♪ WHEN I PLAY, I PLAY FOR ME ♪
217 ♪ I DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY ♪
218 THANK YOU.
219 ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
220 ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA. ♪
221 THERE'S NO WAY I'M GOING TO GET A SHOT.
222 MAYBE THEY CAN TAKE THE NEEDLE
223 AND THQUIRT IT INTO MY MOUTH LIKE A THQUIRT GUN.
224 HELLO THERE.
225 I'M DR. KARLEN.
226 I SEE SOMEONE'S HAVING A LITTLE ALLERGIC REACTION.
227 YES.
228 DOCTOR, CAN I SEE YOU FOR JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE?
229 MY BROTHER HAS
230 A SLIGHT PHOBIA ABOUT NEEDLES.
231 DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT MY THQUIRT GUN IDEA?
232 MY BROTHER, THE Ph.D.
233 WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF THERE'S ANY WAY TO TREAT THIS ORALLY.
234 NO. UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES
235 IT HAS TO BE AN INJECTION AND IT HAS TO BE NOW.
236 THO?
237 OHHH!
238 THAT'S GOOD. HAVE A SEAT.
239 DOCTOR SAYS IT'S GOT TO BE A NEEDLE.
240 YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE BRAVE, OKAY?
241 CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?
242 OKAY.
243 OKAY. OH, BOY!
244 YOU ARE DOING SO GOOD.
245 YOU WANT TO SQUEEZE MY HAND?
246 YES.
247 DON'T SQUEEZE IT SO HARD.
248 REALLY, DON'T SQUEEZE IT SO HARD.
249 OW! LET GO OF MY HAND!
250 THAT'S A GOOD PLAN.
251 NEXT TIME WE WANT TO PICK UP WOMEN
252 WE'LL JUST GO TO THE PARK AND MAKE OUT.
253 TAXI! TAXI!
254 LOOK AT THAT TALENT.
255 JUST PRACTICING.
256 YOU'RE GOOD. CARRY ON.
257 COME ON.
258 HEY, YOU.
259 HE'S JUST ADORABLE.
260 CAN YOU TELL HIM THAT?
261 BECAUSE HE THINKS HE LOOKS TOO PINK.
262 SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS OUT DOING TODAY?
263 OH, WE'RE NOT OUT. NO, NO.
264 Joey: WE'RE JUST
265 TWO HETEROSEXUAL GUYS HANGING WITH THE SON
266 OF OUR OTHER HETEROSEXUAL FRIEND
267 DOING THE USUAL "STRAIGHT GUY" STUFF.
268 YOU DONE?
269 YEAH.
270 THERE'S OUR STOP.
271 GET OUT OF HERE.
272 THIS IS OUR STOP.
273 YOU GUYS LIVE AROUND HERE, TOO?
274 YEAH. WE LIVE IN THE BUILDING BY THE...
275 SIDEWALK.
276 YOU KNOW IT?
277 LOOK, SINCE WE'RE NEIGHBORS AND ALL
278 WHAT DO YOU SAY
279 WE GET TOGETHER FOR A DRINK?
280 SO, DO YOU WANT TO GO TO MARKEL'S?
281 OH, SURE. THEY LOVE US OVER THERE.
282 HEY, WHERE'S YOUR BABY?
283 BEN!
284 BEN!
285 BEN!
286 BEN! BEN!
287 OH, THAT'S GOOD!
288 MAYBE HE'LL HEAR YOU AND PULL THE CORD!
289 STOP THE BUS!
290 WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!
291 WAIT, WAIT! WAIT!
292 ( gasping )
293 ARE SURE HE DIDN'T BREAK IT?
294 IT REALLY HURTS.
295 NO, IT'S JUST A GOOD BONE BRUISE
296 AND...
297 RIGHT HERE
298 IS THE PUNCTURE WOUND FROM YOUR RING.
299 OH, I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY.
300 THAT'S OKAY.
301 SORRY. SORRY!
302 HEY! HEY, I GOT MY S's BACK!
303 ( chuckles )
304 WHICH WE CAN CELEBRATE LATER.
305 CELEBRATE.
306 CELE...
307 ♪ HE WAS A DOUBLE-DOUBLE ♪
308 ♪ DOUBLE-JOINTED BOY. ♪
309 HEY. SO, UM...
310 ARE YOU THE PROFESSIONAL GUITAR PLAYER?
311 YEAH. I'M STEPHANIE.
312 OH. RIGHT, YEAH.
313 MY NAME WAS ON THERE
314 BUT NOW IT JUST SAYS "CARROT CAKE."
315 OKAY.
316 SO, UM, SO, UM, HOW MANY CHORDS DO YOU KNOW?
317 ALL OF THEM.
318 OH, YEAH? SO YOU KNOW "D"?
319 YEAH.
320 OKAY, DO YOU KNOW "A" MINOR?
321 YEAH.
322 OKAY. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GO FROM "D" TO "A" MINOR?
323 ( snorts )
324 YEAH.
325 OKAY.
326 UM, SO DOES YOUR GUITAR HAVE A STRAP?
327 NO.
328 OH. MINE DOES.
329 BYE.
330 OKAY...
331 ♪ STEPHANIE KNOWS ALL THE CHORDS ♪
332 COME ON, PICK UP! PICK UP!
333 PICK UP! PICK UP! HELLO...
334 TRANSIT AUTHORITY?
335 YES, HELLO.
336 I'M DOING RESEARCH FOR A BOOK
337 AND I WAS WONDERING WHAT SOMEBODY MIGHT DO
338 IF THEY LEFT A BABY ON A CITY BUS.
339 YES, I DO REALIZE THAT'D BE A VERY STUPID CHARACTER.
340 HI. HERE'S THE DEAL.
341 WE LOST A CAR SEAT ON A BUS TODAY.
342 IT'S WHITE WITH A HANDLE AND IT FITS ON A STROLLER.
343 OH, AND THERE WAS A BABY IN IT.
344 HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN.
345 OKAY, EVERYBODY, LET'S GIVE A WARM CENTRAL PERK WELCOME TO...
346 Phoebe: ♪ TERRY'S A JERK ♪
347 ♪ AND HE WON'T LET ME WORK ♪
348 ♪ AND I HATE CENTRAL PERK ♪
349 ( clears throat )
350 UH, TO STEPHANIE SCHIFFER.
351 THANK YOU.
352 THANK YOU.
353 I'D LIKE TO START WITH A SONG
354 THAT I WROTE FOR THE FIRST MAN I EVER LOVED.
355 ♪ ZACHARY ♪
356 Phoebe: ♪ YOU'RE ALL INVITED TO BITE ME! ♪
357 HI! HI!
358 WE'RE THE GUYS THAT CALLED ABOUT THE BABY! WE LOST THE BABY!
359 Both: IS HE HERE?
360 HE'S HERE.
361 ( both gasping )
362 I'M ASSUMING ONE OF YOU IS THE FATHER.
363 THAT'S ME. I'M HIM.
364 ACTUALLY, UH...
365 WE'RE BOTH THE FATHER.
366 OH, BEN! HEY, BEN!
367 HEY, BUDDY. HEY, BABY.
368 HI...
369 ( gurgling )
370 ( gurgling )
371 PLEASE TELL ME YOU KNOW WHICH ONE IS OUR BABY.
372 WELL, WELL, THAT ONE HAS DUCKS ON HIS T-SHIRT
373 AND THIS ONE HAS CLOWNS
374 AND BEN WAS DEFINITELY WEARING DUCKS.
375 OKAY...
376 OR CLOWNS.
377 OH! OH, WAIT!
378 THAT ONE'S DEFINITELY BEN.
379 HE HAD THAT CUTE LITTLE MOLE BY HIS MOUTH.
380 YEAH?
381 YEAH.
382 HEY, BEN, REMEMBER US?
383 OKAY, THE MOLE CAME OFF.
384 AHH...
385 WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
386 WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
387 WE'LL FLIP FOR IT-- DUCKS OR CLOWNS.
388 WE'RE GOING TO FLIP FOR THE BABY?!
389 YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA?
390 CALL IT IN THE AIR.
391 ALL RIGHT.
392 HEADS.
393 HEADS IT IS.
394 YES!
395 PHEW!
396 WE HAVE TO ASSIGN HEADS TO SOMETHING!
397 OH! RIGHT!
398 OKAY. OKAY, UH...
399 DUCKS IS HEADS BECAUSE DUCKS HAVE HEADS.
400 WHAT KIND OF SCARY-ASS CLOWNS CAME TO YOUR BIRTHDAY?
401 ♪ JUST CALL ME ANGEL OF THE MORNING ♪
402 ♪ ANGEL ♪
403 ♪ JUST TOUCH MY CHEEK BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME ♪
404 ♪ OH, BABY ♪
405 ♪ JUST CALL ME ANGEL OF THE MORNING ♪
406 ♪ ANGEL ♪
407 ♪ THEN SLOWLY TURN AWAY ♪
408 ♪ I WON'T BEG YOU TO STAY ♪
409 ♪ WITH ME ♪
410 HI.
411 OH, HI.
412 HERE. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE COLD.
413 THANK YOU.
414 MM. MM.
415 WHOA, LOOK AT YOU. YOU DID PRETTY WELL.
416 $8.27.
417 BUT NOT REALLY, 'CAUSE I PUT IN THE FIRST TWO.
418 JUST TO, YOU KNOW, GET THE BALL ROLLING
419 AND TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER.
420 DO YOU?
421 NO.
422 YOU KNOW, THIS WHOLE, LIKE, PLAYING-FOR-MONEY THING
423 IS SO NOT GOOD FOR ME.
424 YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, WHEN I SANG "SU-SU-SUICIDE"
425 I GOT LIKE, I GOT $1.75.
426 BUT THEN "SMELLY CAT"?
427 I GOT 25 CENTS AND A CONDOM.
428 SO, YOU KNOW, NOW
429 I JUST FEEL REALLY BAD FOR "SMELLY CAT."
430 WELL, YOU KNOW, HONEY
431 I DON'T THINK EVERYBODY GETS "SMELLY CAT."
432 YOU KNOW, I MEAN, IF ALL YOU'VE EVER ACTUALLY HAD
433 ARE HEALTHY PETS, THEN WOOSH!
434 BUT IT'S NOT EVEN THAT, YOU KNOW?
435 I USED TO DO MY SONGS 'CAUSE IT MADE ME HAPPY.
436 NOW IT'S LIKE, IT'S JUST ALL ABOUT THE MONEY, YOU KNOW?
437 WELL, PEOPLE MISSED YOU IN THERE.
438 AND IN FACT, THERE WAS ACTUALLY A REQUEST FOR "SMELLY CAT."
439 REALLY?! FROM WHO?
440 WELL, ME.
441 AND I KNOW IT'S NOT, YOU KNOW
442 YOUR BIG MONEY SONG, BUT IT'S MY FAVORITE.
443 OH...
444 OH!
445 HI. DID I ACCIDENTALLY DROP A CONDOM IN YOUR CASE?
446 UH...
447 IT'S KIND OF AN EMERGENCY.
448 YEAH. HERE YOU GO.
449 HEY, THANKS A LOT.
450 HEY, CHRISTINE, I GOT IT!
451 I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME TODAY.
452 I'M SORRY I ALMOST BROKE YOUR HAND.
453 OH, THAT'S OKAY.
454 I'M SORRY I POISONED YOU.
455 HEY, REMEMBER THE TIME I JAMMED THAT PENCIL INTO YOUR HAND?
456 REMEMBER IT?
457 WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS-- A FRECKLE?
458 WHAT ABOUT THE TIME
459 I HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH THE SYLVIANS' PUMPKIN?
460 REMEMBER WHEN I STUCK THAT BROOM
461 IN YOUR BIKE SPOKES AND YOU FLIPPED
462 AND HIT YOUR HEAD ON THE CURB?
463 NO.
464 BUT I REMEMBER PEOPLE TELLING ME ABOUT IT.
465 OH.
466 WELL, BEN HAS A LITTLE SISTER.
467 YEAH.
468 I HOPE SHE CAN KICK HIS ASS.
469 ( chuckles )
470 I'M GOING TO GET A NEW BAND-AID.
471 HOW ABOUT THE TIME I CUT THE LEGS OFF YOUR MALIBU KEN?
472 THAT WAS YOU?!
473 UH... THEY WERE INFECTED. THEY WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT.
474 AW, MY LITTLE NEPHEW.
475 COME HERE, LITTLE ONE.
476 AW, THERE'S MY LITTLE BABY.
477 HEY, MY LITTLE BOY.
478 OHH...
479 ( kissing )
480 HEY! HE'S NOT CRYING.
481 ( gasping )
482 HEY, HE'S NOT CRYING.
483 ( chuckles )
484 ( crying )
485 YES!
486 THERE'S STILL PIE!
487 ( chuckles )
488 OH, I'M HERE.
489 I'M HERE.
490 HOW'S MY LITTLE BOY, HUH? HUH?
491 YOU WANT DADDY TO CHANGE YOUR DIAPER?
492 HMM? I KNOW. I KNOW.
493 SO, DID YOU HAVE FUN
494 WITH UNCLE JOEY AND UNCLE CHANDLER TODAY?
495 OH, YEAH.
496 HE RODE THE BUS TODAY.
497 OH... WELL...
498 BIG BOY, RIDING THE BU...
499 HEY, I HAVE A QUESTION.
500 HOW COME IT SAYS "PROPERTY OF HUMAN SERVICES" ON HIS BUTT?
501 ( chuckles )
502 YOU...
503 ( chuckles )
504 YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!
505 CAN YOU HOLD BEN FOR A SEC?
506 ALL RIGHT.
507 COME HERE. COME HERE.
508 STAY BACK! I'VE GOT KIWI!
509 RUN, JOEY, RUN!
510 ♪ SMELLY CAT, SMELLY CAT ♪
511 ♪ WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING YOU? ♪
512 NO, NO, NO. I'M SORRY, IT'S
513 ♪ SMELLY CAT, SMELLY CAT ♪
514 ♪ SMELLY CAT, SMELLY CAT ♪
515 BETTER. MUCH BETTER. GOOD.
516 AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
517 DON'T FEEL BAD, 'CAUSE IT'S A HARD SONG.
518 YEAH.
519 DO YOU WANT TO TRY IT AGAIN?
520 YEAH. FROM THE TOP?
521 THERE IS NO TOP.
522 ALL RIGHT?
523 THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF "SMELLY CAT."
524 OH.
525 UM...
526 WHY DON'T YOU JUST FOLLOW ME?
527 OKAY.
528 ♪ SMELLY CAT, SMELLY CAT ♪
529 ♪ WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING YOU? ♪
530 ♪ SMELLY CAT, SMELLY CAT ♪
531 ♪ IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT ♪
532 ( guitar flourish )
533 THAT'S TOO MUCH. SORRY.
534 [Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]
535

S02E07

1 WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME?
2 DO I NOT LOOK FUN ENOUGH?
3 IS THERE SOMETHING... REPELLENT ABOUT ME?
4 SO, HOW WAS THE PARTY?
5 IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN WORSE.
6 A WOMAN LITERALLY PASSED THROUGH ME.
7 SO, WHAT IS IT?
8 AM I HIDEOUSLY UNATTRACTIVE?
9 NO, YOU ARE NOT.
10 YOU ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE.
11 I GO THROUGH THE SAME THING.
12 EVERY TIME I PUT ON A LITTLE WEIGHT
13 I START QUESTIONING EVERYTHING.
14 WHOA, WHOA.
15 I'VE... I'VE PUT ON A LITTLE WEIGHT?
16 DID YOU WANT TO...
17 YEAH.
18 NO, NOT "WEIGHT."
19 YOU KNOW, MORE LIKE "INSULATION."
20 I'M UNEMPLOYED AND IN DIRE NEED OF A PROJECT.
21 YOU WANT TO WORK OUT?
22 I CAN REMAKE YOU.
23 I WOULD, BUT THAT MIGHT GET IN THE WAY
24 OF MY LYING AROUND TIME.
25 PLEASE.
26 COME ON. LET HER DO IT.
27 OKAY, BUT IF WE PUT ON SPANDEX
28 AND MY BOOBS ARE BIGGER THAN YOURS
29 I'M GOING HOME.
30 YOUR BOOBS ARE FINE.
31 I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING.
32 COME HERE. COME HERE.
33 OH... CAN'T... MAKE... HANDS... MEET.
34 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
35 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
36 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
37 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
38 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY, YOUR WEEK ♪
39 ♪ YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
40 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
41 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
42 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
43 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
44 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
45 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
46 OKAY, LET'S DO IT.
47 WHAT?
48 NOTHING. JUST NEVER SEEN YOU IN LITTLE STRETCHY PANTS BEFORE.
49 AND WE'RE CHANGING.
50 GO! GO! GO! GO!
51 ( groans )
52 COME ON, GIVE ME FIVE MORE.
53 FIVE MORE!
54 NO!
55 FIVE MORE AND I'LL FLASH YOU.
56 ONE!
57 TWO!
58 TWO AND A HALF!
59 OKAY, JUST SHOW ME ONE OF THEM.
60 OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
61 OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
62 OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
63 SHE'S INSANE.
64 THE WOMAN IS INSANE.
65 IT'S BEFORE WORK. IT'S AFTER WORK.
66 IT'S DURING WORK.
67 SHE'S GOT ME DOING BUTT CLENCHES AT MY DESK.
68 THEY WON'T BRING ME MY MAIL ANYMORE.
69 PHEEBS, HOW DID IT GO
70 WITH SCOTT LAST NIGHT?
71 IT WAS NICE.
72 TOOK HIM TO A ROMANTIC RESTAURANT.
73 ORDERED CHAMPAGNE. NICE.
74 THE GUY STILL WON'T PUT OUT?
75 NOPE, ZILCH, NOTHIN', HUH-UH.
76 SORRY, PHEEBS. SORRY, PHEEBS.
77 LOOK, I DON'T MIND TAKING IT SLOW.
78 I LIKE HIM A LOT.
79 HE'S REALLY INTERESTING AND HE'S REALLY SWEET.
80 WHY WON'T HE GIVE IT UP?
81 MAYBE HE DRIVES HIS CAR
82 ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD
83 IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
84 NO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
85 HE'S NOT BRITISH.
86 MAYBE HE'S GAY.
87 OH.
88 NO, I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
89 'CAUSE WE WENT DANCING THE OTHER NIGHT
90 AND JUST THE WAY HE HELD ME SO CLOSE
91 AND THE WAY HE WAS LOOKING INTO MY EYES
92 I JUST... I DEFINITELY FELT SOMETHING.
93 BUT HOW MUCH CAN YOU TELL FROM A LOOK?
94 NO, I FELT IT ON MY HIP.
95 YO, BING!
96 RACQUETBALL IN 20 MINUTES.
97 JOEY, BE A PAL.
98 LIFT UP MY HAND AND SMACK HER WITH IT.
99 OH, RACHEL, DON'T LOOK.
100 WHAT?
101 COME ON, YOU GUYS, I DON'T CARE.
102 I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT.
103 WHOA! YOU HAVE A DATE?
104 YEAH. MONICA SET ME UP.
105 WHAT ABOUT ROSS AND...
106 WHAT, MY WHOLE INSANE JEALOUSY THING?
107 WELL, YOU KNOW, AS MUCH FUN AS THAT WAS
108 I'VE DECIDED TO OPT FOR SANITY.
109 YOU'RE REALLY OKAY ABOUT ALL THIS?
110 OH, YEAH. COME ON. I'M MOVING ON.
111 HE CAN PRESS HER UP AGAINST THAT WINDOW
112 AS MUCH AS HE WANTS.
113 FOR ALL I CARE
114 HE CAN THROW HER THROUGH THE DAMN THING.
115 HI, GUYS.
116 MONICA, I FIGURED I'D COME BY TOMORROW MORNING
117 AND PICK UP FLUFFY'S OLD CAT TOYS, OKAY?
118 ONLY IF YOU SAY HIS FULL NAME.
119 CAN I COME OVER TOMORROW
120 AND PICK UP FLUFFY MEOWINGTON'S CAT TOYS?
121 ALL RIGHT.
122 YOU'RE GETTING A CAT?
123 ACTUALLY, WE'RE GETTING A CAT.
124 TOGETHER?
125 UH-HUH.
126 BOTH OF YOU?
127 TOGETHER?
128 IT'LL LIVE HALF THE TIME WITH EACH OF US.
129 OH, WELL, ISN'T THAT JUST LOVELY?
130 THAT'S SOMETHING
131 THE TWO OF YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ENJOY
132 FOR A REALLY, REALLY
133 REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME.
134 HOPEFULLY.
135 WHOA! LOOK AT THAT!
136 I GOT A DATE.
137 WITH A MAN.
138 OKAY.
139 YOU GUYS HAVE A REALLY GOOD NIGHT.
140 AND YOU TWO HAVE A... UH...
141 HAVE A REALLY GOOD CAT.
142 WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TAKE THESE WHEN WE LEAVE.
143 I DON'T KNOW IF MONICA TOLD YOU
144 BUT THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I'VE GONE ON
145 SINCE MY DIVORCE.
146 SO, IF I SEEM A LITTLE NERVOUS.
147 I AM.
148 HOW LONG DO CATS LIVE?
149 I'M SORRY?
150 CATS. HOW LONG DO THEY LIVE?
151 FIGURING YOU DON'T THROW THEM UNDER A BUS OR SOMETHING.
152 UM... MAYBE 15, 16 YEARS.
153 WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT.
154 CHEERS!
155 RIGHT.
156 CLINK.
157 MONICA TOLD YOU I WAS CUTER THAN THIS, DIDN'T SHE?
158 OH, NO, MICHAEL.
159 IT'S NOT YOU.
160 I'M SORRY.
161 IT'S THIS THING.
162 IT'S PROBABLY NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS
163 BUT THIS FRIEND OF MINE IS GETTING A CAT
164 WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.
165 OH. THAT DOES SOUND...
166 HUH.
167 I MEAN, HE JUST STARTED GOING OUT WITH HER.
168 IS THIS GUY AN OLD BOYFRIEND?
169 HA! HA! HA! HA!
170 YEAH, HE WISHES.
171 OH, I'M SORRY.
172 LOOK AT ME.
173 OKAY, MICHAEL, LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU.
174 ALL RIGHT.
175 OKAY.
176 SO...
177 YOU EVER GET A PET WITH A GIRLFRIEND?
178 SO, I FIGURED IT OUT.
179 WHAT?
180 WHY SCOTT DOESN'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME.
181 IT'S 'CAUSE I'M NOT SEXY ENOUGH.
182 OH, PHOEBE, THAT'S CRAZY.
183 WHEN I FIRST MET YOU
184 YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID TO CHANDLER?
185 I SAID, "EXCELLENT BUTT, GREAT RACK."
186 REALLY?
187 THAT'S SO SWEET.
188 I MEAN, I'M OFFICIALLY OFFENDED
189 BUT IT'S SO SWEET.
190 PHEEBS, LOOK.
191 IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS
192 YOU'LL HAVE TO ASK HIM.
193 YOU'RE RIGHT.
194 YOU'RE RIGHT.
195 YOU ARE SO "YUM."
196 I MEAN, IT'S A CAT.
197 YOU KNOW?
198 IT'S A CAT.
199 WHY CAN'T THEY GET ONE OF THOSE BUGS?
200 ONE OF THOSE FRUIT FLIES.
201 THOSE THINGS THAT LIVE FOR A DAY.
202 WHAT ARE THEY CALLED?
203 FRUIT FLIES?
204 YES!
205 THANK YOU.
206 WOULD YOU LIKE ANY DESSERT?
207 NO!
208 NO DESSERT.
209 JUST THE CHECK... PLEASE.
210 OH, NO.
211 YOU'RE NOT HAVING FUN, ARE YOU?
212 NO, NO, I AM.
213 BUT ONLY BECAUSE, FOR THE LAST HOUR AND A HALF
214 I'VE BEEN PLAYING THE MOVIE DINER IN MY HEAD.
215 OH, LOOK AT ME.
216 LOOK AT ME.
217 I'M ON A DATE WITH A REALLY GREAT GUY
218 AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS ROSS
219 AND HIS CAT
220 AND HIS JULIE.
221 I JUST WANT TO GET OVER HIM.
222 GOD, WHY CAN'T I DO THAT?
223 OY!
224 I'VE BEEN THROUGH A DIVORCE.
225 TRUST ME, YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.
226 YOU JUST CAN'T SEE IT NOW
227 BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T HAD ANY CLOSURE.
228 OH!
229 CLOSURE.
230 THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
231 THAT'S WHAT I NEED.
232 GOD, YOU'RE BRILLIANT!
233 WHY DIDN'T I... HOW DO I GET THAT?
234 WELL, THERE'S NO ONE WAY, REALLY.
235 IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW
236 WHATEVER IT TAKES SO YOU CAN FINALLY SAY TO HIM
237 "I'M OVER YOU."
238 "I'M OVER YOU."
239 THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
240 CLOSURE.
241 OH. HELLO.
242 EXCUSE ME.
243 EXCUSE ME.
244 WHOA!
245 HANG ON.
246 WHAT?
247 I NEED TO BORROW YOUR PHONE
248 FOR JUST ONE MINUTE.
249 I'M TALKING.
250 I CAN SEE THAT.
251 JUST ONE PHONE CALL.
252 I'LL BE VERY QUICK.
253 I'LL EVEN PAY FOR IT MYSELF.
254 YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE WEIRD ABOUT YOUR PHONE.
255 Man: ALL RIGHT. FINE.
256 I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
257 THANK YOU.
258 OKAY.
259 MACHINE.
260 JUST WAITING FOR THE BEEP.
261 GOOD.
262 ROSS, HI.
263 IT'S RACHEL.
264 I'M JUST CALLING TO SAY THAT... UM...
265 EVERYTHING'S FINE.
266 AND I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU
267 AND YOUR CAT.
268 WHO, BY THE WAY
269 I THINK YOU SHOULD NAME MICHAEL.
270 AND, YOU KNOW, YOU SEE THERE
271 I'M THINKING OF NAMES
272 SO, OBVIOUSLY, I AM OVER YOU.
273 I... AM OVER...
274 YOU.
275 AND THAT, MY FRIEND
276 IS WHAT THEY CALL "CLOSURE."
277 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
278 NO, NO!
279 MONICA, IT'S SUNDAY MORNING.
280 I'M NOT RUNNING ON A SUNDAY.
281 WHY NOT?
282 BECAUSE IT'S SUNDAY!
283 IT'S GOD'S DAY.
284 HEY, YOU SAY STOP AND WE STOP.
285 ( chuckles ): OKAY!
286 STOP.
287 NO! COME ON! WE CAN'T STOP!
288 COME ON! WE GOT THREE MORE POUNDS TO GO!
289 I AM THE ENERGY TRAIN AND YOU ARE ON BOARD.
290 ( imitating train ): WOO-WOO!
291 WOO-WOO!
292 WOO-WOO!
293 WOO.
294 ( knocking on door )
295 HEY, RACH.
296 ( moans softly )
297 OH. AND HOW WAS THE DATE?
298 UM, I THINK THERE WAS A RESTAURANT.
299 I KNOW THERE WAS WINE.
300 WOW, WELL, UH...
301 ACTUALLY, JULIE'S DOWNSTAIRS GETTING A CAB
302 I JUST NEED
303 THE CAT TOYS.
304 DID MONICA SAY....
305 WHAT, WHY... WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?
306 I'M SO... I DON'T KNOW.
307 I... I FEEL LIKE I HAD A DREAM ABOUT YOU LAST NIGHT.
308 BUT... I DON'T REMEMBER.
309 OKAY.
310 OH, OH, OH.
311 ( clears throat )
312 DID WE SPEAK ON THE PHONE LAST NIGHT?
313 DID YOU CALL ME?
314 NO. I STAYED AT JULIE'S LAST NIGHT.
315 HUH.
316 ACTUALLY, I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN HOME YET.
317 DO YOU MIND IF I CHECK MY MESSAGES?
318 OH, YEAH. GO AHEAD.
319 RACH, I GOT A MESSAGE FROM YOU.
320 WHO'S MICHAEL?
321 OH, MY GOD.
322 OH, MY GOD, ROSS, NO.
323 HANG UP THE PHONE!
324 GIVE ME THE PHONE, ROSS!
325 GIVE ME THE PHONE!
326 GIVE ME THE PHONE!
327 GIVE ME THE..!
328 YOU'RE OVER ME?
329 OH, GOD!
330 WHA? YOU'RE UH...
331 YOU'RE... YOU'RE OVER ME?
332 ( moaning )
333 ( softly ): OH, MY GOD.
334 OH!
335 WHEN... WHEN WERE YOU...
336 UNDER ME?
337 ( moaning ): OH, GOD...
338 RACH?
339 RACHEL, DO YOU...
340 I MEAN, WERE YOU, UH...
341 WHAT?
342 OKAY, OKAY.
343 WELL...
344 BASICALLY, LATELY I'VE, UH...
345 ( clears throat )
346 I'VE, UH, SORT OF HAD FEELINGS FOR YOU.
347 ( sighs )
348 YOU'VE... HAD FEELINGS FOR ME.
349 YEAH? SO? YOU HAD FEELINGS FOR ME FIRST.
350 WHOA!
351 YOU KNOW ABOUT MY...
352 I MEAN, YOU KNOW I HAD...
353 YOU KNOW? YOU...
354 CHANDLER TOLD ME.
355 CHANDLER. WHEN DID HE, WHEN DID HE, WHEN DID HE?
356 WHEN YOU WERE IN CHINA.
357 CHINA.
358 MEETING JULIE.
359 JULIE. JULIE.
360 THAT'S... OH, GOD.
361 JULIE, JULIE.
362 RIGHT. OKAY, I NEED TO LIE DOWN.
363 NO, YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO STAND.
364 I'M GOING TO STAND
365 AND I'M GOING TO WALK.
366 I'M WALKING AND... I AM STANDING.
367 OKAY, SO YOU, UH...
368 AND NOW, WHAT... AND NOW, NOW
369 NOW YOU'RE OVER ME?
370 ARE YOU OVER ME?
371 ( buzzer buzzes )
372 THAT'S... THAT'S JULIE.
373 THAT'S JU... JULIE.
374 JULIE!
375 HI, JULIE!
376 Hi, honey. I've got a cab waiting.
377 I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
378 WAIT, SO, YOU'RE GOING?
379 WELL, OKAY. I HAVE TO.
380 I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW.
381 I MEAN, I'VE UH... YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT A CAB.
382 I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND.
383 I'M GOING TO GO GET A CAT.
384 OKAY, OKAY.
385 CAT.
386 ( singing in Hebrew )
387 ( playing solo )
388 WHY ARE YOU WATCHING A RABBI PLAYING ELECTRIC GUITAR?
389 I CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE.
390 OH. THANK YOU.
391 SO SCOTT ASKED ME
392 TO COME OVER FOR LUNCH TODAY AND I DID.
393 AND..?
394 AND WE DID.
395 ALL RIGHT, PHEEBS!
396 WAY TO GO!
397 YAY ME.
398 SO... SO HOW DID IT HAPPEN?
399 I FINALLY TOOK YOUR ADVICE
400 AND ASKED HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON
401 AND WHAT DID HE SAY?
402 HE SAID THAT HE UNDERSTANDS
403 HOW SEX CAN BE A VERY EMOTIONAL THING FOR A WOMAN
404 AND HE WAS JUST AFRAID THAT I WAS GOING TO GET
405 ALL "IS-HE-GOING-TO-CALL-ME THE-NEXT-DAY?"
406 AND, YOU KNOW, "WHERE-IS-THIS-GOING?"
407 AND BLAH-BLAH-BLAH, SO HE SAID
408 HE WANTED TO HOLD OFF
409 UNTIL HE WAS PREPARED TO BE REALLY SERIOUS.
410 WOW.
411 YEAH. SO I SAID, "OKAY, RELAX, PLEASE."
412 YOU KNOW?
413 I MEAN
414 SEX CAN BE JUST ABOUT TWO PEOPLE RIGHT THERE
415 IN THE MOMENT, YOU KNOW.
416 IF HE WANTS TO SEE ME AGAIN, HE CAN CALL
417 AND IF NOT, THAT'S FINE TOO.
418 SO AFTER A LOT OF TALKING...
419 I CONVINCED HIM.
420 LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT:
421 HE GOT YOU TO BEG TO SLEEP WITH HIM.
422 HE GOT YOU TO SAY HE NEVER HAS TO CALL YOU AGAIN
423 AND
424 HE GOT YOU THINKING THIS IS A GREAT IDEA?
425 UH-HUH.
426 THIS MAN IS MY GOD.
427 GOOD NIGHT, GUNTHER.
428 HI.
429 I DIDN'T GET A CAT.
430 OH, THAT'S, UM...
431 INTERESTING.
432 NO. NO, IT'S NOT INTERESTING, OKAY?
433 IT'S VERY, VERY NOT INTERESTING.
434 IT'S ACTUALLY 100% COMPLETELY
435 THE OPPOSITE OF INTERESTING.
436 I GOT IT, ROSS.
437 YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO TELL ME YOU HAD FEELINGS FOR ME.
438 WHAT?!
439 I WAS DOING GREAT WITH JULIE
440 BEFORE I FOUND OUT.
441 HEY, I WAS DOING GREAT BEFORE I FOUND OUT.
442 YOU THINK IT'S EASY FOR ME TO SEE YOU WITH JULIE?
443 YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING BEFORE I MET HER!
444 I DIDN'T KNOW THEN!
445 HOW COME YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO ME?
446 THERE WAS NEVER A GOOD TIME.
447 RIGHT! YOU ONLY HAD A YEAR.
448 WE ONLY HUNG OUT EVERY NIGHT.
449 NOT... NOT...
450 NOT... EVERY NIGHT.
451 YOU KNOW
452 AND IT'S NOT
453 LIKE I DIDN'T TRY, RACHEL
454 BUT THINGS GOT IN THE WAY
455 YOU KNOW, LIKE ITALIAN GUYS OR EX-FIANCEES
456 OR, OR, OR... ITALIAN GUYS.
457 HEY-- THERE WAS ONE ITALIAN GUY, OKAY?
458 AND DO YOU EVEN HAVE A POINT?
459 THE POINT IS I... I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
460 IT'S TOO LATE.
461 I'M WITH SOMEBODY ELSE. I'M HAPPY.
462 THIS SHIP HAS SAILED.
463 YOU'RE GOING TO JUST PUT AWAY FEELINGS
464 OR WHATEVER YOU FELT?
465 HEY, I'VE BEEN DOING IT SINCE THE NINTH GRADE.
466 FINE. YOU DO THAT
467 ALL RIGHT, ROSS?
468 I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID SHIP!
469 GOOD.
470 GOOD.
471 AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
472 NOW I GOT CLOSURE!
473 OH!
474 ( sobbing softly )
475 TRY THE BOTTOM ONE.
476 MONICA, IT'S 6:30 IN THE MORNING.
477 WE'RE NOT WORKING OUT.
478 IT'S OVER.
479 NO WAY! WITH ONE POUND TO GO? COME ON!
480 ♪ WE'RE WORKING ♪
481 ♪ WE'RE MOVING ♪
482 ♪ WE'RE IN THE ZONE, WE'RE GROOVING. ♪
483 OKAY, I DON'T MIND THE LAST POUND, OKAY?
484 IN FACT, I KIND OF LIKE THE LAST POUND.
485 OKAY?
486 SO DON'T MAKE ME DO ANYTHING
487 THAT I'LL REGRET.
488 OH! WHAT YOU GOING TO DO, FAT BOY?
489 HUH?
490 WHAT?
491 NOTHING. EXCEPT TELL YOU I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL
492 HOW MUCH ENERGY YOU HAVE.
493 WELL! THANKS.
494 I MEAN
495 ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING
496 HOW TOUGH IT'S BEEN FOR YOU TO FIND WORK.
497 WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU...
498 YOU KNOW, I MEAN
499 YOU CAN'T TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU WERE FIRED
500 BECAUSE THEY'D BE DISAPPOINTED.
501 UH-HUH.
502 AND IT'S NOT AS IF YOU HAVE
503 A BOYFRIEND'S SHOULDER TO CRY ON.
504 WELL, NO, BUT, UH...
505 I MEAN, IF IT WERE ME
506 I THINK I'D HAVE DIFFICULTY
507 JUST GETTING OUT OF BED AT ALL.
508 YOU KNOW, I TRY TO STAY POSITIVE.
509 SO, YOU...
510 YOU FEEL LIKE GOING FOR A RUN?
511 ALL RIGHT.
512 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
513 IF YOU WANT, YOU COULD JUST TAKE A NAP RIGHT HERE.
514 OKAY.
515 JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
516 OKAY.
517

S02E08

1 ROSS KISSED ME.
2 NO!
3 OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD!
4 IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
5 OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD!
6 OKAY, ALL RIGHT. WE WANT TO HEAR EVERYTHING.
7 MONICA, GET THE WINE AND UNPLUG THE PHONE.
8 RACHEL, DOES THIS END WELL
9 OR DO WE NEED TO GET TISSUES?
10 OH, IT ENDED VERY WELL.
11 OH...
12 DO NOT START WITHOUT ME.
13 DO NOT START WITHOUT ME!
14 OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
15 LET'S HEAR ABOUT THE KISS.
16 WAS IT LIKE A SOFT BRUSH AGAINST YOUR LIPS
17 OR WAS IT LIKE A...
18 "I GOT TO HAVE YOU NOW" THING?
19 WELL, AT FIRST, IT WAS REALLY INTENSE, YOU KNOW
20 AND THEN... OH, GOD.
21 AND THEN WE JUST SORT OF SUNK INTO IT.
22 SO, WAS HE HOLDING YOU
23 OR WAS HIS HANDS, LIKE, ON YOUR BACK?
24 NO, ACTUALLY, FIRST THEY STARTED ON MY WAIST
25 AND THEN, THEY SLID UP, AND THEN, THEY WERE IN MY HAIR.
26 OH.
27 AND, UH... AND THEN I KISSED HER.
28 TONGUE? YEAH.
29 COOL.
30 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
31 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
32 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
33 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
34 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
35 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
36 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
37 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO POUR ♪
38 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
39 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
40 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
41 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
42 ALL RIGHT, CHECK OUT THIS BAD BOY.
43 12 MEGABYTES OF RAM.
44 500 MEGABYTE HARD DRIVE.
45 BUILT-IN SPREADSHEET CAPABILITIES
46 AND A MODEM THAT TRANSMITS AT OVER 28,000 B.P.S.
47 WOW. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO USE IT FOR?
48 GAMES AND STUFF.
49 THERE ARE NO JOBS.
50 THERE ARE NO JOBS FOR ME.
51 WAIT, HERE'S ONE.
52 UH... WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO COOK NAKED?
53 THERE'S AN AD FOR A NAKED CHEF?
54 NO, BUT IF YOU'RE WILLING TO COOK NAKED
55 THEN YOU MIGHT BE WILLING TO DANCE NAKED
56 AND THEN...
57 HI. HEY. OH, SO, UH...
58 HOW'D YOU MAKE OUT LAST NIGHT?
59 THAT-THAT IS FUNNY.
60 THAT IS PAINFULLY FUNNY.
61 NO, WAIT. WAIT.
62 YEAH, THAT'S JUST PAINFUL.
63 WAIT A MINUTE. I THOUGHT LAST NIGHT WAS GREAT.
64 YEAH, IT WAS, BUT...
65 I GET HOME, OKAY?
66 AND I SEE JULIE'S
67 SALINE SOLUTION ON MY NIGHT TABLE
68 AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF "OH, MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?"
69 HERE I AM, I'M WITH JULIE, THIS INCREDIBLE, GREAT WOMAN
70 WHO I CARE ABOUT AND WHO CARES ABOUT ME
71 AND I'M, LIKE, WHAT, AM I JUST GOING TO THROW ALL THAT AWAY?
72 YOU GOT ALL THAT FROM SALINE SOLUTION?
73 WAIT A MINUTE. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT RACHEL, YOU AND RACHEL.
74 BELIEVE ME, I'VE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT ME AND RACHEL
75 FOR, LIKE, TEN YEARS NOW, BUT NOW, I'M WITH JULIE
76 SO IT'S LIKE, ME AND JULIE, ME AND RACHEL, ME AND JULIE.
77 ME AND RACH...
78 RACHEL, RACHEL. HEY, YOU.
79 HOW ARE YOU?
80 GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
81 GOOD. GOOD.
82 HI, HONEY. HI, JULIE. HI... JULIE. JULIE.
83 UM... HOW ARE YOU?
84 GOOD. GOOD.
85 SO EVERYBODY'S HERE.
86 EVERYBODY'S GOOD.
87 SO, WERE YOU GOING TO PLAY SOMETHING, PHOEBE?
88 OH. WELL, ACTUALLY...
89 PLAY IT.
90 ALL RIGHT.
91 HEY JULIE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WORE LENSES.
92 WHAT? SHH.
93 Phoebe: OKAY, UM... HI.
94 HELLO. HI. OKAY.
95 SO, UM...
96 THIS IS A SONG, UM... ABOUT A LOVE TRIANGLE
97 BETWEEN THREE PEOPLE THAT I MADE UP.
98 UM... IT'S CALLED "TWO OF THEM KISSED LAST NIGHT."
99 ♪ THERE WAS A GIRL ♪
100 ♪ WE'LL CALL HER BETTY ♪
101 ♪ AND A GUY, LET'S CALL HIM NEAL ♪
102 ♪ NOW... ♪
103 ♪ I CAN'T STRESS THIS POINT TOO STRONGLY ♪
104 ♪ THIS STORY ISN'T REAL... ♪
105 ♪ AND NOW OUR NEAL MUST DECIDE ♪
106 ♪ WHO WILL BE THE GIRL THAT HE CASTS ASIDE ♪
107 ♪ WILL BETTY BE THE ONE WHO HE LOVES TRULY ♪
108 ♪ OR WILL IT BE THE ONE WHO WE'LL CALL... LOOLIE? ♪
109 ♪ HE MUST DECIDE ♪
110 ♪ HE MUST DECIDE ♪
111 ♪ EVEN THOUGH I MADE HIM UP ♪
112 ♪ HE MUST DECIDE... ♪
113 WELL, THIS IS A NICE RESUME.
114 NICE, NICE, NICE.
115 MUY IMPRESSIVO.
116 SO, MR. RASTATTER, WHAT EXACTLY DOES THIS JOB ENTAIL?
117 THE AD WASN'T TOO CLEAR.
118 MOCKOLATE.
119 I'M SORRY? MOCKOLATE.
120 IT'S A COMPLETELY SYNTHETIC CHOCOLATE SUBSTITUTE.
121 OOH. YEAH?
122 WELL, GO AHEAD. TRY A PIECE.
123 YEAH, WE THINK MOCKOLATE IS EVEN BETTER THAN CHOCOLATE.
124 ALL RIGHT.
125 MMM-MMM.
126 YEAH?
127 I LOVE HOW IT CRUMBLES.
128 NOW SEE, CHOCOLATE DOESN'T DO THAT. NO, MA'AM.
129 WELL, ANYHOO, WE SHOULD BE GETTING OUR F.D.A. APPROVAL ANY DAY NOW.
130 HOPEFULLY, IN TIME FOR THANKSGIVING.
131 SEE, THE WAY WE LOOK AT IT, CHOCOLATE ALREADY DOMINATES
132 MOST OF YOUR MAJOR FOOD PREPARATION HOLIDAYS--
133 EASTER, CHRISTMAS, WHAT HAVE YOU. MM-HMM.
134 BUT... WE'RE THINKING, GIVEN THE RIGHT MARKETING
135 WE CAN MAKE THANKSGIVING THE MOCKOLATE HOLIDAY.
136 WOW.
137 AREN'T YOU GOING TO SWALLOW THAT?
138 JUST WAITING FOR IT TO STOP BUBBLING.
139 YEAH. ISN'T THAT GREAT?
140 MM.
141 WELL, ANYHOO, UH... WE'RE LOOKING FOR A COUPLE OF CHEFS
142 WHO CAN CREATE SOME THANKSGIVING-THEMED RECIPES.
143 YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED?
144 ABSO...
145 ( swallows )
146 ...LUTELY.
147 ( chuckling )
148 SEE, I LOVE CREATING NEW RECIPES.
149 I LOVE THANKSGIVING, AND, WELL, NOW...
150 I LOVE MOCKOLATE.
151 REALLY?
152 ESPECIALLY THAT AFTERTASTE.
153 THAT'LL LAST YOU TILL CHRISTMAS.
154 ( laughing )
155 HOW ABOUT MOCKOLATE MOUSSE?
156 IT'S NOT... IT'S NOT VERY THANKSGIVING-Y.
157 OKAY. HOW ABOUT PILGRIM MOCKOLATE MOUSSE?
158 WHAT MAKES IT PILGRIM?
159 WE'LL PUT BUCKLES ON IT.
160 HEY. HEY.
161 DID, UH... ROSS CALL?
162 NO, I'M SORRY.
163 WHY DIDN'T HE CALL?
164 HE'S GOING TO STAY WITH JULIE, ISN'T HE?
165 HE'S GOING TO STAY WITH HER AND SHE'S GOING TO BE ALL
166 "HI. I'M JULIE. "ROSS PICKED ME
167 "AND WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE LOTS OF KIDS, AND DIG UP STUFF TOGETHER."
168 NO OFFENSE, BUT THAT SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE HER.
169 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
170 THIS IS LIKE A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE.
171 OH, I KNOW, THIS MUST BE SO HARD.
172 "OH, NO. TWO WOMEN LOVE ME."
173 "THEY'RE BOTH GORGEOUS AND SEXY."
174 "MY WALLET'S TOO SMALL FOR MY FIFTIES
175 AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT."
176 HERE'S A THOUGHT, ROSS-- DON'T TOUCH THE COMPUTER.
177 DON'T EVER TOUCH THE COMPUTER.
178 ROSS, LISTEN.
179 I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU.
180 THREESOME.
181 OKAY, LET'S GET LOGICAL ABOUT THIS. OKAY, WE'LL MAKE A LIST.
182 RACHEL AND JULIE, PROS AND CONS. OH.
183 WE'LL PUT THEIR NAMES IN BOLD WITH DIFFERENT FONTS
184 AND I CAN USE DIFFERENT COLORS FOR EACH COLUMN.
185 CAN'T WE JUST USE A PEN?
186 NO, AMISH BOY.
187 ALL RIGHT, LET'S, UH... LET'S START WITH THE CONS, 'CAUSE THEY'RE MORE FUN.
188 RACHEL FIRST.
189 I DON'T KNOW.
190 I MEAN... ALL RIGHT, I GUESS YOU CAN SAY SHE'S...
191 SHE'S A LITTLE SPOILED SOMETIMES.
192 YOU COULD SAY THAT.
193 I GUESS, YOU KNOW SOMETIMES, SHE'S A LITTLE DITZY
194 AND I'VE SEEN HER BE A LITTLE TOO INTO HER LOOKS.
195 OH, AND LIKE, JULIE AND I, WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON
196 'CAUSE WE'RE BOTH PALEONTOLOGISTS, RIGHT?
197 BUT RACHEL'S JUST A WAITRESS.
198 WAITRESS.
199 GOT IT. YOU GUYS WANT TO PLAY DOOM?
200 OR WE COULD KEEP DOING THIS.
201 WHAT ELSE?
202 I DON'T KNOW.
203 OH, HER ANKLES ARE A LITTLE CHUBBY.
204 ( typing )
205 OKAY. LET'S DO JULIE.
206 WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
207 SHE'S NOT RACHEL.
208 THIS IS PUMPKIN PIE WITH A MOCKOLATE COOKIE CRUMB CRUST.
209 THIS IS MOCKOLATE CRANBERRY CAKE, AND THESE ARE
210 MOCKOLATE CHIP COOKIES, JUST LIKE THE INDIANS SERVED.
211 OH, MY GOD! "OH, MY GOD" GOOD?
212 OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET ME PUT THIS IN MY MOUTH.
213 OH! OH! SWEET LORD!
214 THIS IS WHAT EVIL MUST TASTE LIKE.
215 I'M TELLING YOU, THIS THING WON'T PRINT.
216 YES, I PRESSED THAT BUTTON, LIKE, A HUNDRED TIMES.
217 YOU KNOW, FOR A HOT LINE, YOU'RE NOT SO HOT.
218 WHAT... WHAT IS THAT IN THE BACKGROUND?
219 ARE YOU WATCHING STAR TREK?!
220 HEY. SO HOW'D IT GO WITH JULIE?
221 DID YOU-- DID YOU BREAK HER HEART?
222 YES.
223 IT WAS HORRIBLE.
224 SHE CRIED, I CRIED.
225 SHE THREW THINGS, THEY HIT ME.
226 HMM.
227 ANYWAY...
228 I DID THE RIGHT THING.
229 SO, SPOCK ACTUALLY HUGS HIS FATHER?
230 HEY, DO YOU GUYS HAVE..?
231 HI. HI.
232 WHERE YOU GOING?
233 I, UH, I JUST GOT BACK
234 FROM, UH... FROM JULIE'S.
235 OH. NO, NO, UH... IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
236 IT'S... UM, IT'S THE OTHER THING.
237 WELL... WHAT'S THE OTHER THING? WHAT DO I THINK?
238 WELL, UH...
239 HE BROKE UP WITH JULIE.
240 WELL, GO HUG HER, FOR GOD'S SAKES.
241 REALLY? REALLY.
242 IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOU, RACH.
243 OH, GOD...
244 OH... OH...
245 OH...
246 OH, THIS IS GOOD, THIS IS REALLY GOOD.
247 I KNOW, I KNOW.
248 IT'S... IT'S ALMOST...
249 WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO TAKE A WALK-- JUST US, NOT THEM?
250 OKAY. LET ME GET MY COAT.
251 NO-- HEY! I'LL GET YOUR COAT.
252 OKAY.
253 HE'S GOING TO GET MY COAT.
254 HE'S GOING TO GET MY COAT!
255 OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
256 THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!
257 WHAT'S THAT? WHAT?! NOTHING!
258 WHAT IS THAT? I SAW MY NAME. WHAT IS IT?
259 NO, NO. SEE? SEE?
260 HEY, IT'S PRINTING.
261 HEY, IT'S PRINTING!
262 WELL, WHAT IS IT? LET ME SEE.
263 HEY, SOMEONE ORDER A COAT?
264 ROSS, CHANDLER WROTE SOMETHING ABOUT ME ON HIS COMPUTER
265 AND HE WON'T LET ME SEE.
266 HE WON'T... HE WON'T? HE...
267 BECAUSE ISN'T THAT, ISN'T THAT THE... THE SHORT STORY YOU WERE WRITING?
268 YES, YES, IT IS THE SHORT STORY...
269 THAT I WAS WRITING.
270 AND I'M IN IT? WELL, LET ME READ IT!
271 ( all ) NO. COME ON!
272 HEY, UH, WHY DON'T YOU READ IT TO HER?
273 ALL RIGHT.
274 ( slowly ): "IT WAS SUMMER.
275 "AND IT WAS HOT.
276 RACHEL WAS THERE." HUH?
277 "A LONELY GRAY COUCH.
278 "'OH, LOOK,' CRIED NED.
279 AND THEN THE KINGDOM WAS HIS FOREVER. THE END."
280 THAT'S IT? THAT'S ALL YOU WROTE?
281 YOU'RE THE WORST WRITER IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
282 ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE.
283 THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT ME ON THAT PIECE OF PAPER
284 AND I WANT TO SEE IT.
285 NO, YOU DON'T.
286 ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE.
287 IF YOU GUYS WANT TO BE CHILDREN ABOUT THIS, THAT'S FINE.
288 I DO NOT NEED... TO SEE IT!
289 ( guys yelling )
290 GO, GO, GO!
291 OOH!
292 WHAT IS THIS?
293 THAT IS... THAT'S, THAT'S... UH...
294 ROSS, WHAT IS THIS?
295 THANK YOU.
296 GOOD LUCK.
297 OKAY... JUST REMEMBER HOW CRAZY I AM ABOUT YOU, OKAY?
298 "KIND OF DITZY"?
299 "TOO INTO HER LOOKS"?
300 "SPOILED"? NOW, THAT'S "A LITTLE SPOILED."
301 HE WAS SUPPOSED TO TYPE "LITTLE", THE IDIOT.
302 "JUST A WAITRESS"?
303 NOW, THAT... THAT WAS, UH...
304 I MEAN, AS OPPOSED TO, UH...
305 THE, UH... OKAY, IS THIS OVER YET? RACH?
306 OH! I DO NOT HAVE CHUBBY ANKLES.
307 NO, I... NO, NO, RACH!
308 OKAY, LOOK AT THE OTHER SIDE.
309 LOOK AT JULIE'S COLUMN.
310 "SHE'S NOT RACHEM"?
311 NO... WHAT THE HELL'S A RACHEM?
312 IS THAT SOME STUPID PALEONTOLOGY WORD THAT I WOULDN'T KNOW
313 BECAUSE I'M JUST A WAITRESS?
314 RACH, COME ON! RACH...
315 RACH! RACH! NO, NO, NO!
316 IT'S "SHE'S NOT RACHEL."
317 SHE'S... SHE'S NOT...
318 RA...
319 RACHEL?
320 MY DIARY... MY DIARY-- THAT'S BRILLIANT! I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER IT WAS MY DIARY!
321 SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE ME READ HER MY DIARY!
322 NO, THAT'S TRUE. YOU'D BE A GREAT PERSON TO HAVE AROUND
323 THE DAY AFTER AN EMERGENCY.
324 I CANNOT BELIEVE ROSS EVEN MADE THIS LIST.
325 I KNOW. WHAT A DINKUS.
326 HEY, CUT HIM SOME SLACK.
327 IT WAS CHANDLER'S IDEA.
328 WHAT?! WHAT?!
329 OH, GOOD, I WAS HOPING THAT WOULD COME UP.
330 THIS WAS YOUR IDEA? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
331 LET'S GET SOME PERSPECTIVE HERE, OKAY?
332 THESE THINGS, THEY HAPPEN FOR A REASON.
333 YEAH-- YOU!
334 ALL RIGHT, PHEEBS, BACK ME UP HERE, OKAY?
335 YOU BELIEVE IN THAT KARMA CRAP, DON'T YOU?
336 YEAH. BY THE WAY, GOOD LUCK IN YOUR NEXT LIFE
337 AS A DUNG BEETLE.
338 ( sighs )
339 RACH-- WHOOPS!
340 RACH!
341 HEY! OPEN UP! PLEASE?
342 WHEN SOMEBODY DOES NOT BUZZ YOU IN, ROSS, THAT MEANS "GO AWAY."
343 THAT DOESN'T MEAN "PLEASE CLIMB UP THE FIRE ESCAPE."
344 I JUST WANT TO READ YOU SOMETHING-- YOUR "PRO" LIST.
345 NOT INTERESTED.
346 OKAY. "NUMBER ONE:
347 "THE WAY YOU CRY AT GAME SHOWS.
348 "NUMBER TWO: HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR FRIENDS.
349 "NUMBER THREE: THE WAY YOU PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR "WHEN YOU'RE NERVOUS.
350 "NUMBER FOUR: HOW BRAVE YOU ARE
351 "FOR STARTING YOUR LIFE OVER.
352 "NUMBER FIVE: "HOW GREAT YOU ARE WITH BEN.
353 "NUMBER SIX:
354 THE WAY YOU SMELL."
355 HEY, ROSS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
356 HEY, JOEY, YOU WANT TO OPEN THE WINDOW?
357 WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?
358 I... I'M, UM...
359 OH, MY GOSH, YOU MUST BE FREEZING! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?
360 HOW ABOUT A NICE, STEAMING CUP OF HOT MOCKOLATE?
361 RACH, COME ON, OPEN UP.
362 RACH, COME ON. YOU GOT TO GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE.
363 NO. NO?
364 THAT'S WHAT I SAID. LOOK, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO.
365 NO, YOU GUYS, YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO GO. WE'RE DONE TALKING.
366 I KNOW HOW YOU MUST...
367 NO, YOU DON'T, ROSS.
368 IMAGINE
369 THE WORST THINGS YOU'D THINK ABOUT YOURSELF.
370 NOW, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THE ONE PERSON YOU TRUSTED THE MOST IN THE WORLD
371 NOT ONLY THINKS THEM TOO
372 BUT ACTUALLY USES THEM AS REASONS NOT TO BE WITH YOU.
373 NO, BUT, BUT...
374 SEE, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU IN SPITE OF ALL THOSE THINGS.
375 OH! WELL, THAT'S... THAT'S MIGHTY BIG OF YOU, ROSS.
376 I SAID, DON'T GO!
377 YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THINGS WERE THE OTHER WAY AROUND
378 THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD PUT ON A LIST
379 THAT WOULD EVER MAKE ME NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
380 WELL... THEN I GUESS THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.
381 SEE, I'D NEVER MAKE A LIST.
382 I NEVER KNOW HOW LONG YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
383 IN THIS TYPE OF SITUATION BEFORE YOU CAN TALK AGAIN
384 YOU KNOW?
385 MAYBE A LITTLE LONGER.
386 NOW, IN SOME OF THESE RECIPES
387 THE QUANTITIES MAY SEEM JUST A LITTLE UNUSUAL.
388 LIKE THESE COCONUT-MOCKOLATE HOLIDAY NUT BARS?
389 I'VE INDICATED FOUR CUPS OF COCONUT, FOUR CUPS OF CRUSHED NUT
390 AND ONLY, UH, ONE TABLESPOON OF MOCKOLATE.
391 DOESN'T MATTER. WHAT?
392 OUR F.D.A. APPROVAL DIDN'T COME THROUGH.
393 SOMETHING ABOUT LABORATORY RATS.
394 OH, GOSH, I'M SORRY.
395 YEAH... HELL, ANYHOO, HERE'S YOUR CHECK
396 AND THANK YOU FOR ALL THE TROUBLE YOU WENT THROUGH.
397 UH, LISTEN, YOU DIDN'T EAT A LOT OF IT
398 WHILE YOU WERE COOKING, DID YOU?
399 WELL, UH, I ATE SOME.
400 OH, SOME-- THAT'S FINE. SOME IS FINE.
401 SOME IS NOT "A LOT."
402 OKAY.
403 SO IT DOESN'T BURN WHEN YOU PEE, DOES IT?
404 ( ringing )
405 HELLO? HI.
406 IS THAT HIM AGAIN?
407 TELL HIM I'D COME TO THE PHONE
408 BUT MY ANKLES ARE WEIGHING ME DOWN.
409 LISTEN, I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE BEST TIME.
410 LOOK, CAN... CAN YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME?
411 SURE. WHAT?
412 OKAY.
413 ALL RIGHT.
414 MUSIC?
415 SURE.
416 ( rock tune ending )
417 Deejay: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross.
418 Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did.
419 He hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him.
420 ( love song playing )
421 ( song continues )
422 ( song stops )
423 Deejay: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel
424 and she told us what Ross did.
425 It's pretty appalling, and, Ross, if you're listening
426 I don't want to play your song anymore.
427 Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance?
428 ( heavy metal intro ) Avery, Michelle is sorry she hit you with her car
429 and she hopes you two will work it out.
430 ♪ There's a room where ♪
431 ♪ I can go and ♪
432 ♪ Tell my secrets to ♪
433 ♪ In my room ♪
434 ♪ In my room ♪
435 ♪ In my room ♪
436 ♪ In my room. ♪
437 HI. THANKS FOR COMING IN AGAIN. OH, NOT AT ALL.
438 I HAVE NO MORALS, AND I NEED THE CASH.
439 IT'S LIKE I'M LOOKING IN A MIRROR.
440 ANYWAY, THEY'RE CALLED "FISHTACHIOS."
441 NOW. THEY TASTE EXACTLY LIKE PISTACHIOS, BUT THEY'RE
442 MADE PRIMARILY OF RECONSTITUTED FISH BITS.
443 HERE. TRY ONE. ALL RIGHT...
444 YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING, ARE YOU?
445 CAT HAIR. OH. SORRY.
446

S02E09

1 Phoebe: OOH, OOH, OOH!
2 UGLY NAKED GUY'S DECORATING HIS TREE.
3 AND OH, MY GOD, YOU SHOULD SEE THE SIZE
4 OF HIS CHRISTMAS BALLS.
5 HEY. HEY.
6 HOW MUCH DID YOU GUYS TIP THE SUPER THIS YEAR?
7 WE WERE GOING TO GIVE 50.
8 BUT IF YOU GAVE MORE, WE HATE TO LOOK BAD.
9 ACTUALLY, THIS YEAR, WE JUST MADE HIM HOMEMADE COOKIES.
10 AND 25 IT IS.
11 YOU GAVE HIM COOKIES?
12 MONEY IS SO IMPERSONAL.
13 COOKIES SAYS SOMEONE REALLY CARES.
14 ALL RIGHT, WE'RE BROKE.
15 BUT COOKIES DO SAY THAT.
16 I CAN SEE THAT.
17 A PLATE OF BROWNIES ONCE TOLD ME A LIMERICK.
18 PHEEBS, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
19 WERE THESE, UH, "FUNNY" BROWNIES?
20 NOT ESPECIALLY.
21 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK THEY HAD POT IN THEM.
22 SO, YOU GUYS, WHO ELSE DID YOU TIP WITH COOKIES?
23 UH, THE MAILMAN...
24 THE SUPER...
25 ( thudding )
26 Monica: OH, AND THE NEWSPAPER DELIVERY GUY.
27 OH, MY GOD.
28 Phoebe: WHAT?
29 I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS.
30 Phoebe: OH, WOW!
31 OOH! GOSH!
32 OH, THERE'S A COOKIE SMASHED IN THE SPORTS SECTION.
33 OH, LOOK! AND HE DID MY CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
34 YEAH, BUT NOT VERY WELL.
35 UNLESS "FOURTEEN ACROSS: GERSHWIN MUSICAL" ACTUALLY IS
36 "BITE ME, BITE ME, BITE ME, BITE ME."
37 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
38 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
39 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
40 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
41 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
42 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
43 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
44 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
45 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
46 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
47 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
48 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
49 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S CHRISTMAS ALREADY.
50 I MEAN ONE DAY YOU'RE EATING TURKEY.
51 THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOUR LORDS ARE A-LEAPING
52 AND YOUR GEESE ARE A-LAYING.
53 WHICH IS WHY GEESE ARE SO RELAXED
54 THIS TIME OF YEAR.
55 HEY, GUYS.
56 All: HEY.
57 HEY, RACH.
58 I, UH, GOT YOU A LITTLE PRESENT.
59 I'LL OPEN IT.
60 IT'S A SLINKY.
61 REMEMBER?
62 ♪ WHAT WALKS DOWNSTAIRS ♪
63 ♪ ALONE OR IN PAIRS ♪
64 ♪ EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S... ♪
65 ♪ JUST A BIG SPRING. ♪
66 ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE STILL MAD AT ME
67 BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE...
68 HORRIBLE AND DEGRADING LIST OF REASONS NOT TO BE WITH ME?
69 HOW ABOUT FROM NOW ON WE JUST CALL IT
70 THE "UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT"?
71 HEY, GUNTHER.
72 YOU'VE GOT STAIRS IN YOUR PLACE?
73 YEAH.
74 GO NUTS.
75 HEY, GUYS.
76 Both: HEY.
77 WHAT'S IN THE BAG?
78 MMM, JUST SOME PRESENTS.
79 COME ON, SHOW US WHAT YOU BOUGHT.
80 YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
81 OKAY.
82 OKAY, THIS IS A PICTURE FRAME
83 FROM BEN TO MY PARENTS.
84 AW, THAT'S CUTE.
85 I GOT SOME "HERS AND HERS" TOWELS FOR SUSAN AND CAROL.
86 AND, UH...
87 I GOT THIS BLOUSE FOR MOM.
88 ROSS, THAT IS GORGEOUS.
89 LOOK AT THESE AUTHENTIC FAKE MEDALS.
90 MOM'S GOING TO BE VOTED BEST-DRESSED
91 AT THE MAKE-BELIEVE MILITARY ACADEMY.
92 HEY.
93 HEY, PHEEBS.
94 HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE EVE.
95 YOU TOO.
96 OH, MY GOD.
97 WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
98 UH, MACY'S, THIRD FLOOR.
99 HOME FURNISHINGS.
100 THIS IS MY FATHER.
101 THIS IS A PICTURE OF MY DAD.
102 PHEEBS, THAT'S THE GUY THAT COMES IN THE FRAME.
103 NO. THIS IS MY DAD. I'LL SHOW YOU.
104 PHOEBE, I THOUGHT YOUR DAD WAS IN PRISON.
105 NO, NO. THAT'S MY STEP-DAD.
106 MY REAL DAD'S THE ONE THAT RAN OUT ON US
107 BEFORE I WAS BORN.
108 HOW HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN ON OPRAH?
109 OKAY, LOOK, SEE? THIS IS HIM.
110 MY MOTHER GAVE ME THIS PICTURE BEFORE SHE DIED.
111 SAME GUY.
112 HONEY, UH, THIS IS A PICTURE OF THE FRAME GUY
113 POSING IN FRONT OF A BRIGHT BLUE SCREEN
114 WITH A COLLIE.
115 THAT'S NOT A BLUE SCREEN.
116 IT'S JUST...
117 MAYBE IT WAS JUST REALLY CLEAR THAT DAY.
118 OKAY. I HAVE TO TALK TO MY GRANDMOTHER.
119 Monica: BUT WAIT A MINUTE, HONEY...
120 Men: PHEEBS... PHEEBS...
121 WHOA.
122 WOW.
123 SO, ANYWAY, I'M TRYING TO GET MY BOSS'S EX-WIFE
124 TO SLEEP WITH ME.
125 All: JOEY!
126 OH, BUT WHEN PHOEBE HAS A PROBLEM, EVERYONE'S ALL EARS.
127 "ES-THER LIVINGSTON..."
128 GONE!
129 AND...
130 HI, POOH.
131 HI, GRAM.
132 WHAT YOU DOING?
133 OH, JUST UPDATING THE PHONE BOOK.
134 UM, GRAM?
135 UM, CAN I SEE THE PICTURES OF MY DAD AGAIN?
136 OH.
137 OH, SURE, SURE.
138 UH...
139 HOW COME?
140 JUST, YOU KNOW, TO... SEE THEM.
141 OH, SURE. YEAH.
142 ALL RIGHT, WELL...
143 THIS IS THE ONE OF YOUR FATHER IN A MEADOW.
144 AND, UH, HELPING A LITTLE BOY FLY A KITE.
145 AND HERE HE IS AT A GRADUATION.
146 ANOTHER GRADUATION.
147 ANOTHER GRADUATION.
148 OKAY.
149 IS THIS REALLY MY FATHER?
150 IS IT REALLY YOUR F...
151 I CA...
152 WELL, OF COURSE IT IS.
153 I SMELL SMOKE.
154 MAYBE THAT'S 'CAUSE SOMEONE'S PANTS ARE ON FIRE.
155 WELL, I...
156 YOU KNOW, IN ALL THE YEARS
157 THAT WE HAVE BEEN GRANDMOTHER AND GRANDDAUGHTER
158 YOU HAVE NEVER LIED TO ME.
159 ALL RIGHT, THAT IS NOT YOUR FATHER.
160 THAT'S JUST A PICTURE OF A GUY IN A FRAME.
161 OH, GOD...
162 IT WAS YOUR MOTHER'S IDEA.
163 SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW YOUR REAL FATHER
164 BECAUSE IT HURT HER SO MUCH WHEN HE LEFT.
165 AND I DIDN'T WANT TO GO ALONG WITH IT...
166 BUT THEN SHE DIED
167 AND IT WAS HARDER TO ARGUE WITH HER.
168 NOT IMPOSSIBLE, BUT HARDER.
169 ALL RIGHT, SO...
170 WELL, HE'S NOT A FAMOUS TREE SURGEON?
171 AND THEN I GUESS, OKAY
172 HE DOESN'T LIVE IN A HUT IN BURMA
173 WHERE THERE'S NO PHONES?
174 LAST I HEARD, HE WAS A PHARMACIST
175 SOMEWHERE UPSTATE.
176 OKAY. THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
177 WHY WOULD THE VILLAGERS WORSHIP A PHARMACIST?
178 HONEY...
179 OH.
180 YEAH.
181 ANYWAY, THAT'S ALL I KNOW.
182 THAT...
183 AND THIS.
184 THIS...
185 IS THE REAL HIM.
186 OH.
187 YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER MY FATHER
188 ALL DRESSED UP IN THE RED SUIT
189 WITH THE BIG BLACK BOOTS AND THE PATENT LEATHER BELT...
190 SNEAKING AROUND DOWNSTAIRS.
191 HE DIDN'T WANT ANYBODY TO SEE HIM.
192 BUT HE'D BE DRUNK
193 SO HE'D STUMBLE, CRASH INTO SOMETHING
194 AND WAKE EVERYBODY UP.
195 THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.
196 WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT CHRISTMAS?
197 HI.
198 HEY. ANYONE HEAR FROM PHOEBE YET?
199 NO, NOTHING.
200 I HOPE SHE'S OKAY.
201 I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH.
202 HOW DO YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH?
203 SHE TOLD US.
204 SO WHAT'D YOU GOT THERE, MONICA?
205 JUST SOME STUFF FOR THE PARTY.
206 SHOULDN'T YOU GUYS BE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING?
207 YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN YOUR PRESENTS YET?
208 TOMORROW'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
209 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
210 DON'T YOU HAVE TO BE CLAYMATION TO SAY STUFF LIKE THAT?
211 MON, I DON'T THINK THE MAILMAN LIKED YOUR COOKIES.
212 HERE ARE THE ORNAMENTS YOUR MOM SENT.
213 ( splinters rattling )
214 WELL...
215 MAYBE THE MAILMAN LIKED THE COOKIES.
216 WE JUST DIDN'T GIVE HIM ENOUGH.
217 MONICA, PIGEONS LEARN FASTER THAN YOU.
218 ( both giggling )
219 HEY, RACH... YOU KNOW WHAT?
220 I THINK I KNOW WHAT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
221 HOW ABOUT YOU MAKE A LIST ABOUT ME?
222 FORGET IT, ROSS.
223 I WON'T STAND HERE
224 AND MAKE A LIST...
225 OKAY. YOU'RE WHINY.
226 YOU ARE... YOU'RE OBSESSIVE.
227 YOU ARE INSECURE.
228 YOU'RE GUTLESS.
229 YOU DON'T JUST SEIZE THE DAY.
230 YOU LIKED ME FOR, WHAT, A YEAR
231 AND YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
232 AND, UH... OH, YOU WEAR TOO MUCH OF THAT GEL IN YOUR HAIR.
233 SEE? THERE... YOU, UH...
234 ALL RIGHT. YOU DID WHAT I SAID.
235 YEAH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
236 YOU'RE RIGHT. I DO FEEL BETTER.
237 THANK YOU, ROSS.
238 YEAH. IN ALBANY.
239 COULD I HAVE THE NUMBER OF FRANK BUFFAY?
240 OKAY. UM, IN ITHACA?
241 ALL RIGHT, UM, SARATOGA?
242 ONEONTA?
243 ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
244 YOU SHOULDN'T CALL YOURSELF "INFORMATION."
245 HEY.
246 HELLO, GRANDMA.
247 IF THAT IS, IN FACT, YOUR REAL NAME.
248 COME ON NOW, POOH.
249 DON'T STILL BE MAD AT ME.
250 HOW'S IT GOING?
251 NOT SO GOOD.
252 UPSTATE'S PRETTY BIG.
253 HE'S PRETTY SMALL. YOU DO THE MATH.
254 WELL, I THINK YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.
255 OH, HONEY, I KNOW HE'S YOUR DADDY
256 BUT TO ME, HE'S STILL THE IRRESPONSIBLE CREEP
257 WHO KNOCKED UP YOUR MOM AND STOLE HER GREMLIN.
258 I KNOW, I JUST...
259 I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO HE WAS, YOU KNOW...
260 YEAH. I KNOW.
261 OKAY.
262 I WASN'T COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU
263 WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT, UH...
264 I DIDN'T KNOW EXACTLY WHERE HE LIVED.
265 WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
266 HE LIVES AT 74 LAUREL DRIVE IN MIDDLETOWN.
267 IF YOU HIT THE DIARY QUEEN, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.
268 HERE-- TAKE MY CAB.
269 WOW!
270 THANK YOU.
271 NOW, REMEMBER, NOBODY ELSE DRIVES THAT CAB.
272 UH-HUH. GOT IT.
273 I'M GOING TO SEE MY DAD.
274 OH, THANK YOU.
275 OH... OH...
276 OKAY.
277 WISH ME LUCK, GRANDPA.
278 HEY. PHOEBE HERE WITH THE CAB YET?
279 YEAH, SHE BROUGHT THE INVISIBLE CAB.
280 HOP IN.
281 SHE BETTER GET HERE SOON.
282 THE OUTLET STORES CLOSE AT 7:00.
283 DON'T WORRY. I FIGURE TWO HOURS TO PHOEBE'S DAD'S HOUSE.
284 THEY'LL MEET, CHAT, SWAP LIFE STORIES.
285 WE'LL STILL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.
286 HEY, HERE SHE COMES.
287 HEY, HEY!
288 HEY.
289 HI.
290 HEY!
291 HEY.
292 CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
293 IN LIKE TWO HOURS, I'M GOING TO HAVE A DAD. EESHK!
294 EESHK.
295 YEAH, BIG STUFF.
296 OKAY, LET'S GO.
297 OKAY.
298 HERE. YOU HAVE TO HOLD THIS.
299 OKAY.
300 "BRAKE: LEFT, GAS: RIGHT?"
301 UH-HUH. YEAH. THAT'S MY CHEAT SHEET.
302 WHERE'S MY SEAT BELT?
303 OH, NO, THAT SIDE DOESN'T HAVE ONE.
304 THE PARAMEDICS HAD TO CUT THROUGH IT.
305 HEY!
306 HEY.
307 COME ON, JUST TELL ME, PLEASE.
308 PLEASE.
309 FOR THE 16th TIME
310 NO, I DO NOT THINK YOU'RE OBSESSIVE.
311 OH, GOSH, IT'S HOT IN HERE.
312 RACH, GET THE HEAT.
313 ROSS, COULD YOU TURN THE HEAT DOWN, PLEASE?
314 SURE. AND BY THE WAY, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
315 BETWEEN BEING OBSESSIVE...
316 ROSS, THE HEAT.
317 FINE. OKAY.
318 HEAT, HEAT, HEAT.
319 AND I'M THE OBSESSIVE ONE.
320 OKAY, THIS WAY IS ON, SO THIS IS...
321 OFF.
322 DID YOU JUST BREAK THE RADIATOR?
323 NO.
324 NO, I WAS TURNING THE KNOB AND, AND...
325 HERE IT IS.
326 WELL, PUT IT BACK.
327 IT, UH...
328 IT WON'T GO BACK.
329 OH... I'LL CALL THE SUPER.
330 HERE. LET ME TRY.
331 OH. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
332 I FORGOT ABOUT YOUR ABILITY TO FUSE METAL.
333 HEY, IT'S FUNNY'S COUSIN, NOT FUNNY.
334 HI, MR. TREEGER.
335 HI, IT'S RACHEL GREEN FROM UPSTAIRS.
336 YES, SOMEBODY BROKE OUR KNOB ON THE RADIATOR
337 AND IT'S REALLY HOT IN HERE.
338 YES, IT'S HOT ENOUGH TO BAKE COOKIES.
339 WELL, DO YOU THINK WE COULD HAVE A NEW ONE BY 6:00?
340 WHAT? NO, NO. TUESDAY?
341 WE CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TUESDAY.
342 WE'RE HAVING A PARTY TONIGHT.
343 OKAY, TIP THE MAN.
344 NO, IF HE DOESN'T LIKE OUR COOKIES, TOO BAD.
345 I'M NOT GOING TO BE BLACKMAILED.
346 LOOK, IF WORSE COMES TO WORSE, IT GETS A LITTLE WARM
347 WE'LL CALL IT A THEME PARTY.
348 HEY, HERE'S A THEME--
349 COME ON IN, LIVE LIKE BACON.
350 Phoebe: OOH, THIS IS IT.
351 74.
352 OH, SO THAT'S WHAT THIS IS FOR.
353 WOW. THIS IS IT.
354 I'M GOING TO MEET MY DAD.
355 THIS IS LIKE THE BIGGEST THING EVER, HUH?
356 YEAH. SURE IS.
357 OKAY.
358 HERE I GO. I'M GOING IN.
359 ALL RIGHT.
360 GOOD LUCK, PHEEBS.
361 OKAY.
362 HERE I GO.
363 HERE I GO.
364 I'M GOING.
365 HI. WELCOME TO OUR TROPICAL CHRISTMAS PARTY.
366 YOU CAN PUT YOUR COATS AND SWEATERS
367 AND PANTS AND SHIRTS IN THE BEDROOM.
368 IT'S HARD TO TELL BECAUSE I'M SWEATING
369 BUT I USE EXACTLY WHAT THE GEL BOTTLE SAYS.
370 AN AMOUNT ABOUT THE SIZE OF A PEA.
371 HOW CAN THAT BE TOO MUCH?
372 Monica: ICE?
373 ICE? ICE SQUARES, ANYONE?
374 TAKE A NAPKIN.
375 ALL RIGHT.
376 MONICA.
377 MONICA.
378 MONICA, YOUR GUESTS
379 ARE TURNING INTO JERKY, OKAY?
380 REALLY?
381 I'M PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE.
382 HEY, HEY, HEY, GET IN LINE, BUDDY.
383 I WAS NEXT.
384 MR. TREEGER.
385 YOU SAID THERE WAS A PARTY.
386 OH, YEAH.
387 WELL, HEY, WELCOME TO OUR SAUNA.
388 IS IT HOT?
389 MY BODY ALWAYS STAYS COOL.
390 PROBABLY BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH SKIN.
391 HEY, CHEESE.
392 ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE CHANCE.
393 MONICA, GIVE HIM CASH. RACHEL, GIVE HIM YOUR EARRINGS.
394 SOMETHING. NOW. ANYTHING.
395 NO.
396 I WILL NOT CAVE.
397 YEAH, I'M WITH MON.
398 ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
399 YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAY I NEVER SEIZE THE DAY?
400 EVEN THOUGH HE'S YOUR SUPER, I'M SEIZING.
401 MR. TREEGER?
402 HERE IS 50 BUCKS.
403 MERRY CHRISTMAS.
404 OH, WOW. I DIDN'T GET YOU ANYTHING.
405 HERE'S FIVE BACK.
406 NO, NO. THAT'S YOUR CHRISTMAS TIP.
407 ALL RIGHT? OH, HEY.
408 DO YOU THINK THERE'S A CHANCE YOU CAN FIX THAT RADIATOR NOW?
409 NO CAN DO. LIKE I TOLD THE GIRL
410 I CAN'T GET A NEW KNOB UNTIL TUESDAY.
411 ROSS?
412 YEAH.
413 LOOKS LIKE HE'S PLAYING BASEBALL.
414 YOU MEAN HARDBALL?
415 WHATEVER.
416 WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
417 EXCUSE ME. I'M SEIZING.
418 MR. TREEGER...
419 HERE'S ANOTHER 50.
420 HAPPY HANUKKAH.
421 WILL THIS HELP WITH THE KNOB-GETTING?
422 NO.
423 THE PLACE IS NOT OPEN TILL TUESDAY.
424 AM I NOT SAYING IT RIGHT?
425 SO, WAIT...
426 YOU REALLY DID LIKE MY COOKIES?
427 OH, YEAH.
428 THEY WERE SO PERSONAL.
429 IT REALLY SHOWED YOU CARED.
430 NICE SEIZING... GEL-BOY.
431 SO, UH...
432 IS THIS, UH...
433 MISTLETOE?
434 ( laughs )
435 NO, AC... NO.
436 UH, THAT... THAT IS BASIL.
437 OH.
438 'CAUSE IF IT WAS MISTLETOE
439 I WAS GOING TO KISS YOU.
440 HO-HO!
441 YEAH, NO. IT'S STILL BASIL.
442 ♪ CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE ♪
443 ♪ JACK FROST NIPPING AT YOUR NOSE ♪
444 OKAY.
445 HOW FAR DID YOU GET?
446 MAILBOX.
447 ALL RIGHT.
448 WE'RE GETTING CLOSER.
449 UH-HUH.
450 PHEEBS, WHAT'S GOING ON?
451 NO, IT'S JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW
452 IT'S A WHOLE MESS OF STUFF, YOU KNOW
453 BECAUSE... LIKE YESTERDAY, YOU KNOW
454 MY DAD WAS THIS, LIKE, FAMOUS BURMA TREE SURGEON GUY
455 AND, YOU KNOW, NOW HE'S A PHARMACIST GUY.
456 WELL, MAYBE
457 HE'S THIS REALLY COOL PHARMACIST GUY.
458 YEAH, MAYBE.
459 YEAH.
460 YOU KNOW, AND I'LL KNOCK ON THE DOOR
461 AND HE'LL HUG ME AND I'LL HAVE A DAD.
462 YOU KNOW, AND I'LL GO TO HIS PHARMACY
463 AND EVERYONE WILL BE REALLY NICE TO ME
464 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, I'M FRANK'S DAUGHTER.
465 WELL, SO WHY NOT GO KNOCK?
466 WELL, 'CAUSE, I MEAN, WHAT IF...
467 WHAT IF HE'S NOT THIS GREAT DAD GUY?
468 I MEAN, WHAT IF HE'S JUST STILL THE DIRTBAG
469 WHO RAN OUT ON MY MOM AND US?
470 YEAH. HMM.
471 YOU KNOW WHAT?
472 I'VE ALREADY LOST A FAKE DAD THIS WEEK
473 AND...
474 I DON'T THINK I'M READY TO LOSE A REAL ONE.
475 PHEEBS, THAT'S OKAY.
476 YOU TOOK A BIG STEP TODAY.
477 YEAH?
478 YEAH.
479 AND SOMEDAY WHEN YOU'RE READY
480 YOU'LL MAKE IT PAST THE HEDGES.
481 AND WHEN YOU DO, HE'LL BE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.
482 YOU GUYS...
483 I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR SHOPPING.
484 OH, THAT'S OKAY.
485 WE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
486 UH... LISTEN, PHEEBS, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GOING IN THERE
487 BUT YOU THINK IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT
488 IF I WENT IN AND USED HIS BATHROOM?
489 THAT'S FINE. NEVER MIND.
490 I JUST...
491 COOL. SNOW.
492 KIND OF LIKE A BLANK CANVAS.
493 HO-HO-HO-HOLY CRAP, IS IT HOT IN HERE.
494 HEY, YOU MIND IF I TURN THE HEAT DOWN?
495 HEY, WE COULD'VE USED THAT KIND OF THINKING EARLIER.
496 Ross: HEY, PHEEBS, HOW DID IT GO?
497 OH... I COULDN'T GO IN.
498 Monica: OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY.
499 WELL, ARE YOU OKAY?
500 YEAH, YEAH. NO, IT'S OKAY.
501 'CAUSE, I MEAN, I KNOW HE'S THERE
502 SO THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW.
503 HEY, GUYS, IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.
504 MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.
505 OH, THAT'S RIGHT!
506 MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
507 HEY, MONICA, THE KNOB WAS BROKEN
508 SO I JUST TURNED IT OFF FROM UNDERNEATH.
509 I HOPE THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
510 Joey: RACH, THESE ARE FOR YOU.
511 WIPER BLADES.
512 I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAR.
513 NO, BUT WITH THIS NEW CAR SMELL
514 YOU'LL THINK YOU DO!
515 THERE.
516 OKAY, PHEEBS, YOUR TURN.
517 OH! TOILET SEAT COVERS!
518 IT'S THAT WHAT YOU GOT WHEN I GOT GAS?
519 UH-HUH. UH-HUH.
520 YOU GUYS...
521 OKAY. AND FOR ROSS...
522 MR. SWEET TOOTH...
523 YOU GOT ME A COLA DRINK?
524 AND... A LEMON-LIME!
525 WOW...
526 WELL, THIS...
527 THIS IS TOO MUCH.
528 I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD GET YOU ANOTHER SWEATER.
529 NO.
530 AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST...
531 THEY'RE RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.
532

S02E10

1 JOEY, WOULD YOU SLOW DOWN?
2 THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BE SOLD OUT OF PAPERS
3 AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING.
4 I'M EXCITED.
5 I'VE NEVER GOTTEN REVIEWED BEFORE.
6 YOU WERE SO AMAZING AS THE KING. I'M REALLY IMPRESSED. I WAS.
7 ALTHOUGH YOU KNOW WHAT?
8 YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER WEARING UNDERWEAR NEXT TIME.
9 YEAH, 'CAUSE WHEN YOU SAT DOWN ON YOUR THRONE,
10 YOU COULD KIND OF SEE YOUR... ROYAL SUBJECTS.
11 HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS!
12 "THE ONLY THING WORSE
13 "THAN THE MINDLESS, ADOLESCENT DIRECTION
14 "IS JOSEPH TRIBBIANI'S
15 DISTURBINGLY UNSKILLED PORTRAYAL OF THE KING."
16 OKAY, LOOK, THAT IS ONE GUY'S OPINION.
17 ALL RIGHT? PHEEBS, READ YOURS.
18 "THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN THE MINDLESS,
19 ADOLESCENT DIRECTION..."
20 DOES ANYBODY HAVE ONE FROM A DIFFERENT PAPER?
21 ROSS, READ YOURS.
22 I DON'T WANT TO.
23 JOEY, HONEY, THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.
24 MAYBE THEY DO. I'VE BEEN DOING THIS TEN YEARS
25 AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANYWHERE. THERE'S GOT TO BE A REASON.
26 COME ON, MAN, YOU'RE JUST PAYING YOUR DUES.
27 NO, NO. IT'S TOO HARD.
28 IT'S NOT WORTH IT. I QUIT.
29 ( PROTESTING )
30 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT ONE MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
31 I BELIEVE THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND.
32 "IN A MEDIOCRE PLAY, JOSEPH TRIBBIANI
33 "WAS ABLE TO ACHIEVE BRILLIANT NEW LEVELS OF...
34 "CONTINUED ON 153.
35 ...SUCKING."
36 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU ♪
37 ♪ LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
38 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
39 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
40 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
41 ♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
42 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
43 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
44 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO POUR ♪
45 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
46 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
47 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
48 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
49 WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WANTED TO BE A VETERINARIAN,
50 BUT THEN I FOUND OUT YOU HAVE TO PUT
51 YOUR HANDS INTO COWS AND STUFF.
52 HI.
53 Joey: HEY.
54 Phoebe: ARE-ARE YOU OKAY?
55 YEAH, YEAH, JUST A TOUGH DAY AT WORK.
56 A STEGOSAURUS FELL OVER AND TRAPPED A KID.
57 I KNOW THIS JACKET.
58 THIS IS FUN BOBBY'S JACKET.
59 WHERE IS HE? WHAT?
60 HE'S HERE, ISN'T HE?
61 MAYBE. DON'T TOY WITH ME.
62 GELLER! FUN BOBBY!
63 HEY! WHOA, YOU BEEN WORKING OUT, HUH?
64 NOT AT ALL.
65 I LOVE THIS GUY.
66 HEY, I WAS SO PSYCHED TO HEAR YOU'RE BACK WITH MY SISTER.
67 YOU AND ME BOTH.
68 SO WHAT DID I MISS? COME ON.
69 WE WERE TRYING TO MAKE JOEY FEEL BETTER.
70 HEY, DO YOU NEED ME TO PICK YOU UP?
71 NO, I'M ALL RIGHT, MAN, REALLY.
72 NO, I'M PICKING YOU UP.
73 HEY, NO, SERIOUSLY, I DON'T NEED YOU TO...
74 ALL RIGHT! IT STILL WORKS.
75 OKAY. NOW, BEFORE I GO, DOES ANYBODY ELSE NEED TO BE PICKED UP?
76 I'M STILL GOING TO GO.
77 OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU LATER, BABE.
78 PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION COMING UP.
79 YOU CAN AVERT YOUR EYES.
80 SEE YA. Group: BYE.
81 FUN BOBBY IS SO GREAT.
82 OH, ISN'T HE?
83 I REALLY THINK THIS TIME IT MAY WORK WITH HIM.
84 HE MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD
85 AND I'VE BEEN FEELING SO LOUSY
86 THE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS-- NO JOB, NO BOYFRIEND.
87 AT LEAST MY CUP IS HALF FULL.
88 HALF FULL OF LOVE.
89 AND FOR OUR TWO-WEEK ANNIVERSARY HE'S GOING TO TAKE ME
90 TO HIS COUSIN'S CABIN FOR THE WEEKEND.
91 CABIN OF LOVE.
92 WE WENT THROUGH A LOT OF WINE TONIGHT, YOU GUYS.
93 I ONLY HAD TWO GLASSES.
94 I JUST HAD A GLASS. TWO.
95 I HAD ONE GLASS. I HAD ABOUT A MUGFUL IN THIS LOVELY
96 "I GOT BONED AT THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY" MUG.
97 OKAY, SO THAT'S...
98 THAT'S, WHAT, TWO BOTTLES
99 AND YET, SOMEHOW WE WENT THROUGH FIVE?
100 OH. OOH.
101 OH.
102 SO WHAT? SO HE DRANK A LOT TONIGHT.
103 YEAH, BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I DON'T THINK
104 I'VE EVER SEEN FUN BOBBY WITHOUT A DRINK IN HIS HAND.
105 YEAH, AND OOH, YEAH, YOU KNOW, DID YOU NOTICE HOW HE ALWAYS
106 STARTS HIS STORIES WITH, "OKAY, I WAS SO WASTED"
107 OR, "WE WERE SO BOMBED," OR, "SO I WAKE UP
108 AND I'M IN THIS DUMPSTER IN CONNECTICUT."
109 MONICA, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH HIM WHEN HE WASN'T DRINKING?
110 WELL, WE JUST HAPPEN TO GO TO A LOT OF PLACES WHERE YOU MIGHT DRINK.
111 I MEAN, HOW DO YOU GO TO A WINE TASTING WITHOUT HAVING A DRINK?
112 OR TO A CLUB, OR TO THE... ZOO?
113 RACH, DOES THIS HAVE NON-FAT MILK?
114 UM... I DON'T KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU TASTE IT?
115 MMM. NO.
116 OH, WELL, TOO LATE. SORRY. YOU ALREADY HAD SOME.
117 WHAT DO YOU SAY WE MAKE THESE COFFEES IRISH?
118 ( Phoebe clearing throat ) UM...
119 CAKE!
120 YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO GET SOME CAKE.
121 YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN MAKING
122 AN AWFUL LOT OF STUFF "IRISH" LATELY.
123 WELL, I WOULD MAKE THEM BELGIAN, BUT THE WAFFLES
124 ARE HARD TO GET INTO THAT FLASK.
125 BOBBY.
126 YEAH, OKAY.
127 LOOK, MAYBE THIS IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS
128 OR MAYBE IT IS, I DON'T KNOW
129 BUT, UM, I'M KIND OF WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
130 OKAY, LOOK, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME SOMEBODY'S
131 SAID SOMETHING TO ME ABOUT THIS
132 BUT I DON'T KNOW. I ALWAYS MADE EXCUSES ABOUT IT
133 LIKE "I'M JUST A SOCIAL DRINKER."
134 OR "HEY, COME ON, IT'S FLAG DAY."
135 SO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING NOW?
136 I GUESS I'M SAYING I'LL TRY AND QUIT.
137 I KIND OF LIKE THAT YOU WORRY ABOUT ME.
138 SO, WHAT'S GOING ON, HUH?
139 I AM GOING TO TRY AND QUIT DRINKING.
140 OH, WHY?
141 HEY. HEY.
142 HEY. HEY.
143 GUESS WHO'S BACK IN SHOW BUSINESS?
144 OOH! OOH! LORNE GREENE?
145 NO. NO, PHEEBS. YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE HE'S DEAD.
146 OH, NO.
147 OKAY, I GUESS IT'S GOING TO SEEM KIND OF BITTERSWEET NOW
148 BUT JOEY, THAT'S WHO.
149 OH! REALLY?
150 MY AGENT JUST CALLED ME WITH AN AUDITION FOR DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
151 KICK ASS!
152 WE HAVE TO CELEBRATE. YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?
153 WE SHOULD DO LIKE A SOAP OPERA THEME.
154 HEY, YEAH. WE COULD ALL SLEEP TOGETHER,
155 AND THEN ONE OF US COULD GET AMNESIA.
156 HEY, RACH, WHAT TIME DO YOU GET OFF?
157 WE'RE ALL GOING TO DO SOMETHING TONIGHT.
158 UM, WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M ALREADY DONE
159 BUT I'VE KIND OF GOT PLANS.
160 ( gasping ) YOU HAVE OTHER FRIENDS?
161 YEAH. I, UH, I HAVE... I HAVE A DATE.
162 WHAT? WITH A MAN?
163 WHAT? WHAT IS SO STRANGE ABOUT ME HAVING A DATE?
164 WHAT ABOUT ROSS?
165 ARE YOU STILL MAD AT HIM 'CAUSE HE MADE THAT LIST ABOUT YOU?
166 NO, NO, I'M NOT MAD AT HIM.
167 I'M NOT REALLY ANYTHING AT HIM ANYMORE.
168 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DON'T KNOW.
169 I... WHATEVER I WAS FEELING, I'M... NOT.
170 BUT YOU GUYS CAME SO CLOSE.
171 OH, I KNOW. I'M SORRY, YOU GUYS. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE
172 TO GET USED TO THE FACT THAT I WILL NOT BE DATING ROSS.
173 HERE HE IS. HI.
174 GUYS, THIS IS RUSS.
175 HI.
176 NO, I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE NOT TALENTED.
177 YOU'RE VERY TALENTED.
178 IT'S JUST THAT WITH THE BIRD DEAD AND ALL
179 THERE'S VERY LITTLE ACT LEFT.
180 OH, HONEY, GIVE ME A BREAK, WILL YOU--
181 OH. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
182 WELL, THERE'S MY FAVORITE CLIENT.
183 SO, TELL ME, DARLING, HOW WAS THE AUDITION?
184 I THINK IT WENT PRETTY WELL.
185 I GOT A CALLBACK FOR THURSDAY.
186 JOEY, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME ECSTATIC?
187 NO.
188 WELL, HERE IT IS.
189 OKAY. LISTEN, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
190 THE NETWORK CASTING LADY...
191 OH, ISN'T LORI A DOLL?
192 YEAH YEAH, SHE'S GREAT BUT I KIND OF GOT THE FEELING
193 THAT SHE WAS SORT OF COMING ONTO ME
194 AND I DEFINITELY WOULD GET THE PART
195 IF I WOULD HAVE, YOU KNOW...
196 IF I WOULD HAVE SENT THE LITTLE GENERAL IN.
197 OH.
198 I SEE.
199 WELL, I'M JUST GOING TO PUT IN A CALL HERE
200 AND WE'LL FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON
201 AND STRAIGHTEN IT OUT. YEAH, HI.
202 LORI, PLEASE.
203 HI, DARLING.
204 SO, HOW ABOUT JOEY TRIBBIANI FOR THE PART OF THE CAB DRIVER?
205 ISN'T HE TERRIFIC?
206 UH-HUH.
207 UH-HUH.
208 OKAY, DOLL, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
209 YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SLEEP WITH HER.
210 WHAT'S THE MATTER? FUN BOBBY.
211 WHAT, ISN'T HE SOBER?
212 HE'S SOBER, ALL RIGHT.
213 JUST TURNS OUT THAT FUN BOBBY WAS FUN FOR A REASON.
214 OH. OKAY.
215 ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO, SWEETIE.
216 THANKS.
217 YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY?
218 OH, GOD, YES.
219 THERE ARE NO HARDWARE STORES OPEN PAST MIDNIGHT IN THE VILLAGE.
220 THAT IS FUNNY.
221 I NEEDED TO BUY A HAMMER THE OTHER NIGHT
222 AND I'M OUT WALKING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD
223 BUT APPARENTLY, THERE ARE NO HARDWARE STORES
224 OPEN PAST MIDNIGHT IN THE VILLAGE.
225 SAY, HONEY, DON'T YOU HAVE TO BE AT YOUR INTERVIEW NOW?
226 OH, YEAH.
227 SEE YOU GUYS.
228 BYE...
229 RIDICULOUSLY DULL BOBBY.
230 OH, MY GOD.
231 IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
232 NOT THAT BAD?
233 DID YOU NOT HEAR THE HAMMER STORY?
234 OKAY, OKAY. DON'T GET ALL SQUINKY.
235 MAYBE IT WAS THE KIND OF STORY WHERE YOU HAD TO BE THERE.
236 BUT I'M GOING TO BE THERE,
237 FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
238 I CAN'T BREAK UP WITH HIM. I'M THE ONE WHO MADE HIM QUIT DRINKING.
239 HE'S DULL BECAUSE OF ME.
240 DON'T SAY THAT.
241 HE'S PROBABLY ALWAYS BEEN DULL.
242 YOU JUST, YOU KNOW, SET IT FREE.
243 HI. HEY, ROSS. BAH!
244 HI, RUSS. I'VE JUST GOT TWO MORE TABLES TO CLEAN AND THEN WE'LL GO, OKAY?
245 OKAY. I'LL JUST SIT HERE
246 AND CHAT WITH YOUR, UH,
247 FRIEND TYPE PEOPLE.
248 RACHEL. YEAH. HI.
249 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, RIGHT? WAITRESSING?
250 WELL, YEAH, BUT NO. I MEAN, UM, OKAY.
251 DOESN'T RUSS JUST REMIND YOU OF SOMEONE?
252 HUH. BOB SAGET?
253 OH, YEAH.
254 NO, NO, NO. OH, OH.
255 HI. OH, MY, OH.
256 WHAT'S WRONG? OKAY.
257 SHE'S JUST UPSET BECAUSE SHE
258 BUTTERED A SPIDER INTO HER TOAST THIS MORNING.
259 ALL RIGHT.
260 LISTEN, PHEEBS, THIS IS GOING TO BE OKAY.
261 ROSS, RUSS. RUSS, ROSS.
262 HI. HI.
263 ARE YOU A, UH, FRIEND OF RACHEL'S?
264 YES. YES, I AM. ARE YOU A, UH, A FRIEND OF RACHEL'S?
265 ACTUALLY, I'M, UH, KIND OF, UH
266 YOU KNOW, UH...
267 A DATE TYPE THING OF RACHEL'S.
268 A DATE?
269 YEAH. I'M HER DATE.
270 OH. OH, YOU'RE, UH...
271 OH, YOU'RE THE DATE?
272 THIS IS ACTUALLY GOOD
273 BECAUSE IF WE EVER LOSE ROSS, WE HAVE A SPARE.
274 OH, YOU ARE THE, UH, PALEONTOLOGIST.
275 YES. YES, I AM.
276 AND YOU ARE A...
277 PERIODONTIST.
278 SEE, THEY'RE AS DIFFERENT AS NIGHT AND...
279 LATER THAT NIGHT.
280 WELL, I AM GOING TO GET A BEVERAGE.
281 IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU. DITTO.
282 I, UH, WELL, I MET RUSS.
283 OH.
284 HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE.
285 WELL, WE'RE NOT SEEING EACH OTHER, SO...
286 WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THERE'S A WOMAN AT THE MUSEUM
287 WHO'S CURATOR OF MOTHS AND OTHER, UH...
288 WINGED THINGS
289 WHO'S, UH...
290 LET IT BE KNOWN THAT SHE IS DRAWN TO ME
291 MUCH LIKE A... WELL, YOU KNOW.
292 WELL, SO FAR I'VE BEEN KEEPING HER AT BAY
293 BUT IF THIS IS THE DEAL, THEN...
294 WELL, YEAH, THIS IS THE DEAL.
295 OKAY, WELL, HAVE A NICE EVENING. THANK YOU.
296 RUSS, YOU READY? YEAH.
297 BYE. BYE.
298 SHE'S DATING? SHE'S DATING?
299 YES. YES, BUT DID YOU SEE WHO SHE WAS DATING?
300 WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
301 DO YOU NOT SEE IT?
302 SEE WHAT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE SEES IN... THAT GOOBER.
303 AND IT... AND IT TAKES HIM, WHAT?
304 LIKE, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, UH, UH, HELLO
305 A WEEK TO GET OUT A SENTENCE?
306 YEAH, IT'S ANNOYING, ISN'T IT?
307 YEAH.
308 HEY. HEY.
309 WHOA. SO I'M GUESSING YOU DIDN'T GET THE PART.
310 OR ITALY CALLED AND SAID IT WAS HUNGRY.
311 THE PART'S MINE IF I WANT IT. OH, MY GOD!
312 YEAH, IF I'M WILLING TO SLEEP WITH THE CASTING LADY.
313 OH, MY... GOD?
314 TEN YEARS I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A BREAK LIKE THIS, CHANDLER. TEN YEARS.
315 I MEAN, DAYS OF OUR LIVES--
316 THAT'S ACTUALLY ON TELEVISION.
317 SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
318 I GUESS I COULD SLEEP WITH HER.
319 BUT HOW CAN I DO THAT?
320 I'VE GOT A POP-UP BOOK
321 THAT TOLD ME EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW.
322 I'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH SOMEONE FOR A PART.
323 WELL, IS SHE..?
324 SORRY.
325 IS SHE GOOD-LOOKING?
326 YEAH, SHE'S TOTALLY GOOD-LOOKING.
327 IF I MET HER IN A BAR OR SOMETHING
328 I'D BE BUYING HER BREAKFAST.
329 YOU KNOW, AFTER HAVING SLEPT WITH HER.
330 YOU KNOW, MAYBE THIS ISN'T SUCH A BIG DEAL.
331 THE WAY THAT I SEE IT IS YOU GET A GREAT JOB AND YOU GET TO HAVE SEX.
332 THROW IN A TREE AND A FAT GUY
333 AND YOU'VE GOT CHRISTMAS.
334 I JUST DON'T THINK THAT I WANT IT THAT WAY THOUGH, YOU KNOW?
335 I MEAN, LET'S SAY I DO MAKE IT.
336 I'M ALWAYS GOING TO LOOK BACK AND WONDER
337 IF IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY TALENT
338 OR BECAUSE OF, YOU KNOW...
339 THE LITTLE GENERAL.
340 DIDN'T YOU USED TO CALL IT THE "LITTLE MAJOR"?
341 YEAH, BUT AFTER DENISE DiMARCO, I HAD TO PROMOTE IT.
342 CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING FROM THE BAR?
343 YES, I WOULD LIKE SOMETHING.
344 NO. NO, THANK YOU.
345 IF YOU WANT A DRINK, IT'S OKAY WITH ME. I'VE GOT TO GET USED TO IT.
346 NO, REALLY, I WOULDN'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT IT.
347 JUST SOME WATER.
348 SO THE LIGHT WENT OUT IN MY REFRIGERATOR--
349 I'D LIKE A SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS WITH A TWIST.
350 HEY, WE'RE HAVING SOME FUN NOW, HUH, ROSS?
351 WANT TO DO ANOTHER ONE, HUH, RUSS?
352 OKAY, 11 LETTERS.
353 "ATOMIC ELEMENT NUMBER 101."
354 ENDS IN "IUM".
355 DYSPROSIUM?
356 DYSPROSIUM?
357 TRY MENDELEVIUM.
358 AND WEENIE NUMBER TWO HAS IT.
359 UNLESS, OF COURSE, NINE DOWN-- "KNIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN"
360 WAS SUNG BY THE DOODY BLUES.
361 YOU DON'T SEE IT?
362 YOU ACTUALLY DON'T SEE IT?
363 WHAT?
364 HONEY, YOU'RE DATING ROSS.
365 NO, PHEEBS, I'M DATING RUSS.
366 RUSS IS ROSS. RUSS, ROSS.
367 STEVE, SLEEVE.
368 OKAY, NO ONE IS NAMED SLEEVE.
369 PHOEBE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
370 OTHER THAN THEIR NAMES BEING SIMILAR
371 I'M SORRY, I DO NOT SEE WHAT YOU'RE SEEING.
372 FOR YOUR INFORMATION
373 IT'S A CARD SHARP, NOT A CARD SHARK.
374 YOU COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG.
375 YOU COULD TRY, BUT YOU WOULD NOT BE SUCCESSFUL.
376 OKAY, I'M GOING TO GET SOME MORE COFFEE
377 BEFORE THE PINCHING AND EYE POKING BEGINS.
378 I KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS.
379 OH, YOU DO, DO YOU?
380 MM-HM. YOU'RE JEALOUS.
381 UH... OF WHAT?
382 YOU'RE JEALOUS BECAUSE I'M A REAL DOCTOR.
383 HEY, YOU'RE A DOCTOR OF GUMS.
384 THAT'S THE SMALLEST BODY PART YOU CAN MAJOR IN.
385 IT'S LIKE, DAY ONE: FLOSS.
386 DAY TWO: HERE'S YOUR DIPLOMA.
387 NOW YOU LISTEN... NO, NO, LET ME FINISH.
388 NO, LET ME FINISH.
389 NO, YOU LET ME FIN--
390 HI. HI.
391 EW.
392 EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EW...
393 DID JOEY SAY WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO WHEN HE LEFT?
394 NO. I DON'T EVEN THINK HE KNEW.
395 HEY, WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH SOMEBODY TO GET A GREAT JOB?
396 I DON'T KNOW. WHO WOULD I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH?
397 ME.
398 WHY WOULD I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH YOU?
399 IT'S MY GAME. YOU WANT THE JOB, OR NOT?
400 HI. HEY.
401 MORNING.
402 WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
403 BOBBY AND I ARE GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND, REMEMBER?
404 WHAT'S ALL THE BOTTLES OF LIQUOR?
405 WHAT'S GOING ON? IS BOBBY DRINKING AGAIN?
406 NO, THIS IS NOT FOR HIM; THIS IS FOR ME.
407 THAT WAY HE'S STILL SOBER, BUT I FIND HIS STORIES
408 ABOUT SHOELACES MUCH MORE AMUSING.
409 ( three slow knocks )
410 GOD, EVEN HIS KNOCK IS BORING.
411 HI. I'LL BE READY IN JUST A SECOND.
412 COULD I TALK TO YOU A MINUTE?
413 SURE.
414 THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO SAY.
415 OH, GOD! YOU FELL OFF THE WAGON.
416 NO, NO.
417 IT'S ABOUT YOU.
418 WHAT ABOUT ME?
419 I THINK YOU MAY HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM.
420 WHAT? THESE?
421 NO, THESE ARE, UM... FOR CUTS AND SCRAPES.
422 LOOK, I AM JUST NOT STRONG ENOUGH
423 TO BE IN A CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
424 OH, SHOOT.
425 WELL, ANYWAY, I HOPE WE CAN BE FRIENDS.
426 OKAY.
427 TAKE CARE. OKAY, YOU TOO.
428 BYE.
429 WHAT HAPPENED?
430 WELL, WE KIND OF BROKE UP.
431 All: OH...
432 DOES ANYBODY WANT THESE?
433 I'LL TAKE ONE.
434 SOMETIMES I LIKE TO HOLD STUFF LIKE THIS AND PRETEND I'M A GIANT.
435 HEY. HEY. HOW'D THE CALLBACK GO?
436 IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE. I WALKED IN THERE, AND SHE WAS ALL OVER ME.
437 SO, WHAT'D YOU DO? I COULDN'T DO IT.
438 I TOLD HER I DIDN'T WANT TO GET THE PART THAT WAY.
439 GOOD FOR YOU. BUT WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
440 BUT THEN AFTER I LEFT HER OFFICE
441 SHE CAUGHT UP WITH ME AT THE ELEVATOR
442 AND OFFERED ME AN EVEN BIGGER PART.
443 SO, AND?
444 SO, YOU ARE NOW LOOKING
445 AT DR. DRAKE RAMORAY, NEUROSURGEON
446 RECURRING IN AT LEAST FOUR EPISODES!
447 ( cheering )
448 ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO SHOWER.
449 HI.
450 OH, HEY. HI.
451 I GUESS YOU GUYS HEARD RACHEL DUMPED ME.
452 YEAH, I'M SORRY, MAN.
453 ALL SHE SAID WAS I REMIND HER TOO MUCH OF SOMEBODY.
454 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO SHE'S TALKING ABOUT?
455 UM... OH, I DO.
456 IT'S BOB SAGET.
457 SHE HATES HIM.
458 HEY.
459 HEY, JULIE.
460 HOW ARE YOU DOING?
461 I DON'T KNOW.
462 IT'S DEFINITELY WEIRD NOT BEING WITH ROSS
463 BUT I GUESS I'M DOING OKAY.
464 ACTUALLY, I'VE GOT SOME OF HIS STUFF THAT HE...
465

S02E11

1 OKAY, HERE'S HIS DIAPER BAG
2 AND HIS, UH, MR. WINKY
3 AND, UH... OH.
4 HIM. HI.
5 SO HOW DID EVERYTHING GO?
6 OH, GREAT. GREAT.
7 THERE WAS A PROJECTILE, UH, THROWING UP INCIDENT
8 BUT HE STARTED IT.
9 ( both chuckling )
10 WELL, WE'VE GOT TO GO.
11 OKAY.
12 ( clearing throat )
13 OH, RIGHT.
14 UM, I'VE GOT SOME NEWS.
15 IT'S ABOUT US.
16 OH, YOU AND ME?
17 UH, NO, SUSAN AND ME.
18 THE OTHER US.
19 OKAY.
20 WE'RE, UH...
21 WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.
22 AS IN "I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU WIFE AND WIFE" MARRIED?
23 ANYWAY, WE'D LIKE YOU TO COME
24 BUT WE TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
25 YEAH. WELL, WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO COME?
26 I HAD FUN AT THE FIRST WEDDING.
27 LOOK, I JUST THOUGHT... NO, NO, NO, NO.
28 I MEAN, WHY SHOULDN'T I BE HAPPY FOR YOU?
29 YOU KNOW, I MEAN, WHAT WOULD IT SAY ABOUT ME
30 IF I COULDN'T, UH, REVEL IN YOUR JOY--
31 AND I'M REVELING, BABY, BELIEVE ME.
32 IS YOUR FINGER CAUGHT IN THAT CHAIR?
33 MM-HMM.
34 WANT US TO GO?
35 UH-HUH.
36 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
37 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
38 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
39 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
40 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
41 ♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
42 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
43 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
44 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
45 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
46 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
47 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
48 THIS IS SO COOL.
49 YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO BE ON TELEVISION.
50 I KNOW. IT REALLY HIT ME LAST NIGHT.
51 I'M GOING TO BE ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
52 AND THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT ALL OF US
53 AND HOW THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
54 YES!
55 All: WHAT?
56 CAROL AND SUSAN'S CATERER
57 HAD A MOUNTAIN BIKE ACCIDENT THIS WEEKEND
58 AND SHE'S IN A FULL BODY CAST.
59 All: YES!
60 THEY WANT ME TO DO IT, WHICH IS COOL
61 SINCE I'VE NEVER CATERED, I NEED THE MONEY, AND...
62 THIS ISN'T A PROBLEM, IS IT?
63 WOULD IT MATTER?
64 OH, YOU ARE SO GREAT.
65 THANK YOU.
66 ARE YOU REALLY NOT GOING?
67 I'M REALLY NOT GOING.
68 I MEAN, I DON'T GET IT.
69 THEY ALREADY LIVE TOGETHER.
70 WHY DO THEY NEED TO GET MARRIED?
71 BECAUSE THEY LOVE EACH OTHER
72 AND THEY WANT TO CELEBRATE THAT LOVE
73 WITH THE PEOPLE THAT ARE CLOSE TO THEM.
74 IF YOU WANT TO CALL THAT A REASON.
75 ♪ WHO'S THE BITTEREST MAN IN THE LIVING ROOM? ♪
76 ♪ THE BITTEREST MAN IN THE LIVING ROOM? ♪
77 HI, NEIGHBOR.
78 ROSS, I THOUGHT YOU WERE OVER THIS.
79 BETH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS, OKAY?
80 SHE'S MY EX-WIFE.
81 IF SHE WERE MARRYING A GUY
82 NONE OF YOU WOULD EXPECT ME TO BE THERE.
83 HEY, IF SHE WERE MARRYING A GUY
84 SHE'D BE, LIKE, THE WORST LESBIAN EVER.
85 DID I MISS IT? DID I MISS IT?
86 NO, NO, I'M ON RIGHT AFTER THIS GUY SHOOTS HIMSELF.
87 WHOA, SHE'S PRETTY.
88 YEAH.
89 OH, AND SHE'S REALLY NICE TOO.
90 SHE TAUGHT ME ALL ABOUT, YOU KNOW
91 HOW TO WORK WITH THE CAMERAS
92 AND "SMELL THE FART" ACTING.
93 HUH.
94 I'M SORRY...
95 WHAT? EXCUSE ME? WHAT?
96 IT'S LIKE, YOU GOT SO MANY LINES
97 TO LEARN SO FAST
98 THAT SOMETIMES YOU NEED A MINUTE
99 TO REMEMBER YOUR NEXT ONE
100 SO WHILE YOU'RE THINKING OF IT
101 YOU TAKE THIS BIG PAUSE, WHERE YOU LOOK ALL INTENSE
102 YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS.
103 OKAY. OHH.
104 ( gunshot on TV )
105 OH, HERE'S MY SCENE! HERE'S MY SCENE!
106 Mrs. Wallace? Yes?
107 I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray
108 your sister's neurosurgeon.
109 Tell me, is she going to be all right?
110 I'm afraid the situation
111 is much more dire than we'd expected.
112 Your sister is suffering from a...
113 a subcranial hematoma.
114 ( exhaling )
115 Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee.
116 NICE! ( squealing )
117 EXCELLENT! GREAT!
118 YOU KNOW, FOR A MINUTE THERE I THOUGHT YOU WERE
119 ACTUALLY TRYING TO SMELL SOMETHING.
120 DO IT AGAIN! ALL RIGHT.
121 "DAMN IT, BRAVERMAN, IT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE CHART."
122 ( all cheering )
123 THAT'S GREAT. ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GET TO WORK.
124 I GOT A BIG DINOSAUR BONE TO INSPECT.
125 NO, NO. NO, THAT'S ME.
126 OH, RIGHT.
127 OH.
128 HELLO. OH. THANKS.
129 I COULDN'T, UH...
130 IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
131 UM, NO.
132 HUH-UH. UM...
133 ONE OF MY CLIENTS DIED
134 ON THE MASSAGE TABLE TODAY.
135 OH! OH, MY GOD.
136 THAT'S A LITTLE MORE RELAXED THAN YOU WANT THEM TO GET.
137 YEAH, UH-HUH.
138 UM, SHE WAS, YOU KNOW, 82 YEARS OLD
139 AND, UM, HER NAME WAS, UM, MRS. ADELMAN.
140 OH, HONEY.
141 YEAH, IT'S JUST SO STRANGE, I MEAN...
142 SHE PROBABLY WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND THOUGHT
143 "ALL RIGHT, SO I'LL HAVE SOME BREAKFAST
144 "AND I'LL TAKE A LITTLE WALK
145 AND THEN I'LL HAVE MY MASSAGE."
146 LITTLE DID SHE KNOW
147 GOD WAS THINKING, "OKAY, BUT THAT'S IT."
148 OHH! OH, BUT THE WEIRDEST THING WAS, OKAY...
149 I WAS CLEANSING HER AURA WHEN IT HAPPENED?
150 AND WHEN-WHEN HER SPIRIT LEFT HER BODY
151 I DON'T THINK IT WENT VERY FAR.
152 WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
153 I-I-I THINK IT WENT INTO ME.
154 GOD, THIS IS SO HARD.
155 I CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN LAMB OR DUCK.
156 WELL, OF COURSE, LAMBS ARE SCARIER.
157 OTHERWISE, THE MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED
158 SILENCE OF THE DUCKS.
159 OKAY, WHO ORDERED WHAT?
160 OH, I BELIEVE I HAD THE HALF-DRUNK CAPPUCCINO
161 WITH THE LIPSTICK ON THE RIM.
162 YES, AND THIS WITH THE CIGARETTE BUTT IN IT--
163 IS THAT DECAF?
164 OH, GOD.
165 YOU'RE SO UPTIGHT ABOUT YOUR MOM COMING.
166 I KNOW, BUT IT'S THE FIRST TIME
167 AND I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK
168 THAT BECAUSE I DIDN'T MARRY BARRY
169 MY LIFE IS CRAP, YOU KNOW?
170 ( as Mrs. Adelman ): TALK ABOUT CRAP...
171 TRY STELLA NEIDMAN TELLING THE STORY
172 OF HER AND ROD STEIGER FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME.
173 UH, PHEEBS, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK
174 THIS LADY WILL BE WITH US?
175 ( speaking normally ): I DON'T KNOW.
176 SHE OBVIOUSLY HAS SOME KIND OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS.
177 SIT UP!
178 THERE SHE IS!
179 MOM!
180 HI, SWEETIE!
181 ( both cooing )
182 OH...
183 SO THIS IS WHERE YOU WORK.
184 OH, IT'S WONDERFUL.
185 IS IT A LIVING ROOM?
186 IS IT A RESTAURANT?
187 WHO CAN TELL?
188 WELL, I GUESS THAT'S THE FUN.
189 PRETTY MUCH.
190 HERE, MEET MY FRIENDS.
191 MONICA! YOU LOOK GORGEOUS!
192 OH, MY, THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU
193 IT WAS EAT OR BE EATEN.
194 UH, THIS IS JOEY. HI.
195 THIS IS PHOEBE. HELLO.
196 AND THIS IS CHANDLER
197 AND YOU REMEMBER ROSS. HI.
198 OH, HELLO, ROSS.
199 HI, MRS. GREEN.
200 SO...
201 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY DAUGHTER IN THE APRON
202 WITH THE BIG JOB?
203 OH, MOM.
204 OH, HEY.
205 IF YOU DIDN'T POUR THE COFFEE
206 NO ONE WOULD HAVE ANYTHING TO DRINK.
207 BELIEVE ME. SOMETIMES THAT HAPPENS.
208 THIS IS JUST SO EXCITING.
209 YOU KNOW, I NEVER WORKED.
210 I WENT STRAIGHT FROM MY FATHER'S HOUSE
211 TO THE SORORITY HOUSE TO MY HUSBAND'S HOUSE.
212 I AM JUST SO PROUD OF YOU.
213 OH, REALLY? YES.
214 ( as Mrs. Adelman ): I KNOW WHO IT IS YOU REMIND ME OF--
215 EVELYN DERMER.
216 COURSE, THAT'S BEFORE SHE GOT THE LOUSY FACELIFT.
217 NOW SHE LOOKS LIKE SOUPY SALES.
218 PHEEBS, WHO'S EVELYN DERMER?
219 I DON'T KNOW. WHO'S SOUPY SALES?
220 Sandra: OH, MY GOD!
221 THERE'S AN UNATTRACTIVE NUDE MAN
222 PLAYING THE CELLO.
223 YEAH, WELL, JUST BE GLAD
224 HE'S NOT PLAYING A SMALLER INSTRUMENT.
225 ( laughing )
226 YOU HAVE SOME LIFE HERE, SWEETIE.
227 I KNOW, AND MOM I REALIZE YOU AND DADDY WERE UPSET
228 WHEN I DIDN'T MARRY BARRY AND GET THE BIG HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS
229 WITH ALL THE SECURITY AND EVERYTHING
230 BUT, GOD, THIS IS JUST SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME, YOU KNOW?
231 I DO KNOW.
232 YOU DIDN'T LOVE BARRY, HONEY
233 AND I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU THIS HAPPY.
234 I LOOK AT YOU AND I THINK
235 "OH, THIS IS WHAT I WANT."
236 FOR... ME.
237 WELL, NOT JUST FOR YOU.
238 WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
239 I'M, UH...
240 CONSIDERING LEAVING YOUR FATHER.
241 ALL RIGHT, TELL ME IF THIS IS TOO CUTE...
242 LESBIAN WEDDING...
243 CHICKEN BREASTS.
244 OH, GOD.
245 I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK.
246 WHAT? IT'S NOT LIKE I'M PUTTING
247 LITTLE NIPPLES ON THEM.
248 YOU HAD NO IDEA THEY WEREN'T GETTING ALONG? NONE.
249 THEY DIDN'T FIGHT A LOT?
250 NO. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TALK TO EACH OTHER.
251 MY GOD, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW
252 THEY WERE HAVING PROBLEMS?
253 YOU KNOW, IN MY DAY, DIVORCE WAS NOT AN OPTION.
254 HEY, LOOK WHO'S UP.
255 OH, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.
256 WHEN I WAS LITTLE EVERYBODY'S PARENTS WERE GETTING DIVORCED.
257 I JUST FIGURED AS A GROWN-UP
258 I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS.
259 IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU CAN LOOK AT THIS AS FLATTERING?
260 SHE'S DOING IT BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE MORE LIKE YOU.
261 WELL, THEN, YOU KNOW COULDN'T SHE HAVE
262 JUST COPIED MY HAIRCUT?
263 WHEN MY PARENTS GOT DIVORCED, THEY SENT ME TO THIS SHRINK
264 AND SHE TOLD ME ALL KIDS HAVE A TENDENCY TO BLAME THEMSELVES
265 BUT IN YOUR CASE, IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF TRUE.
266 OOH, THAT'S HIM.
267 DAMN.
268 MY MAIL-ORDER GRANDFATHER HASN'T COME YET.
269 PHOEBE? YES.
270 HI, MR. ADELMAN. NICE TO SEE YOU.
271 THANKS FOR MEETING ME.
272 THAT'S ALL RIGHT ALTHOUGH YOU DID CUT
273 INTO MY VERY BUSY DAY OF SITTING.
274 OH.
275 OH, DO YOU WANT TO SIT?
276 OH, NO, NO. PLEASE. I SPENT MOST OF MID-MORNING
277 TRYING TO STAND UP.
278 NOW, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, MY DEAR?
279 OKAY, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS, BUT, UM...
280 I THINK WHEN YOUR WIFE'S SPIRIT LEFT HER BODY
281 IT KIND OF STUCK AROUND... IN ME.
282 YOU'RE SAYING MY WIFE IS IN YOU?
283 YEAH.
284 OKAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE ME
285 BUT CAN YOU THINK
286 OF ANY UNFINISHED BUSINESS SHE MIGHT HAVE HAD?
287 LIKE, ANY REASON SHE'D BE HANGING AROUND?
288 WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU, DEAR.
289 THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF IS THAT SHE ALWAYS USED TO SAY
290 THAT BEFORE SHE DIED, SHE WANTED TO SEE EVERYTHING.
291 EVERYTHING?
292 EVERYTHING.
293 WHOA! THAT'S A LOT OF STUFF.
294 OH, WAIT! I REMEMBER.
295 SHE ALSO SAID SHE WANTED TO SLEEP WITH ME
296 ONE LAST TIME.
297 UH, I'M SORRY.
298 THERE'S LAUGHING IN MY HEAD.
299 WORTH A SHOT, HUH?
300 Sandra: OH, LOOK AT THIS!
301 OH, THESE ARE ALL HALLOWEEN
302 THREE YEARS AGO.
303 OH, AND LOOK, HERE'S BARRY.
304 OH, DID HE HAVE TO COME STRAIGHT FROM THE OFFICE?
305 OH, NO. THAT WAS HIS COSTUME.
306 SEE, HE'S ACTUALLY AN ORTHODONTIST
307 BUT HE CAME AS A REGULAR DENTIST.
308 YOU GUYS, REMEMBER WHEN I SAID BEFORE
309 "THANK YOU, BUT I DON'T REALLY NEED YOUR HELP"?
310 ACTUALLY, WHAT I THINK YOU SAID WAS
311 "DON'T TOUCH THAT AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY KITCHEN."
312 REALLY? WEIRD.
313 ANYWAY, SEE, I PLANNED EVERYTHING REALLY WELL.
314 I PLANNED AND I PLANNED AND I PLANNED
315 BUT I DON'T THINK I PLANNED ENOUGH TIME TO ACTUALLY DO IT.
316 MON, YOU WANT SOME HELP?
317 IF YOU WANT.
318 HEY.
319 Both: HEY.
320 WHAT A DAY.
321 OH, I TOOK HER EVERYWHERE.
322 THE MUSEUM OF MODERN ART, ROCKEFELLER CENTER,
323 THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
324 SHE'S STILL WITH YOU. YEAH.
325 I GUESS SHE HASN'T SEEN EVERYTHING YET.
326 OH, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
327 SHE HAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AGAIN.
328 ( as Mrs. Adelman ): OH, SUCH A PRETTY FACE.
329 ( giggles )
330 OH, THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.
331 JUST THE GIRLS.
332 DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?
333 DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY MARIJUANA?
334 GOD!
335 ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
336 NO ONE'S SMOKING POT AROUND ALL THIS FOOD.
337 WELL, THAT'S FINE.
338 I NEVER DID IT.
339 I JUST THOUGHT I MIGHT.
340 SO... WHAT'S NEW IN SEX?
341 ( groans )
342 "WHAT'S NEW IN SEX"?
343 THE ONLY MAN I'VE EVER BEEN WITH IS YOUR FATHER.
344 I'M DICING. I'M DICING. I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.
345 I MEAN THIS AS NO OFFENSE TO YOUR DAD, SWEETIE
346 BUT I WAS THINKING THERE MIGHT BE MORE.
347 OH, I'M SORRY. YOU KNOW WHAT?
348 I CANNOT HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU.
349 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
350 GOD, YOU DROP THIS BOMB ON ME
351 BEFORE YOU EVEN TELL DADDY.
352 WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? DO YOU WANT MY BLESSING?
353 YOU WANT ME TO TALK YOU OUT OF IT? NO.
354 THEN WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
355 I FIGURED OF ALL PEOPLE, YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND.
356 WHY ON EARTH WOULD I UNDERSTAND THIS?
357 YOU DIDN'T MARRY YOUR BARRY, HONEY
358 BUT I MARRIED MINE.
359 OH.
360 ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, WE'RE IN TROUBLE HERE.
361 WE'VE GOT 12 HOURS AND 36 MINUTES LEFT.
362 MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!
363 MONICA, I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD HAVE GERMAN SUBTITLES.
364 JOEY, SPEED IT UP!
365 I'M SORRY. IT'S THE PIGS!
366 THEY'RE RELUCTANT TO GET IN THE BLANKETS.
367 MONICA, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
368 I THOUGHT YOU HAD THIS ALL PLANNED OUT.
369 DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY?
370 IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
371 DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME CRY?
372 SIR, NO, SIR!
373 ALL RIGHT, YOU.
374 WHAT? NO.
375 LOOK, I TOLD YOU.
376 I AM NOT A PART OF THIS THING.
377 ALL RIGHT, LOOK, ROSS.
378 I REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH CAROL AND SUSAN
379 AND I FEEL FOR YOU, BUT IF YOU DON'T HELP ME COOK
380 I'M GOING TO TAKE A BUNCH OF THOSE LITTLE HOT DOGS
381 AND CREATE A NEW APPETIZER CALLED "PIGS-IN-ROSS."
382 ALL RIGHT, BALL A MELON!
383 HEY, HOW COME I'M STUCK DICING
384 WHEN HE GETS TO BALL A MELON?
385 ( knocking at door )
386 HI. HI. HOW'S IT GOING?
387 OH, IT'S GOING GREAT, RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.
388 GOT MY LITTLE HAPPY HELPERS.
389 ( all groan )
390 WELL, THAT'S FINE. WHATEVER.
391 WHAT'S THE MATTER?
392 NOTHING.
393 OKAY, EVERYTHING.
394 I THINK WE'RE CALLING OFF THE WEDDING.
395 WHAT?
396 YOU'RE STILL GOING TO PAY ME, RIGHT?
397 OR SOMETHING A LITTLE LESS SELFISH.
398 WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT HAPPENED?
399 MY PARENTS CALLED THIS AFTERNOON
400 TO SAY THEY WEREN'T COMING.
401 OH, MY GOD.
402 I KNEW THEY WERE HAVING TROUBLE
403 WITH THIS WHOLE THING BUT... BUT THEY'RE MY PARENTS.
404 THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME AWAY AND EVERYTHING.
405 OKAY. I'M SORRY.
406 THEN SUSAN AND I GOT IN THIS BIG FIGHT
407 'CAUSE I SAID MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL OFF THE WEDDING
408 AND THEN SHE SAID, "WE'RE NOT DOING THIS FOR THEM.
409 WE'RE DOING IT FOR US," AND IF I COULDN'T SEE THAT
410 THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL OFF THE WEDDING
411 AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
412 I, UH, CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO SAY THIS
413 BUT I THINK SUSAN'S RIGHT.
414 YOU DO?
415 LOOK, DO YOU LOVE HER?
416 AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE TOO EMPHATIC ABOUT THIS.
417 OF COURSE, I DO.
418 WELL, THEN, THAT'S IT
419 AND IF GEORGE AND ADELAIDE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT
420 THEN THE HELL WITH THEM.
421 LOOK. I MEAN...
422 IF MY PARENTS DIDN'T WANT ME TO MARRY YOU
423 NO WAY THAT WOULD HAVE STOPPED ME.
424 LOOK, THIS IS YOUR WEDDING.
425 DO IT.
426 YOU'RE RIGHT.
427 OF COURSE, YOU'RE RIGHT.
428 SO WE'RE BACK ON?
429 WE'RE BACK ON.
430 YOU HEARD HER! PEEL! CHOP! DEVIL!
431 I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST TWO MINUTES.
432 IT JUST SEEMS SO FUTILE, YOU KNOW?
433 ALL THESE WOMEN AND...
434 NOTHING.
435 I FEEL LIKE SUPERMAN WITHOUT MY POWERS, YOU KNOW?
436 I HAVE THE CAPE AND YET I CANNOT FLY.
437 WELL, NOW YOU UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL EVERY SINGLE DAY.
438 OKAY? THE WORLD IS MY LESBIAN WEDDING.
439 ( playing classical music )
440 ( crackling )
441 ( as Mrs. Adelman ): BUTTERSCOTCH?
442 NO ONE?
443 ALL RIGHT, YOU'LL BE SORRY LATER.
444 THANK YOU.
445 ANYTIME.
446 ROSS.
447 YOU KNOW, NOTHING MAKES
448 GOD HAPPIER THAN WHEN TWO PEOPLE--
449 ANY TWO PEOPLE-- COME TOGETHER IN LOVE.
450 FRIENDS, FAMILY, WE'RE GATHERED HERE TODAY
451 TO JOIN CAROL AND SUSAN IN HOLY MATRIMONY.
452 OH, MY GOD!
453 NOW, I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.
454 WHOA! SHE'S GONE.
455 SHE'S GONE.
456 SHE'S GONE.
457 GO AHEAD. GET MARRIED. GO. GO.
458 Monica: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THEM?
459 YEAH. CAN'T HELP BUT.
460 HOW'S THAT PIG-IN-THE-BLANKET
461 WORKING OUT FOR YOU?
462 I WRAPPED THOSE BAD BOYS.
463 I MISS ROSE.
464 OH, YEAH?
465 I KNOW IT'S WEIRD
466 BUT SHE WAS A BIG PART
467 OF MY LIFE THERE
468 AND, YOU KNOW, I JUST FEEL KIND OF ALONE.
469 YOU KNOW, I, UH...
470 COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING WHAT YOU JUST SAID AND, UH...
471 I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO FORGET ABOUT ROSE
472 MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
473 HOW ABOUT WE GO GET YOU A DRINK?
474 OKAY. THAT'S SO NICE.
475 I SHOULDN'T EVEN BOTHER
476 COMING UP WITH A LINE, RIGHT?
477 HEY, MOM, YOU HAVING FUN?
478 OH, AM I.
479 I JUST DANCED WITH A WONDERFULLY-LARGE WOMAN
480 AND THREE OTHER GIRLS MADE EYES AT ME
481 OVER AT THE BUFFET.
482 OH, I'M NOT SAYING IT'S SOMETHING I WANT TO PURSUE
483 BUT IT'S NICE TO KNOW I HAVE OPTIONS.
484 UH-HUH. THAT'S GOOD.
485 ( clears throat )
486 THERE'S MORE ALCOHOL, RIGHT?
487 HOW YOU DOING?
488 OKAY.
489 YOU DID A GOOD THING TODAY.
490 YEAH....
491 YOU WANT TO DANCE?
492 NO. THAT'S FINE.
493 COME ON.
494 I'LL LET YOU LEAD.
495 OKAY.
496 ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
497 PENIS, SCHMEENIS, OKAY?
498 WE'RE ALL PEOPLE.
499 WHICH ONE OF US DO YOU THINK
500 IS GOING TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO GET MARRIED?
501 UH, MON, I WAS MARRIED.
502 YEAH, ME, TOO, TECHNICALLY.
503 I HAD A WEDDING.
504 JUST TRYING TO START AN INTERESTING DISCUSSION.
505 Joey: I GOT ONE.
506 WHICH ONE OF US WILL BE THE LAST TO GET MARRIED?
507 WHA..? ISN'T BEN IN THIS?
508 ( all agreeing )
509 OH, OH...
510

S02E12

1 Man: CAN'T GET THE MONKEY OFF YOUR BACK?
2 THEN PUT IT
3 IN YOUR MOUTH.
4 THAT COMMERCIAL ALWAYS MAKES ME SO SAD.
5 YEAH, BUT THEN, THE GUY OPENS HIS BEER
6 AND THOSE GIRLS RUN AT HIM
7 SO EVERYTHING SEEMS TO WORK OUT OKAY.
8 I MEANT BECAUSE THE MONKEY IN IT REMINDS ME OF MARCEL.
9 I CAN SEE THAT.
10 'CAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE THOSE BIG, BROWN EYES
11 AND, YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE, POUTY CHIN...
12 AND THE FACT THAT THEY'RE BOTH MONKEYS.
13 SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I DID THE RIGHT THING
14 GIVING HIM AWAY.
15 ROSS, YOU HAD TO.
16 HE WAS HUMPING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.
17 I MEAN, I HAVE A MALIBU BARBIE WHO WILL NO LONGER BE WEARING
18 WHITE TO HER WEDDING.
19 REMEMBER WHEN, SOMETIMES, HE'D BORROW YOUR HAT
20 AND WHEN YOU GOT IT BACK
21 THERE'D BE LITTLE MONKEY RAISINS IN IT?
22 YEAH, SURE, WHEN HE DID IT, IT WAS FUNNY.
23 WHEN I DID IT
24 TO MY BOSS'S HAT?
25 ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HAD
26 THIS BIG "ATTITUDE PROBLEM."
27 ♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
28 ♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
29 ♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
30 ♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
31 ♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY, YOUR WEEK ♪
32 ♪ YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
33 ♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
34 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO POUR ♪
35 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
36 ♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
37 ♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
38 ♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
39 HEY, HEY. CHECK IT OUT.
40 GUESS WHAT I GOT.
41 RHYTHM?
42 NO. MY FIRST FAN MAIL.
43 ALL RIGHT. HEY.
44 "DEAR DR. RAMORAY: KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU
45 AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU."
46 GOSH!
47 "YOUR NOT-SO-SECRET ADMIRER, ERIKA FORD."
48 OH, WAIT.
49 "P.S.: ENCLOSED PLEASE FIND 14 OF MY EYELASHES."
50 YOU KNOW
51 IN CRAZY WORLD, THAT MEANS YOU'RE MARRIED.
52 THIS WASN'T ADDRESSED
53 TO DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
54 THIS CAME TO YOUR APARTMENT.
55 THERE'S NO STAMP ON IT.
56 THIS WOMAN WAS IN OUR BUILDING.
57 OH, MY GOD.
58 I GOT MY VERY OWN STALKER.
59 HEY, GUYS.
60 HEY.
61 WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, TRAVELING JAKE?
62 WELL, THERE'S THIS PALEONTOLOGY CONFERENCE IN L.A.
63 SO, I FIGURED I'D GO, AND THEN DRIVE
64 DOWN TO THE ZOO AND SURPRISE MARCEL.
65 YOU KNOW, I THINK HE WILL BE SURPRISED, UNTIL HE REALIZES
66 HE'S A MONKEY
67 AND, UH, YOU KNOW, IS INCAPABLE OF THAT EMOTION.
68 Rachel: OH! PHOEBE
69 THAT REALLY CUTE GUY IS HERE AGAIN.
70 OH? OH, OKAY. SO, EVERYONE PRETEND
71 LIKE I'M TELLING YOU A STORY, OKAY?
72 AND IT'S REALLY FUNNY, SO EVERYONE JUST LAUGH.
73 NOW.
74 ( all laughing )
75 I KNOW. I KNOW.
76 HELLO.
77 HI.
78 I'M ROB DONNAN.
79 HI, ROB DONNAN.
80 I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MUSIC
81 BUT I THINK YOU'RE REALLY, REALLY GREAT.
82 OH... WOW.
83 ANYWAY, I SCHEDULE PERFORMERS
84 FOR THE CHILDREN'S LIBRARIES AROUND THE CITY
85 AND I WAS JUST THINKING
86 HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT PLAYING YOUR SONGS FOR KIDS?
87 OH, I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE KIDS.
88 ...HEAR... HEAR THE... HEAR ME PLAY THE SONGS
89 THAT I WILL WRITE FOR THEM.